24 year old son just diagnosed and overwhelmed

[PDH64]

Hello BPD Family!

Like all others who have posted here before me the ominous question looms "where do I start?". This is to be an introduction so here is the brief synopsis of our families situation. I have been married fr 25 years and have 2 children a son, 24, and a daughter, 22, and the past 8 years have been very traumatic. Our son started alcohol and then prescription drugs at 16. This continued for years with multiple visits to the ER, many calls to the police, crisis centers, harmful fits of rage ending in property damage or physical damage to his own body. He was in a very dysfunctional relationship for 5 years that involved verbal abuse, manipulation and emotional control.

Just over a year ago we gave him an ultimadium that he was leaving our house, be it treatment or the streets. He was deep into using cocain, ecstasy, many other drugs and hard core alcohol abuser.  Through a friend he ended up at a faithbased program and after only a little over a month he had a God moment that truly changed his life. He tells everyone that he was raised in a great home with a great family and love but but there was just something different that he couldn't control about himself.

He returned home and he rebuilt his life in an amazing way and soon he met a young lady, which he really wasn't looking for at all, but just over 2 months ago he proposed to her. Life was good, great for him but right after proposing the pressure seemed to build with the questions from famiy and friends about "when are you getting married?" and "how are you going to support her?". Long story shorter he had an episode while out of town with her and her parents about 7 weeks ago that ended with him jumping out of the moving vehicle, 3 visits to the ER in 1 day trying to get him help or admitted (once with a police escort after callingthem to our home becasue of the violent behavior) totaling his beautiful truck at almost 100MPH, leaving the scene of the accident, threatening his fiance and her parents and then ending up in jail for 4 days. In the midst of that hellish week through desperate cries for help a Dr. & a psych evaluator in jail finally diagnosed him with Bipolar 1, BPD & Anxiety Disorder.

He is now at a place that he is seeing a theropist, just started meds, attending a DBSA support group, and trying to recover from the devastation from the past 7 weeks. It has been a rough weekend because he we prescribed anit-anxiety meds on Thursday and he has been self medicating with DXM cough pills for the past several months and he stopped to take the new pills but he has been experiencing withdrawals these past few days. He lost it this afternoon which rippled throught the family once again in a multitude of manners. His mother, sister and myself are exhausted and drained from the roller coaster the past years and especially 7 weeks. We have been an extremly loyal and comitted family for him. We are his advocates and greatest supports for recovery. He has been brought up in a home of grace and unconditional love with limits. My wife has experienced addiction, voilence and mental illness her entire life with her sister who is in jail currently, her brother, mother and several other family members. She thought she her children would escape the pain tha she endured growing up but now she lives in the nightmares she so desperatley tried to wake up from.

After his outburst today it scared her so bad she left the house and we don't know where she went, when or if she'll be back. I sit here stunned and lost in my own emotions and thoughts. My son has court tomorrow to face the charges (1 felony & 3 misdameanors) from 6 weeks ago during his episode. The thought drains me of all energy. I need to work but will lose work attending the court appearance adding to my own stress/anxiety.

I've left out so much and I'm sure this is all so choppy & unclear but yet I imagine familar to many of you. It saddens me yet brings a bit of consolation.

Thanks to anyone who reads!

A desperate yet dedicated father   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Clearmind]

Hi PDH64,

Welcome and I am sorry to hear things have been so tough with dxBPDS24 (diagnosed BPD Son 24 years). We have many parents here that have BPD children who will completely understand the pain you are going through. Its confusing, frustrating and we often feel helpless when we have a BPD loved one.

Much of our journey here is about hope, learning new ways to communicate to our BPD children and also healing and supporting each other through the tough times.

We are here for one another and it really helps to know that there are others who understand. Say a little in your post or leave out information is of no consequence because members get it.

Writing it out really does help solidify the emotions and helps us make good decisions - we need to be open about our emotions because often we get so caught up in the ride we forget we exist.

 Take care of you too.

[Dibdob59]

Your pain, fear, loss, confusion and despair are clear. My heart goes out to you, your family and your son.

Many of the stories over on the 'Supporting Children' pages are about daughters, but not so many are about sons. The horror of having a son with BPD is that when a grown man has this disorder and becomes dysregulated and angry the results of their raging behaviours are extreme. I have always maintained that the sight of a man losing it appears so much more threatening to society than when a woman does.  The stigma is more severe which seems so desperately unfair as the painful emotions driving our sons and daughters are just the same but the consequences often differ.  I have seen a number if young women 'lose it' but this can present as hysteria. However when our sons behave the same way they are invariably arrested and criminalised, adding further to their shame and feelings of guilt.

I hope your wife returns soon.  She is fortunate to have your love and support.

As the mother of a UBPDS29 I am thinking of you.

[six]

HI PHD

just want to say that I hear your pain.  You have already suffered so much and it seems like it just does not end.

Somehow  along the way, you are going to find a path thru the mess and at the other end, there will be some clarity and some peace.  I hope that point comes soon for all of you.  In the meantime, this board is a place of support for parents who are suffering with situations similar to yours. 

Let us know how things work out at court and with your wife.  Hope to hear good news

6

[TopsyTurvy]

PDH64

Sorry you and your family are experiencing such a difficult time. I hope your wife has returned home by now. Maybe she needed a little time away to get a handle on her own emotions.

We all know how emotionally draining the drama and roller coaster that often surrounds a person with BPD can be for a family. You sound exhausted. I hope you can find some peace!

I am encouraged that your son has found help with his addiction. BPD  + addiction is never good.Do you think the withdrawal you say he is experiencing could be the reason for his outburst today?  It sounds as if he was doing really well for a while. He sounds dysregulated now but I hope he can find his way back on track.

Just know we understand your pain and we are all here to help you through the hard times.

[Kate4queen]

I have a 22 yr old son with BPD so I totally understand where you are coming from. That rage is terrifying isn't it? My DH struggled terribly with my son's behavior because his own father was similar violent and charming at a drop of a hat.

Just know that we understand and that we wish you well.

[MammaMia]

PDH64

Welcome!

You have hit the wall, my friend.  We have all been there with our BPD children at one time or another. This website is such a wonderful resource for people like us.  There is so much about BPD here that no one else talks about.  We live with it it every day and offer each other comfort, support, and honest advice.

It sounds like your son has done well until he was triggered 7 weeks ago.  All it takes is one over-the-top emotional issue for them to decompensate.  PwBPD live in a fragile reality.  I am very sorry this has happened to him and to you.

My dBPDs 39 also has multiple diagnoses.  Substance abuse and BPD are a toxic and terrifying combination.  I pray your son is able to overcome his alcohol and drug issues, and it sounds like he has tried.  Don't give up on him.  He cannot control his disorder... .it controls him. 

I hope you have the opportunity to review the articles, books, and workshops that are available here.  However, the most valuable resource to me is the Message Board.  It is so helpful to learn what other families are going through, and how similar our experiences are.

It is very important for the parents of children wBPD to seek knowledge, although I will NOT tell you that any of us will ever completely understand it.  That is why it is critical for us to get the support we need to find balance and to keep fighting.  Bpd is physically and emotionally exhausting, and we all feel like giving up some days, but that is not really an option.  We do need to find ways to be kind to each other and make time to take care of ourselves. 

Bpd is a devastating brain disorder caused by multiple factors ... .do not blame yourself.

You are among friends here.  The members of BPDF genuinely want to help.  Stay strong and God Bless. 

[PDH64]

Thank you so much everyone for the encouraging and supportive words. You all shared some really beneficial advice and words of wisdom. THANK YOU! It means a lot. First update is that I found my wife last night thanks to Findiphone app. She was broken, scared and exhausted. She is sitting next to me on the couch now and she had a good day today. This mornign I went to court with my son and his fiance. My daughter stayed home with her mom. We sat through 3 dockets lasting over over 3 hours and then the bailiff asked for all those who hadn't been called to come to the front. A short time later the bailiff called for for my son to come to the front and he proceeded to tell my son that his case was NP. My son asked what NP meant and the he said that it meant No Process. Son said what does that mean. Bailiff: The state dropped all the charges. ALL THE CHARGES? I'm still in shock! A miracle! My brother is a detective and he said that doesn't happen and we don't care why or how but it did and a huge weight is lifted off him and our family. We go to our first family therapy session with his therapist tomorrow which is good timing and we're all looking forward to it. Day by day and step by step.  

[MammaMia]

PHD

The Lord works in mysterious ways!   This is an opportunity to move forward on the road to recovery for your entire family.  Wishing you strength and hope.

Good luck tomorrow.

[Dibdob59]

PDH64

I have responded to your PM.  I am so thankful that your situation shows some respite for now.

Dibdob

[six]

wow

what a turnaround

hope to hear more progress reports!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders