I have been married for 16 years and only recently have understood that being difficult was far less than what describes my uBPDH. When I started digging deeper and found out about borderline, it as if I was reading my H´s life on the board. It is definitely him - all over the place - and to the nth degree.
I also read about what I was going through and never had imagined that I was being abused - I mean, he never really hit me... . But as the list kept on I kept checking the boxes... .yes, yes, this too, and this... .I went through it all - the emotional, psychological, physical, sexual and financial abuse. So it was all a very large emotional ride.
But, in time, I finally came to a rock and a hard palce, and decided I needed out. For my sake, for the kids sake, for a better life even if I have to live under the bridge. (He never let me study or further my education and I married him at a young age.) But then when I got the gut to tell him, he changed. I can see him change... .He got down and cried, and begged and said he´d go to therapy and so on and so forth. He acknowledged the abuse and said he doesn´t want that either for us. He said he wants a new life.
Back to me: I can´t believe how far down I´ve come myself, form being independent, intelligent, fluently speaking 3 languages and living overseas to what I´ve become: (over a 16 year period) having no friends, no social contact and no work.No prospects of getting better. I am a stay at home mom and all the income comes from him. When the phone rings he says "who is that?" "what do they want?" as if i have an affair with every caller. Facebook - worse. He won´t even let me open the mail if his name is on it.
I want to go to school, get another diploma, do something meaningful in life. Yes raising kids is meaningful, but I have so much more to offer! I´ve always wanted that - so since he was in a "begging" mood, I decided to say that if I as to stay, I want to have a career. At least one day - but I want to study now. He agreed.
I´m thrilled and happy
but then inside I keep think - what in the world am I doing? I´m just pushing his buttons and soon or later this whole university diploma is going to explode in my face? What is going to happen when I actually have friends calling me and want to go out? What am I going to do when I have to be gone for long periods of time? Is he just lying to keep me here?
I also know that if i am going to leave, I can´t support the kids by myself - so i need a job - whatever it is. So I guess this is a first step into gaining my independence and my life back, but I am so scared. I keep thinking - he´s lying and just trying to manipulate me into staying, then when things are good, he´ll explode and it will be worse than before, because I´ll have so much explaining to do. I´ll go through hell all again. These few days of peace have been so good... .Am I just being paranoid?
