What is wrong with me, i'm the one having unstable feelings at the moment...

[Violista]

What on earth is wrong with me and how do I make this rollercoaster stop... .I feel like I'm the one going crazy and like I'm the ill one... .I feel everything at once, a strange mix of wanting him and wanting to get away from him.

I've had the most messy on-off relationship.

When I'm with him all I can think about is how to find an excuse to break up. WHen we break up, all I can think about is how to get him back.

I love him and when he's not with me I miss him so much and get so depressed, and can't help making efforts to get back together.

When we get back together, I feel a sense of entrapment, and dread and almost impending doom knowing that it's only a matter of time before he blows up at me again over some small thing. I'm always walking on eggshells trying not to upset him, yet still get accused of upsetting him anyway. I also have a massive sense of guilt when I'm with him because he seems serious about me and I'm often thinking about leaving him.

Yet he goes through periods where he's normal and doesn't have any mood swings and acts like a fun happy guy, and during those periods we laugh a lot and get really affectionate and get along like a house on fire.

He's been telling me for the last few days how much he loves me and that I have made his life better and "pulled him out of a dark place", and when he says that I feel a bittersweet mix of happiness and guilt over wanting to leave.

He gives me the most love-filled, tender looks, and is so sweet, sometimes he looks at me like I just dropped out of heaven, and I can see he really feels something genuine for me... .but say something he doesn't like and upset him and he turns into a name-calling, rude, angry, yelling jerk. He never takes responsibility for his anger, he believes he doesn't have an anger problem and that everyone else is to blame. His anger outbursts are horrible, but I am coming to know him well enough to see that they come from a place of hurt and not a place of malice, that he needs nurturing, not punishment. And so I feel so guilty about hurting him in any way.

When he comes back to me, I feel a mix of happiness, and fear of how he will hurt me next.

I hate it, I hate the confusion, yet I think something inside me is drawn to the drama and seeks it out and always tries to come back to it.

It is so sweet when he says that I have helped him get out of a dark place, but it also makes me feel horribly responsible for looking after him. I'm so afraid that if I leave, he will have nobody who will really care for him. Yet I'm afraid that if I stay, I'll only hurt him more because I always seem to say things that upset him, and because if he keeps treating me the way he does I know I will leave eventually anyway and then he'll be even more hurt because I stayed longer.

I met a wonderful, sweet guy who is so nice to me during our last breakup. I don't want to cut this guy out of my life, I want to see if there is potential there... he treats me so well... .But, once again, I can't bear hurting the on-off BPD boyfriend.

I feel so guilty if I stay, and I feel so guilty if I leave. I can't bear to abandon someone I love, yet I feel like his turbulent ocean of emotions will consume me and destroy me if I don't.

I don't know how to have an honest conversation about this with him without hurting him.

I have people urging me to get him forcibly institutionalized with police intervention because  he is in major denial about his condition and they feel it is the only way to help him. Once again, I feel guilty if I go ahead with it, I feel guilty if I don't. If I do it I'm betraying his trust and may end up doing more harm than good. If I don't do it, I may be failing to help.

I would like to help to look after him as just a friend, while still having my own life, but he won't have that, he wants all or nothing. Plus I'm still madly attracted to him.

Why do I feel so responsible for helping this person and for his life? I'm suffering so much guilt.

I just don't this to be my burden and my responsibility anymore... .

[LilMe]

I can't give any advice, but I am in the same position with my uBPDh of 7 years.  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  It is soo hard.  God help us all!

[myself]

Violista, there is nothing wrong with you as far as who you are and what your feelings are. You sound very caring and like you're really trying to do the right thing. Follow your heart, look ahead to who you would like to be, and work your way towards that. Don't be with a new sweet guy just to be with someone, but go with that if it seems a better way for you to go. This is YOUR life. Have you already done as much as you can where you are? Yes, there is always more that could be tried, but without the other person being as much of an equal partner as possible it's going to go nowhere.

I am in a similar situation, taking the abuse, seeing kindness too and love but the bad stuff just gets to be too much too often so I am having to walk away. I'm still concerned about her and wish there was something I could do to help her, but she doesn't change things to better her own life and was dragging me right down the drain with her. I'm still working my way free. I understand your feelings of guilt, but if you've done everything you can, with good intentions, you can be proud of yourself and move on with life.

Reading what you wrote about the person you are now with, you say there is some good but more bad. That is very telling. Listen to yourself, and the facts.