Moving from a place of Panic to Detachment - is this ever going to be possible

[Dibdob59]

Am I the only one who feels a sense of panic whenever the phone rings, when a text message comes through, when a car door slams outside etc?

I feel as though I am always on heightened awareness and living in fear of what the next drama will be.  My stomach is churning, adrenaline is coursing through my body and I feel sick.  These feelings are all fed by my imagination and dread.

How can I refuse to accept or believe my thoughts? My mind is causing me so much distress.

Is it ever possible for parents of BPD children (adult or otherwise) to truly step back and detach.  To simply refuse to care any more as caring makes no difference except to cause us continued pain from attachment.

Am I making sense?  Can anyone relate to this or am I being selfish in wanting to withdraw?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bonus mom]

Hi dibdob59.

No, you are not alone. In my opinion you're most certainly not selfish. 

It's funny that you should actually make this post, because I was just thinking that it's ironic there is a "healing from relationships with BPD parents and siblings etc." board, but there's no "healing from relationships with your BPD children" board.

It's probably true that the turmoil you feel is fueled by your imagination of what might come, but you need to give yourself a break by accepting that you have reason to imagine how things might be.  If you're like the rest of us, this has been going on for quite some time, and you have been affected by the disorder just as badly as your child, though in a different way. 

It is possible to step back and detach, but it takes a lot of acceptance of ALL the circumstances of the disorder for that to happen.  When I read posts by other parents here on this board, and I read the grief and guilt and difficulties they're having, I often get a sense that they're still fighting to find a solution, and not accepting the situation for what it is.  Because we want to be "good" parents we think that if we stop trying to change things we are somehow "bad" parents, but the truth is there's nothing to "try"; the children are already making their own decisions whether we "try" or not.

Something else to consider, is that detaching does not equal abandonment.  That's another thing I have noticed on the board, that a lot of guilt comes along with the idea detaching because it seems to be felt that detaching means you're abandoning your child.  Detaching is not about the child, it is about you and your health. 

I really believe there's a difference between the sentence "Go away, I'm done with you, I've had enough, don't talk to me again" and the sentence "I am going to let you handle your own problems from now on, and while I love you, and I want the best for you, I will no longer be the one to solve your problems for you."  In the first sentence what I hear/feel is "you hurt me, I'm sick of you, I'm done."  The second sentence, to me, says "I am taking care of myself."  But that's all it says, it's not judgmental or meant to hurt.  Does that make sense?

Now, if you really feel in your heart of hearts that this must be the last straw, and you need to walk away from the relationship to protect yourself, then I say this to you: It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks!  You deserve a healthy and peaceful life. You deserve to be able to remove yourself without guilt from an abusive relationship.  Just because we're referring to a relationship with a child, doesn't mean that we must be abused without end.  And none of us walks in your shoes, so while we may (with well-meaning intentions) say "stick around" or "tough it out, there's more you can do" we don't know what you have already tried and we don't know what your limits are and we need to respect that.  You do not need our permission for you to take care of yourself.

I send you a giant hug of support, and I hope you know that, at the very least, this mom is  standing here and saying "you do what you need to do and don't feel badly about it!"

[six]

I really identify with this post. 

How can I refuse to accept or believe my thoughts? My mind is causing me so much distress.

I believe it is possible to change our thinking and to push away the worried and negative thoughts and substitute positive thinking.  if you google positive thinking you can find teaching about how to change the channel in our brains and not dwell in the worried anxious place.  I think any parent who has endured BPD would benefit from this

Is it ever possible for parents of BPD children (adult or otherwise) to truly step back and detach.  To simply refuse to care any more as caring makes no difference except to cause us continued pain from attachment.

I don't think we are supposed to stop caring. a parent does not stop caring about a child.  but I agree that we can detach and stop our problem solving.  we might still feel pain over their ordeal (pain is not necessarily bad because adult life is full of diff kinds of pain and growth often comes from experiencing pain), But we don't need to feel the anxiety which comes from believing that its our job to fix it

[ilusa26]

I identify with this post too.  My daughter is in california and I am in Illinois.  Two days ago, i wrote her a email saying we would be better off communicating thru email, cause every time we talk on the phone, if i dont hear well or not understand what she is saying, she would get mad and either hang up or use foul language.  She used to call a few times a day.  I would be nervous talking to her.

Still, after i wrote that email, she hasnt called.  I am so nervous about how she must be feeling.  She doesnt have friends she can talk to.  I know i needed to set boundaries yet I dont know how long I can stand not talking to her.  When phone used to ring i was nervous and now that it doesnt ring i am nervous.

[mary93]

Hi dibdob59. You are not the only one who feels this way, I'm sure most parents do (I for one certainly do) its like always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was speaking to my therapist today of how I feel that I need to disconnect, but feel guilty about it and cant seem to do it. She explained to me that the feelings etc will always be in there somewhere, but I have to learn to take care of myself and do things that make me happy, as I cannot live my daughters life for her and the therapist says its like I'm going down with her at the same time, and we know that is not good, because one day she will really need me and if I haven't taken care of myself I wont be able to help her at a time when perhaps she will need me the most. I know its easier said than done and when it comes to our children we are prepared to sacrifice our lives to save them, but we cant. I also at certain times feel angry about all this and then feel horribly guilty about it and the therapist told me, its ok to get angry we are allowed I would not get angry at my daughter if she were here, but "angry in my head" if you know what I'm trying to say. I am becoming physically drained can hardly stand up sometimes as the stress is so overwhelming and I need to work on this as it wont do anyone any good. We as parents I guess feel guilty if we try to be happy when our kids are suffering. Also the guilt of the disorder is driving me crazy, as I cant figure out what happened (there is the genetic factor from the paternal side many cases of mental illness on that side) but I seem to read alot that it also has something to do in perhaps some trauma or abandonment etc, which never happened, so the guilt is there (and since BPD's seem to love to dish out guilt even when its non-founded that doesn't help) Hang in there you will surely find some peace here and some tips etc on how to deal with all this. It has helped me alot.

[muffetbuffet]

We too live our lives waiting for the other shoe to drop.  My husband and I are at a point that we just cannot stand the drama anymore.  No matter what we do it creates a big issue in the house.  We have made a conscious decision to let our dd stay at home and we don't even bother to invite her to family functions anymore.  She would either choose to stay home or if she did go with us, she would make everyone there miserable  The guilt comes in when we are at a family function (and she should be there) but she is not.  I do miss her being there.  I really need to work hard at putting myself first and letting myself walk away and detach from the situation.  DD is 16 and thinks she knows all there is to know about life.  She just has to know that we will be there to pick her up when she needs (or wants) us to be there.  Walking on Eggshells!

[qcarolr]

Am I the only one who feels a sense of panic whenever the phone rings, when a text message comes through, when a car door slams outside etc?

Even with DD in jail I still suck in my breath when my text alert goes off. I have to actually say "STOP, this cannot be DD". I changed by phone ring tone a couple times when I wanted to take a break from her calls - only accept texts. Helped the startle reflex a little. Dh does the same thing.

I feel as though I am always on heightened awareness and living in fear of what the next drama will be.  My stomach is churning, adrenaline is coursing through my body and I feel sick.  These feelings are all fed by my imagination and dread.

How can I refuse to accept or believe my thoughts? My mind is causing me so much distress.

I think we all need to take some "getting out of the FOG" lessons. Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

Here is a link that has been helpful for me -- need to read the whole thing again.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog;all#lastPost

Is it ever possible for parents of BPD children (adult or otherwise) to truly step back and detach.  To simply refuse to care any more as caring makes no difference except to cause us continued pain from attachment.

Am I making sense?  Can anyone relate to this or am I being selfish in wanting to withdraw?

In Al Anon there is a core principle about detachment, and how it is not abandonment. I think it is much harder to manage with mental illness (esp, BPD) than with substance abuse. And it is eve harder for us a parents to manage. I believe the brain research that shows humans are programmed to be connected deeply with our children. A strong attachment is vital for both child and parent - a healthy, loving, reciprocal, healthy attachment. With BPD this is a core issue to the disorder. For whatever the reasons, and they vary with each individaul, this healthy attachment is damaged.

Check out some of the tools and lessons on the new side bar. There is hope. We have to take the first, painful, hard steps to change ourselves. Then we can come to accept that it is up to our kids to respond, or not, to the changes we have made in ourselves. We can only do the best we can do. I struggle so so so much with this letting go/connection dynamic.

I will always love my DD - I tell her I care deeply about her. When she is asking me for something, I am asking her to seek out others in the community to ask for what she needs. This is especially relevant while she is in jail. My fears pop up thinking about when she is released and cannot return to our home.

qcr

[Dibdob59]

It is good to know that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. It seems such a simple thing to want peace in our hearts when thinking of our children.

That old phrase 'a parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child' is so true.

Thank you for the points and comments you have all made.  I will read through them all carefully.  Concentration is so hard sometimes that I need to read things more than once.

I find my default setting when responding to stressful situations with my UBPDS29 is often anger first and that my compassion takes longer to kick in.  I lived so many years thinking he was just being wilful and difficult that my response mechanism is not geared to always recall that he is mentally unwell.  My DH still does not accept this to be true and says DS will grow out of it.  If only that were so ... .

[brillo]

I certainly related to this post.

My BPD daughter in law is now being evicted.  She had a good job last year that lasted about 9 months before she was fired.  While she had the good job, she rented a house with a $3.5 monthly rent.  Despite advice from numerous people, she refused to find a more affordable place to live.  And now she has a couple of days to get out.  She has some help from a friend and we are letting her figure it out.

She doesn't really talk to us anymore, only when she wants something.  She called yesterday telling my husband to come help her move.  He said No - it's a 3 hour drive and he is older and has a bad back.  It took months of physical therapy to get him to where he doesn't need a cane to walk.  However, I know that she views this as just meanness.

I wish it was easy to detach but the thing that makes it soo hard is that we have 2 granddaughters and it is hard to see them suffer.  We usually help her out in order to help them.

But lately, I am working on detaching from my granddaughters.  Because both my stepson and and his ex (my BPD daughter in law) know how much we love them and use them to manipulate us.  The only way to end it is to become detached from the grandkids.  It is very hard.  I feel guilty a lot of the time.

[jellibeans]

I have been thinking about this a great deal lately too but I don't think detaching is what I am going for. For some reason detach seems like such a harsh word to me. I think what I really comes back to is

control... .the only person I can control in myself. When I try to impose my will upon someone else they will rebel.

Being less judgemental... my daughter needs to make her own mistakes and I need to allow her the opportunity to learn from those mistakes.

The fixer... .I still struggle with this... .mom to the recuse... .again I really need to let her figure it out and feel the full ramifications of her choices.

I think what I also need to do is to be mindful... .I think when things are going good at my home I drop my guard... .I know that might not sound right... .sounds like I am in a battle but I hope you understand that I think it is easy to be lured into a false sense of security. Realizing that our children have some real struggles and accepting that is the first step to a better future for all involved.

Now here is the real test... .how to stay positive through it all. Hugs to all