Help with the lies to/and brainwashing of kids

[Jadedunicorn]

Anyone know how to effectively try and keep your children from seeing you as the ex paints you?  I am scared that I will never have the same bond as I did till he got them full time.

[momtara]

How old are they?  Maybe just remind them that there are always two sides to a story, and to keep an open mind?

My mom, who is bipolar (maybe BPD a bit too?  Don't know) spent a lot of time saying bad things about my relatives growing up, that they were all bad and selfish people.  It was at a certain age - and I'm not sure which - that something in my mind snapped together and I realized that some things she said might not be true.  I let her say it, but I resolved to only believe things that I knew firsthand.  People couldn't all be so bad.  What if SHE was the one who was wrong?  I don't remember how old I was, 6, 8, 10, who knows.  I wasn't a teenager yet, but I knew she might be lying.

Then my parents divorced when I was 13.  She complained about him all the time but I knew it was nonsense.  I often went along with her because I felt bad for her and just wanted to shut her up, also.  But I didn't dislike or disown my dad, despite her best efforts.

I don't know that this helps.  I bet there are people (and shrinks) who can offer better insight.

I have had the same fears that you do.  I have the majority of custody, but I wonder what hubby might tell my kids when they get older - he might say, yeah, your mom kept you from me, she's evil. 

[ForeverDad]

What do you mean by "full time"?  Do you mean majority time?  What is the schedule?

Typically, the minority time parent still gets to see the children quite a bit.  Alternate weekend schedules with an overnight in between are common.  So that's often 4 overnights out of 14, approximately 25-30% of the time.

[crystal]

Read Divorce Poison.

Bottomline is dont call Dad a liar, but counter obvious lies with simple true statements. 

Counter blanket "bad mouthing" with open questions. 

Do you have examples of what they are saying? 

[nona]

Hi Jade unicorn

my   goes out to you.

Please know, their soul knows and their soul remembers.

Much of what goes on is wired in the kids brains  and our brain, the chemistry.

It is not personal. It is not just a decision when my daughter ignores me.

She is reacting to her brain chemistry.

dd10 and myself lived in fight or flight for her entire life with UBPDDAD.

this affected our attachment.

I recently read "Brain Based Parenting". It helped me see the chemical dance of attachment that has been going on between dd10 and myself.

All the rejection.

I'm sure we hav stockholm syndrome woven in here too. It was the Jurrassic Park of relationships.

When dd10 was 6-8 years, she would have terrifying raging tantrums lasting 4 hours on fridays anticipating the weekend,... .when daddy would be home.

Then when the extinction burst happened and all was lost... .dd behaves and defends UBPDDAD like he's a saint.

Her soul remembers him sitting on her and squishing her at 3.

Her soul remembers who screamed, tried to protect and rescue her, repeatedly.

She has seen photos of bruises on her baby face, and asked how they happened... .her soul remembers, but the child brain cannot fathom the reality any more than mine can.

So she defends him. she turned on me ,against me for a long time from his parental alienation.

After reading brain based parenting, It has given me a new perspective and understanding.

UBPDX and I share 50/50, not by choice, believe me.

DD came home yesterday from her week at BPDDAD's, and told me "it makes me uncomfortable to have contact with the other parent when I am with one of you."

its like she "has to choose, she cannot help it. The little mammal brain is just trying to survive.

Our feelings are valid and important.

Our chemistry gets messed, cause our kids cannot participate in the normal reward system. Our attachment has been detoured to the coping place rather than a connecting bonding place.

The solution  learned is to heal my own brain, so I am here and present to support her less mature brain.

so that there is a whole adult here for her when she is in my presence.

I have a BPD mom. I have always known she is crazy.

I was angry that my dad did not protect us, but now I know what HE must have been going through!

HE was bewildered, hurt, shocked, terrified and shut down. a non.

ditto divorce poison, but brain based parenting took me to the next step of understanding.