This should be a good thing, but is it?

[Verbena]

My dd28 texted me this week that she wants to speak to her travel agent and book a trip sometime in the next few months just for the two of us.  Part of me thinks it's good that she is wanting to spend time with me and that we could just go and have a good time, but part of me is thinking it could be a disaster. 

Here's why:  After months of a lot of drama over me talking to her best friend about her BPD behavior, we have now seemingly moved on and are on good terms.  We text a fair amount, talk on the phone occasionally, and have seen each other four times since the first week of August.  The last time I saw her was when I happened to run into her at the grocery store, but it's been four times total.  It is a very superficial relationship with me letting everything be all about her, but it has been peaceful except for a couple of phone calls where she tried yet again to get me to say that I have lots of problems and that her friend is a liar and that there is nothing wrong with her behavior. 

My concern is that we will fly off somewhere together and she will attempt again to re-write history and bully me into telling her what she needs to hear from me so that she can tell her husband and everyone else she knows that I finally admitted she is perfectly fine and that her friend and I are the ones with problems.  I know that is her goal, and I am convinced she is not finished trying to get that goal accomplished. 

I am committed to not discuss this whole mess with her anymore and just try to do whatever it takes to keep the peace.  I limit my contact with her and carefully consider everything I say to her.  I don't want to shell out a lot of money for this trip and have it end up with her melting down because I won't do what she wants.  We took a short trip together about four years ago, and were having a great time-- until she fabricated drama on the second day and ruined everything.  Luckily, it was only a three-hour drive home, but three hours of her raging with me driving and unable to get away from her was miserable.

There's a chance she won't follow through with these plans, so maybe I'm worrying for nothing.  I can't just say I don't want to spend time with her.  The truth is, though, that I don't--not just the two of us anyway.   I just see red flags all around this idea. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Dibdob59]

I can identify with your concerns.  It is difficult to know when an apparently calm situation with our BPDs will erupt into raging, blaming, distortion, demanding etc.

I know you have been dealing with this situation for months and it has taken a long time to get to this place of apparent calm.  Your gut feeling that this suggested holiday may be a forum for your 'confession' is possibly a good one. Even if this is not a deliberate act on the part of your DD; once she is with you on your own there will be a considerable amount of time to fill with conversation.  Is it inevitable that this old topic will again be raised?

I think the questions are-

Do you even want to go on holiday with her?

If so, what boundaries can you put in place to protect yourself from this topic?

Is there any way you could agree before you go that this item is not on the agenda?

I am guessing that the last question above could be a trigger for her.

If you feel the holiday is a pretext for other matters than you probably know the answer you want to give.  It is so hard, as parents we would live to spend 'normal' quality time with our children.

Dibdob

[Verbena]

Dibdob59,

You explained my concerns better than I did!  I do agree that the last question you posed could be a trigger for her.  However, I won't put down any money for this trip until I make it clear that I've said all I can or will say about the isssue and that I don't want it brought up.  If she melts down over that request, then it should be obvious to her that we don't need to go away together.  Of course, I know she may not see it that way. 

My dd is not good about following through with ideas so the trip may not happen anyway.  I'm not going to bring it up unless she does.