Not strong enough to be the healthy one

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I usually post on the "Staying" board but I'm hopping over here (at least for today) because I don't know if I can take much more.  It's been awhile since I've been able to see any positives in my relationship with my uBPDh.  I have been angry and resentful for a long time.  I used to be the one who defused the situation, but I've been consistently escalating it.  I feel like I've been making progress lately cleaning my side of the street, but it's just making me more unsettled about the status of my marriage.  I probably won't leave because I don't want to get into a custody battle with my H and I will have to pay him child support and maybe even spousal support if we divorce.  For a long time, I was staying because I was (and remain) concerned about the effect of a divorce on S5 and D2.  But now, with my seemed inability to calm down, I'm subjecting them to arguments with my H and frankly, my behavior is abhorrent.   :'(

Both kids are sick right now and H is resentful because he is staying home with the kids while I work (ordinarily if a child were sick I would take the day off, but I can't do it right now due to work obligations).  Last night D2 started projectile vomiting while I was holding her and H was taking his time getting me a towel.  I yelled "get me a towel!" and he threw the towel at me and D2 while she was throwing up (it landed on top of our heads).  Then he started yelling at me that he wasn't going to take any more of my b.s.  D2 was visibly shaken by the whole thing.  She asked for Daddy.  He was getting supplies to clean the floor.  Once she stopped throwing up, I laid her down on the couch and told him to hold her because she wanted to see him.  He got more angry because I was ordering him around, he was cussing at me, even calling me the worst name possible (2 times).  He threw something down on the floor in anger.  I threw a cup at him.  It must have hit him, because he was holding his arm in pain.      I told him I wanted a divorce.  Then I came to my senses and went back to caring for D2.

I know I need to be mindful of my own responses and not let him get to me.  I feel like I'm living with my enemy and I don't know if I can accept him as he is.  I just don't know if I'm up to it.  I know I need to for my children, but I'm just so tired and discouraged.   :'(  It's getting to the point that a custody battle and support payments are looking like the lesser of the evils.  I don't want to be subjecting my children to my disgusting behavior and all of this conflict, and right now I feel unable to stop it, so maybe I should leave.

Thanks for reading.  I know no one can tell me whether to stay or go; that's my decision to make.   Maybe I just need a pep talk?

  Daylily

[daylily]

I usually post on the "Staying" board but I'm hopping over here (at least for today) because I don't know if I can take much more.  It's been awhile since I've been able to see any positives in my relationship with my uBPDh.  I have been angry and resentful for a long time.  I used to be the one who defused the situation, but I've been consistently escalating it.  I feel like I've been making progress lately cleaning my side of the street, but it's just making me more unsettled about the status of my marriage.  I probably won't leave because I don't want to get into a custody battle with my H and I will have to pay him child support and maybe even spousal support if we divorce.  For a long time, I was staying because I was (and remain) concerned about the effect of a divorce on S5 and D2.  But now, with my seemed inability to calm down, I'm subjecting them to arguments with my H and frankly, my behavior is abhorrent.   :'(

Both kids are sick right now and H is resentful because he is staying home with the kids while I work (ordinarily if a child were sick I would take the day off, but I can't do it right now due to work obligations).  Last night D2 started projectile vomiting while I was holding her and H was taking his time getting me a towel.  I yelled "get me a towel!" and he threw the towel at me and D2 while she was throwing up (it landed on top of our heads).  Then he started yelling at me that he wasn't going to take any more of my b.s.  D2 was visibly shaken by the whole thing.  She asked for Daddy.  He was getting supplies to clean the floor.  Once she stopped throwing up, I laid her down on the couch and told him to hold her because she wanted to see him.  He got more angry because I was ordering him around, he was cussing at me, even calling me the worst name possible (2 times).  He threw something down on the floor in anger.  I threw a cup at him.  It must have hit him, because he was holding his arm in pain.      I told him I wanted a divorce.  Then I came to my senses and went back to caring for D2.

I know I need to be mindful of my own responses and not let him get to me.  I feel like I'm living with my enemy and I don't know if I can accept him as he is.  I just don't know if I'm up to it.  I know I need to for my children, but I'm just so tired and discouraged.   :'(  It's getting to the point that a custody battle and support payments are looking like the lesser of the evils.  I don't want to be subjecting my children to my disgusting behavior and all of this conflict, and right now I feel unable to stop it, so maybe I should leave.

Thanks for reading.  I know no one can tell me whether to stay or go; that's my decision to make.   Maybe I just need a pep talk?

  Daylily

[Sluggo]

Daylily,

This isnt a pep talk but ... .know your aren't walking alone and thanks for reminding me that I am not walking alone either. 

Deep breath. 

[CS4Ever]

For what its worth, it took me a long time to realize that the first step to dealing with my partner was to take care of myself. Finding ways to step back and recharge your own batteries, whether its time with friends, the kids, or just by yourself is not just important but frankly necessary.

You're not going to be perfect in all your response's during this and there will be times that the stress will get to you. Finding a way to step back and take a break on a regular basis is really the only way to manage the stress of dealing with a BPD spouse over the long term.

Perhaps you have these outlets already and its just a particularly bad time. Perhaps you don't in which case you should think about developing them. Either way, take care of yourself first! You cant take care of your kids or deal with the stress caused by your spouse otherwise- so don't apologize for or otherwise shortchange the need to take care of yourself!

[Grey Kitty]

I'm normally with you on staying... .but I wandered over here, and I have some thoughts for you.

Firstly, I remember dark days where I realized that I was heading down a path to becoming somebody I didn't want to see in the bathroom mirror.

I decided that I wouldn't preserve a marriage at the cost of destroying myself. I didn't hit that line... .How close are you to it?

Secondly, it sounds like you are in a really low place yourself, and you know that the best you can do lately isn't what you want it to be, or what it was earlier. Sometimes you just don't have the strength you wish you had. Other times you have more than you expected. You don't have much control over that.

Thirdly, are you taking care of yourself at all these days? As they say on the airplanes: Put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others. I hear your concern for D2, SS5, and BPDH.

What does Daylily need?

  GK

[daylily]

Thanks, AL48BVM and CS4Ever, for your support! CS - I'm starting to do things for myself (finally) but I'm feeling like it's too little, too late right now because I'm just so full of anger already.

I decided that I wouldn't preserve a marriage at the cost of destroying myself. I didn't hit that line... .How close are you to it?

You've hit the issue.  I never seriously thought of leaving before because I wasn't paying attention to what this marriage is doing to me.  My focus was always on everything and everyone else, thinking I was "strong" and "healthy" enough to handle anything, so there was no reason to worry about me.  Now, I'm realizing that I'm not strong and I'm not healthy.  I'm someone who ignores my discomfort; I find every possible way not to pay attention to it - rationalization, focusing on other things/people and giving myself "short term memory loss" with regard to my own emotions.  Apparently, I've been stuffing it all for so long that now I'm just full of anger and hatred.  It's as if I'm just now really seeing everything my H has done to me (and still does to me) for the first time.  The anger is coming out against H, but a lot of it is directed at myself too.  To answer your question, I'm close to the line. 

What does Daylily need?

I need peace.  I need the emotional torture to stop long enough for me to gather myself and calm down.  In your words, long enough to get my own oxygen mask on.  I want to get myself truly strong and healthy before making a decision whether or not to leave my marriage, but I'm afraid that if things keep progressing at this rate, too much damage will be done to all of us before I get there.  I think I need to get into therapy.  I'm having trouble locating a therapist in my area that specializes in nons.  There are DBT centers for BPDs, but I don't see anyone who helps nons in particular.

  Daylily

[Grey Kitty]

I need peace.  I need the emotional torture to stop long enough for me to gather myself and calm down. 

Can you carve out a little space and time just for you where your H can't interrupt? I remember somebody here talking about making a room up in the attic just for herself to hang out in.

Or just go out somewhere peaceful and restful and turn your phone off for a little while.

I think we have a workshop on how to take care of yourself around here someplace.

I personally have found mindfulness meditation to be very helpful, although it isn't "easy", especially when you are full of unpleasant emotions like right now.

I'm having trouble locating a therapist in my area that specializes in nons.  There are DBT centers for BPDs, but I don't see anyone who helps nons in particular.

I don't know how critical that is. If you find a T who knows NOTHING about BPD, they may not quite get what is going on with your H. One that doesn't understand BPD would probably fail with him, or couples counseling badly. But that isn't what you are shopping for, especially since you have developed quite an understanding of how to cope with your BPDh here.

Your stuffing emotions may be codependent, but I suspect it is 'normal' enough that a normal but skilled T would be able to help you quite a bit. Just go looking for a good T. Do you have any friends/family who can recommend a local T for you?

It may be a bit of a shopping process--I see nothing wrong with going to a T for one or two sessions, and if you don't feel like you are getting enough out of it, try another one--Some are better than others, and some will better work with you.

[waverider]

Do have anyone, family, who you can leave the kids with for a bit longer so that you can get more respite. It is the lack of respite for yourself that is not allowing sufficient time to recharge from frustrations. So these frustrations accumulate until you are in a permanent state of resentment.

Resentment lead to easily being triggered, which in turn leads to self hate.

You need to break the cycle.

[Rees]

I usually post on the "Staying" board but I'm hopping over here (at least for today) because I don't know if I can take much more.  It's been awhile since I've been able to see any positives in my relationship with my uBPDh.  I have been angry and resentful for a long time.  I used to be the one who defused the situation, but I've been consistently escalating it.  I feel like I've been making progress lately cleaning my side of the street, but it's just making me more unsettled about the status of my marriage.  I probably won't leave because I don't want to get into a custody battle with my H and I will have to pay him child support and maybe even spousal support if we divorce.  For a long time, I was staying because I was (and remain) concerned about the effect of a divorce on S5 and D2.  But now, with my seemed inability to calm down, I'm subjecting them to arguments with my H and frankly, my behavior is abhorrent.   :'(

Both kids are sick right now and H is resentful because he is staying home with the kids while I work (ordinarily if a child were sick I would take the day off, but I can't do it right now due to work obligations).  Last night D2 started projectile vomiting while I was holding her and H was taking his time getting me a towel.  I yelled "get me a towel!" and he threw the towel at me and D2 while she was throwing up (it landed on top of our heads).  Then he started yelling at me that he wasn't going to take any more of my b.s.  D2 was visibly shaken by the whole thing.  She asked for Daddy.  He was getting supplies to clean the floor.  Once she stopped throwing up, I laid her down on the couch and told him to hold her because she wanted to see him.  He got more angry because I was ordering him around, he was cussing at me, even calling me the worst name possible (2 times).  He threw something down on the floor in anger.  I threw a cup at him.  It must have hit him, because he was holding his arm in pain.      I told him I wanted a divorce.  Then I came to my senses and went back to caring for D2.

I know I need to be mindful of my own responses and not let him get to me.  I feel like I'm living with my enemy and I don't know if I can accept him as he is.  I just don't know if I'm up to it.  I know I need to for my children, but I'm just so tired and discouraged.   :'(  It's getting to the point that a custody battle and support payments are looking like the lesser of the evils.  I don't want to be subjecting my children to my disgusting behavior and all of this conflict, and right now I feel unable to stop it, so maybe I should leave.

Thanks for reading.  I know no one can tell me whether to stay or go; that's my decision to make.   Maybe I just need a pep talk?

  Daylily

[Rees]

Sorry about that. I wanted to quote something specific that you wrote and I ended up quoting your whole post. What I wanted to say is that I can relate to your situation. My uBPDw is happy and positive at the moment, but these moments, which are currently at bay, are usually short lived and the BPD behaviours (blame, intense emotions,hysterical crying, threats to leave with the children and divorce) rear their ugly head once again. It's likely we'll have another episode when my parents come to visit from overseas in a couple weeks or on our wedding anniversary next month or when I take a week off work in a few weeks time to be able to enjoy some quality family time. I don't know when but I know it's coming and I am feeling really angry, resentful and bitter... .I don't like the person I am when I'm with her lately... .it's not who I am! I just wish our love was easier because it's soo hard to love her when her love for me feels so conditional, so much about meeting her unrealistic expectations and Feeling blamed for failing to meet her needs. It sucks! I think leaving would be an easy option without young children (both under the age of 5), but it is what it is and I often blame myself for creating this situation. The older of my two children (age5) is quite clever though and is wise beyond her years and I am very much aware of the possibility of her hearing, seeing and experiencing the nasty cycles for herself. I'm trying my best to protect them from this by educating myself which is why I joined this website and why I am seeing a therapist. I want things to work out for everybody, but most importantly our children, but at the same time I feel that if and when children begin to show signs of distress then perhaps some more serious thought should be given to separating. This leads me to feeling such guilt and shame though because as a father I know the children will continue to live with their mother and I worry firstly that I will be leaving my children in that situation and secondly that they will resent me for leaving them in that situation. Of course I won't actually be leaving their lives forever, but it may feel that way for them. This is the thought process I go through all the time and because of how I rationalize the outcome, which in turn becomes my reality I perpetually convince myself to stay in the relationship. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Stay strong, educate yourself & protect your children from emotional harm. I wish you the best of luck.

[daylily]

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Stay strong, educate yourself & protect your children from emotional harm. I wish you the best of luck.

Rees, thank you for sharing your story, which is similar to mine in many ways.  I hope that you too can be strong and do what's best for your children.  That's our challenge, and it's a tough one.   

Do have anyone, family, who you can leave the kids with for a bit longer so that you can get more respite.

Unfortunately, I am severely lacking in respite.  H and my parents share the task of caring for the kids while I'm at work, and my parents are getting too old to take the kids any more than they already do.  D2 is now in preschool three days per week, so H has extra time to himself.  As a result, after a lot of heated discussion, it was decided that I would get Sundays "off."  Unfortunately, the kids want to spend time with me on Sundays (and I miss them after being at work all week).  Plus, by Sunday the house is a mess, so I end up spending Sunday cleaning the house and spending time with the kids.  I suppose I should leave the house for a little while.  I think I've been deprived for so long that I don't know what I'd do with myself outside the house!

Resentment lead to easily being triggered, which in turn leads to self hate.

You need to break the cycle.

This is exactly what is happening right now.  I've been sick with the flu this week, so I've been home from work.  D2 also is sick and has been home from school.  Instead of taking care of D2 so I can rest and get better, H (who is well) has been relaxing (watching TV, playing on his iPad).  When I ask for his help with D2, he rolls his eyes at me.  I've also had to take S5 to school, even though I have the flu, because H refused to do it.  A little over a week ago, H was hung over and he stayed in bed sleeping all day long while I took care of the kids.  But to ask him to lift a finger while I'm sick (and not of my own making) is met with disdain.  I'm finding it hard not to be resentful under these circumstances.  I am not sure how to break the cycle. 

[123Phoebe]

A little over a week ago, H was hung over and he stayed in bed sleeping all day long while I took care of the kids.  But to ask him to lift a finger while I'm sick (and not of my own making) is met with disdain.  I'm finding it hard not to be resentful under these circumstances.  I am not sure how to break the cycle.  

Hi daylily,

Hope you don't mind my asking... . I'm just wondering how you go about asking your H to help you?

The reason I ask is because I've found that pwBPD can be extremely sensitive to nuance.  Heck, I can be sensitive to nuance under the right (wrong) circumstances.

If there's even a hint of resentment in my tone, it might be met with disdain.  Or if I'm wishy washy in my delivery, asking, but pretty much expecting a negative response.

I try really hard to speak from my heart now, even if what I'm asking for should be obvious or whatever.  And I say thank you, because I am sincerely grateful for the help he provides.

These little things are actually super big and small acts of kindness (from our hearts!) go a long long way.

Like if I were to say to a nondisordered guy, "Would you mind taking care of the kids for a few?  I'm sick, in case you hadn't noticed''  He might say, ''Oh sorry honey, sure, get some rest; don't know what I was thinking''   As if... .

A sensitive person will probably hear the negativity behind the request and jump all over it.  Even if it's just a facial expression, or said in jest.  And then it's game on!  Conflict time

There is oftentimes a double standard and it can be very frustrating.  The fact remains that we are choosing to stay in a relationship with an emotionally disordered person.  No sense in us becoming emotionally disordered ourselves because of it.

These relationships can help us to become even healthier than ever

[daylily]

Hi Phoebe,

Yes, the delivery and the non-verbals are big triggers for H, and I'm sure my resentment is coming through, especially when I'm stressed, tired, sick, etc.  Maybe I can practice my delivery when I'm feeling more calm and relaxed, and pretty soon, the skills will be there when I'm not at my best.  Which brings up something I've been thinking about that was addressed in another thread (one started by Skip regarding empathy).  I can change my behavior and my manner of communication so that I'm less triggering and more empathetic to H.  This will lessen conflict between us and that's a good thing.  But won't that make me more resentful because not only am I not getting my needs met, but now I have to also jump through hoops just to communicate simple things to him?  I understand that this is what we need to do if we choose to remain in a relationship with a pwBPD, but if that's ALL we do, I don't know that it can sustain itself for long without imploding.  I think Wave brought up in Skip's empathy chain that we need to work on ourselves and on accepting and respecting our partners, or else the delivery of an empathetic statement comes across to the pwBPD as being insincere. 

I guess I'm wondering about the order of things.  I can try to start changing the technical things - my delivery, my behavior toward H, etc., but it's going to be very hard because of all of the resentment and anger I have built up inside and it may not come across as honest anyway.  I'm not a particularly good actress.  Should I work on myself first, and on accepting H, before I even start changing my behavior? 

  Daylily

[Grey Kitty]

I think working through the resentment and anger has far better odds of working than trying to present to your H without any of it showing through.

You point out that your H does nothing (and leaves you to pick up the slack) and compare that to him blowing up or blowing you off when you ask him to do something when you need a break. Time to change this pattern, and you can only change your actions, not his.

You say you negotiated Sundays off... .but that slid away from you. Take some time this Sunday and go away to give yourself a break, with your phone off.

[123Phoebe]

Should I work on myself first, and on accepting H, before I even start changing my behavior?  

As you work on taking care of yourself and get better at doing it, your behavior will naturally change. That's the beauty of it.  We don't 'need them' to do anything differently than what they're doing.  Accept things as they are, accept him as he is... . Accept yourself as imperfect also and be okay with that, with a willingness to improve what you can change, or what you're willing to

Resentment builds when we have unfulfilled needs.  We need to know what they are to begin with and be willing to meet them ourselves.

When we can do this, things change for the better.    

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Great advice and insight from the contributors here, thanks.

Daylily,

I empathize how you feel, me and W don't have kids, but that does not lessen the quarrels and fighting.

I have spent hours sitting alone, pondering on what I should or can do to make things better, but forgot about helping myself. It's been uphill for sure. It's hard not to be resentful, especially when we are blamed for practically everything. Just to share something I just read, never J.A.D.E - judge, argue, defend, or explain because that is exactly what they are expecting and it will escalate. Very true for me, I had tried simply to "take the flak", but not accepting or agreeing to what what said, and it turned out better. It just past and was forgotten, well after a few hours, but at least there wasn't any shouting or things being thrown, and then tried to move on. Yes it takes a toll on a person, hence the need to "recharge", but I tell myself every time that the other person isn't well and they can't control their thoughts and feelings.

I'm still learning, and hope some can share how they rejuvenate or "normalize" themselves to be able to still function normally and well. Thanks.