How to Deal with Threats of Suicide :(

[lilybear14]

Hi, I posted here a month or so ago, as my ex contacted me after 9 months of NC asking to be friends... .We split up last year and within a few weeks he was back with the ex that he loved the whole time we were together which I really struggled with... .He broke up with her a few months ago after a serious suicide attempt and asked for my friendship and support... .

Long story short, we decided to see if we could try again, as the contact left us both in that loved up bliss that was what got us together in the first place, I was totally under the spell... .It was going really well, amazing sex, communication for the most part was really different, he has been seeing a therapist and working on skills that were really helping us. I was able to talk to him about how I felt about the whole issue with his ex and how much I hurt over that and I thought this might actually be an opportunity for some healing, as he was able to listen to me, validate what I was feeling and even apologise for some of the stuff he did while we were together.

I was doing OK - but still feeling pretty unsafe and reactive and already in the last month have had a few moments where I reacted to him (mainly when he was talking about fun and/or sexual stuff he did with his ex while they were together - that really triggers me for some reason) but we managed to work through it.

Yesterday it all seemed to come tumbling down though, with a huge fight that started over something he did that upset me, which he took as criticism and over a period of a few hours, it turned it into being that he is not good enough, he isn't worth being with, he should just die  

I really don't know how to deal with this kind of stuff and don't know if I want to even be involved with someone who turns me being upset about something he did into talking about dying - that is so scary! Given the fact that he has already attempted to take his own life and would have died if someone didn't find him (and he left a message for his ex saying you can finally be happy now, or something guilt inducing along those lines), it terrifies me. I want to help him and be there for him, but I know he would say I am selfish if I explain how stressful it is on me, having someone you love saying such things about dying - especially when laced with guilt - he would think I should be concerned about him in that situation, not concerned about how it affects me... .

I know I probably contributed to him feeling bad yesterday, I didn't validate his feelings, totally lost control of how I felt and had told him that I didn't think we should be together during the fight (as I really don't know if I want to get back on this rollercoaster)... .

How can you support someone when they are dysregulating that badly, whilst also protecting yourself? After he said that, I managed to be very calm and try to validate how he was feeling, completely shifting from what I was upset about, into focusing on him as I thought that was the only way to deal with it, to help him feel OK again. I did wonder whether it was also an manipulative attempt to move the conversation away from the issue I had.

How can I explain that don't know how to support him when he is feeling like that, without him feeling like I don't care? I struggle with feeling compassion, to also feeling angry as what he is doing it feels really manipulative  If I get angry, that will just escalate things and I worry (am terrified) that he could do something bad which I would never never forgive myself for. He did threaten suicide a few times over the years we were originally together

I am so completely torn right now... .This feels like a really dangerous situation to be putting myself into, but I love him and want to support him - especially when he is feeling so low. I do feel like this is an opportunity for us to both learn and improve our communication (I really struggle with feeling the need to run away when things get hard, which he says he wants to help me with), which is one of the big reasons we seem to keep getting back together. something just seems to draw us together. But perhaps that is just my warped sense of things and I am like a moth drawn to the flame that could potentially take me down

I guess the immediate thing I need help with though, is what to do to let him know that using talk of dying or suicide as a weapon (as that is really what it feels like) is just not OK and I can't handle that kind of stress/pressure in my life?

[eeyore]

Try to remain calm.  Try to listen.  Try to validate to he knows you understand.  If he can't self soothe and you find the threat serious then it's beyond your capability to help him and you need to get help.  Call 911.

[lilybear14]

Thanks eeyore, that is what I tried to do and it seemed to work - doesn't stop how stressful it was though  I guess I just have to keep working on calmness and validation in that situation and possibly try to remove myself from it as well.

I have thought about calling 911 before - or even his parents, when things escalated and I couldn't calm it down, but I am pretty sure he would have totally flipped out if I had done that, as he changed from being sad/depressed to super angry with me when I told him I thought he was just saying stuff to manipulate me.

This is so hard  I don't know if I want to do it, but love him so much, it feels like I would be letting him down if I decided not to be in a relationship with him and also wasting an opportunity for growth for myself and him... .stuff I can only learn through being in the situation I am in with him... .

[lilybear14]

Does anyone else have any suggestions please? Is it something I should talk to him about before he dysregulates again? So he knows that I will call 911 or get further help because I don't know how to support him - would that help him to understand that I do care and that is the reason I would call for help, because I don't want the pressure to be on me to fix however he is feeling. I really worry that would happen, he would blame me for how he is feeling and expect me to make it better. He told me that the reason he attempted suicide last time was because his ex kept blowing him off when he told her that he wanted to talk (she had already made plans for 3 nights in a row that week and she didn't cancel them for him) that showed him that she didn't care about him or what he had to say and he got depressed. When she turned him over to the psych team, that was the ultimate abandonment and total lack of care and concern as far as he was concerned. She was pushing him away when he needed her most. (Never mind the fact he tried to kill himself and left her a guilt laden message about how he hoped she was happy now)... .

I don't know whether to completely remove myself from the situation or just say upfront, if you talk about feelings of wanting to die, I need you to get help, not from me or I will call 911. Or is there something I can do to try and give him help in that situation, a way to learn to handle myself in that kind of situation better, so I don't get triggered and make things worse... .This is so hard  :'(

I think I did OK the other day in that I tried to validate him and talk him down from the intense death wish feelings, but it has been totally crap between us since then. I saw him once, the next day, but he made an excuse and left after an hour when we had planned to spend the evening together and is now avoiding phone calls and sending very short infrequent texts - the good old silent treatment, I haven't experienced it for nearly a year and I sure don't miss it!

[stockholmama]

Hello lilybear,

I have personal experience with this. (Long time since i've been on this board but i'm still around.)

I'm going to echo what others have said about 911. It is hard for you to tell what his intentions really are. He may be serious. He may not be serious but seriously manipulative. Whichever way it goes, it is not for you to figure that out. That's why a professional needs to sort it out. Not you.

You have already experienced a silent treatment response from this. That is just a small taste of what could happen if you, say, decide to call his bluff and actually alert the authorities that someone is threatning suicide and has the means/history/tools available immediately to accomplish that. You can look up my history and see what could potentially happen if you do call 911 on someone like this. But that does not mean that it isn't justified.

I wish you well and good luck. And please, no matter how much you love him, please do not begin an intimate relationship with someone so unstable.