We're Not In Kansas Anymore

[anncgrl]

The past few months have bordered on the surreal. My 38 year old son is, on his own, often difficult to communicate with and is the world's biggest victim but he also has times that are awesome and kind and loving. His seven year old son loves him very much despite the episodes of yelling, impatience, mood swings, etc. My son is divorced from my grandson's mother and there have been some awful times of the two of them screaming and yelling at each other. All this to say that I am not new to the world of walking on eggshells but recent events have surpassed anything I would have predicted. I find myself struggling to accept our family's current reality and the chasm that has opened up between my son and myself.

Fortunately the moment I began on this site I learned some basic skills for communicating with a BPD. In the past I have done almost the exact wrong thing. In these new days I have lost my footing. Reading articles and listening to a few of the videos here have helped me reframe my perception of a BPD's true personality.

In March one of my son's friends from years ago moved in with him leaving her four children and her husband behind to move here. She and my son knew each other in day care up through high school, lost touch for years and found eacch other on FB. She arrives with stories of severe abuse at the hands of her husband, my son having saved her life by letting her come live with him, she has always had a deep crush on my son but did not let him know... .one thing after the other. Very dramatic. Not easy to like but my son has fallen into some kind of cult-like relationship with her. Nearly everything she has said has proven to be a lie or a gross exaggeration of the facts. She has a huge impact on my son... .almost genius like in her manipulations of the truth. He, being ripe for anything that adds to his story of misery, has fallen into step with her. Over the last few months my son has become more and more alienated from me, from friends he has had for 20 years, from our neighbors. His lifestyle has become hidden and increasingly combative. All of his insecurities are heightened. Everyone sees the power she has over him. This has led into  deeper irrational expectations on my son's part of what we should all be doing for him, how his life sucks because of my choices in the past, society in general has it out for him. Anyone dealing with full blown dpd behavior knows what I am talking about only now there are two.

Through a series of events involving police, ambulances, a brief break-up, etc. I have somehow ended up the villain. My relationship with my son is in shreds. His "fiancee" holds multiple grudges and resentments towards me for who knows what and she coaches him on how to pass those on to me.

In two days of texts between my son and myself I have practiced the validation skills I read here and I have kept it in front of me that my son and his girlfriend are not monsters. I have stayed polite, kept my boundaries and let him know I love him. Of course he thinks I am the mother from hell and that I don't love him. I told him I understand and that I know he is frustrated. BUT... .these interactions are exhausting and emotionally painful. My own stuff gets in the way and lies to me about how things were with my son before this girl came along. The venomous responses to me by my son are hurtful even though I know now that it really is not about me and that it is my responsibility to learn how to communicate in new and more effective ways.

What I don't know is where do I draw the line while communicating with him? What I don't know is what to do with the hurt, exhaustion and shock at this behavior that seems to be blossoming more and more each day? How do I protect myself? Is it o.k. to say, at times, that I don't want to communicate with him at that moment or is that invalidating behavior? My brain is fried and I have a free floating anxiety that is not healthy for me but I can't seem to turn it off. I am having trouble breaking a cycle of co-dependence I have towards my son. How do I separate myself from him with love rather than anger/frustration and, worse, a hidden agenda to hurt him back?

I am truly not in Kansas anymore and the good fairy is not in sight!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Dibdob59]

You are caught up in the middle of full-blown BPD drama.  In my experience rational responses and logic will have little effect.  He will not be hearing your replies as the communication will be one way only for him. 

Do not 'dexify' (defend, explain, justify) as it is my experience your son will not be wanting to see your side of things.  He is venting and you are the one in the firing line.

Do you have to respond?

Can you to ignore his venomous texts?

Can you turn off your cell or phone?

How is responding helping - if it just prolongs the conversation but resolves nothing I do not see that your interaction is benefitting anyone.

I know that as his mum you want to be there and not ignore him in case he feels devalued.  But this raging and blaming of you is coming from somewhere else that seems to have been triggered by the new girlfriend

Would distance and standing back be better at this time?

It may give you both an opportunity to reflect and some peaceful time for you.

One of the hardest things for us mums is to accept that our grown sons are no longer swayed by what we have to say.  It worked when they were small, but not any more.

Be kind to yourself and choose not to engage in this cycle.

Dibdob

[anncgrl]

Thank you so much for your reply and your suggestions and observations. Everything in me feels better because your suggestions make such good sense and are spot on.

Yes, I can detach from him and give some space. I only need to deal with him when my grandson is involved.

Your e-mail has such clarity. I think I amgoing to print it out and put it by my desk to refer to whenI start getting sucked into the vortex. As I said, I am feeling the discomfort of letting go and that colors my thinkiing. Comments like yours give me clarity and permission to do what my gut is telling me is the right thing.

No, I did not make any progress with him. When he realized I had offered acceptable choices he changed the game and started on a new tactic. It would be absolutely fascinating if I was an uninvolved observer.

My choice to spar with him has left me exhausted and my body aches all over. I am not being caring for my self. I often don't know what that looks like. Your observations resonate with truth to me. At some level I knew what you have said but I could not drag myself out of the vortex of the BPD storm. I think the key is not to get in the storm. Thank you! I will post here as time surely will offer me the opportunity to practice taking care of myself. gotta take care of my own baggage. 

[Kate4queen]

The worst crisis in our relationship with our son came when he became involved with a younger girl at school and suddenly we were the enemy. She lied, she manipulated, she set everyone against him and then when he tried to get out of the relationship she wouldn't let it go, texts, FB, phone calls, gossip at school she stalked him relentlessly.

What I realize in hindsight is that she probably had BPD as well and that the combination of both of them was so toxic it affected everyone around them.

To me it sounds like your son and this woman are in a similar kind of situation.

I had to learn to stop getting into the arguments with him, because you'd cut off one head and another one would emerge or ten more and you just got sucked down into his rage and anger and it was exhausting.

Once I realized that me shouting and screaming and trying to justify myself just made things worse, I started off by allowing one go-around of the discussion and then I would refuse very politely to go round again.

I also told him quite clearly that if I felt verbally abused or threatened by him in any way I had the right to discontinue the conversation and put the phone down or ignore his emails whatever it took for me to have time to breathe and assess what he was actually saying as opposed to rushing to fix things or placate him out of my fear.

You have to stop letting him run you at his pace and step back. It's hard but I found it helped me think straight. Also find someone who can let you talk through your side of the story so that you too are heard and validated as well as him. Then you don't need to tell him those things but can work on that calm validation. He'll hate it but in the long run it might save your sanity.

[peaceplease]

anncgirl,

It is okay to take a break when you are not up to talking.  I have turned my phone off when my uBPDd was being evil.  I knew that it would just be her yelling in my ear.  I know that I felt bad for doing it, as I worried that she may go over the edge and attempt an OD.  I was taking care of me.  Of course, my uBPDd told me that it was really ignorant of me to do it, and what if she had an emergency.  She was being dramatic, as we have a house phone, and there are other people she can contact. 

I am trying to figure out ways not to be around my dd so much.  She has been in wicked mode. She has a suspended drivers license. I will let my dh help me when I am not up to it.  She hates it, as my dh does not cater to her that much.  And, he does not have much patience when it comes to her.  But, that is the only other choice she has beside me. 

So, I say that it is okay to take a break from talking to him when you are not up to it. 

[anncgrl]

  The replies to my post have already helped me by giving me permission to take care of myself and, maybe more importantly, simmply hearing from other people who know exactly what I am experiencing at this timme. It is comforting and it is challenging because each of you are showing me that there are answers for myself... .boundaries that I can set that will give me breathing room and also demonstrate to my son and his girlfriend that I am not a target for them to shoot at whenever they choose.

I also believe they are both BPD. My son is different than his gf in many ways. I think his gf is, potentially, a dangerous person in all of our lives. I am trying not to stare at that belief. It draws me into a world of BPD even when I am not in contact with them. My son is passive aggressive and extremely needy... .looking for that perfect love to make his world a paradise. I saw it clearly when they broke u for a few days. He said to me that he needs to be held, to cuddle in the bed, to be the center of attention. In many ways he reminds me of myself when I was his age. I too sacrificed everything to be with someone and accepted extremely disfunctional relationships to be "loved". In this respect it is almost as if my son is living out my choices in his own life.

I am going to set boundaries for communication. I felt a wave of relief wash over me as I realized that I can and will draw the line at what is acceptable for me. Funny thing is that I have done this in the distant past with him but have def lost touch with doing that in the here and now. I know this is critically important for me because I have experienced a hangover emotionally and physically from the stress of the past week. I could have made our text conversation 1/3 of the length that it was if I had stopped after letting my son know what I was willing to do in response to his request and I would have done it as suggested in this site. But, like a moth to the flames, I continued... .paid the price for sure.

Part of the intensity is me letting go... .the discomfort of the process, my imaginations of what could happen, my unrealistic belief that I am somehow responsible, my denial of my son's age... .seeing him as a hurt little boy... .all these thought patterns are mine and there is real pain, angst, and even, reluctance to let go happening in me. I have my own journey to make in all of this insanity. Probably best if I pursue that rather than chasing the wind and shadow boxing. Oh yeah... .the need to be liked, validated... .well I don't particularly like where this is going... .guess what? I am still accepting unacceptable behavior to get just a tiny amount of validation.   

[anncgrl]

As is usual in my life with my son the severe storm of full blown BPD has passed and he, I hear from my mother, believes he and I are both o.k. with each other. I wonder at times if he even remembers what he says and does in full blown BPD. I know that he does not see the impact on others at all. Coming to this site has provided me with a few simple skills that are making a difference for me today. I am sure those will grow with time.

I don't know how to handle the aftermaths. Of course this is the first big episode that impacted me so deeply in that it triggered the ptsd that resides deep inside me. I communicated back and forth with my son far longer than was good for me even though it was eventually in texts. I know now what to do and when to end an interaction with him. I love him but I don't like him at this time. He has a bunch of daily living stresses that keep him on edge on a good day. It is easy to get close enuff to experience the severe intensity of his sense of entitlement and victim of the year. I say this without rancor and fully understanding that he is not intentionally lashing out. He seems more like a wild animal that is sick and has been confined to protect himself. And I do what makes him completely nuts... .I walk on glass around him. This makes me behave in a nervous manner or in, what he perceives, as an aggressive manner. It is comical in one way. I vacillate from mature adult to a juvenile wanting to fan the flames. It is true that the insanity impacts anyone coming in contact with it.

So, I am feeling estranged from my son. I am acting as if all is well by doing some of the things I have always done for him and his family. I want to do these things. They demonstrate love and they are not intrusive. A large part of my problem is detaching. It is terribly uncomfortable and is made more so by the BPD's response to detachment. I swear they almost seem to have a sixth sense and feel people pulling away. Of course that would fit nicely with the fear of abandonment. There is a more than small chance that I fear estrangement also.

What I do not want to happen and what I am working diligently to prevent is for me to become enmeshed in all this stuff and allow it to reside in my head on perfectly beautiful days when much in my world is just fine. Like so many things in life it is indeed complex and yet simple. As a recovering addict and alcoholic I know how quickly I can begin to chase my own tail. Much like my cat who suddenly springs into action twirling round and round trying to catch his own tail, I experience the futility of the chase. It is the merry-go-round that I want to stay off of, if possible. For me and for him. As it has been said on this site... .I am the one  seeking help and desiring change. What a long, strange trip it is... .

[anncgrl]

  The pink cloud has evaporated. After finding this site, reading a bit, watching a few videos and, predictably for me, thinking I had a handle on this after about a week, I find myself mired up to my neck in self-pity. I want to talk about how abandoned I feel by the udBPD's in my life and by my severely depressed husband and I want to talk about how tired I am of being the grown up and of craving adult responses from those around me. I want to ride off into the night, a weary war-torn survivor. STOP THE MADNESS! This morning, early, as kitty-kitty purred around my head, I realized that my dis-ease has cunningly cloaked itself in the deadly "When do I get what I deserve?" guise and I let it in my heart and into my home agreeing with it more and more. Internally I have been all about me. Externally I have been the ever suffering victim of these crazy people and who is going to love ME?   

Finally God had enough of this insanity on my part and this morning I woke up recognizing myself. My head cleared. My vision improved and I knew that it is me making me so crazy and me not loving myself that has brought the house down with self-pity.

I find it incredibly difficult to accept reality in the daily living and interacting with BPD's and with debilitating depression. It is such a subtle shift in thinking. I will experience a victory of sorts, detach with love, feel pretty darn good for a little while and one day I come to my senses only to realize that I have gotten BPD drunk and am in full hangover.   

So today is humble-pie day. I can feel a resistance in me. Someone in me is pouting and very much wants to avoid learning new skills and dealing with reality in a healthy way. I know this journey is difficult. I know none of us get it right all the time. And I know that dark thoughts, self-pity and rage based motivations are deadly. Time to put on my big girl panties and practice. That word jumped out at me when I first found this site. PRACTICE! PRACTICE! PRACTICE! Why? So I can get this crazy person out of my head. So I can make better choices to care for myself and so I can, with God's help, love my family just as they are and not as I wish they could be.   

[Rapt Reader]

Wow, anncgrl! You have truly turned a corner 

It sounds like you are experiencing Radical Acceptance for family members and have had a breakthrough... .We cannot change anyone besides ourselves, but once we do, the people we love the most generally change also. So, you are on your way! Congratulations, anncgrl... .

I'm really happy to see your progression; you described it very well! Good job