Allegations against me...

[muffetbuffet]

So here we go again.  My husband and I requested a school meeting to deal with grades and attendance.  If it were only that easy.  While in the meeting, another person stopped by and joined our meeting.  :)id not know this person as someone on our "school team".  Come to find out that she is from children and youth protective services.  Our dd told someone at school yesterday that I got into a verbal argument with her.  She left the room and went to another part of the house.  I followed her with a hot knife and pressed it on her arm and burned her.  There is more, but this is the shortened version.  Anyhow, an investigation has to be done along with a safety check of our home.  Seriously.  Thank GOD I stayed late at work on the day of the alleged incident and have proof that I was not at home.  How do my husband and I continue to manage with all of this stress hanging over us?  I am so ready to move out myself.   :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Oh dear muffetbuffet... .I am so very sorry that you are going through this. 

The first book I read on BPD was Stop Walking On Eggshells by Kreger and Mason.  In the book it says that false allegations of abuse are common with people who suffer from BPD.  I started keeping a daily log and diary of all my interactions with my daughter to help protect myself if she ever made false allegations.  Thankfully I didn't have to go through that.

Remind me please, is your daughter diagnosed?

Hang in there muffet!

[peaceplease]

muffetbuffet,

I am so sorry that you are going through this.   

Have you experienced anything like these false allegations before?  I could not imagine going through that.

peaceplease

[muffetbuffet]

Daughter is not formally diagnosed, but "demonstrating symptoms of BPD" is what we are told.  We have been told that she will not be able to be formally diagnosed until age 18. 

Yes, we have gone through the whole allegation stuff before.  Previously, dd made a claim that her older bio brother (who also lives with us) molested her repeatedly for 2 years.  Children and youth services along with several interviews with police and the case was unfounded.  She still claims that it happened while he says it did not.  Real tough situation to be in when it is one child against the other.  DD always felt that we took son's side in all of it.  She blames us for the alleged molestation and said that we allowed it to happen. 

We too used to keep a journal but kind of got away from it.  Guess it is back to it again!

[jellibeans]

Muffet

My heart hurts for you. I have been in your shoes and it is truly the worst feeling  I remember the call I got one day from children's services when out daughter told her then new therapist and school that she was abused by my husband. I cried and cried that day. I think here is where you can see the illness plainly and understand how sick your dd is.

Here is what changed for our family that day. We realized we could not go it alone and we needed to call for help when she was deregulated. That day we called the police when she ran away or self harmed. Take her directly to the ER when she was trying to hurt herself. We could not put our selves in a position like that again. I also kept a journal and wrote of any conflict or problems daily. It helped when we were at meeting at p hospitals to have a timeline. So much happens that it is hard to remember all the details.

So going forward what is your plan for dd? Is she getting any help? We found a new therapist last Christmas and she really has made a difference. Our dd16 was in a RTC for a couple of months and that helped break the cycle of self harm. I hope you are doing okay.

[muffetbuffet]

Thanks for asking.  I am doing better today than yesterday.  I cried too many tears yesterday.  Tears of anger, frustration, fear and desperation.  We are so stuck at this point.  DD did have a med check appt. yesterday after our school meeting.  She did say that she would get back on meds and she did take them last night.  Will see how far that goes as we have heard this story so many times before.  Ironically, dd  received a letter from her therapist yesterday because of cancelled appts. she is ready to close her case.  I knew that the letter was coming as therapist contacted me prior to sending it.  When we asked if she was going to reschedule, dd said she was not sure.  So, at this point aside from our school team, we do have the med. dr but she only sees dd once a month and that is not really a help to us.  Children protective services will be at our house this week for a safety inspection.  My husband and I hope that we have the opportunity to sit down with the person who comes to make yet another plea for help.  It is sad to say that the conversations that my husband and I had last night were how do we protect ourselves at this point?  We need to make sure that we are not alone with dd unless absolutely necessary.  There is absolutely ZERO TRUST with her at this point.  We will go back to documenting on a daily basis.  We are "friends" with our local police and do not hesitate to call them if we feel the need.  They unfortunatly know our home well and have a good background of the history of issues here so it helps if we call them. 

[jellibeans]

Muffet

I am sorry but I don't remember your dd age. How old is she now?

I remember times when my dd stopped taking her meds or they were changing her meds.  It is not easy and I am sure your dd's mood is all over the place.

Can you figure out a way to get her back to her therapist or to to new one?  My dd saw two different t's  and did not click with them. If she is resisting it might be time to look for a new one.  Her T now does DBT and it has been just what was missing and needed

For us school is a real stressor and I realize my anxeity over this issue is high. I am trying not to micro manager her. She needs to be passing all her subjects or she loses the truck and the ability to drive herself to school. This is something she values a great deal. Can you find a consequence for her?

Lastly have you found a therapist for yourself? Are you all seeing a family therapist. We found a good family therapist and she is helping us a great deal.  I think it is very important to find someone familiar with BPD. We had family T before and their suggestion of what we could do were not the best looked back. Thankfully we realized they were not equipped and we moved on. I guess that has helped. I feel like I wasted time and money with therapist who were clueless. Finding someone for you dd and family will make a difference

I am sorry I am going long with this reply. It really brought back a lot of memories for when my dd had done this to us. The hurt was unbareable but we got through it and made some needed changes   I hope you are better today. They obviously don't believe your dd or she would have been removed from your home. Stay strong. Once they inspect your home they will see the truth.

[lbjnltx]

jellibeans,

What helped you get through the investigation of allegations of abuse made by your daughter?

What changes did you need to make to protect yourselves in the event she made these allegations again?


lbjnltx

[jellibeans]

I think the main thing was to call police when she reach a point of being out of control. What happened the night she accused my husband is long but he was trying to calm her down and stop her from hurting herself. We thought wrongly we could do this on our own. After that night we changed. We called the police and if possible we tried to walk away before she got so out of control. We learned how to better defuse the conflict and better yet we learned how to reduce the conflicts with her.

I think with a person who has ODD there is always a lot of conflict and a constant power struggle. We set up better boundaries and looked for natural consequences. I think I have just changed how I interact with her and that has made a huge difference.

We are still learning and I mistakes and so does she but I think she seems more willingly to listen to us and we have been more open to listen to her too. I am hopeful things will continue to improve. I am hoping she matures more and I think that will help too.

[jellibeans]

Sorry I didn't address how we made it through

I got a phone call from children services so I was aware they were investigating but what I didn't know was they had removed my dd from school that day and they were interviewing her. I got a call around 4 that day telling me they were coming to my home with my dd to discuss and investigate. They were very stern with me and told me my husband needed to leave work and be there too. Very stressful. When they arrived and after they talked with my daughter and my husband and myself they realized what the real story was and told us they still needed to report what happened but that he doubted anything would happen further. So the whole thing happened all in the one day and it was not spread out. It was a terrible day and I just cried and cried. CPS told us they came there with every intension to remove our dd but after talking with us they truly got the whole story. It was day that changed us all. We realized we could not put ourselves at risk so I kept a journal and we called for help or took her to the ER.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Muffet,

I am coming to this conversation late, but I want to say that I am sorry you are going through all the pain and the stress.  

I think that the others have given you wonderful advice - and some of it you already knew, so you just had to dust it off, and start the journal again.

I read a book on BPD that talks about divorcing spouses and false allegations. Some of that information might be helpful in your situation also:

The main point was to - yes, 1. document; and the other points were - 2. to be cooperative with the authorities, and 3. to keep calm, when/if the pwBPD tries to stirr anger in us in front of the authorities.

The main point was that the pwBPD can be very persuasive in their accusations. However, sooner or later, if we remain calm, cooperative and follow rules, it will become impossible for the pwBPD to keep up that picture of us being the out of control ones and they will eventually start incriminating themselves as well.

It is a good thing that you already have a good relationship with the police - that can stand as a huge support in your favor. And even that painful experience with past allegations can now stand as a piece of the puzzle that will paint the rest of the picture... .

Hopefully that CPS visit can be a positive experience - an opportunity for getting more help for dd, rather than a tool for dd to 'get you in trouble'.

Please let us know how it goes... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[muffetbuffet]

Sounds like I have stirred the pot here a bit with my original post.  As bad as this experience has been, I am glad to see that many others have gone through it also. Thanks for sharing all of your thoughts and stories.

jellibeans,  DD is 16 (516 days until she turns 18  ).  The T that she currently has, but is ready to dismiss her is rather new.  DD had an issue with T this summer so we switched her to someone new.  DD has only gone twice and has refused to go again.  Don't think she has even given this woman a real chance as DD has been in the I don't need help mode for the past few months.  I will revisit scheduling an appt. this week. 

We have been through family based therapy three times.  Each time, we were able to get past the big hurdle at that time and move forward.  At this point, I don't think family therapy would be productive as I know I would be hesitant to talk in front of DD about the issues at hand since she is so hateful, spiteful, disrespectful, untruthful, etc that we cannot give her more fuel for her fire.  Husband and I have talked about finding someone for us to talk with, but have never really followed through.  Maybe it is time.  It really is hard to care for ourselves in the middle of all of this. 

On a positive note, it is very quiet here today.  DD did comply with request to get back on her meds at least right now.  She has been sleeping for hours, but that is a normal reaction for her when she starts on the meds.  She has also been a bit reserved in that I think addressing the allegations in front of our whole school team and then being told that I was not home so really no one believes her was quite a blow to her.  She knows that she has no one to go to to talk about this whole mess and cry the blues as everyone has heard the true story and she is lying.  It was  real wake up call for her.  I really believe that GOD makes things happen for a reason. 

[pessim-optimist]

That's a good report, muffetbuffet!

... .Husband and I have talked about finding someone for us to talk with, but have never really followed through.  Maybe it is time.  It really is hard to care for ourselves in the middle of all of this. 

... .She has also been a bit reserved in that I think addressing the allegations in front of our whole school team and then being told that I was not home so really no one believes her was quite a blow to her.  She knows that she has no one to go to to talk about this whole mess and cry the blues as everyone has heard the true story and she is lying.  It was  real wake up call for her.  I really believe that GOD makes things happen for a reason. 

Thumbs up on both accounts! 

Actually - thank you for stirring the pot. I think this is really a topic worth exploring.

[jellibeans]

I think this was a great topic and it highlighted a very common trait of pwBPD... .but I think the more important lesson here is what you will do going forward. I feel sometimes I am so busy running around putting out fires I miss the real point of the problem... .something has to change or it will happen again... .your dd needs someone to talk with and share her feelings even if they are not true... .working with a therapist can help her. I hope the best for you all... .sounds like you have a plan in place going forward... .don't get bogged down with the day to day stuff and try to look at the bigger picture here... .times like this remind me of the illness and if my dd could do better she would... .my dd is not evil... .she is sick... .all I know is that I can and will keep searching for better methods to interact with her... .baby steps...

[twojaybirds]

Oh yes the false allegations.

I opened my door to 8 cops and the street blocked off after a 911 call from my dd who was at the neighbors.

but it gets "better"

I teach high school where she was a senior at the time and she arrived on school with a neck brace letting everyone know she had a fractured neck because of the 'beating' I had given her.

I said nothing but held my head high.

It was tough then but I can even laugh now.

It gets better... .

[Being Mindful]

My BPD.d made allegations against my dh. From that point forward, our plan to protect ourselves was that either one of us was never alone with her. It was extremely exhausting and stressful, but necessary. Also, we documented any major interactions with her and in addition, I kept a simple journal with quick notes of activities of each day as a trigger reminder should we need to know what we had been doing on any given day.

[muffetbuffet]

So if this is something that we all deal with ... .the lies ... .the allegations... .is there ever anything that the law or child protective services will do to help out... .to deal with false reports?  I should not be afraid to live in my own home.  My husband should not be afraid to live in our home.  We should not have to write down every interaction with our daughter for fear that we may have to use the evidence to keep ourselves out of jail at some point in the future.  I get it that dd is ill. I get it that she needs help.  I get it that it is my job as a parent that I should do all I can do to help her, but this is getting old really fast.  She is literally killing me with all of the stress of living with her.  Sorry for soundling mean and angry tonight, but I am!  I just want my life back.  I am not asking for a perfect daughter, but I also should not have to live with someone whom I am afraid of.    :'( :'(

[muffetbuffet]

Oh yeah, DD got up this AM and is just a wonderful human being  Pleasant conversation and being "normal".  Even referred to us as mom and dad today when she has been calling us by our first names since we are "not her parents".  I am not sure what is harder to deal with... .the angry child or the sickning sweet one?  I know in my heart that it is all superficial and there is no meaning behind her kindness.  It is hard to just take it for what is is worth and live in the moment.  I am still so hurt from her accusations and would love to confront her on it, but know that it would just create a huge mess.  She will be confronted at some point, but it will be with a third party involved and not just my husband and I. 

Oh happy day.  Lord I pray that I can get through another day of this non stop drama. 

[MammaMia]

Muffet

Have you ever considered placing your dd in foster care?  Or is there a relative she gets along with who would be willing to help?

You and your husband should not have to live this way.  You do not deserve the abuse she is dishing out, and sadly, being a minor empowers her.  She is playing the system at the expense of her family. 

Even a temporary break might get the message through to her that you have had enough of her behavior. 

[pessim-optimist]

Oh yeah, DD got up this AM and is just a wonderful human being  Pleasant conversation and being "normal".  Even referred to us as mom and dad today when she has been calling us by our first names since we are "not her parents".  I am not sure what is harder to deal with... .the angry child or the sickning sweet one?  I know in my heart that it is all superficial and there is no meaning behind her kindness.  It is hard to just take it for what is is worth and live in the moment.  I am still so hurt from her accusations and would love to confront her on it, but know that it would just create a huge mess.  She will be confronted at some point, but it will be with a third party involved and not just my husband and I. 

Oh happy day.  Lord I pray that I can get through another day of this non stop drama. 

Hi again Muffetbuffet,

I am sorry, I don't remember - is your dd adopted, or is she your bilological child?

After so much drama, it is hard to 'get over it' when our child has seemingly gotten over it or just being superficial, or whatever is going on with them... .I know this hurts and it is all really stressful, and I understand your feelings - when my sd would switch her behavior like that, I wanted to confront her too, or alternatively, I wanted to just leave and not look back... .

The thing that helps me now, is that if I feel that way, I remind myself, that under all those behaviors, in there somewhere is a really scared little girl, one who is in pain, and has a hard time living with herself and her own emotions... .

Also, I remind myself that my feelings are perfectly reasonable, that anger is a sign that something needs to change. The thing that keeps me hopeful is that we are moving forward, I am still learning skills that can improve the interactions that I have with my sd (even though I don't have the power to make her better), and with the help of natural consequences, and reinforcing positive behavior, we have a better chance of our lives being more peaceful... .

Baby steps... .Hang in there, Muffet.

[crazedncrazymom]

Wow muffet!  That is some crazy stuff!  I'm so sorry you have to deal with it.  Doesn't it just tick you off that any time someone makes an allegation the state just has the right to DEMAND to talk to you and check your house like you're some kind of lowlife. 

Did dd mark herself or is there no proof?  I know it will be unfounded but jeez it just puts you through the ringer doesn't it?  How are you going to deal with your dd as far as these accusations go?  Such a tough position to be in.  I imagine you want to scream and strangle her but the states there watching dang it!  I do know the pain and frustration you are going through as we have been there too.  I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this situation.

crazed

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[muffetbuffet]

DD was adopted by us at the age of 7. 

We asked this summer about turning her over to foster care, but because it is our request that "we cannot handle her" we have to pay to have her placed in care.  Something like 25% of family income which is crazy.  We do not have any family that would take her in... .have already asked that.  Honestly that would just be moving the problem from our house to another.

I am not sure how to deal with the allegations.  I would really like to confront her, but won't do that without support in place.  I am sure she will not take any responsibility for what she has done.  One of her "injuries" was a burn on her wrist that obviously was self - inflicted.  Looks like her hair straightener.  My concern is that if she is willing to self inflict an injury to create this mess, what else is she willing to do?

[pessim-optimist]

You are in such a difficult position muffet... .

You are right though, that it would just be moving the problem on to another house. Plus, your dd would have an additional wound from being 'rejected'/'abandoned' by you. These darlings so need to be loved and yet, they can make it so hard for us to love them... .

I have read this book:The Primal Wound not too long ago. It gives a really good description of adopted children's issues and explanation for their behaviors. It is also a book that can heal some of the adopted parents' hurts. If/when you have the time and energy, I think you might find it helpful... .

[jellibeans]

Here is an idea I am just throwing out there... at one point I thought of getting a camera... .one that can video tape our conflicts so I have something to go back on in case she accused me or my husband of abuse. The security kind of camera that is triggered with movement etc... .

[muffetbuffet]

jellibeans... .Great idea on the camera but the whole crazy part about these allegations is that neither my husband or I were home when it all supposedly took place.

[jellibeans]

Do you think that things might improve in this area since she was not able to convince people she was abused? Our dd I think was rather shocked by the schools response to her allegations... .I don't think she really knew what she was doing at the time... .I don't think she will do this in the future because it really wasn't believed and also she was a bit scared by the whole thing.

[MammaMia]

jellibeans

My grandkids have told me about similar instances at their schools.  Where children are angry with their parents and they "report" them for misconduct or abuse.  When an investigation ensures they are mortified at being told THEY are the problem, not the parents and that the allegations are not true.  They lied.

These kids get the attention they were seeking but at a price.  Humiliation.

They wanted to start trouble, gets lots of sympathy, and yet they end up putting their parents through hell and looking like a spoiled brat to their peers. 

[jellibeans]

Mamma and muffet

it is a hard thing for parents to go through... .we were shocked and devastated but once it was over I had to go back to the school... .I was not angry with my dd and I asked them not to be either... .the school she went to was some what judgemental... .I wrote a long letter to them trying to explain... .it was very embarrassing for dd and I think she felt some shame about it too... .I really feel when they are at their worse is when they need us the most.

I think what makes this siuation so hard for all involved is that we as parents feel we are being judged... .somehow if we were better parents things like this wouldn't be happening... .have you heard parents comment on other kids behavior and blame the parents? Although this might be true at times it is also true that when dealing with a person with BPD their actions are out of our control. What makes it twice as hard is the mental illness... .we are trying to protect our children from this label but at times it is just impossible to do so.

[muffetbuffet]

So I understand that the allegations are yelling out for help.  How do you get past all of the emotion in all of this?  Today I found myself wanting nothing to do with daughter.  She had a dr. appt. I picked her up.  Not a word was spoken in the car ride to dr.  She sat at one end of waiting room and I sat at the opposite end.  There were a few words spoken on the way home, but only about dr. appt.  I just could not handle being around her  I drove to our home, dropped her off at the end of the driveway and left.  I went to the mall and walked around until husband was done with work and then we both went home.  Not sure if it is the fear of being left home alone with her and the possibility of other allegations or the idea that she really hurt me.  I have no idea if she has any idea of what she has done, but two of the people who have fought for her for the last ten years are at the end of their rope and ready to say we are done.  Should I confront dd about it all?  I just cannot let this all go and pretend it never happened like I think she is hoping will be the case.  Very frustrated right now. 

[simenora]

Admit you need help to help her. None of us can do this alone. Sometimes we have to give up to allow others to try.