Getting tired of the drama

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello. I think I married someone with BPD and I'm having difficulty understanding what goes on in her head. We met last December, had a great connection, and fell in love. We were married a few months later.

The first warning signs I saw was when we traveled to China and she had expectations that act a certain way or pay for things. If I appeared tired or upset, I was rewarded with anger from her, the silent treatment, or both.

When we arrived back from the trip, she was unhappy with the way I behaved and barely talked with me for a week. She lives in Canada and I'm in the U.S., so it was extremely difficult being in separate homes. Eventually, I got her to attend one counseling session and things started to improve until... .

She expected that I pay her money since I was staying at her home 4 days a week. When I stopped paying, she gave me the silent treatment again. Eventually, we made up, but I told her that if she ever gave me the silent treatment again, then the end result would not be the same (I would leave for good).

She stopped using the silent treatment. Instead, she would harbor her feelings inside, not tell me what's wrong, and get angry. I would not see it coming and would have to work hard to get her to tell me anything. She would also pinch my nose or, more recently, kick me hard when we're in bed for no reason.

It's also been hard for her to show affection back to me. I tell her that I love her, and she responds with, “thank you.” Sometimes she'll say I love you back if I make a big issue of it, but it really feels like she does the bare minimum to keep the relationship going. Sometimes she tries to be warm and other times she is emotionless. She feeds off my emotions, so if I'm tired, she thinks I'm angry and becomes upset or angry with me.

What's really difficult is when we're apart, I have to initiate conversation with her. It's like when I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind with her. She was upset that I was trying to have some conversation (texting) with her the other day, and I told her that I would stop chatting with her. Since then, she has made no attempt to contact me.

She has told me that sometimes she likes to get lost in her world by using the Ipad. She also says that when she stays home too long, she feels anxiety. She also does not like to walk alone outside since she feels different.

I can't understand it, but I'm alone now and have no idea if she even cares that I'm alive.

[SimplySeattle]

Hello. I think I married someone with BPD and I'm having difficulty understanding what goes on in her head. We met last December, had a great connection, and fell in love. We were married a few months later.

The first warning signs I saw was when we traveled to China and she had expectations that act a certain way or pay for things. If I appeared tired or upset, I was rewarded with anger from her, the silent treatment, or both.

When we arrived back from the trip, she was unhappy with the way I behaved and barely talked with me for a week. She lives in Canada and I'm in the U.S., so it was extremely difficult being in separate homes. Eventually, I got her to attend one counseling session and things started to improve until... .

She expected that I pay her money since I was staying at her home 4 days a week. When I stopped paying, she gave me the silent treatment again. Eventually, we made up, but I told her that if she ever gave me the silent treatment again, then the end result would not be the same (I would leave for good).

She stopped using the silent treatment. Instead, she would harbor her feelings inside, not tell me what's wrong, and get angry. I would not see it coming and would have to work hard to get her to tell me anything. She would also pinch my nose or, more recently, kick me hard when we're in bed for no reason.

It's also been hard for her to show affection back to me. I tell her that I love her, and she responds with, “thank you.” Sometimes she'll say I love you back if I make a big issue of it, but it really feels like she does the bare minimum to keep the relationship going. Sometimes she tries to be warm and other times she is emotionless. She feeds off my emotions, so if I'm tired, she thinks I'm angry and becomes upset or angry with me.

What's really difficult is when we're apart, I have to initiate conversation with her. It's like when I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind with her. She was upset that I was trying to have some conversation (texting) with her the other day, and I told her that I would stop chatting with her. Since then, she has made no attempt to contact me.

She has told me that sometimes she likes to get lost in her world by using the Ipad. She also says that when she stays home too long, she feels anxiety. She also does not like to walk alone outside since she feels different.

I can't understand it, but I'm alone now and have no idea if she even cares that I'm alive.

[Samuel S.]

I empathize with you a lot! BPDs are drama queens and drama kings. If they can start a problem, they will, but it is mostly due to their past and any irritation of the day. Unfortunately, you get the brunt end of her anger and her drama as a result. It's good that you started counseling with her, but it certainly is difficult, if you're both in two different countries. I would dare say that your situation would even be the same if not worse, if she were living with you. I just wish our BPDs would understand we nonBPDs have feelings, but we don't need to create dramas. My BPD thrives on creating drama. If things are going relatively well, then, she will forecast any potential problems in the future. Bottom line, it's hard to live BPDs, not alone tolerate them! Also, because they hurt, they hurt us, just like a wounded animal. Hang in there, if you think there's enough love between the two of you!

[popeye6031]

Sorry to hear about your situation Simplyseattle. It sounds like things moved very quickly for the two of you, which is no surprise for a BPD relationship.  Putting your foot down on things and sticking to them is a good way to go but can also backfire. 

I do not want to alarm you but the only times that I have not been lavished with overbearing attention are the times when her attention is on something or someone else. Or should I say when all the attention is on her from something or someone else? 

But Samuel is right. The drama is a big feature for them and they will create something out of the smallest thing when they are dysregulating.  Good luck with it but the number 1 thing to do is to start thinking about yourself and your needs.

[SimplySeattle]

Sorry to hear about your situation Simplyseattle. It sounds like things moved very quickly for the two of you, which is no surprise for a BPD relationship.  Putting your foot down on things and sticking to them is a good way to go but can also backfire. 

I do not want to alarm you but the only times that I have not been lavished with overbearing attention are the times when her attention is on something or someone else. Or should I say when all the attention is on her from something or someone else? 

But Samuel is right. The drama is a big feature for them and they will create something out of the smallest thing when they are dysregulating.  Good luck with it but the number 1 thing to do is to start thinking about yourself and your needs.

Thank you for the insight. I never did get the overbearing attention that you've mentioned. She has to try to show affection, so I don't know if it's from her not being faithful or just being disconnected. I may have no, but I decided to stay home this weekend and sort my feelings out. She has not reached out to talk in two days, so I don't know what she's up to, but at this point, I probably should just move on to save my sanity in the future.

[Samuel S.]

SimpleSeattle, I applaud you for disconnecting from your BPD in order to reflect on your status. This is a great way to re-energize yourself and to determine your own needs. I am basically doing the same thing today. I am going to take a nice, long drive. My tendency is to connect with friends which I customarily do; however, today is going to be different. I am just going to go wherever I decide to go and just enjoy the scenery. For me, driving is very soothing along with viewing other things for a change.