19 yr. old DD and her father

[Nrsertcht]

Hello,

I am fairly new here, having posted a few times within the past several months but not of late.

To (re)introduce my situation... .my now 19 yr old DD was diagnosed with BPD/Bi-Polar/social phobia/Anxiety/OCD traits/Depression about a yr. ago. In the first 6 months of her illness, while a senior in HS, she was hospitalized 3 times for suicidal ideation/self harm and has been fairly stable now on Lithium, Lamictal and Klonopin.

We attended an adolescent/family DBT group and while DD had a hard time engaging, we completed the course. DD continues cognitive therapy weekly and sees a DMH worker on a weekly basis to transition to adulthood.

DD has always "been a blast" to raise. I'd consider her a "quiet" borderline as she doesn't rage, lie or have the otherwise typical BPD behaviors. DD is an excellent student, honors courses in HS, not many true friends though she is dating a wonderful, sweet kid she's known since infancy and I do know how unusual that is given DD's struggles. I expect he's wearing of DD's moods though

DD lives in a fantasy world. She sees no value in growing up and marrying, working... .all the "mundane" things in life. She wants to live in "another" world.

Anyhoo... .to my issue.

My DD has tremendous abandonment issues, which rule her every day. Her father (my ex) walked away from us when she was 8 yrs. old. He lives about 4 hrs. away and rarely sees her though he does occasionally text and calls every now and then. He has remarried and has a younger child. My DD is one of 5 children, 4 of whom do not live with him and do not have much contact with him (their choice)

I have tried and tried to share with my ex the complexities of her situation to no avail. He knows better (in his own mind). DD had a recent visit where she was triggered as yet again, all the raw sharing of her pain and struggles became about him and his own issues.  I know I cannot "make" him understand or even listen to me but other than validating DD's sadness/frustration/anger after visiting her dad... .are there any other suggestions to help DD?

I so wish to contact ex and lash out in words the damage he continues to do when visiting. I am so angry and I suppose this is a very long winded rant. Thanks for the forum. I DO wish there was a way to clomp him upside the head to make him "get it" but I know it's never gong to happen and I have to do damage control.

Thank you for the ears.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lovesjazz]

Perhaps you could recommend some of the BPD books or some of the links here to help him understand.

[Nrsertcht]

I have sent links, articles, blogs and given him names/info on all her providers.

He doesn't contact any of her MD's/therapists and so on.

I know I can't make him put in the time. I'm terribly frustrated that with the occasional visit/phone call, DD dissolves into tears and is so triggered.

I suppose all I can do is be there for her, listen to what she says, validate what she feels and give her the cuddles she wants. She is such a little girl inside and just wants her dad. So sad... .and unnecessary.