Values based boundaries

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi everyone,

I've been having some issues with dd16 that are small right now, but I fear will become HUGE down the road.

DD wants lip piercings (snake bites).  We do not allow any piercings or tattoos as they leave permanent marks.  We do allow her to do whatever she wants with her hair.  Currently it's a very wide Mohawk but she did have long hair with dipped ends before that.  She is also allowed to get fake piercings.  We are really trying to compromise and not stifle her too much.  She also let us know that she was bi-sexual.  We took it all in stride (ok honey... .We support you whatever you are)

However, with the all or nothing, black and white symptoms she has... .we are AMISH!  We are so protective she can hardly breath.  She has friends who have multiple piercings/tattoos and apparently are allowed to sleep over at a friend's house of the opposite sex. 

She lost all her friends when she went to rtf and has recently gotten new ones.  I'm not a fan of these friends.  But I don't say anything and allow her to do activities and such within reason.

Well, she asked if a friend could sleep over this weekend.  I said since she was bisexual that we had to treat all people equally.  No sleepovers and everyone who comes over has to stay on the first floor.  I am willing to leave the first floor and just pop down and check on everyone once in awhile.  She is extremely angry with me right now.  Of course I worry and wonder if she will decide to run away/hurt herself/attempt suicide.

I always try not to judge the other kids and when she talks about what they have or are allowed to do I simply say that their parents have different values.  Anyway I feel like I'm compromising as much as I can and allow things I never thought I would allow, but it's just not enough to satisfy dd.  Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated.

-crazed

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi everyone,

I've been having some issues with dd16 that are small right now, but I fear will become HUGE down the road.

DD wants lip piercings (snake bites).  We do not allow any piercings or tattoos as they leave permanent marks.  We do allow her to do whatever she wants with her hair.  Currently it's a very wide Mohawk but she did have long hair with dipped ends before that.  She is also allowed to get fake piercings.  We are really trying to compromise and not stifle her too much.  She also let us know that she was bi-sexual.  We took it all in stride (ok honey... .We support you whatever you are)

However, with the all or nothing, black and white symptoms she has... .we are AMISH!  We are so protective she can hardly breath.  She has friends who have multiple piercings/tattoos and apparently are allowed to sleep over at a friend's house of the opposite sex. 

She lost all her friends when she went to rtf and has recently gotten new ones.  I'm not a fan of these friends.  But I don't say anything and allow her to do activities and such within reason.

Well, she asked if a friend could sleep over this weekend.  I said since she was bisexual that we had to treat all people equally.  No sleepovers and everyone who comes over has to stay on the first floor.  I am willing to leave the first floor and just pop down and check on everyone once in awhile.  She is extremely angry with me right now.  Of course I worry and wonder if she will decide to run away/hurt herself/attempt suicide.

I always try not to judge the other kids and when she talks about what they have or are allowed to do I simply say that their parents have different values.  Anyway I feel like I'm compromising as much as I can and allow things I never thought I would allow, but it's just not enough to satisfy dd.  Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated.

-crazed

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hi c&cmom,  

I think you are right having the gut feeling that the issues could become bigger and bigger over time. Especially if your dd will get the feeling that she can get her way if she pushes hard enough... .

Being somewhat flexible and willing to listen and negotiate a workable compromise are all very good skills we can model for our kids.

On the other hand, giving in to our kid's pressure is a dangerous signal that our no does not mean no.

So, the key is to know the difference.

When enforcing our boundaries, it works best to be gentle, kind AND firm.

One very important thing is: if we state a boundary, and then give in, we are worse off than if we did not establish the boundary. So, there is a lot of forethought and preparation that is required before we introduce the boundary.

Here is a good video you might find helpful on boundaries by R. Kreger (she also talks about this in her book 'The essential family guide to BPD' it is the five C's): www.youtube.com/watch?v=85_eYftuv0k

You can also find the concept in this workshop: BOUNDARIES - Living our values

Hope this helps.

[jellibeans]

crazed

I think you handled this well. I think you compromised and although she is not completely happy I think it was a good solution.

I don't why it is that our kids are always changing hair color or asking for peircings or tattoos... .it is non stop at my home. I really dread when she turns 18 and she can do what she wants... .it is not going to be pretty.

[crazedncrazymom]

Pessim

Thanks for the video link.  I have it bookmarked so I can watch it later.  Hopefully it will give me tips to keep those boundaries enforced without her going over the edge.  I do think these boundaries are in keeping with our values and can't see any way to not have these boundaries.  You are right though.  I do get scared and probably give more than I'm comfortable with just to keep her happy.  I have to figure out how not to do that.  She really can be a big old bully.

jellibeans,

Glad to hear your daughter is doing so well!  Thanks for the support.  I'm not sure what it is with wanting the piercings/tattoos either.  She has been asking for the snakebite piercings for years now. 

I remember a post when LBJ was giving some tips for saying no without saying no. Piercings?  Sure, when you're 18 and preferably living on your own.  I try going with that approach which probably does defuse the situation a bit.

[Thursday]

crazedncrazymom,



One of the things to have to remind ourselves about when we are maintaining boundaries with our BPDkids, is that these boundaries are to help them .

My BPDSD22 has such poor ability to think ahead. Her instincts are poor and misdirected. Her friends in her last three years of high school were not kids we could trust and she has poor impulse control.

The boundaries were to protect her and mostly to protect her from herself.

We limited the piercings to her ears and no tattoos until she was 18 AND not living under our roof (pretty sure lbjnltx didn't say "preferably" not living at home).

SD has many, many piercings and many, many tattoos. The piercings are allowed by her workplace, tattoos no problem. However, she was unemployed for a very long period of time until she found a place to work that would accept them. This is her issue to deal with now. When she was under 18, if she couldn't work to pay for her own entertainment and to supplement her clothing budget it became our problem.

I think it makes perfect sense to prohibit sleepovers and if she is bi-sexual you can't allow either sex to sleep in her bed with her while she is living under your roof and under 18.

My SD had a problem with inviting "strays" to sleep over at our house. These kids I describe as strays were not actually her friends, they were kids keen on abusing our generosity for reasons of their own and these reasons seldom agreed with our desires and wishes for SD. So, we had a rule... .if you want to invite someone to sleep over we have to get to know them first. She had to have them over twice for dinner at the dinner table with us before she could invite anyone to sleep over. This eliminated her "insta-friends" from being able to use her for their own needs (which SD was ready to do due to her low self-esteem) because a kid intent on taking advantage of SD's misguided generosity wasn't willing to endure two "grilling sessions" by SD's Dad!

And I never really worried too much about compromise. Compromise involves both parties being on a level playing field... .and we are the parents. Fairness is another concept entirely and we have always tried to be fair when possible with a reminder to SD that life isn't really very fair- that family is where we endeavor to exemplify the principles of fairness and empathy that we bring to the world.

Maintain your boundaries. If she runs away you will have to deal with it. If she participates in SI, you will have to deal with it. Please, please don't allow her to hold you hostage with these threats (if that is the dynamic) because once that begins it is very difficult to change things around.

Sometimes we would tell her we were sorry that we had to be so firm and reminded her that is our job as her parents and also that "soon" she would be 18 and she could do more of what she wanted. And if she moaned about not being able to wait that long we let her moan, shrugged our shoulders and said "sorry" again.

thursday

[jellibeans]

I wanted to add my older dd is not BPD and is 18... .she would very much like a tattoo as well but I told her as long as we are supporting her finacially at college she can not. If she was to get one we would cut off funds. She has not gotten one based on that.

My dd 16 on the other hand plans to move out of the house when she turns 18 and I think the first thing she will do is get a tattoo... .they are so popular right now and her impulses are hard to control so I do see her getting one one day. She will have to live with it... .just like her hair color choices whish she is never happy with afterwards.

I think you are doing good crazed... .I try to stay consistant with dd... .I always get that funny feeling in my stomach when I don't... .although I would like to trust her so much more I really can't. Hopefully in time she will earn more trust but for now we keep a pretty close eye on her. She is doing better but we have a ways to go... .I hope things improve for you... .