Idea to get BPD parents to get therapy - looking for thoughts

[Waddams]

Background:  My fiance's uPDxh hasn't seen their kids in well over a year.  The kids are asking about him, when they might see him, etc.  He's also currently under supervisied visit orders.  He refuses to comply with the supervision order, and therefore, my fiance refuses to allow unsupervised visits per the court orders.  They're divorced, but all their orders are still temporary.  There is currently no final hearings scheduled, and no progress towards finalizing anything.  The case is currently stalled.

She's finally gotten into a stable enough position to begin pursuing finishing the case.  She's insistent on supervised visits until/unless uPDxh gets some therapy.  Their past is littered with DV cases in two states stretching back to the late 1990's, child services involvement, and other documentable incidents of his long term abuse.  While it's not my case and I maintain a boundary of only giving input when she asks for it and otherwise not involving myself, personally I agree with her insistence on the supervision.

At the same time, she's hoping to find a way to avoid the expense of trial prep. and a trial.  uPDxh won't agree to anything, and is generally obstructive and oppositional in every way he can be to finishing the case, as we're all experienced with here.  I've been through court twice w/ my own XW, and done quite well, and fiance asked me last night for some ideas/input.

So I was trying to think basically how to get him to agree a settlement that included him getting therapy, supervision for the visits, etc.  The idea I came up with is to present a settlement offer that includes provisions that due to the long estrangement between him and his children now, re-establishing a healthy relationship between the kids and their bio-dad be guided by a Reunification Therapist.  The therapist would perform and evaluation of the current circumstances, start with some form of supervised contact, guide that contact, help the kids and bio-dad re-establish a healthy relationship, then move to unsupervised day's out together on weekends, then move to unsupervised overnights at bio-dad's home.

They would progress to each step when approved by the T.

Now, I know that all kinds of monkey wrenches could thrown into this plan by uPDxh if/when he has his dysregulations.  What I'm really more interested in is presenting this in a way that does not reflect badly on him, but instead is more geared towards coming off to him as helpful and not blaming or accusing him of being some monster person.  Basically give him a way to save face.  And yet at the same time, also have the involvement a qualified T that can spot his dysfunction and document it during this process, and not allow the kids to be unsupervised with him until he's ready and safe for it.  

Basically, supervised visitation to protect the kiddos, but call it something different (like initial therapeutic reunification visitation or something) and present it differently so maybe he won't perceive it as an attack on himself.  Maybe even figure out how to present it to him as in his best interests too (not sure how to do that and successfully pull it off, but still thinking on it).

Anyone care to give thoughts?

[livednlearned]

Why is the dad not seeing the kids?

Also, is the point to reunite the kids with their dad, or is the point to get full custody without a trial?

[catnap]

In my son's case there were classes, drug tests that were requirements before supervised visitations could take place.  His exgf never followed through (daughter was 7 months at the time).  She is 3 now and doesn't have the memory of her mother, so not an issue.  A T suggested that she may have painted the baby black for siding with the Dad--irrational, of course.  Along with that, she may feel it is an admission she was wrong if she complied with the classes and drug testing.  She portrays the loss of custody as she was victimized by my son because he "stole the baby and the court believed his lies".

He might given the lapse of time he has interacted with the children and the face saving put on the supervision, but he seems focused on punishing his ex. 

[Waddams]

Why is the dad not seeing the kids?

It's a long story, but the cliff notes are:

-Fiance and her xPDxh divorce.  Lots of circumstances, but in a nut shell, she left with the clothes on her back and nothing else.  He got custody.  Essentially, she was an abused, broken down woman at the time, didn't think she could win anything, and acquiesced to a lot of FOG'ing and threats. She freely admits how wrong that kind of thinking was.

-uPDxh got very abusive with kids, and also constantly used them as a way to mess with her more.  For example, taking the kids out from the house when she was suppoed to pick them up for visitation.  Then telling the kids "mom said she wasn't coming... ." or "mom didn't show up", lots of alienation with the kids.  He was taking them hours early and coming back late, etc., essentially cutting off her parenting time.  Things escalated, he got physically abusive with the kids.  They told their mom during one of the times she managed to get them.

-She'd been out on her own for a while, and had managed to get a job, was supporting herself, and being successful.  She filed for temp emergency change of custody and got it.  He was put on supervised visitation.

-He's supposed to notify her where to exchange kids, and who is supervising.  Current orders allow a family member to supervise.  He never calls.  Sporadic contact from his L is all about her dropping the supervised visit orders.  He won't comply with the orders, so he never sees the kids. 

He never makes contact to set up a visit, nothing.  Well over a year now since the last time the kids saw him.  He only pays child support when she takes him in front of a judge and the judge says "stroke a check or go to jail".  She's done this 3 times in the last year to get him to pay. 

Also, is the point to reunite the kids with their dad, or is the point to get full custody without a trial?

Just based on my few interactions with him, what the kids have told me of their time on their own with him, and the documentation in the form of all the DV cases that anyone can find with google, my opinion this is about first getting final orders that award sole legal custody to their mother.  I think this guy is gonna be as absent as he can be in the future.  He's just not interested in his kids.

At the same time, the kids miss their dad.  I'd like to see them be able to have a healthy relationship with him one day, even if that's a pie in the sky kind of thought and not realistic, I think it's important to make sure their mom and I keep that door open for them.  They just won't have a healthy relationship with him unless he gets help. He's not currently capable of being a healthy father.  At least that's my opinion.

Any settlement has to give fiance the legal standing to move on and just take care of the kids without involvement from him, and provide a means that eliminates his ability to obstruct her in the future.  If she doesn't get him to agree to that, then I agree with her that she's got to take him court and get the judge to order it.

[Waddams]

He might given the lapse of time he has interacted with the children and the face saving put on the supervision, but he seems focused on punishing his ex. 

Exactly regarding the last part of your sentence.  At the same time, with the L's involved, he's also trying to seem like the victim similar to:

She portrays the loss of custody as she was victimized by my son because he "stole the baby and the court believed his lies".

If you repaint the intervention of a T from "fix a bad, abusive dad" to something that he might not perceive as saying anything bad about him, I'm wondering if he'll go for it.  Nobody can answer that for sure, obviously.  Just looking for opinions.

[Deb]

My dBPD sister was ordered to have supervised visitation after she tried to run down my BIL with my then 8 year old niece in the car. She was livid! It was HIS fault she tried to run him over as far as she was concerned. Also, she had snatched their child from daycare when she wasn't supposed to have her. Her response to the court order? To harrass him at work and tell him that if he did not allow her to visit unsupervised that she would get him fired. He tried to explain that he did not ask for supervised, but CPS and the judge ordered it, but she got him fired anyway. You cannot reason with disordered people. When my sister finally accepted that she could only see niece supervised, she had her new BF supervise, against the court order. Which is why the GAL gave my BIL full custody and her no overnights.

[Waddams]

You cannot reason with disordered people.

I fully agree.  I'm not trying to come up with a way to fix everything.  I'm basically trying to come up with a way to give him what he will perceive as his "escape route".  A settlement that he can sign that won't focus so much on him and his short comings regarding custody and visitation.  Allow him a way so that in his own mind he can sign it and feel like he got something, while fiance still gets what she needs for care of the kids.

I'm 99.999% certain, when the case is over, regardless of if it is settled, or a judge issues orders, etc. that this guy will disappear.  They'll see him when his family gets on him to get the kids so the kids can see their extended family on his side.  I've known them for 2+ years.  They've had 3 visits with their dad in that entire time.  Each time it was because of bigger family gatherings and some aunt or cousin prodded him about the kids.  We know this because they'd call fiance to initially complain she was obstructing their family access to the kids.  Each time, she responded that she'd be happy to send the kids for visits that comply with the temp orders, and their dad, accompanied by an aunt, would show up to get the kids for a day.

Other than, that, he's going to move on to more self-centered endeavors.