New Girlfriend and kids and BPD ex

[tts]

My uBPD ex and I have been divorced for two years now.  The separation and divorce were classic BPD nightmares and read like many stories here.  We have three kids together who have been through and continue to go to therapy.  Recently I have met a wonderful woman who has two kids about the same age as my younger two.  After months of dating we have finally decided to get the kids together and they really seem to enjoy each other. 

My questions is whether or not to inform the BPD ex about all this.  She knows I am dating, but not that we have gotten the kids together.  We all live in a small town and a chance meeting is inevitable.  My goal is to minimize the drama that I fully expect will come if the BPD ex walks into a restaurant to find my girlfriend and I enjoying a meal with all the kids together.  We had a close call tonight and I want to be proactive in protecting all the kids and my girlfriend.  Any thoughts?

[Matt]

Focus on preparing the kids - talk to them about what is going on and how it might affect them - listen to their perceptions and feelings about all this.

Don't reach out to your ex - what do you want from her?  Acceptance?  Approval?  Her opinions?  If you reach out to her, you'll be engaging and it's likely to make things worse.  It's none of her business, and it might not feel good to her - like you're rubbing her nose in it.

Minimize communication with her, and keep it focused on practical matters related to the kids, like drop-off times.  Your personal life is your concern.

[tts]

Thanks Matt.  I thought that by informing her I might give her a chance to process it all before she gets the kids back next week or runs into us all. 

I am not concerned about her approval or opinions beyond what she says to the kids.  Minimum contact has been my mantra for two years now.  I know you are right that engaging will very likely make things worse and if she feels like I am rubbing her nose in it then she is surely going to get ugly. 

I appreciate the advice.     

[Matt]

Well if there is a way to mention it, and then move on... .

I don't think you want to tell the kids, ":)on't tell your mom about gf."  So there is some randomness - you won't know exactly what they'll tell their mom, and when.  But it's not your job to control that, unless you think there is serious risk somehow.

[DreamGirl]

Has she dated someone new? What was the protocol? What was your reaction?

I've actually seen court orders that have it written in them how to handle it. 

You obviously care about this girlfriend. It's not fair to your relationship to be sneaking around like an affair. That wouldn't feel good to me (as the new girlfriend), it might even feel like her feelings were priority to mine. It's a place where resentment might start to build.

If contact is minimal, I don't know that there is an easy answer. 

What is your real fear here?

Just drama?

[hell0kitty]

a long time ago when my BF and I were first dating, when he decided that it was time for me to hang out with his child, he let his BPDex know because he thought it was the right thing to do to keep her in the loop.  That was the day that this 3 years of hell started for us.  She FREAKED out and that evening filed a false restraining order claiming a history of DV and has been claiming that since then. 

We were both flabbergasted at her massive over-reaction.  If I had a time machine I would have NEVER let him tell her.  It probably would have been way better if she just found out organically.  That really was the painting black/tipping point moment for us.

[Matt]

a long time ago when my BF and I were first dating, when he decided that it was time for me to hang out with his child, he let his BPDex know because he thought it was the right thing to do to keep her in the loop.  That was the day that this 3 years of hell started for us.  She FREAKED out and that evening filed a false restraining order claiming a history of DV and has been claiming that since then. 

We were both flabbergasted at her massive over-reaction.  If I had a time machine I would have NEVER let him tell her.  It probably would have been way better if she just found out organically.  That really was the painting black/tipping point moment for us.

Yeah but if you had done it the other way - don't tell her, let her find out "organically" - that might have worked out as bad, or even worse.

There's no way to predict or control how somebody with an untreated psych disorder will react to something... .

[tts]

Thanks Gang,

The new GF and I had a long and really productive and positive discussion about it all today.  She was feeling marginalized.  She read some of the articles on the homepage and we decided not to contact the ex.  We decided it is not her business as long as the kids are safe and healthy AND the probability of a bad reaction was very high without much chance of anything positive coming of it.  We are going to let it go organic and deal with it as it comes. 

The ex has dated and has involved my kids with several of her past boyfriends.  My reaction has been to make sure they feel safe with the new guy and be happy about it.  The more distracted the ex is the better.  I get many fewer texts and emails even though they get nastier when she is dating. 

I am going to talk to my kids and let them know that while I don't want them to lie, I do want them to know they have the right to say they don't feel comfortable talking about Dad's new GF. Ill let y'all know how this all plays out.  Thanks again!

[Matt]

It's good you and your girlfriend are on the same sheet of music on this.