reminders - triggers of missing and thinking about ex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I do not know whether it is a right place for this post. It is not about BPD, but rather about the way I handle the situation now.

There are certain things or places or other reminders that are strongly associated with my ex. Like for example people with his hair color and haircut, or certain songs, phrases, books, cities, etc.  - there are many examples - they bring back memories and remind me of him.  Because they remind me of him I become tensed for failing not to think about him so much as I do or feel irritated that I am confusing the here and now experience with the shadows from the past... .That I am lacking certain willpower. It is an ongoing fight within myself... I was wondering what are your strategies? So far as soon as I am confronted with any reminder/trigger that makes me miss him - I try not to avoid it and concentrate on the "now". Like for example if I see a person who vaguely reminds him, instead of turning my eyes - I will try to focus on that person, instead of memories.

But do I do it right? How to avoid bitter reminders that trigger memories and consequently thoughts about him? Or just let those all go without any control? How?

[happylogist]

I do not know whether it is a right place for this post. It is not about BPD, but rather about the way I handle the situation now.

There are certain things or places or other reminders that are strongly associated with my ex. Like for example people with his hair color and haircut, or certain songs, phrases, books, cities, etc.  - there are many examples - they bring back memories and remind me of him.  Because they remind me of him I become tensed for failing not to think about him so much as I do or feel irritated that I am confusing the here and now experience with the shadows from the past... .That I am lacking certain willpower. It is an ongoing fight within myself... I was wondering what are your strategies? So far as soon as I am confronted with any reminder/trigger that makes me miss him - I try not to avoid it and concentrate on the "now". Like for example if I see a person who vaguely reminds him, instead of turning my eyes - I will try to focus on that person, instead of memories.

But do I do it right? How to avoid bitter reminders that trigger memories and consequently thoughts about him? Or just let those all go without any control? How?

[Need2Know]

Hi Happylogist,

I have exactly the same problem. ;-)

I mainly dated my exBPDgf via Facebook, so it was an online long distance romance we had. After we broke up we unfriended each other on Facebook, but we still have some friends in common and I see her photo show up when she comments on their posts. Every time I see her photo or comments (without being prepared for it) it feels like being stabbed in the chest. I have thought of blocking her, but I cannot do that since I need to know practical stuff such as "Yes, I will come to that party!"

What I try to do is to calm down and try to look at her picture without being emotional or upset. (But it's hard I know: her picture still triggers me off.) It is a bit like cognitive psychology: try to accept and get used to difficult things or phobias. Perhaps you can find some hints if you search for how people treat their phobias (such snake phobia etc)?

[HarmKrakow]

This problem what you describe became so severe for me that I was diagnosed with PTSD.

And the worst triggers and traumatic events have been tackled with EMDR therapy.

The other triggers have been rewritten in my head by exercise...

Like?

Going to places which meant a lot to me with the ex but now go with a new person in my life.

Having sex with someone else again

Going out to the same place, with other people

Etc.

1. Tackling the really bad ones with EMDR

2. The other triggers, I rewrite them with a new memory so I simply forget the old one.

[Hazelrah]

Happylogist,

Like you, I am continually triggered by a litany of things (places, dates, songs, etc.).  In fact, I had a trigger this morning in that I heard the very song my BPDw and I walked down the aisle to on our wedding day. It was certainly not the way I wanted to start my day.

I've been involved in the early stages of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)--it differs from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in that it doesn't attempt to replace thoughts with new ones... .rather, it serves to accept and consequently defuse the feelings associated with the given thoughts.  Not an easy thing to do, but I'm working at it.  Mindfullness is another key portion of ACT, so I also try to bring myself back into the present moment when I'm triggered--it helps to lessen the grip of the past... .very slowly, I might add, but it is worth the effort.

[happylogist]

Hazelrah,

So in your case with the song how would it be? You say that yes, this was the song and I accept it and there is a song by itself and there is a song related experience? Do I understand it right? You continue listening to that song?

Need2Know,

I am not even that far as you are now. His picture is a definite trigger and I avoid those.  Maybe it is also difficult for me because I do have a certain animal phobia that I was never able to conquer fully even with the therapy

HarmKrkow,

I am really sorry you got to the point of being diagnosed with PTSD! It is still unbelievable how much hurt can BPD cause... .  Hope you are doing much better now!

Can you explain more that exercise of rewriting new memory? Just an example.

[HarmKrakow]

HarmKrkow,

I am really sorry you got to the point of being diagnosed with PTSD! It is still unbelievable how much hurt can BPD cause... .  Hope you are doing much better now!

Can you explain more that exercise of rewriting new memory? Just an example.

i got diagnosed with PTSD because the triggers (a song, a place, seeing a couple with a kid, seeing someone from the back who looks like her, our old house, etc) were so severe that I puked many times a day, my stomach turned 180 degrees upside down etc.

The exercise of rewriting the memory was to rewrite certain occasions, where you would attach a future dream on.

Like going to a theme park with my ex, and say in 5 years time, with the kids, we want to visit here because this place is awesome for kids! Now, the themepark is still awesome, however, going there is a immense sadness which triggers the thought not only of 'boo, it's over', but also the attachment to the feeling, I can never bring the kids here for example. Because in your head you feel you should have been there with the ex.

One way of rewriting that is simply by going there again, with friends who you made AFTER the break up (and possible 1/2 from before) and just have plain old fun! (It's a theme park for crying out loud). I'm basically deleting the memories which one time were special between her and me, and now when my head thinks of it, it thinks back of the last memory, the one with my friends(!).

To even a simple thing like, going out at the same station where I would walk towards my ex her house. Now hearing that station would turn my stomach and make me puke. Now I went there already with a few friends and the association/trigger to the crappy feeling is as good as gone.

[Hazelrah]

Happylogist,

Well first of all, I'll admit to having changed the radio station as soon as I could.  That might not fit in perfectly with ACT, as one of the things it tries to help us overcome is 'experiential avoidance', i.e., completely avoiding unpleasant thoughts/feelings.  But after shutting it off, I allowed myself to feel some pain without beating myself up over it.  I then attempted to lessen the impact of the song (thinking how melodramatic the music was, how silly the lyrics were, how I might have chosen a different tune if given the option, etc.) and visually disconnect it from the memory in my mind.  Again, not an easy thing to do, but I found some semblance of composure again, which likely wouldn't have been possible a short time ago.

[Ironmanrises]

I do not know whether it is a right place for this post. It is not about BPD, but rather about the way I handle the situation now.

There are certain things or places or other reminders that are strongly associated with my ex. Like for example people with his hair color and haircut, or certain songs, phrases, books, cities, etc.  - there are many examples - they bring back memories and remind me of him.  Because they remind me of him I become tensed for failing not to think about him so much as I do or feel irritated that I am confusing the here and now experience with the shadows from the past... .That I am lacking certain willpower. It is an ongoing fight within myself... I was wondering what are your strategies? So far as soon as I am confronted with any reminder/trigger that makes me miss him - I try not to avoid it and concentrate on the "now". Like for example if I see a person who vaguely reminds him, instead of turning my eyes - I will try to focus on that person, instead of memories.

But do I do it right? How to avoid bitter reminders that trigger memories and consequently thoughts about him? Or just let those all go without any control? How?

I am sorry Happy... .

That these reminders are so painful.

I know how you feel.

The memories... .

These reminders... .

Trigger... .

Overwhelm... .

Our senses.

I know exactly... .

How painful that is.

Beyond.

In bold.

There is no way to avoid it... .

Because then it becomes denial... .

Which is worse.

For me... .

My biggest trigger... .

Is this ipad mini... .

That my exUBPDgf... .

Got me as a surprise present... .

Personally engraved... .

With the words on the back... .

"Just because... .Ironmanfalls"... .

Every time i use it... .

I think of her... .

And my tears...

Return.

Every time.

I have seriously thought... .

About taking this gift... .

This trigger... .

And taking it to a secluded spot... .

Out here in Long Island... .

To literally... .

Bury it... .

In a shallow grave in the ground.

It wont delete the memory of her... .

But... .

Maybe the burial of it... .

Will sever... .

My minds link... .

To it... .

That my heart... .

Is linked to as well... .

Once and for all.

It hurts me too much... .

Every time i use this ipad.

[Need2Know]

Hi Hazelrah and Happylogist,

Yes, ACT can certainly be recommended! There is a book by Russ Harris, "ACT of love", that I have read and can recommend. In brief, ACT is about being committed to the one you love and try to maintain that relationship. The first love experience goes on from 1-3 years, and then the relationship takes another form. So Russ Harris' idea is that there is no point jumping from one relationship (that got cold after a few years) to a new one (that will also get cold in a few years). He thinks it's better to stay in the first relationship, in particular if there are kids involved. In my case that is certainly true, since I decided to stay with my wife (who does not suffer from BPD) and kids, instead of jumping to the exBPDgf (which I really loved at the time but would probably have ruined my life after a few months/years).

Hi HarmKrkow,

Jesus Christ, to get PTSD after a BPD relationship must be really horrible. In fact I have read about a guy who got ALS (or a similar deadly neurological disease) due to his BPD relationship; he is just trying to stay alive these days.

[Traumatized]

As I type these words I am sitting in a park which is dead center of my trigger zone.  After my therapy session, I've spent the whole afternoon going to all the places we used to hang out in. I was hoping to run into her, but it didn't happen. I am on the verge of bursting into tears right now in front of everyone. I just want to hear her voice say my name again; to see her beautiful face. The tears are now streaming down my face. I had to put my sunglasses on. I can barely contain myself. I'm about to completely lose it and embarass myself. This is too painful.

[HarmKrakow]

As I type these words I am sitting in a park which is dead center of my trigger zone.  After my therapy session, I've spent the whole afternoon going to all the places we used to hang out in. I was hoping to run into her, but it didn't happen. I am on the verge of bursting into tears right now in front of everyone. I just want to hear her voice say my name again; to see her beautiful face. The tears are now streaming down my face. I had to put my sunglasses on. I can barely contain myself. I'm about to completely lose it and embarass myself. This is too painful.

<HUG> Do that with friends. Not on your own. Go there, go to those places, with friends. You are now brutally torturing yourself my friend. Don't do that. Don't go in with that.

[Turkish]

As I type these words I am sitting in a park which is dead center of my trigger zone.  After my therapy session, I've spent the whole afternoon going to all the places we used to hang out in. I was hoping to run into her, but it didn't happen. I am on the verge of bursting into tears right now in front of everyone. I just want to hear her voice say my name again; to see her beautiful face. The tears are now streaming down my face. I had to put my sunglasses on. I can barely contain myself. I'm about to completely lose it and embarass myself. This is too painful.

It is perfectly ok. I find myself breaking down a bit every day, multiple times a day. At work, when I am with the kids (where I try to catch myself so I don't see), when I lay down in bed. She is still in our #$ house, so I see her every day. I was cooking yesterday and she came up and asked if I needed help, even touching my arm... .not in a recycling way (I would know that, we try not to touch each other as we pass by, though I SOO want to; I put that boundary in place two weeks ago), but just out of habit. It set me off after she walked out of the room. I am breaking down a bit at work reading what you wrote and writing this... .

I can never, ever let our children be the trigger. I love them so much. I was just thinking how it will be for our son when he gets older and she starts in on him. She loves him so much now, but her distrust of men will get the better of her when he gets older (I experienced that from my own mother once I hit puberty). I started thinking about how to talk to him about it, then I broke down in a private place at work. This is so hard... .* I hate her so much, but she is the mother of my children. Don't know now. Sorry to hijack... .

I guess the one good thing is that it was such a daddy/daughter relationship that I brought her into most of what I was into, not the other way around. I am me, and I keep things to me. But yeah, there are certain local parks or places I will not go to for a long, long time.

[Ironmanrises]

As I type these words I am sitting in a park which is dead center of my trigger zone.  After my therapy session, I've spent the whole afternoon going to all the places we used to hang out in. I was hoping to run into her, but it didn't happen. I am on the verge of bursting into tears right now in front of everyone. I just want to hear her voice say my name again; to see her beautiful face. The tears are now streaming down my face. I had to put my sunglasses on. I can barely contain myself. I'm about to completely lose it and embarass myself. This is too painful.

Get out of that trigger zone... .

For your sanity.

You need to heal... .

Before any exposure to that.

I am so sorry you are experiencing all of that.

We are here for you friend.

[Traumatized]

Thanks for your support everybody!  That spot I was in yesterday that triggered me has triggered me many times before.  I go there out of force of habit and because I have other things going on in the area.  It doesn’t matter who else I go there with.  My memories of the two of us spending time there are so firmly entrenched in my mind that they supersede any attempt to wipe them out.  I walk around with a ghost.

I’ve felt a lot of loneliness and sorrow on those park benches.  I’ve always fought hard not to embarrass myself by bursting into tears, but yesterday I lost that battle.  During the midst of my tears, I broke NC and texted her.  Even though she hasn’t responded, I feel good about doing it.  Yes, I gave her back the power, which sucks, but I got it out of my system.  The longest I’ve ever been without contacting her before was 14 days.  That was always my break point.  This time I made it 15 days, so I’m getting stronger .

In the text I did my best to validate her feelings before I said anything else.  I tried to word everything so perfectly based on the tools I’ve learned here.  Then after I sent the text I went to a book store and looked through a book about dealing with people with BPD.  One of the things I read said that you should never use the word “just” when communicating with them.  I rechecked the text I sent and discovered I had used the word “just” twice.  Aaaahhhh!  There are so many rules to follow!  If you make one mistake it’s like stepping on a land mine.  They have the license to say or do whatever they want without consequence, because they are sick, but one false move by you and you’re done.  It’s a lot of pressure!

[DownandOut]

This thread had me thinking about another thread here pertaining to whether or not our BPDs think about us. I, too, have many triggers that I have been facing head-on to try to confront and get past. However, I've asked myself if I thought she thought about me when those same songs came on, or if she was in a place that we used to go, etc. I know that when my uBPDexgf was recycling she mentioned that she thought about me every time she saw the car I used to drive when we were together in Round 1, but I'm cynical and I have my doubts? Is BPD so insidious and evil of a disease that the one-time love of our lives can completely block out any memory of who we are?

[Ironmanrises]

Thanks for your support everybody!  That spot I was in yesterday that triggered me has triggered me many times before.  I go there out of force of habit and because I have other things going on in the area.  It doesn’t matter who else I go there with.  My memories of the two of us spending time there are so firmly entrenched in my mind that they supersede any attempt to wipe them out.  I walk around with a ghost.

I’ve felt a lot of loneliness and sorrow on those park benches.  I’ve always fought hard not to embarrass myself by bursting into tears, but yesterday I lost that battle.  During the midst of my tears, I broke NC and texted her.  Even though she hasn’t responded, I feel good about doing it.  Yes, I gave her back the power, which sucks, but I got it out of my system.  The longest I’ve ever been without contacting her before was 14 days.  That was always my break point.  This time I made it 15 days, so I’m getting stronger .

In the text I did my best to validate her feelings before I said anything else.  I tried to word everything so perfectly based on the tools I’ve learned here.  Then after I sent the text I went to a book store and looked through a book about dealing with people with BPD.  One of the things I read said that you should never use the word “just” when communicating with them.  I rechecked the text I sent and discovered I had used the word “just” twice.  Aaaahhhh!  There are so many rules to follow!  If you make one mistake it’s like stepping on a land mine.  They have the license to say or do whatever they want without consequence, because they are sick, but one false move by you and you’re done.  It’s a lot of pressure!

In bold.

One day... .

Attaches to the next... .

And soon enough... .

You will be at 3 weeks NC... .

Then a month... .

And so on.

Stay NC.

You need to heal.

We are here for you.

[happylogist]

This thread had me thinking about another thread here pertaining to whether or not our BPDs think about us. I, too, have many triggers that I have been facing head-on to try to confront and get past. However, I've asked myself if I thought she thought about me when those same songs came on, or if she was in a place that we used to go, etc. I know that when my uBPDexgf was recycling she mentioned that she thought about me every time she saw the car I used to drive when we were together in Round 1, but I'm cynical and I have my doubts? Is BPD so insidious and evil of a disease that the one-time love of our lives can completely block out any memory of who we are?

WOW! It was just like reading my thoughts. Today I woke up during the night, remembered him, fell asleep.  In the morning I was thinking the same your thoughts, that maybe he was thinking about me and this is all telepathic.  Am I becoming a person who believes in superstitions and checks horoscopes and calls physics?   Well, I guess, I am too desperate to find answers and I am obsessed with thinking about him and anything can be a trigger. Doubt that he thinks about me as much as I do... .

[happylogist]

HarmKrkow, Need2Know and Hazelrah,

Thank you for your explanations! I am trying to do those. Certainly I found avoidance after exposure a bigger trigger instead of calmly focusing on the experience and disassociating from the past, either by rewriting the story or by rationalizing and accepting. Rewriting for me is more difficult.  Also maybe acceptance is not right, because I rationalize a lot. It is difficult and bumpy

[Blade99d]

I have been struggling with triggers since our split months ago.  I see her type of car... .bam, last night i saw a woman with her purse... .bam.  I see someone with the same pullover she gave me... .bam.  You get the idea... .i so want this to end, but I think it will continue, until I get another woman in my life.  Sometimes it feels like swimming in quicksand, going nowhere.  This relationship has been unlike anything I have ever experienced before, and as much as I want her to contact me, I know it would be a tremendous setback to the work ive done on myself since May. 

[Turkish]

I have been struggling with triggers since our split months ago.  I see her type of car... .bam, last night i saw a woman with her purse... .bam.  I see someone with the same pullover she gave me... .bam.  You get the idea... .i so want this to end, but I think it will continue, until I get another woman in my life.  Sometimes it feels like swimming in quicksand, going nowhere.  This relationship has been unlike anything I have ever experienced before, and as much as I want her to contact me, I know it would be a tremendous setback to the work ive done on myself since May. 

See above highlight... .be careful to not replace your pain and emptiness with someone else. We know from experience that this is what was done to us. That being said, I know what you're saying... .I'm already turning it over in my mind, "how will it go or even start the next time?"

[Blade99d]

No doubt Turkish.  What I should have said was getting into a healthy relationship.  I realize from working with my T, i have never had a healthy relationship, and I accept a lot of abuse that I should not.  It is pretty striking, in that most of our BPD exes share traits, and i bet if us nons got in a room together, there would be a lot of shared traits between us as well. 

[Turkish]

No doubt Turkish.  What I should have said was getting into a healthy relationship.  I realize from working with my T, i have never had a healthy relationship, and I accept a lot of abuse that I should not.  It is pretty striking, in that most of our BPD exes share traits, and i bet if us nons got in a room together, there would be a lot of shared traits between us as well. 

Me neither, though this was my first "real" relationship. My therapist keeps listing my good qualities and listing the so many billion women on the planet. I'm bound to find ONE. He then asked me if I had ever been "in love." I need to explore ME more, because we usually spend most of the time updating him on what's going on with us/her. I really need to get her out of the house :^(

[happylogist]

You get the idea... .i so want this to end, but I think it will continue, until I get another woman in my life. 

Why do you think another woman will stop it?