I think she sets me up to fail

[Cipher13]

This is carried over from "Its either she goes or I get a new job".

Last night had a pretty possitive converstion last night. We were able to talk about what has been happening the last several weeks/months openingly and without loud yelling or argueing. Sat down and had a converstion. Afterwords I went to bed feeling better about the relationship and the track it was about to go on.

I think she set me up to fail. She acknowldges she can not bring herself to beilev anythign i say or do unless she can physically see it. And that she gets angry when I am not validting and sending her an over abundance of emtional love. Not with words (again she does nto beleive them)  but with physically seeing it in my texts and in my actions. I explained I can attempt to do those things but know that there will be times when I might not be able to. Not on purpose but unintended. She was hesitant but did finally acknowldge that.

We got to bed and thats when she went from understanding to "I'm mad at you" Holy crap what now. I forgot to mention the weddign ring that was on the dresser. She left it there for me to see. Then I was supposed to be all upset she wasn't wearing it and fall over emotionally to her. Fill her full of loving empotions and say sweet nothings and beg her to put it back on.

I did notice it earlier on the dresser but during the wonderful converstion I was not thinking of the ring. Apprently thats rude and ignorant of me to forget about that.  SET UP FOR FAILURE. 

[popeye6031]

You did the right thing by not mentioning the ring as it would have only started another argument.  As you said, you were set up to fail/  Either way, an argument was going to happen.  I sense that there is some acknowledgement in her, even if she does not admit it, that she is sensing you are at a "had enough" point.  I might be wrong but just from what you say about her seeming to be more calm.

[Waddams]

Yeah, game on for not responding to the ring setup.  In the future don't respond to that kind of manipulation either. 

The setup to fail is pretty common.  I experienced similar things too.  They put you in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario as a way to keep you confused and walking on eggshells.  It's ultimately another piece in their toolbox of control tricks.  I got so I just wouldn't respond to it.  I'd let her deal with whatever it was she was doing and go to the gym, aikido practice, or a walk on a local greenway.  Learning to recognize the traps they set is key to surviving life with a BPD.  The walking on eggshells is no way to live.

[Cipher13]

It amazing how much more I can see now. Example she has an interview tomorrow. Asked me to go. I have a major commitment durnign the day that might take me past my normal quitting time if it runs into problems. I don't foresee any but I mentioned to her that I am the person responsibel to fix them if they arise. She is trying to tell me I need to move this along sooner in the day so I am not late. Then says move it for today so I don't have to worry about being late.  She is trying to manipulate a my job and my company around her interview... .I would have missed this obvious ploy before.

[Waddams]

She is trying to manipulate a my job and my company around her interview... .I would have missed this obvious ploy before.

Well, I think she's trying to manipulate you.  In this case, it's just specifically your job commitment that she's targeting.  I noticed my xBPD would pull anything to separate me from any other commitments I had, seemingly without rhyme or reason.  One day I figured out she just genuinely believed that if she didn't feel first in every way and moment of my life, she felt like she was nothing.  Extreme black and white thinking.  She didn't realize me working overtime to finish a tough project that came up with a severe time crunch ACTUALLY WAS taking care of her.  In doing a good job at work, I ensured continued employment, good reputation in the professional community, better future opportunities, which all would translate to building a better life for my family.  All she could see was what was in the present moment, and had not vision at all for the future. 

Is there a reason she wants you at her interview?  Sometimes even BPD's have bonafide, reasonable needs that we should meet.  Lots of times actually.

[Cipher13]

One day I figured out she just genuinely believed that if she didn't feel first in every way and moment of my life, she felt like she was nothing.

AMEN in high. She has said this exact thing to me.

She didn't realize me working overtime to finish a tough project that came up with a severe time crunch ACTUALLY WAS taking care of her.  In doing a good job at work, I ensured continued employment, good reputation in the professional community, better future opportunities, which all would translate to building a better life for my family

I also tried to explain this. It doesn't fit how she feels so I am wrong.

Is there a reason she wants you at her interview?

No nothing specific. I have gone before for moral support. I can not think of any reason I need to be there for her other than to show support physically. Which bringst me to my thought as to the real reason... .She need to make sure she know swhere I am and what I am doing. Just last night. We were inthe midle of the good conversion and she says " I just got mad at you all of a sudden for what I am thinking. I know whay I always say I wanto you to hang out with me and need you to be around me constantly at home. I don't trust you for a second if I can't keep my eyes on you."  So i think that is part of her wanting me to go. We have never done anything separate like she goes to her parents while i stay home or go some place else. Its always been together or we go no where together. Work is the onl;y thing that separates us. 

[Waddams]

I don't trust you for a second if I can't keep my eyes on you.

It's got to be very hard on anyone that genuinely feels like this.  At the same time, it is her emotion and feeling, not yours.  She has this deep seated fear of being abandoned, losing you, etc.  She asking you to take care of her fear for her by always being with her, that way she never has to face her own fear.  It's a way by which she is trying to make you responsible for her how she feels.  What she's really saying is "I'm scared!  Save me from feeling it!"

The thing is, you never have been and never will be responsible for her emotions and feelings.  The only way it gets better is if she faces her own fears in this regard, and she can't do it if you keep going along with things like this.

[popeye6031]

I am not entirely sure that she does not trust you at all.  From what you have said, you have not given her any reason to have no trust.  She has used something you did years ago, and it was not even bad, as her excuse to keep you in line.  The demand to attend her interview is just another little push to see what you will do for her. 

And if you do not meet this demand, another argument will ensue.  I go through lots of push/pull cycles, like every few days but it sounds like you are not getting any pulls, it is all push and one demand after another.

Keep doing what you have been doing the last few days.  It seems to be working but you must keep it up.

[Cipher13]

The only way I can tell its working is that she is pushing back twice as hard. She knows something has been different. She has even traced it back to when I first began to use the tools on this site. She is now demanding to knwo where i got these ideas and why I am choosig them as they are cruel and mean. She thinks it was from the T I saw a few time back in June/July.  It wasn't but he helped me with keeping mew on the right track. Like people on this site.

Its the ultimate conflict to achieve balance. I am seaking to get me back to a healthy and mentally fit person. She is a mentally unfit person trying to get me to go back to the submissive door mat that I was when we met.  the balance of power shifts and her control lessens she can only resort to what she knows has worked in the past each time getting more and more desparate as she retains less and less control.  The example i came up with is liek that of a dictator. They have control and are happy. They loose soem control they react to get it back by fear, anger, and harm. The more control they loose over those that are gaining there own control over themselves the harsher the response.  Until the dictator is at the last ditch effort to regain and shred of control. They because irrationally desparate and make a last stand. The result is no dictoator or no subject to control.   Maybe thats not accurate but it seems that something ends up happening when you challenge the power holder fo rthe control they have to live on to feel normal.

[Waddams]

She is now demanding to know where i got these ideas and why I am choosig them as they are cruel and mean.

That's some serious de ja vu there for me.  I started seeing my T, and found this site after a discussion of BPD in a session.  I started learning and putting lessons into practice.  I was told I was being cruel and mean as well in the aftermath.  I specifically remember her saying one night "You're being coached!  Who is it?  Where is this coming from?  I demand to know!"  Looking back, she'd been in T a lot herself in the past, and I think she recognized the mark of some professional help. 

When she found out I was seeing a T, she literally tried to block me from continuing.  First it was she wanted to go to the sessions, then I shouldn't go, instead I should spend time working on it all with her because she'd been through T and already knew all the techniques, etc.  Then it was just plain raging that she didn't want me to go because the T hated her.

In the end, she wanted me isolated for her control, and the more that isolation broke down, the crazier she got.

[Grey Kitty]

We were inthe midle of the good conversion and she says " I just got mad at you all of a sudden for what I am thinking. I know whay I always say I wanto you to hang out with me and need you to be around me constantly at home. I don't trust you for a second if I can't keep my eyes on you."

This is tough, but it sounds like a bit of a good sign--there is some self-awareness on her part about this.

There is also a chance for you to validate her feelings--she is afraid of what you will do when you are out of her sight. Remember, if you tell her that you won't do anything in appropriate/untrustworthy, you are invalidating her fear rather than reassuring her.

It also sounds like she very rapidly spools up to full blown dysregualtion, at which point validation won't help.

We have never done anything separate like she goes to her parents while i stay home or go some place else. Its always been together or we go no where together. Work is the onl;y thing that separates us. 

Your r/s will be more healthy if you both do at least something without the other now and again!

However I'm going to recommend you pick your battles on this one--start by being firm on protecting your career and work time from her when she pulls things like this. After you are comfortable and confident with this, start looking for something else that is yours alone.

The only way I can tell its working is that she is pushing back twice as hard. She knows something has been different. She has even traced it back to when I first began to use the tools on this site. She is now demanding to knwo where i got these ideas and why I am choosig them as they are cruel and mean. She thinks it was from the T I saw a few time back in June/July.  It wasn't but he helped me with keeping mew on the right track. Like people on this site.

Actually, this site is yours, completely apart from her! Don't let her take that away from you... .or find you here, or tell her what you are doing. Just keep on doing it.

Don't get sucked in by her statements that your new ideas/tools are mean and cruel. They aren't, but they are very hard. Hard for you to do. And you are taking away her emotional crutch (beating you up) and forcing her to use some new emotional muscles if she wants to stand up, or fall down otherwise. That is very tough, and it is not easy for her. She absolutely isn't liking the process, even if later she decides she likes the result. But I'm gonna be harsh, and say it doesn't matter if she likes the result 'cuz I know that you will like it.

Hang in there!

 GK

[Cipher13]

But I'm gonna be harsh, and say it doesn't matter if she likes the result 'cuz I know that you will like it.

That wasn't harsh. I will tell you what i have told others I have asked fo radvice or have provided advice. Be real. Be honest. And most of all do no sugar coat anything. Just be blunt. Here is why. I already am thinking along the same lines more than likely. When I see that type of opinion I know that I am on the right track. I am validated. It actaully keeps me mentall sane and fit. I see that and say yup I was thinking that and I know that that thought is a true and real feeling. It gives me strenght to contiue.  So thank you for "harsh". Its real and honest. Thats important.

She has asked me to write about this "new found me" and where it came form and how to get rid of it. I know she reads what I write becasue she sometimes makes comments.  Yesterday Was yet another difficult thing for my mind to grasp. She had an after hours work function that she was at and I said I would stop by and bring some hot chocolate because it was a cold day. I had also previously said I planned on writing in the journal. Well we got home and had dinner and went to bed and then preceded to tell me she is upset with me yet again. I didn't follow through with my promis to write and had no intention of doing so.

With a full clear head and not being as tired as I was maybe I could have handled the situation differently. Instead I caved and acespted every single un stable thing she mentioned. It did make sense but its the same old same old every day problem.  And the same old this is why i can't trust you and making it out to be that I for got she was a living breathing person practically.

It might be time to write about my feelings and not care if she reads them instead of me thinking how she wants me to write about in there. She won't like and quite frankly maybe its time to have the knock down drag out final battle for the heart and mind.

[Cipher13]

I am havinga hard time with a specif topic uBPDw is talkign about. She is  saying that becasue i said that I have thought about divorce as a result of us not working out the probems we are going through that it is really the result I am going for. Becasue i even thought that divorce is a possible outcome she says "To even consider it possible is a HUGE problem!  You cannot come to someone with a heart or place of love and compassion if that is a very real and viable option to consider."

I know I might not win this conversation but how can I not? I am tryign to tell her it is a result of exhausting all other options and somethign to avoid unless there are no other possibilites.

Its not getting through. All I get back is you though divorce so you want divorce.

[Waddams]

It's her extreme black and white thinking.  She's not going to listen to anything else.  One of my biggest breakthroughs in dealing with a BPD was to stop trying to explain when they were misinterpreting something I said.  Sometimes, I also think they do it on purpose, understand the difference we are explaining, but don't care.  They do what they do not as a means of honest conflict resolution but instead as manipulation to get us to back off and acquiesce to their control again.

[Grey Kitty]

Keep it simple.

Say you don't want a divorce. (Assuming that is true)

Then disengage from the conversation if she tries to take you in circles about it.

Say you don't want a divorce, and don't want a fight about talking about it either.

[Cipher13]

I have also found its not just the word divorce that I am dealing with. She can just blurt out "I am lonely, or sad or feel neglected." Right after a time where we are having a lot of positive interaction and have moved to less constant interaction. Example yesterday spent a lazy morning together just talking and looking at this and that online. Then later wen to watch a little TV together. Still interacting now just not as constant. Now I am neglecting and she is feeling unconnected to me. Started an arguement because I couldn't undersatand how that happend. If i totally was doing it on purpose then maybe.

That kind of thing is getting more and more frequent. And I have been trying to be more away of it. I can't stop it and I can't amend it after the fact because if she brings it up then any and all attempts to connect deeper results in "I shouldn't have to say anything about it. You should just do it. Because I had to tell you to do it then its fake."

[LifeIsBeautiful]

It's the same scenario for me too. I am in real situation of losing my job, being away from work, and lately not been able to concentrate or function at all. It's been a struggle pulling it together, don't think my boss can be understanding for much more. We get sucked into their emotions and feelings, it isn't pleasant mostly, and we have to try to snap out of it and function like normal. When we try to detach from their emotions, they try all means to pull us back. Having to put on different hats, takes a lot of energy. I'm trying to, at this point it's all uphill. I think what's happening, is their fear (very very real to them) of abandonment and if we spend more time at work, eventually we will leave them (black or white). Trying to convince her that this won't happen, was futile for me. I made a choice and at some point in the crisis, I made a choice and had to give up something. I've been reading the resource on S.E.T, it seems logical and worth trying. Before telling them the truth (why work is important for the r/s), we need to sympathize with their emotions, support them, and empathize (not judge). Not defending ourselves, because they won't accept it anyway. But not encouraging their rages or outbursts. Wish me luck.

I have also found its not just the word divorce that I am dealing with. She can just blurt out "I am lonely, or sad or feel neglected." Right after a time where we are having a lot of positive interaction and have moved to less constant interaction. Example yesterday spent a lazy morning together just talking and looking at this and that online. Then later wen to watch a little TV together. Still interacting now just not as constant. Now I am neglecting and she is feeling unconnected to me. Started an arguement because I couldn't undersatand how that happend. If i totally was doing it on purpose then maybe.

That kind of thing is getting more and more frequent. And I have been trying to be more away of it. I can't stop it and I can't amend it after the fact because if she brings it up then any and all attempts to connect deeper results in "I shouldn't have to say anything about it. You should just do it. Because I had to tell you to do it then its fake."

[Grey Kitty]

I have also found its not just the word divorce that I am dealing with. She can just blurt out "I am lonely, or sad or feel neglected." Right after a time where we are having a lot of positive interaction and have moved to less constant interaction. Example yesterday spent a lazy morning together just talking and looking at this and that online. Then later wen to watch a little TV together. Still interacting now just not as constant. Now I am neglecting and she is feeling unconnected to me. Started an arguement because I couldn't undersatand how that happend. If i totally was doing it on purpose then maybe.

Work on what validation you can do, and especially avoiding being INvalidating here.

If she feels neglected, that feeling is real. Try to validate how it must hurt to feel neglected.

If at that point you tell her that you aren't neglecting her, this invalidates her feelings. I am sure you weren't trying to neglect her; Perhaps you weren't even neglecting her at all. (JADE'ing aka Justifying, Arguing, Defending, or Explaining is always invalidating, and isn't helpful)

It isn't fair at all; it is what works. Validating her feelings helps. Invalidating her feelings doesn't work. Understanding that her feelings are not your facts or your reality is the tool that helps you manage it.

Sorry that it is going like this!

 GK

[Cipher13]

If she feels neglected, that feeling is real. Try to validate how it must hurt to feel neglected.

I am sure I need to find a different appraoch to what I say and how I validate. The probelm is that by saying "I know it must feel frustrating to feel neglected." Or what other methds I try in thsi combination. She has picked it apart. sayin gyou don't know anythign about how I feel or where did you learn that crap or just pour right mock what I say. 

Hada good day yesterday and trying to bulid from there. If I can peice alot of these together I am can learn whats working and what isn't. I have even seen a change yesterday in how she responded to me. We had talked about if I do something she thinks is mean or negleckful to try to use a nicer tone to point out her feelings. Then give me time to respond ina way thatI can understand where she is coming from. Other wise its I do something I have no idea is wrong, then she explodes and then I am angry that she explodes and I becoem defensive and wait out the storm.   

[allibaba]

Honestly Cipher you sound like you have made HUGE strides in such a short period of time.  Good for you man!

Don't worry about if you try to validate and she picks it apart.  Read as much as you can on validation and then do your best and move on.

Don't try to validate when she's dyregulated - it will never work.  The time to work on validation is before dyregulation.

But I'm gonna be harsh, and say it doesn't matter if she likes the result 'cuz I know that you will like it.

That wasn't harsh. I will tell you what i have told others I have asked fo radvice or have provided advice. Be real. Be honest. And most of all do no sugar coat anything. Just be blunt. Here is why. I already am thinking along the same lines more than likely. When I see that type of opinion I know that I am on the right track. I am validated. It actaully keeps me mentall sane and fit. I see that and say yup I was thinking that and I know that that thought is a true and real feeling. It gives me strenght to contiue.  So thank you for "harsh". Its real and honest. Thats important.

Good for you!  Good for you!

She has asked me to write about this "new found me" and where it came form and how to get rid of it. I know she reads what I write becasue she sometimes makes comments. 

It might be time to write about my feelings and not care if she reads them instead of me thinking how she wants me to write about in there. She won't like and quite frankly maybe its time to have the knock down drag out final battle for the heart and mind.

Cipher, How did this writing in a journal thing start?  Why is it her business what you write in it?  It sounds like she uses this tool to manipulate you.  If you want to write - fine.  But shouldn't that be private.

With a full clear head and not being as tired as I was maybe I could have handled the situation differently. Instead I caved and acespted every single un stable thing she mentioned. It did make sense but its the same old same old every day problem.  And the same old this is why i can't trust you and making it out to be that I for got she was a living breathing person practically.

Don't worry about it!  You are going to make so many mistakes along the way.  Just remember that consistent boundary enforcement is the most effective - otherwise you are essentially teaching her that how she behaves is ok. 

I think that you are so amazing.  I am proud to watch you on this journey!

[Cipher13]

I was begining to think this wasn't going to ever work at all.  Glad to know it can be seen even to me. Still a huge ways to go yet. I had some co-workers ask to join it a hockey game. I mentioned it to her and she said no. She wasn't ready to put her feeling out there to trust that soon.  Not 100% sure I wanted to but would have been nice to know she didn't still feel the need to control me.

Cipher, How did this writing in a journal thing start?  Why is it her business what you write in it?  It sounds like she uses this tool to manipulate you.  If you want to write - fine.  But shouldn't that be private.

The journal thing was a suggestion from T for me to put down so thoughts. I knew she would read it so I have to montor that to. Actually I have found a way to use it to my advantage from time to time. I can be open to a dgree yet still be able to have my own thoughts. I agree should be and was intendent by T to be priviate and to share on my terms. But nothing is kept secret or its suspect behavior at best.


Hoping this continues. We shall see. I have a few things coming up that might add conflict to this with having to go on a work trip. (She is able to go) And also now having to cancel vacation becasue she used hers up to join me for the trip. I have 10 vacation days let to use and she has zero.  I can't bank them so I loose them.

[allibaba]

I have 10 vacation days let to use and she has zero.  I can't bank them so I loose them.

Why don't you take some time off for yourself Cipher?  Its crazy to lose vacation.  I don't think that your wife has the right to tell you that you can't take time off because she doesn't have any!  You don't have to go on a trip just stay home and do "stuff."

What do you want to do?

[allibaba]

I was begining to think this wasn't going to ever work at all.  Glad to know it can be seen even to me. Still a huge ways to go yet. I had some co-workers ask to join it a hockey game. I mentioned it to her and she said no. She wasn't ready to put her feeling out there to trust that soon.  Not 100% sure I wanted to but would have been nice to know she didn't still feel the need to control me.

Ha ha.  You're expecting too much out of her too soon! 

Is there a smaller outing that you can do?  By asking her permission you are telling her that she has the authority to say NO.  You don't need to ask permission from her to have a life you know  

I got asked by some friends to go to the movies last week.  I decided that it was too last minute for me.  Told my husband about it and said, 'I'm going to tell them NO, because we have a busy weekend planned.'  I never asked him for permission to go.  I don't generally.  I'll say, "I haven't been out for a while and I'd love to do X.  Does that conflict with any other family plans?"  It gets his input without telling him that its ok to control me.

[Cipher13]

Ha ha.  You're expecting too much out of her too soon! 

Is there a smaller outing that you can do?  By asking her permission you are telling her that she has the authority to say NO.  You don't need to ask permission from her to have a life you know   

I know it was but I was just checkig. I could have asked or mentioned it differently.

Vacation I can not take a day off wthout her. She won't let me have a day to myself. She said (joking I think) if I take a day off I can spend the day at her work.

[Grey Kitty]

You get to choose whether you take vacation days or not, especially if she cannot take vacation with you.

Cipher13, it will help you more than you can imagine to have separate time from her.

Having a journal that is for you, and is not shared with her, preferably one that she cannot find and read would be something like this too.

However it will trigger her; it is up to you to pick your battles.

My recommendation is to figure out how you can use boundaries to protect yourself from her rages and attacks. How are you doing that?

Hang in there and stay strong!

 GK

[allibaba]

Cipher13, it will help you more than you can imagine to have separate time from her.

I CONCUR.  You are starting to feel the benefits of the work that you are doing on your relationship.  If you find ways to get away and take care of yourself the feeling compounds greatly.

Like I said before... .you are doing great.  Maybe you could take those days off and do some work around the house.  If she goes nutty about that then SO BE IT.  I'm sure that you would love to have some time alone to read/ watch movies or something else?

[SeekerofTruth]

Exceptional

The setup to fail is pretty common.  I experienced similar things too.  They put you in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario as a way to keep you confused and walking on eggshells.  It's ultimately another piece in their toolbox of control tricks.  I got so I just wouldn't respond to it.  I'd let her deal with whatever it was she was doing and go to the gym, aikido practice, or a walk on a local greenway.  Learning to recognize the traps they set is key to surviving life with a BPD.  The walking on eggshells is no way to live.

see... .and that's the part i struggle with in asking myself is she doing this consciously or nonconsciously... .maybe it really doesn't matter... .

  She is trying to manipulate a my job and my company around her interview... .I would have missed this obvious ploy before.

Well, I think she's trying to manipulate you.  In this case, it's just specifically your job commitment that she's targeting.

I COULDN'T AGREE MORE (and yet am still hoping... .)

It's her extreme black and white thinking.  She's not going to listen to anything else.  One of my biggest breakthroughs in dealing with a BPD was to stop trying to explain when they were misinterpreting something I said.  Sometimes, I also think they do it on purpose, understand the difference we are explaining, but don't care.  They do what they do not as a means of honest conflict resolution but instead as manipulation to get us to back off and acquiesce to their control again.

[Cipher13]

Cipher13, it will help you more than you can imagine to have separate time from her.

I could not agree more on this topic. I have even tried to bring it up before with horrible results. She can't understand how I can even want to spend a second apart from her. She equates that to not loving her and being selfish. Really this is all I need to help refresh my inner self and my mind. 

This has made some progress and some positive turns. So my question is this. When things are seemingly  going ok and making soem progress how much is too much before you stress out the BPD from the possitive behavior to back into the negative.  I have be letting her know how much I really appriciate the new possitive attitude and way of communicating we both have made changes to. 

I think if I can contiue to show her that having this typ of mindset in turns makes mine better and I end up being more connected and loving to her. She feels less "ignored" or "neglected".  Then is she starts to push the envelope and can see that I start to move back into the "ignored" kind of mood then eventually over time she can see what mood she needs to be in to get the feelings from me she is wanting.  Make her control the outcome more with her own actions and reactions to things.

[allibaba]

Cipher13, it will help you more than you can imagine to have separate time from her.

I could not agree more on this topic. I have even tried to bring it up before with horrible results. She can't understand how I can even want to spend a second apart from her. She equates that to not loving her and being selfish. Really this is all I need to help refresh my inner self and my mind. 

Cipher... .you don't ask for permission here.  Don't even bring it up because it will be a trigger.  Just start devising ways to create some time for yourself.

When things are seemingly  going ok and making soem progress how much is too much before you stress out the BPD from the possitive behavior to back into the negative.  I have be letting her know how much I really appriciate the new possitive attitude and way of communicating we both have made changes to. 

I think if I can contiue to show her that having this typ of mindset in turns makes mine better and I end up being more connected and loving to her. She feels less "ignored" or "neglected".  Then is she starts to push the envelope and can see that I start to move back into the "ignored" kind of mood then eventually over time she can see what mood she needs to be in to get the feelings from me she is wanting.  Make her control the outcome more with her own actions and reactions to things.

She's going to go back and forth between being 'better' and 'dyregulated' no matter what you do.  Stay your course and don't worry about stressing out her BPD.  Just be kind and loving but firm and strong in your boundary enforcement.  'keep your side of the street clean' at all times and don't feel bad when your 'appropriate' actions cause her to dyregulate.  The mystery of this disease keeps us walking on eggshells believing that we control more than we do.

[Cipher13]

I agree but I'm not sure how to discuss this yet. I am still new at this and I want to contiue to be successful and not fall into a rut due to a BPD out break of dysregulation.  Besides with how the situation is set up I would practically be confined to being at home with little to nothing to do. I maybe could come up with a house project. Maybe thats how I can leverage this. That way she can see progress and know that is what I am doing. Not whatever it is her head creates.