Is this interference...

[kepp81]

I'm currently struggling through divorce with my ustbxw. We have two kids and for a lot of reasons a custody order was never filed (trial is less than a month away). I've been trying for the couple months to get a regular visitation schedule into place where we both have equal parenting time. She regularly ignores my emails about the kids, and about any visitation time with me. The only time I see them is when I pick them up while she is ay work during the day. The first weekend I had the kids with me, she comes pounding on my door with her dad, demanding to have the kids returned. She called the police when I said no. Since there's mo court order the police allowed the kids to stay with me. The following Monday (informally my day) she shows up unannounced at my work (kids were waiting for the babysitter for a ride) and again demands the kids. She had to be physically removed from trying to enter the back door by my two co-workers while I protected my two year old. The police were called for a second time, and I was allowed to keep custody of the one child she couldn't get away from me. In the meantime I've recieved two emails berating me for "demanding to spend time with the kids".

My question is: how bad does this look for her? There's no legally binding agreement, but I have emails where she says she doesn't agree to any schedule, that I shouldn't keep the kids away from her, and that I'm forcing this schedule on her. Will the court see this and deny her sole physical custody (that's what she's asking for).

Any thought or advice is greatly appreciated.

[ForeverDad]

The court may very well ignore much of this conflict unless you make the conflict and obstruction a central issue with the parenting.

Can you get copies of those police reports and bring them with you to the hearings?  Also bring all copies of emails and texts that demonstrate she's been obstructing your parenting.  However, court may view much of what is said and claimed - especially if unsubstantiated by reports, logs, journals, etc with specific dates, times, locations, people involved, etc - as he-said / she-said hearsay.  "He always... ." and "She always... ." maybe heard but then ignored for vagueness and lack of substantiation.  So when you speak or make motions, include the specifics.

Letters or affidavits from witnesses may not be acceptable if they aren't present at the hearing, as my lawyer said, you can't cross-examine a piece of paper.

I've been trying for the couple months to get a regular visitation schedule into place where we both have equal parenting time. She regularly ignores my emails about the kids, and about any visitation time with me. The only time I see them is when I pick them up while she is ay work during the day. The first weekend I had the kids with me, she comes pounding on my door with her dad, demanding to have the kids returned. She called the police when I said no. Since there's mo court order the police allowed the kids to stay with me. The following Monday (informally my day) she shows up unannounced at my work (kids were waiting for the babysitter for a ride) and again demands the kids. She had to be physically removed from trying to enter the back door by my two co-workers while I protected my two year old. The police were called for a second time, and I was allowed to keep custody of the one child she couldn't get away from me. In the meantime I've received two emails berating me for "demanding to spend time with the kids".

My question is: how bad does this look for her? There's no legally binding agreement, but I have emails where she says she doesn't agree to any schedule, that I shouldn't keep the kids away from her, and that I'm forcing this schedule on her. Will the court see this and deny her sole physical custody (that's what she's asking for).

1)  Police often will refuse to step in since there is no written court order as yet.  Without that, they try to play the referee to defuse the current incident.  (And sometimes that's by carting away the person of the male gender.  Beware!)  I was unable to retrieve my child during during a 3 month period without orders because I worked, our child was not yet in school, she didn't work a regular job and she never left our child anywhere.  So there was nowhere to retrieve my child from and I didn't see him for 3 months.  Police refused to step in, citing a lack of written court orders.  My ex even refused to allow my phone calls to get through to him.  When we finally had our initial divorce hearing, the magistrate questioned stbEx about the 3 months of blocking, said "Well, I'll have to fix that" and then essentially IGNORED that total obstruction by setting a parenting schedule for me to have minimum time.  That schedule was in place for nearly two years during the entire divorce case despite at least two reports presented to the court that (1) I should have more time and (2) mother should immediately lose temporary custody.

2)  Her actions now may not make her look "too" bad.  Judges often see parents bickering over the children.  Sadly, they more or less expect to see some poor behaviors.  So it is up to you to emphasize that this is a long-standing pattern and that it worsened once you separated.  If you don't speak out, the judge may ignore the signals.  Remember that initial hearings are typically very short, just long enough for the judge to glance at the paperwork, ask a few questions and let the parents speak briefly.  So make those words count, have a strategy, don't be aggressive but be very assertive for your children.  She may claim, "I need... ." but you phrase it as "My children need... ."

3)  Of course you two don't agree, that's why you need the court.  Unfortunately, judges often proclaim to not know enough about the case and default to simplistic decision-making factors.  In my case, At our separation in 2005 I had a temporary protection order from another court since she had threatened DV and yet in family court the only question asked was, "What are your work schedules?"  Since I worked a regular schedule and my ex claimed to work from home (even though my TPO didn't allow her in the house at that time) the judge gave her temp custody and majority time.  So she lived with him in a battered women's shelter until she got an apartment.  Yes, it sucked.

4)  Unless you are seen as abusive, neglectful or a risk of endangerment toward the children then it is highly unlikely she would be granted sole physical custody.  That is unrealistic of her, it is an outward expression of her exaggerated sense of Entitlement and need to Control.  However, expect her to be willing to make false (court: unsubstantiated) allegations and more extreme ones later if the first ones fail.  (If she has contemplated or threatened to make false allegations previously, then your risk of that is high.)  Be aware, beware.

Do you see that it may be too passive of the situation if saying, "Your honor, all I want is equal time with my children... ."?  The judge will see on person asking for 50% and the other parent asking for 100%.  The likely result, not knowing the full situation and without any evaluations of the parents, is to split the difference.  (Judges prefer not to have one parent walk out feeling the 'winner' and the other parent feeling the 'loser'.)  Yeah, you'd be at high risk of walking out with alternate weekends and maybe an evening or overnight in between. :'(

Rather, why not ponder how to present yourself in the best light and be more assertive and less passive?  "Your honor, I have been actively blocked from regular and adequate parenting time with my children.  My spouse has been blocking my children (notice the focus on the children, not you!) from even the typical minimum time with a parent.  Due to her pattern of active obstruction of my parenting and my children's need to enjoy my parenting, I am asking to be the temporary custodial and residential parent.  (If I previously filed for equal time, I'd like to ask the court to amend it to majority time due to her continued obstructions.)  I can assure the time that I will (1) abide by the court's order and (2) I will not obstruct my ex from her parenting as she has done to me these past months.  I am not my spouse and I wish the opportunity to show I can parent reasonably and appropriately.  That is why I should have temporary custody and be residential parent during these initial months until the court can get results from evaluators concerning us.  I understand that you may decide otherwise, so if I am not assigned majority time here in the temporary order, then I ask that I have at least equal time, still in the best interests of the children."

Does that make sense?  I am concerned that if you passively ask for equal time as the first option, you may get whittled down to less.  Maybe, just maybe, if you both ask for majority time then the judge may have to rule on which parent is more likely to cooperate with the ordered schedule and more willing to co-parent.  Otherwise, the judge may reason, "Mother already has the children all the time, so the children are used to that, I don't don't want to upset the children by changing the current circumstances too much, I'll just make sure the father gets his minimum time and worry about the rest of the conflict later in the case."  Some have noted here that temp orders have a nasty habit of morphing into final orders.  It's an uphill struggle to improve the initial temp order, so try to get the best one you can from that first hearing.

Think of firefighters.  When facing a out-of-control forest fire, they will set small fires to burn back toward the fire to stop the fire, hopefully, from being able to proceed.  In other words, fight fire with fire, stand up for yourself, though of course in measured ways acceptable to the court.

[scraps66]

to answer your question, yes, this is interference.  Sprinkled with passive-aggressive control like not communicating.  This is also what I call, "control by chaos."  She doesn't want a fixed schedule becasue that represents structure where you have some element of control on your time.  She wouldn't have that control while on your time so that represents a threat to her in that she can't be in ultimate control.  Also some power struggle here.

[livednlearned]

Will the court see this and deny her sole physical custody (that's what she's asking for).

Bad news is that, like FD said, the courts will likely look at this behavior and think: The parties need a custody order in place. Meaning, until there is a legal document that establishes the visitation schedule, this behavior will be counted as no-man's land.

The most important thing you can do right now is to create a document trail that demonstrates you are being reasonable, and she is not. This is the beginning of your documentation process, not the end. Get this behavior documented so you can demonstrate your consistently reasonable behavior, and her consistently unreasonable behavior. Because the chances are good that she isn't going to behave much better than this, whether there is a custody order in place or not.

The better news is that she isn't likely to get sole custody. It's gotten harder for that to happen in most states, so sure, she'll ask for sole custody, but changes are she won't get it. Again, like FD said, ask for more than what you expect to get. Or ask for a custody evaluation so that she has to undergo a psych eval. Or a deposition, so you can create legal testimony that she is likely to perjure herself (or at best draw into question her stability and character). You need to use some of the blunt tools that the courts make available so they can see for themselves in the document trail that there is something very alarming about her behavior.

Your job is to be very, very conscientious that every action is directed toward doing what's best for the kids. That's all the courts care about. Document everything. Document everything. Document everything. Every time you write an email, imagine it being read in court.

Everyone here has a different story, but in my case, it all came down to email. I spent thousands of dollars in court listening to other people read my emails, their emails, N/BPDx's emails. For some, it's audio recordings. Be very careful about putting yourself in any situation where she can rattle your cage or make false allegations.

Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? Excellent resource if you haven't already picked up a copy.

[momtara]

Courts also like children to have a routine - which is good for you.  If you are trying to set and stick to a routine and she keeps interfering, then it is bad for the kids.  So you can point that out too.  Point out that you provide a more stable environment.

ForeverDad gives good advice - don't just ask for 50 percent, say you want to provide a calm, stable environment.  Neither side is going to get full custody unless they can prove the other person is dangerous.  But you can be the main caretaker or at least hope for equal time if you want that.

[ForeverDad]

Your job is to be very, very conscientious that every action is directed toward doing what's best for the kids. That's all the courts care about. Document everything. Document everything. Document everything. Every time you write an email, imagine it being read in court.

Everyone here has a different story, but in my case, it all came down to email. I spent thousands of dollars in court listening to other people read my emails, their emails, N/BPDx's emails. For some, it's audio recordings.

I spent two days in family court this week.  I didn't read emails because I was the only one sending them, I suspect she blocked me when we separated back in 2005 and never removed the block.  I read from phone texts.  I played audio recordings of exchange difficulties where my ex played games and obstructed.  My court history:  I had alternate weekends the first 2.5 years, then equal time in Shared Parenting as the Residential Parent for the next 3 years, then custody but still equal time for the next 2.5 years.  That's where I am now and I'm currently seeking majority time.  While that is definitely progress in the right direction, that SLOW progress is precisely why I said it's crucial to get a good temp order in place from the very start, yes there will be fixes later but they will likely be few and far apart, more like baby step adjustments than significant comprehensive fixes.

Be very careful about putting yourself in any situation where she can rattle your cage or make false allegations.

This is so very important.  Likely your spouse knows how to push your buttons.  When you tell the court about her bad behaviors, you don't want her to pull out proof you've yelled too (or whatever).  Yes, it would have been in response to her goading, but the judge won't care, he'll just conclude both of you are equally at fault.  So be sure to behave yourself at all times.  Don't let your spouse catch you off guard by surprise.  Even if she's not, imagine that she could be recording any time and every time.

It's good that so far the police have been professional and not preferential thus far.  But you never know about the next time.  In person encounters are particularly problematic.  It's relatively simple to prove someone did something wrong, but how do you prove you didn't do anything wrong if an allegation is made?  Even when you don't do anything wrong, you can still be accused and some countries have laws that give added credibility to women when allegations are made.  So be careful any time you're near her.  There have been stories here how some parents, while still living together, simply pushed past to leave and get away from the raging and then when police arrived were accused of beating their spouse, throwing spouse against the wall, down the stairs, etc.  And when the police ask, ":)id you touch her?" and you answer "Yes but it was only to... ." they'll only hear the "Yes."

As has been quoted here... .The parent behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the parent behaving well seldom gets credit.

[scraps66]

To add to FD's point about your behavior.  To substantiate any equality that maybe applied however misguided to assume youare both at fault, record any incidents you may know of with third party, unbiased sources.  My kids' elementary school has allowed me to docuemnt quite a few incidents of my ex's heavy handling of school personnel that is not inthe best interest of our children.  I have not yet used this intel yet, but hoping it will be useful when modifying my custody order and substantiaitng my motivatiosn for making the amendments.