Advice needed: ex BPD who is sabotaging kids relationship with new gf

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex and I have been Separated since 2009. Divorce was final this summer-2013. Last summer she found out I was dating someone who was a former family friend.

Since then she's told our kids:  15yr son, 13yr daughter, and 10 yr daughter nothing but lies.

-that my gf ruined the marriage.

-that my ex's mother told her on her deathbed she saw me kissing my gf one time at her house (before we were separated while I still lived there).

-she told them my girlfriends ex called her and told her that my girlfriend ended HER marriage to be with me.

-If  they ever see my gf she will kick them out of the family.

-They are forbidden to go to girlfriends house.

- she left message on girlfrind's phone screaming to her how her kids will 'never, never, EVER respect you.'

And the list goes on... .

Following are a few examples of how it's affected my kids as a result:

1. I was taking my kids to Disney for vacation and my gf had planned to drive us to the airport. Upon finding out who was taking us my 10 yr daughter began crying and went to her room. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me she didn't want to be kicked out of the family.

2. My 13 yr daughter became very angry when I told her my gf was coming over for my birthday. She cried and punched a pillow.   

3. One day I took my 10yr old to my girlfrind's to pick something up and when my 13 yr old found out she told the 10 yr old how brave she was for going there.

I know they like my girlfriend but don't want to deal with mom and the drama when they go home and have to deal with the debriefing my ex subjects them to.

[Baylor218]

My ex and I have been Separated since 2009. Divorce was final this summer-2013. Last summer she found out I was dating someone who was a former family friend.

Since then she's told our kids:  15yr son, 13yr daughter, and 10 yr daughter nothing but lies.

-that my gf ruined the marriage.

-that my ex's mother told her on her deathbed she saw me kissing my gf one time at her house (before we were separated while I still lived there).

-she told them my girlfriends ex called her and told her that my girlfriend ended HER marriage to be with me.

-If  they ever see my gf she will kick them out of the family.

-They are forbidden to go to girlfriends house.

- she left message on girlfrind's phone screaming to her how her kids will 'never, never, EVER respect you.'

And the list goes on... .

Following are a few examples of how it's affected my kids as a result:

1. I was taking my kids to Disney for vacation and my gf had planned to drive us to the airport. Upon finding out who was taking us my 10 yr daughter began crying and went to her room. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me she didn't want to be kicked out of the family.

2. My 13 yr daughter became very angry when I told her my gf was coming over for my birthday. She cried and punched a pillow.   

3. One day I took my 10yr old to my girlfrind's to pick something up and when my 13 yr old found out she told the 10 yr old how brave she was for going there.

I know they like my girlfriend but don't want to deal with mom and the drama when they go home and have to deal with the debriefing my ex subjects them to.

[starshine]

I'm so sorry, cjack, that you and your children are going through this.  Is there a chance you and the kids can get family therapy?  I think it can be such a help if an trained profession outside of your immediate friend/family zone can help them wade through this.  If so, maybe at some point, when you and your kids could invite your gf to the therapy sessions. 

I believe your kids will eventually figure out what is going on.  But for now, the fear of being banished is strong.  What your ex is doing is child abuse.  Have you done any reading on parental alienation?  There is a good video on the web you can watch.

What is your custody time like?

[Baylor218]

I talked to a therapist but I was told she couldn't talk to the kids unless both parents consented.  I have the kids every other weekend and twice during the week.  I feel like I'm close to all of them.  All the stories I mentioned I heard from them so I'm glad they can talk to me.  Thanks for responding and mentioning the video, I will look for it

[starshine]

I wonder what form of consent you need?  A written statement?  Maybe talk to their school counselor, and see if they is willing to talk with your kids.  Maybe if someone from the school recommends it, you will have more of a leg to stand on.  Is there anything in your court order about taking the kids for medical care?  I would ask your lawyer what they think your best option is.  If it's filing a motion to seek medical care for your kids, you might consider doing it.  Your ex might not want to go back into court.  It's so hard to say. 

I really tried hard not to rock the boat with my baby-daddy.  He was very high conflict, and took me to court 5 times over the years.  In my experience what I have found, with court, that who ever fires the first shot wins.  So, for example, if you file a motion to be the parent who provides the medical care for your kids, you most likely will be successful.  My ex took my court to provide medical care, and although he was not providing it he somehow got the right- he was aggressive, self righteous, and didn't have any issue with bending the truth enough for a judge to award him that right.  And you know what?  He has only taken the kids in a couple times over the last 15 years.  I have taken them to almost every optical, dental, back to school/sports, emergency room, MRI, therapy, etc- it was just about power and control.  He didn't REALLY want to be the one responsible for taking care of the kids in that way. 

[scraps66]

I've dealt with the consent issue in a joint custoy arrangement. Not successfully in resulting in productive counsleing for my S9.  UexNPD/BPD did nothing but interfere while I tried to get counsleing for our now mildly autistic son.  I went the high road, demanded she consent to the counseling, ended up taking her to court over it only to be met with a master that denied the therapy for son, but required we both get psychological evaluations.  Amazing, deniend child counsleing.  That never happened either due to the court writing unenforceable orders.

When I tried making the appointments for counsleing, and I had a list of psychologists, each asked for consent.  Apparently a Dr. needs consent, howevera a social worker does not.  A social worker may not have the skills to deal with a BPD infected family, but may be worht a try.  If the BP is not invovled that chances are better So, if I had it to do over, when asked if i had custoyd, I would say, "yes," and see what happens.  The fact is, at the time, you would have "custody" of the kids so this is nothing more than a play on words.  My ex actually agrred to consent to the counsleing, but would also not sign the consent fomrs.  so inher twisted mind, she consented, but in a way that prohibited counsleing for S9.  What a good mommy.

My ex would then provide me with short notice that she arranged what was supposed to be court-ordered counseling (a second judge overruled the master) for an issue with S9 where he washaving trouble sleeping.  she arranged it with a social worker who was obvioulsy overmatched with the assingment.  She insisted on the both of us being in the room with S9 for the sessions, having us "work" together.  As subtle and skilled as a BPD is at tipping that balance in their directiona nd making the other parent look bad, that's what these sessions turned out to be, the counsleing was useless.  Hence my doubt that a soical worker would be the best chocie.

In my mind, and I will try this again for S9, the only counsleing of nay benefit to the children does nto invovle the BP parent, or maybe either parent at all.  My S9 no doubt needs to talk to someone, alone, without interfering or the pressure of either parent present.

Hope this helps. 

[Baylor218]

Thanks for replying.  Don't know if I'm in denial or not but my kids seeming to be doing ok.  My two oldest are 15 and 13.  They know she gets in her moods and just kinda tolerate it.  My youngest is 10 and she is the pease maker type.  I talk to them several times a month about mom and stress it's not their fault.  Looking forward to getting good advice from this site

[pessim-optimist]

Hello again cjack,

It must be really hard to deal with the emotions of your ex, and the subsequent stories that your children hear. I want to encourage you to not take it lightly. It may pass, however, it may grow into a bigger problem. The good news is - you can protect yourself and your children.

Have you had a chance to watch the video starshine recommended? Here's the link for it, just in case:

What is "parental alienation"?

Also, there are a couple of really good books on the subject:

Divorce Casualties, Second Edition: Understanding Parental Alienation, by Douglas Darnall

Beyond Divorce Casualties: Reunifying the Alienated Family, by Douglas Darnall

Especially for your youngest, dealing with a BPD mom must be difficult. There are several books that might help her too. These two have a review on this website:

Sometimes My Mommy Gets Angry - Bebe Moore Campbell

An Umbrella for Alex, by Rachel Rashkin, MS

Hope these are helpful.

[Baylor218]

thank you, i will definitely look into them

[pessim-optimist]

You're welcome.

Your kids are fortunate to have a loving daddy - it makes a big difference. Hopefully in time your gf will be able to be another stabilizing, positive infulence in their life... .

[Baylor218]

the kind words and advice have been so helpful from everyone.  thanks