Now 18 - how long do my choices have to revolve around her?

[autumnfall]

Hi , new to the board, but what a fantastic resource.  Haven't been able to stop reading all day!  I just read advice on one post that it is good to use this site to get other perspectives, so that is my hope here.  

I am a single parent to 4 kids b/g twins 13, d 17 and BPDd 18.  Their dad by his choice has been out of their lives for 12 years, so the single parent life has been the norm for our family.  18d diagnoseed with BPD, last year involved alkot of hospitalizations, partial and otherwisee, thorugh March, has been better since then.  Hosp usually due to suicidal intent.  I have an offer for a job on the table that would allow me to make 30% more then I do now, but requires travel about 30% of the time.  (there are grandparents nearby who could stay with them if 18 yr old not comfortable overseeing things).  The benefits:  when not treaveling am home 24/7 as it is a telecommuting position.  My kids are old enough where If all was normal, it would be a no brainer, I would do it (currently financially stressed out, and commute round trip 3 hr/day in addition to work, so away from home 12 hrs each day).  Overall I think this would provide the entire family with improved balance of my availability and support.  But when I tested the waters the 18yr d was adamant that I should not take it.  No reason.  I know they are terrified of abandonment, but onm th eflip side, she is going through a very relbellious "i'm 18 and you need to but out of my life" stage.  (Just 6 months ago shee was constantly on my lap and complaining of how much shee missed me when I was at work so much it "hurt".  

Here's my struggle - she is very manipulative, but now 18.  I understand her sensativities with this diagnosis, but, also, questioning how long do my choices have to constantly revolve around her - When does it come down to "placing barriers and protecting your own rights" to "protectingn" and making choices based on your adult childs diagnosis?   For those parents with kids in 30s, will it always be this way?  Or do you try and forge your own life on your terms.  I am 50 yr old Mom to these 4 who have always worked full time in middle management positions doing my best for them.  Thoughts when faced with such choices?   what would you do with an offer of a job you would like, one draw back is travel which would upset the BPDd, but overall you end up with alot more in salaryk and spending overall greater amount of time with the entire family?   Drawbacks is the BPDd anger and possibility of what would happen if the BPD went into crisis when I'm awayi (trips only 3 days in length any given time).   Ahhhh   I hate that this sounds so whiny and selfish but curious on your thoughts.  I have a tough skin so feel free to lecture or chide me if you feel I'm being inappropriate even entertaining this.    AutumnFall

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lovesjazz]

Welcome to our site. In my opinion, I would try to get someone else to oversee the responsibilities while you are gone. I would not be comfortable leaving a BPD in charge. I think it is too juch stress for them. With the extra income, could you hire  someone to come when you sre away?

[pessim-optimist]

hello autumnfall, 

Welcome to our board!

You pose some very good questions, and the decision is definitely up to you - no one can tell you 'you should take the job' or, 'you should not take the job'.

We are here to support you and help sort things out and brainstorm with you.

That being said, this is what I hear in your story:

The positives seem to be very significant, and even the over-all time that you would be spending with your family would increase in spite of travel.

The down side of this is - your dd's fear of abandonement and your concern of how she will cope.

Probably the most serious possibility to consider is this one: Your dd has been suicidal before, your taking this job may trigger her again. Do you think that you can make a plan to pull through that if it happened? I do not say that you should live in fear of what may happen; only that if it did happen, you would need to have a plan to deal with it and to NOT quit your job as a result. Because that might inadvertently re-inforce her suicidal behavior and you would then be worse off - you would, so to speak, become a hostage to the suicidal behaviors... .So, what plan do you think you may need for that scenario?

I agree w/lovesjazz that leaving dd18 in charge would be inviting trouble. What are your other options?

[autumnfall]

Wow thank you both.  Very good points and you were great at getting the main points out of that rambling!  I am so glad this site is here for the clarity you give.  But you both gave me great thoughts to process as I work this out... .Thank you!