Setting boundaries around sex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hiya,

I'm just starting this new thread as I felt as though RedRose and I were highjacking Monarch Butterfly's thread a little bit... .  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211310.0

Red Rose you asked how I'm beginning to set boundaries around sex... .well it's really hard. I'm trying to use SET whenever I can. Along the lines of:

Support statement: I love you and I'm so glad we are continuing to work on our relationship together.

Empathy statement: I would feel angry and upset if I felt I was being rejected or pushed away all the time too.

Truth: I don't like you to grope my breasts in the supermarket as it embarrasses me and turns me off. I would rather were kind and helpful to me during the day and save the physical stuff for when we're at home and the kids are in bed.

Over the last 6 months he has reduced this behaviour in some respects... .he does it more when under stress etc. I just keep reinforcing that I love him and I understand why he does it but that it is not a behaviuor I'm willing to continue tolerating.

When he does do it I take his hand away and say something like 'I love you. Please repsect my boundaries on this' and move myself a bit. Sometimes he takes that well and sometimes he gets very upset.

I also try to show him physcial affection in an appropriate way when we're out or around the children. I touch and hold his hand a lot and I will kiss him on the cheek to show my affection.

It's very much a work in progress and I am finding this one of the hardest areas to cope with (second only to the boundaries about his approach to the children). I would really welcome any feedback or suggestions from others.

I particularly find it difficult to respond to him in a caring way when he has been really disregulated and mean but then continues to want sex. It really frustrates me that he cannot see the link betweeen the way he has behaved all day and my reluctance to be intimate later on... .I guess that is something I have to work on myself. I practising mindfulness and it is helping with this a bit.

PT x

[PeppermintTea]

Hiya,

I'm just starting this new thread as I felt as though RedRose and I were highjacking Monarch Butterfly's thread a little bit... .  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211310.0

Red Rose you asked how I'm beginning to set boundaries around sex... .well it's really hard. I'm trying to use SET whenever I can. Along the lines of:

Support statement: I love you and I'm so glad we are continuing to work on our relationship together.

Empathy statement: I would feel angry and upset if I felt I was being rejected or pushed away all the time too.

Truth: I don't like you to grope my breasts in the supermarket as it embarrasses me and turns me off. I would rather were kind and helpful to me during the day and save the physical stuff for when we're at home and the kids are in bed.

Over the last 6 months he has reduced this behaviour in some respects... .he does it more when under stress etc. I just keep reinforcing that I love him and I understand why he does it but that it is not a behaviuor I'm willing to continue tolerating.

When he does do it I take his hand away and say something like 'I love you. Please repsect my boundaries on this' and move myself a bit. Sometimes he takes that well and sometimes he gets very upset.

I also try to show him physcial affection in an appropriate way when we're out or around the children. I touch and hold his hand a lot and I will kiss him on the cheek to show my affection.

It's very much a work in progress and I am finding this one of the hardest areas to cope with (second only to the boundaries about his approach to the children). I would really welcome any feedback or suggestions from others.

I particularly find it difficult to respond to him in a caring way when he has been really disregulated and mean but then continues to want sex. It really frustrates me that he cannot see the link betweeen the way he has behaved all day and my reluctance to be intimate later on... .I guess that is something I have to work on myself. I practising mindfulness and it is helping with this a bit.

PT x

[Dancing1]

I can relate and empathise on these two issues. The disconnect between the behaviour and sex ( although somehow that has left our relationship completely ) and the behaviour forward the children .

I think that you have to feel comfortable with intimacy and that " disregulated " behaviour

While on purpose or out of control - someone has to take responsibility for it , and you can't just forget how you will feel after the sex when the meanness re emerges .

I think un BPD - should have the right to regroup after being mistreated and stand by their feelings and needs to be good to themselves especially when their partner is not being

A true partner. I know if I was intimate and then bad behaviour came my way I would feel totally used and like I made a mistake ... I miss the physical intimacy in my marriage - I can't even say how it got this bad . For sure the constant " abuses " , and loss of sleep , being awakened , lack of consideration for my and kids needs, then lack of acknowledgement that he was disrupting my sleep and making me move ... and on and on ...

These things erode the foundation of a relationship .

I find you need the combo of emotional and matched physical to have a healthy relationship .

Im new At this, trying to make sense of it all myself - but I agree with you .and feel your confusion and pain.