ex with uBPD makes kids feel guilty for seeing my new gf

[Baylor218]

my ex first asked for a divorce in may of 08.  after a lot of turmoil we decided to divorce in june of 09.  because if numerous circumstances and her behavior, our divorce wasnt finalized until july of this year.  in the spring of 11, i started seeing someone.  i told my kids (13,11, and 8) about her in may of 12 and asked them what they thought about it.  they were fine with it.  we went to her house a couple times and we all had fun.

in aug of 12, my ex with uBPD found out about it and she exploded.  she kept the kids from me, went to gf house a couple times and cursed at her in front of her son, told my kids and anyone who would listen that i been having an affair with her for ten years. it took a lot of work and legal fees but things have gotten better.

she told my girls (13, 10) that if they see my gf she would kick them out of the family.  (for some reason, she doesnt pressure my 15 year old son not to see her.)  we moved on from that but my girls still feel uncomfortable being around gf because they dont want to deal with mom when they get home.  she will either get mad at them or make them feel guilty.

how can i help my kids deal with their mom

[DreamGirl]

Loyalty issues with kids are really tough.

Your GF is not alone in that, it happens more often then we realize --- especially with a mama who suffers from BPD. The rejection sensitivity and black and white thinking make it really hard for her not to take the new stepmom relationship personally. Justified or not, it's hard for a mama when a new woman comes into the kids' life.

The kids are allowed to love who ever they want. 

I highly recommend a counselor skilled in blended family issues. This is really hard to navigate and it can cause some pretty serious issues in your future. Does your new GF have children?

[Baylor218]

she does but they are grown, one is in 20's and the other is 17.  i get along great with them.  i even met and talked to her ex.  it was awkward but we got through it.  i looked into therapist but i was told they couldnt treat unless my ex consented.  i didnt bother asking her.  thanks for responding.

[DreamGirl]

So no counseling. I get that. 

If you had to rate this level of guilt for your daughters - where would it come in at?

Are they really stressed?

Just uncomfortable?

Is there a "need" for a close relationship?

[Baylor218]

i would say just uncomfortable.  its awkward until the girls and gf start talking.  then it seems like they relax afterwards.  we have all sat and watched a movie together, and we all went to my in laws together.  what i have been able to get from them is when they go home, mom asks a lot of questions.  they know mom doesnt like when they see her so they feel guilty.  they are also fearful she will get mad.  i have gotten numerous phone calls and emails after bringing them home.  i still dont understand why she doesnt guilt my 15 year old son.  he never gets questioned or pressured, just my girls.

[ForeverDad]

Could school counselors help?  Your ex may not be able to block the children keeping in touch with the school counselors.  While their focus may be on school issues, they could probably help on this blended family issue, surely their objectivity and suggestions can help the kids in these other areas of their lives.

If you ever go back to family court for whatever reason, try to have the court order include counseling for the children.  Courts like counseling.  Of course, beware that ex will try to morph any ordered counseling into picking one that will bash you and echo ex's perceptions.  A counselor needs to support and advocate for the kids, not a parent.