Do you wonder what it feels like to be the child of a BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

As a child in a family where a mother or father is borderline you will most likely be treated as being all good or all bad.  I was the all good.  That does not mean that I had a fairytale life or was treated like a princess. Far from it.  I grew up in a war zone and my little brother and I were in the same trench. He was the all bad, even though he was a beautiful little boy. We would cower together in our shared room and dread the sound of heavy footsteps coming towards us.  It would be our father, dispatched by our BPD mother.  He was so enmeshed and in fear of crossing her that he would avoid a fight with her (or a silent treatment) by punishing us for something she had concocted.  I watched as my little brother was berated, shamed, called names and treated as if he were an unwanted visitor in their home.  Both of us were spanked far beyond what would have been considered acceptable by authorities.  We lived in constant fear and dreaded going home from school each day because we knew what it would be like in the home.

We were taught only one Bible verse... ."Honor thy father and mother".  We were taught that what ever went on behind closed doors was nobody's business.  Both of us wanted to run away or at least tell a teacher what it was like at home but we were too afraid.

We grew up and I began my own family but my brother who was so wounded and scarred by the way he was treated as a child stayed away from becoming a husband or father. He feared he would treat his spouse or child as he had been treated.  He talked to me, even in his 40's about things that were said to him.  Eventually he took his life.  

Not every child of a BPD fails to have their own family or takes their life but they are scarred.  You never forget living a life where you are only as good as the last thing you did FOR THEM.  You never forget being called stupid or ugly or a bed wetter.  You never believe that you are a smart or attractive person because as a little kid you were told you were not.

I would give anything if I had a loving mother but even now, in her old age, she says horrible things, makes everything about her, rewrites our childhood history and tells me how great she was as a mother.  The rages, selfishness and all that goes along with BPD behavior has a very strong and life long affect on a child.  Never under estimate the damage that is being done just because they are young.

[nevermore]

As a child in a family where a mother or father is borderline you will most likely be treated as being all good or all bad.  I was the all good.  That does not mean that I had a fairytale life or was treated like a princess. Far from it.  I grew up in a war zone and my little brother and I were in the same trench. He was the all bad, even though he was a beautiful little boy. We would cower together in our shared room and dread the sound of heavy footsteps coming towards us.  It would be our father, dispatched by our BPD mother.  He was so enmeshed and in fear of crossing her that he would avoid a fight with her (or a silent treatment) by punishing us for something she had concocted.  I watched as my little brother was berated, shamed, called names and treated as if he were an unwanted visitor in their home.  Both of us were spanked far beyond what would have been considered acceptable by authorities.  We lived in constant fear and dreaded going home from school each day because we knew what it would be like in the home.

We were taught only one Bible verse... ."Honor thy father and mother".  We were taught that what ever went on behind closed doors was nobody's business.  Both of us wanted to run away or at least tell a teacher what it was like at home but we were too afraid.

We grew up and I began my own family but my brother who was so wounded and scarred by the way he was treated as a child stayed away from becoming a husband or father. He feared he would treat his spouse or child as he had been treated.  He talked to me, even in his 40's about things that were said to him.  Eventually he took his life.  

Not every child of a BPD fails to have their own family or takes their life but they are scarred.  You never forget living a life where you are only as good as the last thing you did FOR THEM.  You never forget being called stupid or ugly or a bed wetter.  You never believe that you are a smart or attractive person because as a little kid you were told you were not.

I would give anything if I had a loving mother but even now, in her old age, she says horrible things, makes everything about her, rewrites our childhood history and tells me how great she was as a mother.  The rages, selfishness and all that goes along with BPD behavior has a very strong and life long affect on a child.  Never under estimate the damage that is being done just because they are young.

[PrettyPlease]

Woah, that's a powerful post nevermore. Thank you for putting it up. I'm sorry about your brother. And I'm sorry about you. And I'm even sorry about your mother -- who knows what levels of suffering she was going through inside. And the awful tragedy of BPD is that she had to express that suffering by making the lives of everybody else immeasurably worse, essentially destroying your brother's life (and probably your father's; and to some degree at least yours).

"You never forget living a life where you are only as good as the last thing you did FOR THEM"

I understand, having been through a variant of your situation. My mother and father had BPD/NPD traits (some of them strong), and made a classic version of the Narcissistic Family that Pressman/Donaldson-Pressman describe in their book. The key feature described in that book is the same as the quoted sentence of yours. In a narcissistic family the caring is inverted: children are supposed to worry about the needs and feelings of the parents, which become dominant, instead of the parents worrying about the needs and feelings of the children, which is what happens in a healthy family. That comes across loud and clear in your description: it was all about them.

And I agree the effect of personality disordered parents on their children can be huge. My sister has been on anti-psychotic drugs and struggling with her weight for 50 years. Neither of us had stable intimate relationships, and we live alone.

I suspect my sister may have BPD, which brings up BPD as a social pattern that replicates itself, down the generations. Although it's probably self-limiting; when it gets too bad it becomes impossible to sustain a family, and the line dies out.

Congratulations on making it to a family of your own. How has that gone? Have you worried about BPD characteristics coming out in you? Or your children? Did you get involved with BPD mates/partners? (I did.     )

PP

[Lady31]

nevermore,

I'm over on the leaving board, but decided to pop in here and saw your post.   :'( for you and your brother.

I am very close to my siblings (6 of us) - I can't IMAGINE losing my bro like that.  And then having to deal with the anger and bitterness toward a parent I felt mostly responsible for it.

Oh goodness honey - I'm so sorry.  No words.

[nevermore]

Thank you for the responses. My life has gone very well considering the years of grieving my brother. I married my high school sweetheart and we have been together and happy for 44 years. We have adult children who are wonderful parents and happy human beings.  I broke the cycle of abuse and that is my greatest achievement.  My father was miserable in his own skin and eventually he developed Alzheimer's disease. It was actually the happiest I ever saw him once he left her house and went to a nursing home.  He became very sweet (antipsychotic meds).  To sum up how she saw all of us the moment he died she left the room. Someone asked her where my brother was and she said "He is in with the corpse."  I don't understand how a marriage of 56 years can leave everyone so broken and her so ice cold.  Again thank you for reading it and thanks so much for responding. Peace and love friends.   We only get one life. Make it a life worth living for you and your children.

[Turkish]

Thank you for the responses. My life has gone very well considering the years of grieving my brother. I married my high school sweetheart and we have been together and happy for 44 years. We have adult children who are wonderful parents and happy human beings.  I broke the cycle of abuse and that is my greatest achievement.  My father was miserable in his own skin and eventually he developed Alzheimer's disease. It was actually the happiest I ever saw him once he left her house and went to a nursing home.  He became very sweet (antipsychotic meds).  To sum up how she saw all of us the moment he died she left the room. Someone asked her where my brother was and she said "He is in with the corpse."  I don't understand how a marriage of 56 years can leave everyone so broken and her so ice cold.  Again thank you for reading it and thanks so much for responding. Peace and love friends.   We only get one life. Make it a life worth living for you and your children.

That is horrible. I'm sorry for your brother, but that is great that you broke the cycle.

My mother, who adopted me single, never married (well, when I was 25 and 7 years living away from her), had BPD traits, though she is not BPD... .maybe. I am starting to rethink that. She seems to pick other BPDs out quite easily, based on the recent conversations I've had with her about my pwBPDex. My mother is a severe depressive though. So I got the intense love/anger-devaluation (physical and emotional abuse/intense love cycle my whole childhood. It got worse as her depression caused our lives to fall apart (we were homeless for a while, among other things), and the abuse got worse towards me as I hit puberty, started asserting myself and becoming a man.

All in all, I became the "lonely child." Since I was literally abandoned after birth (alcoholic/druggie parents (mother died of it shortly thereafter)---> to grandparents--->to foster care---> to my mom who adopted me at 2 and a 1/2), I did learn to be independent, pretty much from being a toddler on, if only emotionally. But I remember always being self aware, even if depressed (relentless teasing through the school years was another factor in the mix), which lasted into my 30s. My BPD experience, if anything, has, and will make me a better parent to my children than my mom was (with whom I still can't discuss some things to this day due to her being emotionally fragile, but she is supportive of me in this), my ex's parents were (at least her father), and than my ex will be to our kids. I've already been taking quality care of them more in the past year when this started going downhill than she has! She's a good mom on the surface, and loves them... .in-between throwing F bombs at our S3... .

[froggy]

I can so identify with the fear of the heavy footsteps. .except it was my Dad with the BPD.

He was an angry brutal man with a belt. He would hit us on the palm of our hands. 5 each hand to start with... now if you flinched you got more... if you cried too much you got more... if you didn't cry enough you got more.

If you were stupid enough to talk back or he thought you were it was a back hand.

I could have lived with just that... but there was the constant devaluation. ... being female was the worst. ... only good for cooking ... cleaning and you know the other.

He use to drop us off in the middle  of nowhere and say "hope you were watching how we got here... find your own way home"

And leave us standing alone on the road.

He was also  a pedophile... I understand the no talking about the home life... I never had people over ... was nice to go to my friends house anyway. .got a break from him.

One of the happiest days of my life is when my Mom kicked him out when I was 13... he set me up for other predators in my life... a rape and then on going sexual abuse from the same guy at 15... .a head first dive into the deep end of self destruction of drugs and boyfriends after... .and then a move from everyone I knew... .and that's when my pwBPD walked into my life... .he just out of a long term r/s and me so broken... the perfect storm.

I am so happy you found someone normal.

The one thing I wish for my children...

[Turkish]

I can so identify with the fear of the heavy footsteps. .except it was my Dad with the BPD.

He was an angry brutal man with a belt. He would hit us on the palm of our hands. 5 each hand to start with... now if you flinched you got more... if you cried too much you got more... if you didn't cry enough you got more.

If you were stupid enough to talk back or he thought you were it was a back hand.

I could have lived with just that... but there was the constant devaluation. ... being female was the worst. ... only good for cooking ... cleaning and you know the other.

He use to drop us off in the middle  of nowhere and say "hope you were watching how we got here... find your own way home"

And leave us standing alone on the road.

He was also  a pedophile... I understand the no talking about the home life... I never had people over ... was nice to go to my friends house anyway. .got a break from him.

One of the happiest days of my life is when my Mom kicked him out when I was 13... he set me up for other predators in my life... a rape and then on going sexual abuse from the same guy at 15... .a head first dive into the deep end of self destruction of drugs and boyfriends after... .and then a move from everyone I knew... .and that's when my pwBPD walked into my life... .he just out of a long term r/s and me so broken... the perfect storm.

I am so happy you found someone normal.

The one thing I wish for my children...

That's horrible. Sounds a bit like my mom (except for the sexual abuse), but your dad seems a lot like my mom's dad was. He's the only person I've ever heard my mom describe as "evil." She was the last child, orphaned by her mom at 12, then left alone in the house with that monster until she was 14 and then he died. 60 years later, just the other week, she told me something else... .that he used to bring prostitutes to come live with them after her mom was gone.

My mom, though probably not BPD (though now I am beginning to wonder... .), but with BPD tendencies, had it much worse than I did. MUCH worse. In that, I forgive her a lot of my crazy childhood.

[froggy]

My dad was messed up by his own own childhood. .he always refered to his mother as the witch... told us she was dead... when infact she didn't die till I was 10.

He was screwed up before he spent 5 years in WW2... came back really screwed up... he never should have had children... .had 9... resented us all... .a day didn't go by with out hearing... ."if it wasn't for you kids I'd have this or that"

He died alone 10 years ago... .I've always thought to stay angry at some one gives them more power over you... and why would I give him power after he's dead.

I forgive him as the broken individual he was... not the things he did to me or my siblings.

We all are a product of our childhoods... .but we have the choice to change the cycle to not feel entitled to act out because we had a crappy childhood.

I had to LEARN how to be a loving parent... I chose to treat my childen with love andrespwct... .I only wish I had found a partner who was capable of doing the same.

[nevermore]

Froggy, my heart breaks for you.  Do you still feel a sickening fear when you hear a man getting loud or walking heavy?  I do.  No child should have to live with that kind of stress.  I forgave my father too when he became terminally ill and lost all memory. The last years of his life I felt a love for him. He was motherless as a toddler and never had a parent to model for him what a parent should be.  I don't forgive my mother but I forgave him.  Thank you so much for posting and please keep sharing. Every time you do I bet it speaks to someone that you have never even met.     I wish I could give that inner child of yours a hug.

[hopealways]

"I would give anything if I had a loving mother but even now, in her old age, she says horrible things, makes everything about her, rewrites our childhood history and tells me how great she was as a mother.  The rages, selfishness and all that goes along with BPD behavior has a very strong and life long affect on a child."

This post really hit home with me. I am the child of a BPD mother, and I only realized she was BPD after leaving a tumultuous relationship with my BPDex. They were similar in more way than I could handle. 

My mother also rewrites my childhood history, insists that "I was the happiest child", tells me she was a great mother, and still makes everything about her. I have tried to distance myself from her as I was tired of being her emotional caretaker all my life.  This has helped me tremendously, but I feel guilty every day about it.

I asked my father last night to tell me more about how she acted after they were married, and the things she did were eerily similar to my BPDex.  For the first time, I felt sorry for my dad.  She terrorized him just as she did me.

I do resent her very much. Being a child of a BPD mother stunts our emotional development. We become people pleasers, we never put ourselves first, we do not love ourselves, we search high and low for the love we never had and end up with emotional predators like my BPDex.  I have suffered so much from the actions of my mother, and only now am I addressing it and starting to heal.  I say better late than never. Thank you for sharing.

Nevermore, is it okay to distance ourselves from the BPD mother? How did you heal?

[nevermore]

It is MORE than okay to distance ourselves. Some make that choice, others may try a medium chill approach. Some never leave.  I have tried all of them. Medium chill worked best for me but I am older than dirt and learned my lessons over time.  Guilt is an awful thing but think about it like this. Imagine "guilt" is a bag of bricks.  It is sitting there, not asking to be picked up but you make the choice to lift it up and carry it.  You go about your daily life but as you do you still have that 100 pounds of bricks wearing you out.  Carry the bag of guilt doesn't change anything in reality.  Your BPD won't behave differently, think more of you or less of you.  It is just there... .in your arms.  Do I think it is okay to put it down?  YES unless you are a fan of stress related illnesses, wasting the one life you are blessed to have and never really knowing joy.  Sit it down and walk away and the next time they say something that triggers you and makes you think for a second that you should run back and get it... .DON'T.     I   you guys for sharing.  Doesn't it feel good?

[nevermore]

You asked me "how did I heal".  I didn't.  I cope.  I don't think that the damage done to me as a child can ever be undone but it is what you decide to do with what you are dealt.  What would I be if I had been raised by loving parents?  I imagine I would have far more self esteem, bigger career drive, walk with swagger and I would still have a sibling.  The difference between how I coped and how my sibling failed to cope is probably the best way to explain it.

My brother was so badly scarred by being the all bad child that he could never move on with his life. I fell in love and had my babies and put them first in my life. As a parent I did THE OPPOSITE of what my parents had done and that worked out well.  I have had so many days when I have cried my eyes out because I never had a "real mom" or a loving dad but then I get back to living my life.  I have days when she is sweet to me and I feel myself being pulled in... .and I resist.  I went no contact for three glorious years and I learned a lot about myself.  I found out I am a good person, not the weak person she perceives me to be.  I gained enough perspective that I was able to move back within 10 minutes of her, talk to her several times a week and still have a great life.  I keep a daily journal.  I am not afraid to say that I do not like her or trust her and I never will but I can talk about the weather with her.  She knows that I can and will walk away if she ever crosses myt boundaries.  My brother stayed stalled and never escaped them. Even as a man in his 40's he was that little boy that they treated like dirt.  I was the closest thing he ever had to a mom and I was only three years older than him.  (I was never a child).

Life is meant to be lived and lived well.  I won't let anyone take that away, especially the person who stole my childhood.  Sorry about the length of this but it was a deep question. 

[froggy]

Yes Nevermore... it does help to share... I don't tell the details of my childhood and my dad... .people tend to tag you as broken.

I'm fortunate enough that I learned to suppress most of the really bad memories of my dad... .I try and remember the few good ones... I encouraged my siblings to do the same after he died and we were cleaning out his apartment. ... I think resentment is poison... you can't change the awful things that have happened but you can decide to not let them control you... you can choose to let them re injure you over and over by trying to make sense of it all... to keep picking the scab off... keeping the wound fresh.

I know people who's childhoods were much worse. ... I think it would be so much more damaging to have a mother with BPD... .can't imagine. ... my mother was very busy (9kids)she just didn't have a lot of time for us... .but I do know she loved me... .couldn't talk to her... .think that had a lot to do with my dad. He didn't even like us siblings getting along... easier to divide and conquer.

I think the one post that has helped me the most is the one on the lonely child... .I need to learn to love her... .my dad was wrong... I AM worth something:)

[hopealways]

You asked me "how did I heal".  I didn't.  I cope.  I don't think that the damage done to me as a child can ever be undone but it is what you decide to do with what you are dealt.  What would I be if I had been raised by loving parents?  I imagine I would have far more self esteem, bigger career drive, walk with swagger and I would still have a sibling.  The difference between how I coped and how my sibling failed to cope is probably the best way to explain it.

My brother was so badly scarred by being the all bad child that he could never move on with his life. I fell in love and had my babies and put them first in my life. As a parent I did THE OPPOSITE of what my parents had done and that worked out well.  I have had so many days when I have cried my eyes out because I never had a "real mom" or a loving dad but then I get back to living my life.  I have days when she is sweet to me and I feel myself being pulled in... .and I resist.  I went no contact for three glorious years and I learned a lot about myself.  I found out I am a good person, not the weak person she perceives me to be.  I gained enough perspective that I was able to move back within 10 minutes of her, talk to her several times a week and still have a great life.  I keep a daily journal.  I am not afraid to say that I do not like her or trust her and I never will but I can talk about the weather with her.  She knows that I can and will walk away if she ever crosses myt boundaries.  My brother stayed stalled and never escaped them. Even as a man in his 40's he was that little boy that they treated like dirt.  I was the closest thing he ever had to a mom and I was only three years older than him.  (I was never a child).

Life is meant to be lived and lived well.  I won't let anyone take that away, especially the person who stole my childhood.  Sorry about the length of this but it was a deep question. 

Thank you for this. It's time I start to do that, and I have in fact started.

[nevermore]

      You GO!  It's one day at a time and if you slip just hop up and do better the next day.