Unsure how to proceed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

SS34 moved in with mom in Sept. He painted me black about two years ago and I suspect may be BPD too. I knew him since he was 13 and he has issues. He moved in because his stbx kicked him out. I didn't know the details.

Several weeks ago I picked our boys (S15 and S10) up at school. I pick S15 up an hour before S10. S15 started telling me how SS34 drove him to school. Gave me details and how he was scared with SS34 behind the wheel. His concerns were legitimate. Not holding onto steering wheel, weaving through lanes, going into oncoming traffic. I listened mostly and then it was time to pick up S10. As soon as he got out of school he began to tell me of his experience with SS34 driving him. They were two separate incidents. S10 asked me later that night to email mom about it since she doesn't listen to him. S15 said basically the same. I emailed ex. I expected vitriol and I was not disappointed. Kids realized they would get some next time they seen her too and they did. I also talked to both of them and told them they do not and should not get into a car with someone behind the wheel that they feel uncomfortable with. Mom decided SS34 doesn't have to drive either boy anymore since they are so disrespectful. xBPDwspeak for problem solved.

Just a few days ago I was contacted by SS's stbx. Apparently SS has a serious substance abuse problem. In addition, he was recently arrested for dealing drugs. It was a police sting operation. They have not filed charges yet because he has agreed to become a confidential informant in an attempt to reduce his potential 6 year sentence.

I emailed ex letting her know SS needs to go to detox (I am sure she knows his issues) or move out because I am concerned for the boys and her safety. I offered a temp solution that the boys are with me until she can resolve what is going on at her residence. Of course, she denied the story and attacked me for being emotionally abusive.

We are going to court in several weeks for a cutody matter but I don't feel comfortable waiting that long. SS has moments of violence. I know the name of the arresting officer and SS's criminal attorney. I know The officer can be subpoenaed for our hearing but that is in 3 or 4 weeks. Is there something I can do sooner?

[david]

SS34 moved in with mom in Sept. He painted me black about two years ago and I suspect may be BPD too. I knew him since he was 13 and he has issues. He moved in because his stbx kicked him out. I didn't know the details.

Several weeks ago I picked our boys (S15 and S10) up at school. I pick S15 up an hour before S10. S15 started telling me how SS34 drove him to school. Gave me details and how he was scared with SS34 behind the wheel. His concerns were legitimate. Not holding onto steering wheel, weaving through lanes, going into oncoming traffic. I listened mostly and then it was time to pick up S10. As soon as he got out of school he began to tell me of his experience with SS34 driving him. They were two separate incidents. S10 asked me later that night to email mom about it since she doesn't listen to him. S15 said basically the same. I emailed ex. I expected vitriol and I was not disappointed. Kids realized they would get some next time they seen her too and they did. I also talked to both of them and told them they do not and should not get into a car with someone behind the wheel that they feel uncomfortable with. Mom decided SS34 doesn't have to drive either boy anymore since they are so disrespectful. xBPDwspeak for problem solved.

Just a few days ago I was contacted by SS's stbx. Apparently SS has a serious substance abuse problem. In addition, he was recently arrested for dealing drugs. It was a police sting operation. They have not filed charges yet because he has agreed to become a confidential informant in an attempt to reduce his potential 6 year sentence.

I emailed ex letting her know SS needs to go to detox (I am sure she knows his issues) or move out because I am concerned for the boys and her safety. I offered a temp solution that the boys are with me until she can resolve what is going on at her residence. Of course, she denied the story and attacked me for being emotionally abusive.

We are going to court in several weeks for a cutody matter but I don't feel comfortable waiting that long. SS has moments of violence. I know the name of the arresting officer and SS's criminal attorney. I know The officer can be subpoenaed for our hearing but that is in 3 or 4 weeks. Is there something I can do sooner?

[Waddams]

Can you talk to your L about all this?  Maybe there's a way to bump up the schedule for the hearing based on new information?  I know there are ways to request emergency hearings and get in front of a judge within a couple of days.  Worst that can happen is the court can deny the emergency hearing but at least you'd have tried.  Nothing to regret down the road at that point.

[catnap]

Can you talk to your L about all this?  Maybe there's a way to bump up the schedule for the hearing based on new information?  I know there are ways to request emergency hearings and get in front of a judge within a couple of days.  Worst that can happen is the court can deny the emergency hearing but at least you'd have tried.  Nothing to regret down the road at that point.

Thinking the same thing--try for an emergency order. 

[Waddams]

www.georgiacourts.org/aoc/selfhelp/faq.html#Q2

Here's a link to Self Help regarding specifically Georgia courts, but I'd imagine a lot of the more general information is still helpful for any jurisdiction in the US.  There are sections regarding how to get emergency hearing motions filed.  I didn't read them in detail, but just book marked it for future reference as I think I might be needing to file something soon and as I don't have spare cash, I might need to go pro se myself.

[david]

I talked to my atty and he said he courts subpoena SS and the arresting officer. I really didn't want to wait a few weeks though but I guess at this point I will have to. I will be getting more evidence in the meantime. My atty said he would call ex's atty and see if something could be done in the meantime. I haven't talked to our boys about the details and what I learned about SS yet. I think I need to do that so they can be aware. I will tell them the first course of action if something isn't right is to get out and call the police. I will also talk to them and tell S15 that he can protect himself and he should also help his brother (10) if he needs it.

[Waddams]

If you know the arresting jurisdiction, you could probably go look up the case records at the court house and get court stamped, official copies.  That way you have the official records. 

[david]

That's the thing. SS is working with the police to help them get more people with the carrot that his jail time will be reduced or he will be on probation and house arrest instead of jail time. I believe that since he is a confidential informant the records are not officially filed. I don't really want SS to do jail time. I actually think he needs to detox and get help. At the same time, I don't think S15 and S10 are in a safe environment living under the same roof. I have learned that he does get violent at times. I attribute that to the meds.

My current thinking is that if I can get more solid evidence and show ex she will respond in a proper manner. Her email started off with her having no knowledge of any arrest or drug problem. He has no money and has already retains a criminal attorney so I am sure ex gave him the money. He also purchased a 2011 fusion a week ago so I am sure ex signed for that and is paying that too.

[GaGrl]

david, I would imagine that as a confidential informant, nothing is going to be public at this point.  The authorities probably want everything to stay well under the radar.  I would be very, very concerned as time goes by that, if anything does surface regarding your SS's informing on drug associates, the house where SS lives would not be a safe and secure place for anyone living there.  Time to play hardball again, I guess.  (Sigh.)  It never stops, does it?

[david]

SS was given a subpoena today to appear in court as a witness in our custody hearing modification. My atty plans on doing the same to the police officer. That may cause a cascade of events and he will be arrested since he serves no use for them at that time. SS's stbx also called and gave me quite a bit of info pertaining to which meds and the quantities. His prescriptions are extremely large amounts each month of three different painkillers. She said she has records and will send them to me. From what I have researched so far SS should be getting bloodwork at least every other month if not sooner. I believe he is not. He is probably damaging his liver by now. Very upsetting but maybe this will bring things to a head and he will be forced to get clean. He had surgery in 2009 and the doc said he should be going to a detox unit a few months after he heals. I am quite certain he has not. My atty will be asking for all this info for him to have for the courts. In the meantime I have to wait. I keep thinking this is what the courts call in the best interest of the children. 

I will see the boys on Monday and am trying to figure out what I should say to them about their brother and his substance abuse issues. I think they should know since they are living with him at their mom's.

[catnap]

There may be a way to warn the boys without going into all the details.  They could very well let the cat out of the bag to their Mom.  Couldn't you say that SS has some issues that are linked to his medication and it is best that they have little contact with him as possible or any of SS's friends.

Do they have a way to contact you without Mom knowing?  If so, tell them they can call you 24/7 if they get scared or it is okay to call the police and let them know. 

Did your L offer any advice on what to say to your sons?