Not recycling, but something

[hardhabit2break]

In my relationship with my uBPDH I have never been through recycling. We have been married for 28 years and up until 5 months ago have never split up. I filed for divorce in June after discovering in May that he was having an affair and some other disturbing betrayal. I didn't even realize that he had been emotionally detached for months.  Lying, deceiving, betraying. So anyway, he didn't end the affair and in June he began spending several nights a week with his new SO.  Now after 6 months the affair has ended. I know they could get back together or he could find someone new.  Now he wants to work together to get the house sold, work details of the divorce out, and stop the bitterness,  blah, blah, blah.  Meanwhile while he was with his SO he was totally gone, disconnected, and didn't give a crap about me or the kids.  My question is, is this still considered recycling, even though he isn't looking to get back together, he is looking for some sense of normalcy?  He wants me to be who I used to be, that's the only me he knows. We still reside in the same house and I went over 2 months with NC up until a couple of weeks ago. As is typical with PW BPD he doesn't take responsibility for what he did. I am so frustrated and confused right now. I don't want to allow him to manipulate me. I do keep telling myself "don't let him fool you, remember all he did, remember he has treated you poorly for years". But I don't want to constantly have to remember all that.  And I definitely don't want him back.  Any advice?

[fiddlestix]

I think he somehow wants everything to "be okay."  He wants your stability to be there when he needs it. My BPD wife of 23 years ago moved out in June, 2012 to be with her ex con boyfriend.  When that r/s failed she wanted to try again with me after nearly a year of no contact.  She was sweet, flirty, and texted me daily for over a month.  We went out on a date.  I was slowly regaining trust; she seemed so much better. Alas, she blew off a planned evening with me because she found another guy.

I should have never trusted her again.  I began divorce proceedings, to which she cheerfully agreed.  She said she was glad we "reconnected" and wanted to maintain that.  She wants to be my buddy.  She still wants me in her life because she knows I am trustworthy.  She wants to roam and do her thing, but still have my stable presence available to her.

I suspect your husband is hoping for that as well.  He will probably try to recycle you romantically at some point, if you keep the door open. Be careful.

Fiddle

[alliance]

Recycling refers to trying to restart the relationship. I am not hearing that in what you say.

However, I can say, whenever my ex started acting in a reasonable, cooperative, basically normal and expected way... .it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

I don't know what it means with your ex but for mine, it was something that would make me let my guard down, right before she dumped me on my head again.

Stay the course, keep focused on what BPD is, and how it works. You are still vulnerable to their manipulations.

[hardhabit2break]

Thank you for the insight fiddlesticks and alliance. I was looking for validation that I am seeing the warning signs and I need to keep my guard up. It is easy for me to be manipulated by him. After all, not trusting him is new to me. I have trusted him for all the years I have been with him up until just recently. I need to get back to NC. That would be best for me.  He will try to take advantage of me and the good person I have always been to him.  I can't believe anything he says and can never trust him again. He will hurt me over and over again. I have come a long way but I still have a long way to go.

[fiddlestix]

Hardhabit... .I believe he will want to keep his foot in your door.  He may not have a conscious, well thought out plan, but you are his comfort zone and safe harbor (as well as his trigger).  He will jump into any opening he perceives.

If he is like my ex BPD wife (who still called me her best friend even after she abused me horribly for years), he will always do what soothes, entertains and distracts him.  If he believes that you are still there, somewhere, he will not let go of you.  He may or may not want you romantically/sexually (for now... .that can change overnight), but he will keep using you as long as you allow.

Be careful, my friend. Lean on us here :-)

Fiddlestix