A hope for DD16 - Today is intervention day

[crumblingdad]

I haven't had a chance to post in sometime on updates for my DD16 but today there is a sliver of hope for her.

As some of you have read and know our DD16 has been battling uBPD along with PTSD, Anxiety and a growing heroin addiction for the last few months.  She's been in and out of 4 group homes the last 2 years, we had placed her in our state's Chin's program which she was eventually discharged from because "she exhausted their resources" and they felt their was nothing else they could do.  Since then she began the heroin use.  She recently got involved with a 29 year old male heroin user she refers to now as her boyfriend (and nothing we can do as age of consent is 16 in our state).

We've made at least 3 dozen runaway reports to police when she escapes at night over the last few months and she typically has returned the next morning when we do or we're able to tell the police where we think she is and they go get her.  She was arrested for assault last time police got her after running away because as she got out of cruiser she hit me in the stomach and then resisted arrest by the officer watching it, ended up being body slammed to the pavement and taken away.  Fortunately police dropped the charges for assaulting a police officer but have kept charges for assault on me and have filed a juvenile delinquency petition.  They've worked closely (although growing more and more frustrated with our DD16) with us and if today works will continue the court proceedings as will the police department where she is facing DWI charges for a few months ago.

(I urge all of you to use every law enforcement or public mental health resource and overcome any embarrassment you have taking that step -  it's a hard process but I'm not going to hide from mental illness due to any societal stigma that may be placed on our family - my DD16's life is too valuable to concern myself with whether anyone wants to judge our family and think it's due to our bad parenting because they don't understand mental illness like BPD - but that's a different soapbox)

Her heroin usage is nightly now and she's reached a physical addiction stealing jewelry from her mom's house and exchanging sex with older men for her next high.

So over last few months I've searched for a treatment facility tirelessly but she has refused anything we've tried to get her including McLean's 14 day ATR dual diagnosis program despite fact I had secured her bed and got insurance to approve the stay. We've read book after book on trying to find ways to use validation and boundaries and take care of ourselves while trying to get her help and with each passing day it seems more and more futile. 

A few weeks ago I was searching for resources and was referred to and directed to an interventionist in NY who came highly recommended.  I've done an exhaustive search of treatment facilities across the country and was also referred to Cottonwood De Tuscon in Tuscon, AZ as they have an all girls adolescent unit called Sweetwater for ages 12-17.  I had already been looking at this facility but when I got the recommendation from a therapist who does a lot of BPD work with teens she highly recommended Bob and Cottonwood De Tuscon (cottonwooddetuscon.com).   His name is Bob Reid from Family Interventions (familyinterventions.net) and has done thousands of these and has a success rate where he's had only 20 that didn't agree to treatment and has never had an adolescent refuse treatment in his 20 years of work.  He also had immediate family with both addiction and BPD so he fully understands the illness which is hard to come by.

Today we will try what we consider our last hope to get her help.  We will hold an intervention.  We've flown out her grandfather (who's been in recovery from opiates since 1974)  from across the country along with 5 other close family and friends that we feel she has a connection with.  The interventionist is here and we spent over 5 hours preparing for today last night.  If successful and she agrees we have flights booked to Arizona and will go straight to airport for a 6:30 pm flight with myself, mom, DD16 and interventionist to have her admitted late tonight after we drive from Phoenix to Tucson.

Please keep us and my DD16 in your thoughts and prayers - I'm not a religious person but we need every prayer and thought behind us today as we hope our very strong willed stubborn DD16 agrees to take this step as she is truly only a step or two away from death if she doesn't.

Thanks to all of you for all your support and writings - even when not posting they have been a tremendous source of support since finding this 4-5 months or so ago.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Dear crumblingdad,

You have been through so much with your d16.

I admire your strength and wisdom to continue to search for help and your willingness to look outside the box for answers and not give up.  I understand how difficult this path is to travel and have experienced the successes that it can bring.

I pray that your determination will be your d16's salvation to free her from her addiction and help her find the path to self examination and freedom from her mental illness. I pray that the intervention and subsequent treatment will be what she needs and she will embrace it fully.

I pray that you will be able to rest and have inner peace, knowing you have done all you can do regardless of your d16's choices.  I lift you all up for healing.

Please let us know how the intervention goes, that your d is safe and that you are ok.

lbjnltx

[pallavirajsinghani]

My heart goes out to you.  All my prayers and blessings are with you and your family.  And thank you for posting your unmitigated belief in using every resource available and not caring about the mental health stigma.

Actually, a doctor pointed out to me that "labels" are good.  "Labels" spell out clearly what is wrong and this awareness also leads to solutions.  So a "label" is actually a diagnosis--not a stigma.

Society is increasing becoming more aware of mental health issues... .what with all the murders and gun violence in our schools especially... .can you imagine if the entire society began to become more aware of mental health issues and hence proceeded to use every available resource?

Also, a thought on another tangent has just struck me,  do talk to an attorney specializing in issues of guardianship... .I am not sure about the legal terminology, but when a person is not capable of making non-self-destructive decisions for themselves, the law allows the family members to make those decisions for them... .perhaps some day, you can force her to be in certain treatment programs where she at least will be safer than being on the streets.

I think I am grasping at straws here... .

My maternal protective embrace encircles you all... .

[crazedncrazymom]

I'm so sorry for all you and your family are going through.  You have shown strength, courage and enormous character for not giving up on your daughter.  You are fighting the good fight and I hope that at the end of the day we will hear that your daughter has agreed to enter treatment. 

-crazed

[crumblingdad]

Well thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers.  We tried like hell but our dd16 has yet again refused treatment despite the pleas of 7 family members.  This was the first adolescent in 20 years our interventionist hasn't gotten to agree to a treatment.

It was a long ugly 10 hours of trying to get her to accept help which resulted in her sister being punched in the face by dd16, attempts to kick out a 2nd floor window to jump out of, and most of my living room being smashed to pieces in a violent rage along the way.

She texted her grandpa the night before when she didn't know this was coming telling him she felt she needed a rehab but then during intervention said it was only because she was high when she wrote it.

She has court hearings Tuesday and we've told her we won't advocate on her behalf except to inform judge she's an addict, is a threat to her self and should be put in a secure treatment center or locked up if need be.  Apparently she will have to bottom out further and hopefully bottom isn't death but I suspect it might be and we've exhausted everything at this point and just have to let it take its course.

[lbjnltx]

I'm so sorry crumblingdad.  Your spirit may feel crushed.  Please don't give up hope.  As you said, she needs to reach HER bottom.  It is amazingly scary how deep our children's bottoms can reach.



lbjnltx

[Healing4Ever]

Dear crumblingdad,

I am so sorry to read about your struggles.  Your clarity and determination to search out and find resources, and the love you demonstrate for your daughter are incredibly inspiring and touching.  Your daughter probably doesn't know it now, but she's lucky she has you and your family.  Hopefully she figures that out sooner than later.

I will keep you, your daughter and your family in my prayers.  I do believe that there is a God, who hears us, and that there is power in prayer of many.  I will add you to my church's prayer list as well (obviously anonymously) so the prayer team can add their efforts.

I hear how futile everything sounds and I don't know what else to say other than to remind you to take care of yourself.  I can imagine that I would become swallowed up with grief and worry and forget about me.  Do things to pamper yourself right now - whatever that means to you.  A massage?  Some good food?  Therapy?  I can't even imagine what I'd be able to do for myself in your situation - my issues with anxiety would be overpowering.  What have you been able to do to take care of yourself?

Thank-you for sharing and please keep us posted.   

H4E

[crazedncrazymom]

Crumbling,

I'm so sorry your dd isn't ready to enter treatment.  What a shame that we parents don't have more power over our children's mental health.  I hope on Tuesday the judge will see that she needs help and sentence her to a dual diagnostic treatment center.

Good luck!  Please take care of yourself and your family today.  You must all be so tired.

-crazed

[six]

Hi Crumbling

just want to add my voice to the chorus of love and support for you.  So many of us can identify with what you are going through. 

Just want to say that your superhuman efforts, above and beyond what anyone could expect from any parent are themselves a form of a prayer.  There is no way that such a heartfelt prayer could go unanswered.  We have seen so many prayers answered and miracles occur for the families on this board.  Sometimes those miracles appear in the form of judges who care and want to help and order what is necessary.   Don't give up hope.  You will get your miracle too.  Please let us know when it happens

[bpdteensmom]

crumblingdad,

So happy to see a post by you here.  I have thought of you often since our last interaction.  I'm so sad to hear of what you've been going through since then.  What a mess.  I don't have answers for you, but I wish you luck and hope you'll keep us all posted. Lets hope that she gets some clarity in one way or another.  It seems like suck an uphill battle with BPD AND heroin addiction... you certainly have done everything imaginable and then some... I admire you for getting up every morning.  Hugs and again, keep us posted.

[crumblingdad]

DD16 ran away last night and didn't return for her hearing.  Her mom and I attended - this was only an arraignment and the judge did grant a "hold and detain" order for her which is essentially a juvenile warrant.  Police are in search of her and have a list of her known acquaintances and when they find her will hold her for an immediate hearing with the judge.  We suspect she's with the 29 year old junkie pedophile errrr "boyfriend" but we aren't sure and he's been bouncing between 2-3 different locations as to where he's staying. If nothing else all her friends will be getting visits from law enforcement today while they try to find her.

Sadly here in NH the system requires parental responsibility till she turns 18 but the system itself stops recognizing kids as juveniles when they turn 17 which is a month away so they admittedly have limited time and resources as she will "age out" of most of the state's resources (which are few and very limited) but both the JPPO and detective involved said they will do everything they can to be creative and try to find ways to get her an effective treatment.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Healing4Ever]

Oh wow CD - I'm sorry to hear this. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers and hope for a safe resolution.  Hang in there and know that we care,


Michele

[qcarolr]

crumblingdad -- Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers, especially for the system to be aggressive in understanding her needs and finding the resources to meet them. Hope they find her quickly and she is safe.

qcr

[crumblingdad]

Shes been found by police and being held in the state's youth detention center pending hearing in front of judge (which we assume will be tomorrow). We have made a decision not to contact her while she's there unless she contacts us and that we will only be willing to converse to the point that we tell her we love her but cannot help her unless she is willing to get treatment.  Sadly we are hoping she is going to spend the night uncomfortably in a very scary place with no one reaching out to her and that it scares the hell out of her into wanting some help.

[qcarolr]

We have made a decision not to contact her while she's there unless she contacts us and that we will only be willing to converse to the point that we tell her we love her but cannot help her unless she is willing to get treatment.  Sadly we are hoping she is going to spend the night uncomfortably in a very scary place with no one reaching out to her and that it scares the hell out of her into wanting some help.

It may take more than one night to have an impact on your precious D. Are you prepared to allow the system to manage her care for a longer term? Perhaps an inpatient commitment may be what is needed for her to accept recovery - preferably a dual-dx program that provides for both the drug rehab and treatment of the underlying mental health issues. Where was the interventionist planning to take her? What are the options that your state or county offer? Do you have insurance that may assist with the costs?

Can you share where you and your family are in this process?

The other thing that comes to mind is your D knows she needs help, and it is too overwhelming for her to internally accept this. Her rejection of the intervention and running may be an indirect means for her to get the help she needs, and at some level wants. Most of all she needs your love no matter what the outcome.

It is such an emotional roller coaster for you right now. My heart is with you, and my prayers.

qcr

[MammaMia]

qcarolr and crumblingdad

My heart breaks for both of you and your families.  I, too, pray for safety and resolution for your children.

Such a hard place to be in.  Stay strong and let the system work. It is the best option right now.

[six]

crumbling

sending you prayers, love and support

hoping to hear good news from you tomorrow

[crumblingdad]

So things are starting to look more hopeful.  DD16 was held in YDC and her hearing was held Wednesday afternoon.  She pleaded with us to ask the judge not to keep her there and said she'd go to any treatment if it wasn't YDC - prosecutor and the JPPO both agreed if we found one they'd agree to ask judge to let her go if it was a detox/rehab treatment center.  Unfortunately Cottonwoods bed got taken so that wasn't an option and seemed every detox facility in New England had no beds so judge ordered her back to YDC until next Tuesday but said if we found a private treatment facility for her he'd accept a motion and sign it in the interim. 

I've spoken to DD16 twice since last night and she seems a little more stable and looks like her detox and withdrawals were somewhat mild but certainly uncomfortable.  I'm also glad she has had to face a facility like YDC for the last 48+ hours in hopes it does instill some fear of never wanting to return to a true detention center again.

Spent yesterday afternoon and last night doing an exhaustive search with the interventionist we used to find an acceptable dual diagnosis treatment facility.  Ruled out a few thru phone interviews and then found what we hope will be the answers to some of our prayers here. We got it down to Menninger Clinic in Houston, TX, Silver Hill in New Haven, CT and then we found out that Newport Academy out of California is opening a second facility in Northwestern side of Connecticut that houses 4 girls and is just opening.    They had one remaining bed and our interventionist and I each spent about an hour on the phone with the owner/founder of Newport last night and I was very impressed with his treatment program and handle on BPD.  Of the 3 facilities he seemed the most interested and optimistic for the complexities and severity of DD16's conditions and situation.  (almost seemed as if the other two facilities both felt hesitant and scared of her aggressive behavior and deregulation)


We got a motion signed by judge today after all this allowing me to pick her up at YDC tomorrow morning and transport her directly to Newport tomorrow where she will be for 60-90 days.

Shes going more out of a lesser of two evils and told me she feels "forced."  I had hoped she would go because she wanted the help from the intervention but any true dual diagnosis treatment is better then none and hoping and praying Newport can help her see a different viewpoint and she will make use of this.  It's unfortunately our last hope for treatment as I will be draining a fair amount of my retirement to pay for it unless insurance comes through and reimburses a fair amount of the cost.

So sad that in this day and age the only hope for help is only available to those with significant financial resources. 

Will update more as things progress as at this point I'm snake bitten from all the times we've lined up help that has fallen apart.  I'm still fearful of just the drive from YDC to Newport tomorrow that something could go wrong before we get her there but I think she is resigned to this as her only alternative other then YDC (which it is per court order).

Again thanks all for your support, thoughts and prayers.  This message board has been a godsend in terms of support, finding resources, and all your love and hope when things seem so hopeless.

Can only hope this has a good ending for our DD16 but also for others with family members that will be able to take something from this battle for their own benefit.

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Crumbling,

So happy everything is falling into place regarding the treatment facility.  I'm sending my best hopes that she will start to get a handle on everything and realize that she truly needs help.  You guys are doing such a great job staying strong and forcing her to get the help she needs.  I know you must be heartbroken and relieved at the same time.

Best of luck going forward!  Please give us an update when you get a chance

-crazed

[Healing4Ever]

Thank-you for the update CD - I've been hoping and praying for your family.  Keep up the great work, and I hope things go smoothly tomorrow.

H4E

[Someday . . .]

Crumbling Dad, first I want to say how my heart has gone out to you.  It certainly sounds as though you have gone the distance and then some.  I am so grateful and happy that it looks as though things may be headed in a direction that your daughter will get the help she needs.  I will certainly send good thoughts and prayers your way that she will be open and receptive to treatment.

I am glad that you chose the facility you did.  My daughter attended Silver Hill (in 2010) in the DBT unit - she REFUSED to go to the Dual Diagnosis.  My dd25 felt that there was a lot of down time at Silver Hill and not enough teaching/learning (just her opinion).   For me I have a lot of bad memories about Silver Hill.   Silver Hill was aware of my daughters drug addiction and when she started having migraines, (whenever she would smoke crystal meth it would give her migraines) believe it or not, but the psychiatrist gave her opiates, yes opiates - to a drug addict!   The psychiatrist gave her Percocet for the migraines and when my dd25 was discharged, the opiates would give her rebound migraines and that blossomed into a HUGE opiate addiction.   Which continued for 4 additional months and then we were able to send her to Sierra Tucson (LOTS MORE MONEY), to treat the opiate addiction that Silver Hill started.   :  ((    So, I am glad that you chose the other facility!

Best of luck to you, please keep us posted!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[six]

Thanks for the update, crumbling

looking forward to hearing more good news from you!

[mggt]

Dear Cumbling dad,  So glad you found a place for your daughter will continue to pray for all of you one day at a time mggt

[qcarolr]

crumblingdad - how did things go with the tranfer? Hoping that this provides some motivation for accepting changes within your D. You make so many sacrifices for her, and there is often so little appreciation. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr

[crumblingdad]

Quick update although very little to report.  I picked DD16 up at YDC on Friday morning and drove the 3-1/2 hours to Newport Academy.  DD was relatively regulated during the drive and talked my ear off which was good.  No true signs she wanted the help but there was some comments with some underlying hope that maybe she will participate.  We arrived and they did about a 2 hour intake with me getting more info and gave us both a tour of the facility.  As we were wrapping up DD16 requested she be able to take a walk with me and staff said no (I agreed with decision as this was code for I can't smoke here so I'm gonna get Dad to go for a walk so I can smoke one last cigarette).  The no set her off and she told me she didn't want to stay and would rather go back to YDC.  I told her it wasn't an option and said goodbye and staff got me out of there as fast as we could to avoid her getting to deregulated and wound up.

The school has a policy of no contact for 72 hours however DD called me Friday night and was upset I didn't bring some of her clothes and such that I missed and said she hated it there and needed to go back to YDC because "it sucks but it's the same crap everyday and easier and she didn't want to deal with this."  I told her no and staff later called for authorization for a nicotine patch and explained Connecticut has a regulation that requires youth be allowed to ca parents if they request it despite them advising against it.  Saturday night she called again and was very upset saying the food is all health food they don't allow sugar or anything sweet and it's stupid and it sucks.  She threatened she'd purposely go back to refusing food and her short stints she's had with eating disorders in past.  She said she wanted to speak to her attorney and demand she be transported to YDC and told me I could do it voluntarily or she'd get herself kicked out and go in shackles.  I held to the fact I wasn't coming to get her and explained this was her chance for a better opportunity at happiness and to please give it a chance.  She ended conversation saying the only way she'd remain sober is dead or in jail.

I spoke to the clinical director after and told her she may get aggressive by breaking things or attacking staff to get kicked out and they said they'd do their best to avoid that and seemed unphased.  We then put together a plan that they would text me or call me from a specific cell phone on staff so I know it's them calling instead of her or if they felt it was appropriate to take her call they'd let me know before she calls from now on.

This morning she called and I ignored call but she left a voice message saying she forgot yesterday was my birthday and told me she wished she had said happy birthday rather then telling me she'd only be sober if dead or in jail and wished me a belated birthday.  Truly brought some tears to my eyes.

So it remains to be seen whether she will comply anytime soon with the program or continue resisting but I've made it clear to Newport that it'll be over my dead body that she leaves unless they kick her out and there's no chance I'll agree to her pleas to return to ydc.

Will continue to hope and pray she comes around - what I do know is for the first time in the last 2-3 years i feel she's in the hands of a very competent staff and professionals who seem to have the competence to treat her if she becomes willing.

[mggt]

Dear crumbling,  Good news that your d is in a place where you feel comfortable I know how hard this is , know you are doing the right thing.  Stay strong and we will all be praying and sending positive energy your way Best of Luck mggt 

[Healing4Ever]

Dear CD,  Just letting you know I'm following your struggles and hoping something shifts for your daughter sooner than later. 

Not sure whether this helps or not - my Dad went rather unwillingly for treatment for alcoholism to an inpatient centre (my Mom threatened divorce, finally), and he spent the first 2 months grumbling and complaining and *hating* everything.  I was certain it wouldn't work.  It was so stressful for me - I lost that entire semester of university for the stress of if.  And then, somehow, miraculously, with just a couple of weeks left to his program, he just stopped complaining.  And I could slowly see that he was resigned and somewhat peaceful.  Once discharged, he never drank alcohol again.   I don't recall him ever saying anything overly positive - but it worked.

Anyways - I will continue to pray for you and your family,

H4E

[qcarolr]

Crumblingdad -  So glad you got your D there, and the staff is helping screen her calls to you. A difficult time for both of you, in different ways. Feeling some relief is OK - this one has been hard for me in the past.

Stick to it just as you are. Seems like the staff get it. It takes time for your D to become vulnerable in trust to accept what is being offered to her.

Thanks for the update.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

Dear crumblingdad,

You did the best you could for your d16.  You are being strong for her and your family.

Her complaints and fears are not outside the norm for teens placed in residential care, my d made many similar statements initially.  It is her fear and addiction talking at this time.

My d didn't begin to open herself up to the program and personal accountability/person power until the end of the first month.  Sadly, for many teens it can take much longer.

Some teens will up the ante when their tactics don't work, some will make accusations of abuse and neglect.

Trust in your choice of treatment facilities, be an advocate and partner with her and her treatment team.  Be open to all perspectives, ask questions and stay in wisemind.  Some facilities use tactics that we don't understand so it is important to be openminded in order to see the value in these tactics.  

I pray that you will be part of her recovery, I pray that you will learn the therapeutic language that they speak so that you can be a continued source of compassionate accountability for her and to her.  I pray that you will have the strength to overcome any fears that arise.  Your d needs you to be strong enough for both of you until she can stand strong on her own.

Continue to rest and heal knowing she is getting the best treatment you could facilitate for her.  Believe in her recovery and healing and let her know you believe in her ability to do the hard work that lies before her.

Be ready to forgive all past wrongs when she is sincerely regretful so that the future can look different from the past.

lbjnltx

[crumblingdad]

Got some good news last night.  DD called me 3x yesterday I finally answered last night and she apologized again for telling me she'd only be sober when she was dead and in prison and also wanted to let me know she would be "waiting to get herself kicked out" until after her 17th Birthday coming up Dec 8th.  When I asked why she was staying till then she informed me the founder/owner of Newport and her had a discussion Sunday about an autobiography she read and the author had been in and out of treatment most of his life for meth and heroin but relapsed numerous times.  She informed the owner that "she was just like that" and will never be able to stay sober and it's her destiny.  It so happened the owner had dinner with the author a few weeks ago and knows him.  He told her he's now clean and sober and asked if she'd be interested in him coming to speak to her on her birthday at the facility. She said "of course" and he informed her she would then have to stay till her birthday in order to see that.

Today got an update from the staff that she's still having moments but has been smiling some and in much better spirits.

Long road ahead but I couldn't be happier to hear she's showing some compliance already and truly taken back by the owner's genius and tremendously generous offer to connect with her like that. 

[six]

brilliant!

at least you can breath easy till December 8

that is a relatively long time

so much can happen in the meantime

hope you get a chance to decompress and take care of yourself and your family

[MammaMia]

Crumblingdad

That is awesome.  Your dd now has a personal mentor and a positive influence to follow.  I hope she meets the author and has an opportunity to speak with him/her. It could be a life-changing event.

Hang in there.  There will be bumps in the road ... .but every time a pothole is avoided is a huge.  

[qcarolr]

crumblingdad -

It can make such a difference when someone can get through that they really care -- that your DD is worth effort. These positive experiences, especially in a 'safe' place can have a long term impact.

You are a awesome dad - never giving up - keep on loving.

qcr

[crumblingdad]

Update on DD16 progress at Newport Academy:

This Friday and Saturday was a combo of parent orientation as well as their semi-weekly parent day on Saturday.

DD16 looks so much better after a week which is encouraging.  Her compliance has been a rollercoaster but she has been showing some limited signs of compliance which comes and goes.  Took a step backward Saturday as I mistakenly left vehicle unlocked and somehow she snuck over to it on a walk with others and got into it to steal her cigarettes she had left in glove compartment.  Got a call from director after we left Saturday that her and a new male resident were conspiring and walking outside to smoke and telling staff tough luck and defying rules on smoking several times. She finally gave up the cigarettes to director but they are working out how to overcome the issue.  She has made it a distraction since giving them up and refusing participation in school time at facility until they "let her have cigarettes and allow her to smoke."  They have a policy against e-cigs but they are thinking about relaxing that policy as a compromise just so they can refocus on bigger picture of where she needs help with her BPD, heroin addiction and sex addiction.

Friday and Saturday ended up being a lot of group sessions with the other parents of 2 other girls in facility.  We all shared our frustrations and struggles amongst us.  We covered the rules and had visits with the kids both Friday and Saturday.  They also brought in some other people Saturday morning to hold a make-shift al-anon group meeting to help and encourage us all to utilize al-anon and find resources for supporting ourselves.  We also all spent some time discussing and owning our own pieces to our children's recovery with a goal of working towards rewriting a new story rather then telling the stories of the past repeatedly.  Finally had a dinner with all the girls and residents as well as a group therapy session with parents and the children in the home for open discussions.  Our DD16 hates being center of discussion so was very limited involvement but it was a start.

At this point they've done psych evals with our DD16 and the psychiatrist and they also have multi-tier approach as they find multiple counselors can see stuff that maybe one individual can't.  She's involved in daily group time with other residents, four hours of school each day, she has a family counselor, recovery counselor, and a third counselor so she gets individual sessions with multiple psychologists.  They base everything thru a combo of DBT approach as well as 12-step but they don't consider themselves a DBT facility as they try to use the approach in a different manner so the kids don't get too caught up in the term "dbt" in case they've had negative experiences with it (like ours has).   They also have her attending both yoga and MMA weekly as well as taking them into town for 12 step meetings and have taken them to AA as well as Al-anon and Al-ateen meetings.  Equine therapy will also begin this week.  Nutrition is a big thing as well as they don't allow sugar and have a chef who prepares primarily organic meals and do a lot of nutrition counseling to help with eating disorders.

Again - our DD16 remains a big challenge for them as she is the most defiant and certainly up and down with compliance in various activities.  I'm still very concerned with her message that she insists she plans to relapse when she leaves.  However, I'm also cautiously optimistic and thrilled she has a place with competence and an opportunity and some hope - and most importantly is truly safe as long as she's there.

[qcarolr]

crumblingdad

Sounds like a really excellent place for your D. Give them time to work with her, and her time to experience all they are putting in front of her daily. The family support/involvment is so important, and this facility seems to really get this.

Thanks for the update.

How are you doing today?

qcr

[crumblingdad]

Thanks QCR - The relief of having her in a safe place always leaves me far more at peace.  Right now feeling a lot of relief she's in capable hands and enjoying the peace that comes with it.

Still remain very fearful and anxious of the results of all this (financially the retirement tank was emptied for this program so there's essentially no real financial resources left if it doesn't work) and what lies ahead for a plan when she leaves.  We've definitely decided that returning home given her circle of friends probably can't happen and we will work with Newport to figure out an outpatient plan - there's been talk of me moving as I doubt her mom can or will or maybe letting her move on her own and find a sober living arrangement.

So right now working on trying to let go a bit of "fixing things" and not focus on what lies ahead too much and control what I can and let the process run it's course.

[qcarolr]

How long will our D be able to stay in this program?

qcr

[crumblingdad]

I've paid for 60 days - it's generally a 45-90 day program and theyve gotten some initial approval from insurance so depending on what insurance pays I may be able to keep her there for 90 days.  They generally want the first 30 days to assess a gameplan on length of stay and outpatient before they say for sure.  My goal is to keep her there for as long as possible since it will only increase the likelihood of success.

[qcarolr]

 

qcr

[ConflictedxAMillion]

I am so happy for you.  I was wondering about you and your daughter.  I hope in time she will embrace all the efforts by you, her mom and the facility.

My daughter left for texas Saturday to go live with her boyfriends parents.  She too is a heroin addict.  She is in full withdrawals in a strange place with no family.  In the week before she left she broke into my parents apartment and stole money, she stole money from the bowling alley and from a longtime friend.  Today I found out that she got caught shoplifting at Walmart before she left and she admitted to the cops that she broke into my parents apartment.  So I imagine they will file charges on that.  She was supposed to call the States Attorney here in VT and give them permission to talk to me.  But since that conversation she is no longer returning calls or texts and I don't believe she contacted the States Attorney.

Maybe my D needs the legal action that your D got.  Maybe I should step back as you did a little and maybe the same may happen for us.  My D is 21 though, so it kills me to know that these charges will follow her the rest of her life.

I wish you continued improvements with your D and her participation in the program.  I will be thinking of you and her.  Keep posting, I find your postings give me hope, and can only imagine it does for others as well.  Thanks for that.

[crumblingdad]

Just a brief update (really it'll be brief this time   )

Have only spoken to DD16 a few times in the last week.  Her mom went today for family counseling/visitation day.  They offer it every two weeks on Saturday but we wanted to go to those both separate and together to allow working on individual issues our DD has with each of us as well as those we have together being divorced but co-parenting. So I go every two weeks on Saturday and her mom goes every four on Saturdays and inserts every four on Mondays so there is a mix of us going alone and together.

She is still non-compliant with a lot at Newport.  My insurance is balking because of the non-compliance and did a utilization review last Friday.  They said they'd only agree to cover anything for another week to see if compliance improved and if it didn't they have suggested she be sent to a wilderness program for 30 days then returned to Newport after.

I'm not sure how I feel about this as their has really been little or no real evidence that supports wilderness programs as effective for BPD...  Her mom came back today feeling she is continuing to improve despite her non-compliance and did partake in their family counseling as well as school today and said she's saying some things that are encouraging.

I will be visiting this Saturday so hopefully her compliance improves dramatically this week so we aren't faced with the decision of sending her off to wilderness program in the midst of Newport's program.

[Phoenix.Rising]

crumblingdad,

I'm thrilled to hear your daughter is in a safe environment.  I'm hoping the best for you and your family.  Your love, courage, and determination shines through in your words.  You must feel exhausted at times, but keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You are in my prayers.

Phoenix.Rising

[lbjnltx]

I'm not sure how I feel about this as their has really been little or no real evidence that supports wilderness programs as effective for BPD...  Her mom came back today feeling she is continuing to improve despite her non-compliance and did partake in their family counseling as well as school today and said she's saying some things that are encouraging.

I will be visiting this Saturday so hopefully her compliance improves dramatically this week so we aren't faced with the decision of sending her off to wilderness program in the midst of Newport's program.

Thanks for updating crumblingdad.

I agree that wilderness isn't the most effective therapeutic environment for pwBPD.  I also recognize that it can be a highly effective first step in preparing for residential treatment.  Reliance on others, team work, and learning that one has the strength within to survive and accomplish much is valuable.  The wilderness experience can break through the tough outer covering in a short time, RTC may be able to accomplish this as well... .and it can take up valuable time.

It's hard to know what the right thing to do is... .

[crumblingdad]

Visited DD16 this weekend for their parent weekend they hold every two weeks (she has now been there 3 full weeks).

Had a Al-anon meeting on Saturday that they hold for parents first off then got into discussions on plans for when it's time to discharge.  We all agreed we don't have a good plan right now for DD16.  We also did a open family group counseling session with the 2 other families and all 5 girls in the facility.  It's an interesting dynamic.  Our dd got angry during it and stormed outside but they had me go outside to discuss with her and she explained she was anxious due to something a counselor said.  She calmed down quickly, I used some validating comments as wshe explained her feelings and then waited a few minutes and politely asked her to try coming back in and just sitting through remainder of the group session.  She did and the remainder went without incident.  The two of us then had a family counseling session with their family therapist which also went really well.

This was the first week she complied the entire week so it was a very good week overall.

She still isn't sure if she wants to stay sober but she's being honest about it so that's all we can ask and she is now participating in activities and group sessions as well as the schooling piece.  So wilderness idea has been pushed to the wayside for now and she moved from the level 0 you enter facility up to level one on Saturday when I got there.  So she is now allowed make-up and they don't allow sugar for most part but she had committed to getting to level one in exchange for a few snickers bars as a treat.  Her new bargaining is for an e-cig and director is open to discussing with the owner to make an exception for her since her desire to smoke cigs is such a distraction and would rather keep focus on bigger and better things.


  They removed the two males they had in the facility to their California facility as they try to keep them segregated but since CT location is new they are still building a seperate building for the boys and were trying to keep a few in same house.  It became too much of a distraction and with them leaving it's helped our daughter with compliance.  She had snuck out several times to smoke cigarettes with one in previous week as well as snuck to his room at night twice to have sex so they shipped them to california and won't allow any more males until the seperate building is completed due to the distractions it caused.

So the future remains uncertain, and no clue what that looks like.  The staff and the program are excellent and are really connecting and handling things constructively as well as anyone has with our DD.  They've encouraged us to attend Al-Anon meetings while she's there which I've been starting to do. That has been helpful in learning to let things take their course and learning to be able to detach with love when it's necessary and appropriate and take things one day at a time.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I used some validating comments as wshe explained her feelings and then waited a few minutes and politely asked her to try coming back in and just sitting through remainder of the group session.  She did and the remainder went without incident. 

This is good stuff!  I remember when I first noticed that using validation can change the dynamics.  It was a big eye opener.  I think pwBPD feel misunderstood most of the time, and the reality is that they probably are.  Their 'reality' is often based on their feeling states, which are usually quite different from our's.

Al-Anon is a wonderful program, in my opinion.  I learned a lot about acceptance, letting go, and the importance of taking care of me in Al-Anon.  I hope you are taking time for you as well, Crumblingdad.  Baby steps... one step at a time. 

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks so much for the update, crumblingdad 

It sounds like your daughter is a hard nut to crack, but it also seems like this facility has a handle on that, and is doing a great job with her. Do you have any idea how long she may be there, or is it dependent on her progress, or your Insurance Company, or something else? I'm glad the boys are gone now (what a distraction! Geesh... .), and I'm sure your daughter isn't the only patient there who is now benefitting from the change 

It also sounds like you are learning a lot from this Family Therapy, and this Program seems to be very astute and inclusive; good going! I'm glad you are all involved and working on this; for your daughter to continue the recovery process once she's out of the Program, it will be imperative for you--her parents--to be on the same page and doing the right things. When she is discharged they will probably give you a recovery plan to follow, and contacts for help if you need it.

After my BPDson36's stay at his Dual Diagnosis Program, he got better and better every day (he's now almost 9 months clean and sober from Heroin and all other drugs and alcohol!), but it did/does take the cooperation of the whole family for this to happen. You are doing all the right things, and coming here and keeping us in the loop can only support and help you. Thanks again for this update, crumblingdad!

[Someday . . .]

I'm so glad to hear that things are steadily improving.  I agree that Al-anon is amazing. . since your daughter has more of a drug addiction than alcohol addiction, have you thought of going to Nar-anon?  You can always google it and see if there is a meeting near you.    For me, it was easier to connect with others who had a family member who had drug addictions rather than ones going through alcohol addictions.

[crumblingdad]

I'm so glad to hear that things are steadily improving.  I agree that Al-anon is amazing. . since your daughter has more of a drug addiction than alcohol addiction, have you thought of going to Nar-anon?  You can always google it and see if there is a meeting near you.    For me, it was easier to connect with others who had a family member who had drug addictions rather than ones going through alcohol addictions.

I've been seeking a nar-anon group and would rather do that but they are scarce in my area.  The closest one to my home is an hour away on a night I'm usually traveling for work. So I've been monitoring their meeting boards since I travel for work but have yet to find one in a place that is local to where I'm working on the right night. 

[crumblingdad]

So I went off the BPD Family board grid for the last week or so - I will say the reprieve of DD16 being in RTC has allowed me to be able to "escape" after the last 3 years of constant stress, at least some.   So haven't logged on in a bit.

Hopefully this update isn't too long winded… but I anticipate it might be   My apologies in advance.

Tomorrow our DD16 will be DD17.  Today was also parent weekend and may have been the most moving day I've experienced since this journey began 3-4 years ago with our DD's struggles with BPD and addiction.

As I mentioned before the CEO/Founder, Jameson Monroe, of Newport Academy where she is had a conversation with our DD on her first few days there and she had asked him if he knew who Nic Sheff was and he said yes.  Our DD was non compliant and didn't want any part of an RTC, rehab, or mental health help.  She explained she was going to be just like him as she saw him as an icon that she identified with and he relapsed numerous times with his addiction. Jameson said, well if I got him to come speak on your birthday would you like that and she replied, "of course."  He then said "well you'll have to stay here till your birthday then" and this was a major turning point in her first few days there of deciding she'd be willing to stay.

So Newport made it happen and today Nic Sheff came to the facility to speak.  For those who don't know he is the author of "Tweaked" and "We all Fall Down" which cover his journeys through addiction and his father, David Sheff, wrote from a father's perspective "A Beautiful Boy" (which I highly recommend for any parents on the board with kids suffering addiction - although I highly recommend all 3 if you've got a loved one facing addiction). When our DD said all this she had no idea Nic was sober and thought he was still in relapse.  He's been clean and sober for going on 6 years now and speaks regularly around the country to teens about addiction and recovery.

He came and spoke of his story and his experiences with RTC's and rehabs and the puzzle of recovery for himself.  It was inspiring and amazing.  He also took the time to sit down with our DD for at least 20 minutes where she spoke to him candidly that she wasn't sure she could commit to sobriety and the way they connected. The encouragement he gave her to stay sober was just amazing. He's asked her to stay in touch after she leaves Newport and wants to maintain contact to see how she does.  She admitted to him she didn't realize he was sober when this all began and he said, "well sorry to disappoint you and laughed and she commented, "no don't be sorry because if you can do it maybe I actually can too."  

As for the program she's had some major advances, she broke down during group meeting with all the parents and girls in the program today and communicated all the guilt she feels for not making use of all the opportunity she's had to work on herself and how she had planned to kill herself the week she got arrested by overdosing on heroin.  She detailed her plans to shoot it into her neck and that she knew where a dealers stash was that she intended to steal to take enough to be sure it killed her.  She feels she has taken the opportunity and love and support all for granted.  

There are truly signs she's really making efforts and staff says she's been compliant for about 2-3 weeks consecutively and participating with only occasional hiccups.

She's never been given a true diagnosis of BPD and I've known without doubt for at least 6-8 months but at Newport no one has acknowledged it for certain as a diagnosis until today.  Her recovery counselor spoke to me and said in passing how I was right about her BPD and I said, "what? wait? no one has acknowledged this as a diagnosis to me?"  She explained that it's not something they focus on as they don't typically even tell the kids in program of the diagnosis.  They'd rather focus on the therapy and recovery rather then letting them get caught up on a diagnosis or terminology and so as a result it's not openly discussed.  The staff knows and understands the complexities of BPD and her diagnosis and they are working on treating it accordingly.  It was somewhat of a relief to finally have a professional validate what I've known for so long and a diagnosis I've discussed and been met with so much resistance too outside of Newport.

Overall I'm more hopeful then I've been in years, it's a long uncertain road ahead still. A few months ago I didn't expect my DD to be alive for her 17th birthday yet tomorrow morning I'll be returning to Newport with her sister, nephew and grandmother to see her again.

I must say, without all of the support here on bpdfamily that helped me understand the chaos of BPD and guide me to resources to get her help along with the amazing family and friends who've supported us and some incredible people like Jameson Monroe and the Newport Staff along with loving caring individuals like Nic Sheff who flew across the country to help our DD there's no way she'd be alive today.  


Thank you to all of you here at bpdfamily - hopefully things continue to head in the right direction and I can someday pay it all forward.  I do believe their truly is hope for all our loved ones with this terribly complicated illness and when I came to the board hope was not an emotion I could comprehend.

[qcarolr]

Crumblingdad

Thanks so much for this update of hope. It is awesome the family support your DD has, and they are there for you too. It is complex and seems to impact our kids in so many different ways as they learn ways to survive the chaos. So glad your DD seems to be finding a new path.

qcr

[Phoenix.Rising]

I hear progress, Crumblingdad.   

Happy    to you and your family.

[Someday . . .]

Crumbling Dad, I am soo happy and thrilled for you that your daughter is beginning to get with the program and seeing hope!   That is phenomenal that the facility arranged for Nic Sheff (?) to give a talk on his journey with addiction, and equally amazing that he has been clean and sober for six years and your daughter wasn't aware of that, which resulted in an incredible message for her.  I imagine that your daughter got a LOT out of that talk, plus the personal conversation she had with him afterwards.  I can't say how happy I am that she's currently in an emotionally better place!   

I look forward to your updates, and so glad that you are having a bit of a respite.  May all continue to go well . . .

[raytamtay3]

Crumbingdad - You give me hope.  Aside from the heroin use (DD14 uses marjuana and tested postive for cocaine which she insists was in the marjiana she spoked), our stories are very similiar. Please keep us updated on your progress.  ONE of My DD's court dates is next month and I'm requesting a court order for a RTC.

[crumblingdad]

Been a while so time for an update.  Unfortunately not where we hoped things would be at.  DD17 has now been in Newport for about 65 days.  Things have been up and down and she showed signs of great improvement which sort of came to a halt just before Christmas.  We and staff decided to send her to their California facility on Christmas Eve with the hopes of getting her into sober living as they have better outpatient program around Cali facility and a sober living facility that will take 17 year olds.  She did take her GED while in CT facility.    Things were looking a bit optimistic but last Friday she decided she didn't want to do it anymore and ranaway with another girl from their Cali facility.  They tracked her down within 5 or 6 hours.  However, girl she ran came back with a positive drug test and our DD refused to take the test so we consider that a positive test.

Since it's not a locked facility they are concerned that she's now not complying again and will run again.  As a result they are recommending we move her into a longer term RTC and have recommended hiring a transporter to take her to Willow Creek RTC in Reno, NV.

Just got this news today.  Seems keeping her alive is better then dead and if she relapses she likely won't survive at this point and the risk of her running away in Orange County, CA more then 3000 miles from home is unnerving.

Anyone with any experience with Willow Creek?

[mggt]

DEar Crumb,  So sad to hear the news I was wondering and hoping things were well.  I have no info on new place you are sending her but I wanted to wish you all the luck and prayers in the world your a great Dad.  One minute at a time 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Crumblingdad,

I do not have experience with Willow Creek, but I wanted to offer my continued emotional support.  You are doing a great job!  One of the first thoughts I had when you said it's likely your daughter relapsed on drugs was that relapse in drug addiction recovery is more common than not.  Oftentimes it takes several relapses before sobriety 'takes'.  I know because I've seen this first hand over and over.  Ultimately, your daughter will have to make the decision herself, but you providing a facility for her is a huge help.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  How are you taking care of yourself?

[crumblingdad]

I've been taking pretty decent care of self - she's in a safe place and I attend both Al-anon and Nar-anon meetings pretty consistently and working the steps.

So Willow-Creek is now ruled out as insurance won't cover it.  They've made 3 more recommendations since, I all but lost it on 2 after finding some pretty damning reviews on 2 of the 3.

Diamond Ranch I rejected due to the dirt piles of stuff you can find on that program using peer intimidation and complaints of abuse and restraint.  Spring Ridge also rejected - in fact after I sent them info I found on both they were very apologetic they recommended it and pulled it from their lists of places.  We are looking at maybe Clearview Horizons in Montana but I'm taking issue with some of the policies.  They only allow family visits every 4 months and expect a 12-18 month enrollment.  Sorry but I have some real doubts with any facility that won't allow parents to see their kids for 4 months at a time - seems to me the family work is essential and isolating parents I can't see benefiting her and if anything, could add to abandonment issues.

I've countered with Newport's staff that if moving her is what we need to do maybe  90 days at Cottonwoods De Tuscon is the way to go and hoping if we tried that she'll be ready for sober living after rather then a long term RTC like some of the places they've suggested.    I was originally going to send her to Cottonwood at intervention in October but she refused and when faced with Detention Center and she agreed they had filled all their beds so she went to Newport instead.


Needless to say things are in a state of limbo and it's incredibly frustrating trying to figure out what will be best.  What I do know is she is going to flip out when she realizes she is going to be in RTC beyond February so not looking forward to that but trying to just keep in mind the tough decisions are often the best ones and I'd rather she be mad and hate me for a few months then dead on the streets with a needle in her arm.

[qcarolr]

Needless to say things are in a state of limbo and it's incredibly frustrating trying to figure out what will be best.  What I do know is she is going to flip out when she realizes she is going to be in RTC beyond February so not looking forward to that but trying to just keep in mind the tough decisions are often the best ones and I'd rather she be mad and hate me for a few months then dead on the streets with a needle in her arm.

I so get this part - the greatest desire is to keep our kids alive so they have the chances to change. You are staying on top of the suggestions. Your D is so lucky to have your love and care in all this. Maybe one day she will be able to acknowledge this to you.

Hang in there. Thanks for the update.

qcr

[crumblingdad]

Well I should know better this weekend as I am flying to California to see our DD17 tonight and spend some time with her tomorrow as well as do some family counseling at Newport Academy.

The last week has been a bit of a rollercoaster as they have made something like 5 or 6 suggestions for other facilities.  I have essentially found issues that I don't think make sense with all of them for our DD.  They suggested a "educational consultant" who does this stuff for me to speak to who's very experienced yesterday.  We spent an hour or two going over the option of sending her to a working ranch in Nevada.  However, after giving her my insight on my daughter she suggested "why don't you take what you have for insurance money being reimbursed so far to extend her stay at Newport? Then put her in their intensive outpatient program have her attend classes at a community college and transition into sober living out there since they have such an amazing outpatient program?"  I explained that was the original intent but they are afraid that she needs longer term and I said what about the ranch that I was iffy about.  She said, based on what we discussed her top recommendation is another 30-60 days at newport then transition to IOP and Sober living (she's very tight with their admissions director so told me to call her and let her know that's her recommendation).  So I spent time with her on phone last night which led to me being on phone with Jameson their founder and owner and they said if that's what I want to do let's do it.  I asked them to review with treatment team and be sure they didn't think I was completely off base.  My fear is moving her from one of the best programs in country to a lesser program long term could easily be as counter productive as anything and undo all the progress we've made. 

Over last few weeks my DD has turned corner and made a lot of comments since she ranaway she now sees she needs to step up her game and focus on herself not just her addiction issues.

She called after I got off phone with Jameson at Newport last night and said ":)ad when you come Saturday can you bring me something?"  I said sure what?  She replied, "I can't believe I'm saying this, no maybe I don't want this and if I tell you you'll get it but I don't know."  I said what?  She said "I was gonna have you get me a DBT workbook."   

I truly think she's turning a corner and maybe I'm wrong but I think the potential she is empowered by IOP and sober living might give her a shot.  If she relapses and falls apart we still all did the best we can and she'll be 18 in 10 months.  At some point she has to want this and do it on her own and locking her away in another facility to start over with new staff feels more damaging then constructive.

All i know is I feel good about following my instincts over the last week or so and I also am absolutely thrilled to get on a 6hr plane ride and go see my DD17 for the first time since Dec 23rd this weekend.

And thanks to all of you who have been such a great support for me to vent to and share the journey with throughout.


(PS I've learned there is a lot of really shady crap programs out there that want our money and wouldn't hesitate to take advantage of our children's illness with little true therapeutic value and solely as a source of profit.  I hope anyone who reads this will be VERY careful and scour the internet and scour resources to check places out so they find truly valuable RTC's.)

[Rapt Reader]

crumblingdad, this sounds so good! I agree with you that this plan sounds like the right one; you got the validation from the educational consultant and there really is value to your daughter being in the place where she's already fairly comfortable and showing progress. Her being comfortable with the Staff there is also good.

You've really been a rock for your family in this, and I think you are doing a great job. Hang in there; it sounds like she's getting better in a slow and steady way... . TLCs sometimes are the way to go for some of our children. Then when they are in recovery, they have the background to keep taking those careful little baby steps in a continuous way. May the recovery continue... .

[raytamtay3]

Awesome news! And I agree, it sounds like your DD is starting come around. I hope I'm as lucky with mine. 

[jellibeans]

Dear Crumblingdad

I just found this post and read the whole thing mostly with tears rolling down my face... . what a battle you have fought on behalf of your dd... . I wanted to wish your family well... . things have come so far for you all. Thank you for sharing your journey

[qcarolr]

Hoping with you for a good visit. Sounds like a good plan to stay and do the IOP and sober living. She does have to take responsibility in a structured environment to continue to move forward. What is the plan if she has a major setback in the outpatient program -- ie. plan B  to get her back into plan A?

qcr

[Phoenix.Rising]

Sending positive thoughts your way, Crumblingdad.

[crumblingdad]

The visit almost 2 weeks ago went fantastic.  Our dd is as regulated as I've ever seen her.  Had a great family therapy session with her and she's truly committed to sobriety and anxious to transition into a sober living but being very realistic that she has more work to do.  Brought me out to their horses that they use for equine therapy as well as a pig they take care of.  She said she'd never participate in equine therapy and hated horses prior to going but now speaks of one like it's her best friend and discusses the relationship they've developed.

Such an uplifting visit.

Got the word today that her mothers visit this last weekend went really well also and when I return this weekend they will be doing her "intensive" with me and her which is basically a day we spend where she reads her 10 biggest lies from prior to RTC and a autobiography she wrote along with spelling out the details of her discharge plan to sober living.  She passed her GED in their CT facility and just got accepted to a local community college so will be doing intensive outpatient, some college classes and sober living hopefully before February is over.

So glad we didn't put her in a longer term facility and that Newport has been so accommodating and inclusive of the family and our opinions and thoughts on her recovery to work at it as a team approach like they have.   

They also said this weekend I'll be doing an equine therapy session with her and afterward they are going to schedule me to take her off campus for an AA meeting and we can go to dinner!  This will be the first time our DD has been allowed off campus since her brief visit to detention center on October 29th and the transport to Newport on Nov 1st.

Trying not to get overly excited as still a lot of transition and work to do and trying to live in the moment but whoosh could cry with joy over the last 2-3 weeks.

[MammaMia]

Crumblingdad

THAT IS AWESOME!

[Rapt Reader]

Oh, crumblingdad 

I'm so very happy to hear about your daughter's progress!

It's wonderful to see it, feel it, and love it as you do.

You, she and your family deserve it. What good news tonight!

Thanks for letting us know 

[mggt]

Dear Crumblingdad .  WOOHOO so happy for you

[Someday . . .]

I am so incredibly happy for you and your daughter!  It's amazing how things how turned a full 180. . and I agree that the facility has done a fantastic job of getting your daughter on board with her treatment. 

May I offer one piece of advice from someone who has gone through a similar situation?  Try, try, try, to continue treatment (that doesn't mean for her to stay in the facility forever, it means support such as DBT therapy/therapist )for as long as possible.   In my/our situation once there was a very short lull in my dd25's treatment and it did not take long at all for things to begin a slow descent back to where she was.

In the meantime, I am ecstatic that things have improved to the place they are now!

[crumblingdad]

Someday - I agree and Newport puts them into an intensive outpatient program which is why she transferred to California from CT facility since the resources for outpatient are more extensive out there.  They generally want the "transition" with outpatient and sober living to last 18-36 months so it's not a short term thing.  Seems I remember them pointing out that relapse rates drop from 95%  into single digits for those that stay in outpatient and sober living for at least 2 years.  And as much resources there are around OC and LA it's also a very large area for an addict to get swallowed up into the Hollywood homeless street kid population if a relapse occurred so the next steps will be critical in the necessary treatment to keep  her focused and on track.

But yes just about 90 days ago our dd17 informed me had she not gone to detention centre that week she was planning suicide and told me details of how she planned to steal her dealers stash and shoot heroin into her neck.  So simply a miracle in my eyes from complete deregulation and detoxing in juvenile detention center and being shackled into court to even the opportunity at a life. 

I give her 100% of the credit as she is doing this with such an incredible amount of hard work and perseverance.

[raytamtay3]

Yet another poster who gives me hope! Awesome news! 

[jellibeans]

once again I have tears in my eyes... . so happy to read your post.

[peaceplease]

crunblingdad,

I just read this entire thread, and I am so happy that your dd is really progressing.  God bless you for all of your perseverance!   You have done all that you can.  Great job!

Kudos to your dd!

peaceplease

. 

[crumblingdad]

Well the visit this weekend went relatively well with only one real snag.  Friday we did her "intensive" which involved her reading her 10 biggest lies, 10 consequences she's faced due to her addictions.  She also read her autobiography but felt she needed to skip details of her rape because she didn't feel I could handle it.

It was an emotional session Friday but nothing I hadn't known already or wasn't prepared for.

This morning which was many hours ago we started the day doing an equine therapy session which was great.  she's truly connected with one of the horses (a once wild mustang that was captured and  is the wilder of their two horses for equine).  They had us connect as one to do some stuff with the horse which was an interesting project and then process how it went after which gave some insight into our relationship and the work on continuing to build on issues we've worked on as well as trust.

After that we had a pass for her to leave the RTC and went to tour a potential sober living - This didn't go so well. The lady showing us said they have no beds for 30-60 days and our DD feels that once intensive is done it's typically 7-10 days and no way is she waiting another month.  She got pretty upset and asked to leave so she didn't end up being rude.  Which that was great progress for her as although she couldn't process possibility of being in RTC for another 30 days she communicated her emotions rather then flipping out.  We then drove up to LA and on the way she was upset and feeling there would be no other options and wanted to just come home.  I said no and she ended up calling one of the staff from the RTC who immediately was able to calm her. 

She asked we go drive through Skid Row and said she wanted to see it so she could be humbled and remind herself of how lucky she is to be where she's at right now.  I agreed and she got very sad and spoke of how she'd like to help all the homeless people there (nearly crying).  I explained she could help many if she stays sober and puts her energy in productive causes.  She said "I know" and smiled.  Grabbed a bite to eat and got her hair colored at a salon and then went back.  I'll be returning next weekend for a family weekend there and hopefully will have some different sober living options lined up.

All in all she's progressing well and has come so far yet there are still some clear challenges and obstacles and plenty of hard work still ahead.

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Crumbling,

It is so wonderful that your daughter has made such huge progress.  Look at her being told no and not falling apart.  Her reaction was extremely reasonable and spot-on.  I'd be mad too if someone told me I was going to have to spend another 30 days where I didn't want to be.  She spoke up for herself without being rude.  Thanks so much for sharing your story!

-crazed

[jellibeans]

dear crumblingdad

What a journey! I am happy to hear your dd is doing well. Thank you for sharing your story.

Can I just add that I read one of the articles here that warned about making too big of a deal about improvements... . I think this is the article

Family Guidelines

I hope I am not raining on your parade but I do think it is important to be supportive but realize what your dd limitations are... . I do think sometimes when we see improvement there is the tendacy to think they are cured or doing fanstatic... . think they can sense that and something that can cause set backs or relapses. I hope that is not the case for your dd and she conintues to improve.

[P.F.Change]

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