What does "healed" or "healing" mean to you.

[alliance]

I am getting confused as to what constitutes real healing vs just reaching another rung on the ladder of healing.

Kind of hard to explain this.

I have had experiences where I have gained a greater understanding of borderline behavior, of the BPD/non dance, of the dysfunctional dynamics, of my own issues etc.

All of these understandings were pretty intellectual in nature. I had the right words, could size things up better, recite atrocities and all, but my emotions/feelings were lagging behind my intellect.

In spite of all the new knowledge, when I had the courage to be honest with myself, I knew a part of me still hoped for a reconciliation; I still tore apart verbal and non verbal communication looking for messages that were never there; I mistook the effects of ptsd as being able to "feel her"; I wanted her new relationships to fail so I would be validated as not being the cause of what ailed her; I had a lot of revenge fantasies.

IT (BPD) was still controlling and influencing me, even tho we were no longer together. My intellect was saying the right things but my feelings knew it was all a lie, a performance, maybe faking it til you make it kind of thing.

For example, am I really healing when I am thinking and saying things like... .my new gf is prettier and smarter? Or, am I trying to make myself feel better about me and look better in the eyes of my ex?  If I was really healed, would my ex even figure in the thought process? I don't think so.

These days, I see and feel a different me. It is a more relaxed and peaceful me. It is a me that occasionally thinks about her but isn't obsessed with her, what happened between us, and what she is doing.

Its a me who can say it's about me now and mean it. It is what I need, what I want, what I prefer... .my decisions for me. It is me who can enjoy the company of new romantic interests. I can see the "little" things people do that make me feel special in a connected, growing kind of way. I can see myself as less hesitant to risk being open and honest. I feel free in a way I haven't felt in a long time.

Can anyone else relate to this?

[DragoN]

If I was really healed, would my ex even figure in the thought process?

I don't care about his opinion now in past or future wrt my partners. I don't know if that factors into healing per se.

I think healing is more about being content with yourself in your own company and being emotionally ready to create a loving r/s with another if the right person is there. Want vs. Need.

[snappafcw]

I don't know to be honest I am not there yet.

However I have moved on from wanting my ex back. I know she was sick but that doesn't excuse her selfishness or behaviour. In saying that I wish her happiness... .

I still have a void in my heart I need to fill. I am very lonely away from my job and I also need to learn how to trust again and right now it feels difficult. I still feel sadness but not all the time and when I do I embrace those feelings and at least now my sorrow doesn't stop me from doing things for me. Well not all the time anyway.

[fromheeltoheal]

Its a me who can say it's about me now and mean it. It is what I need, what I want, what I prefer... .my decisions for me. It is me who can enjoy the company of new romantic interests. I can see the "little" things people do that make me feel special in a connected, growing kind of way. I can see myself as less hesitant to risk being open and honest. I feel free in a way I haven't felt in a long time.

I could have written those words, and you sound pretty healed to me, if you live those words most of the time.  The other piece is I don't think about my borderline ex very often, and when I do I think of a sick one, not a mean one, and the reason we were together was because it was time to learn things about myself that I either had been denying or they were repressed so deep that I couldn't see them.  The pain of borderline hell made them undeniable, and growing through the awareness of them is healing to me.

[Ironmanrises]

What does "healed" or "healing" mean to you... .?

Well for me... .

When I am fully healed... .

As I am still healing slowly... .

I will be able to say this... .



Without looking back.

There is no other choice.

[ucmeicu2]

I am getting confused as to what constitutes real healing vs just reaching another rung on the ladder of healing. <cut>

Can anyone else relate to this?

oh yes, i can relate.  i could have written your post.

for me, i used to think of "healed" as a destination at which to arrive.

now i think of it more as a process.  and, yeah, maybe it is a process that lasts a lifetime.  and i'm ok with that.  after all, with each rung of the ladder i am more comfortable in my own skin.

i can't really quantify it for you, but since you asked, i'd say it sounds to me like you're doing fine.

[LynnieRe]

I think that healing just means being willing to work on letting go.  As others have said, it's a process.  It's not a linear process, it's like grief.  I think about my BPD ex every day.  Some days I'm angry, some days I laugh, and some days I'm sad.  The worst days, though are when I have to speak to him about our child.  I am literally nauseated and anxious the whole time and when I have to go see him I literally get sick.  It's my body's instinct that this is not where and with whom I should be.  By the end of this last round of our relationship, I was sick, I was broke, and my child was a stranger in a psych hospital.  I am now healthier, I have money in the bank, last night I heard my daughter giggling with friends.  I can now make plans with friends without being afraid.  I can now do ANYTHING without being afraid.

Every little step toward "normalcy" such as my daughter attending a school dance, or my being able to have friends over is a step toward healing on the outside.  Every step toward that life results in a step of feeling "healed."

[RecycledNoMore]

I am only just realising how big this all is.Its been 5 days NC(I had to get a restraining order), Ive never really had a chance to look at myself and how ive been affected.I missed a call from my boss and listened to my messages, there were msgs from the ex, screaming, bellowing down the phone, " im guna get u, u b****, u w****, efn s***,I was left shaken,nauseous,I could literally feel myself curling up,god I never knew how he was affecting me, I blocked it out,I remember I always used to have a sore neck, he was literaly- a pain in the neck,the neck pain has vanished,and im able to stand a little taller, my mind however is a different story,im afraid of not being able to say no when he comes to recycle me, its happend before, maybe not, ive never made it this far... .

Ive got to keep learning about me, building confidence,just posting is healing for me,im so tired of hiding.

Healing,letting go,baby steps.

[DragoN]

I am literally nauseated and anxious the whole time and when I have to go see him I literally get sick.  It's my body's instinct that this is not where and with whom I should be.  By the end of this last round of our relationship, I was sick

This^^

IMF, the picture of the girl walking into the sun... .I like it. That's going to be me, straight into the sun and I don't care if I burn up. I can't do Round #3. I won't.

[babyducks]

   Alliance,

Nice to bump into you again on these boards. 

I think LynnieRe said it for me.   Healing is not a linear process.   And its impacted by all the other flotsam and jetsam rolling through my life.   So I do bounce around some in the process.

I have not really had the luxury of going no contact from my EX.   She has joined several organizations I am a member of.   And in social situations I have chosen to speak to her rather than make a scene.   

I second guess my decisions and my feelings when it comes to her, still.   Part of it, I think is training like Pavlov's dogs.  When we were together I second guessed and over analyzed everything trying to create a healthy normal relationship.   Perhaps that was the by product of the dichotomy of a loving relationship also being an abusive relationship.

I think healing for me will be when I can see her and not be either twisted inside out or launched back into the bad place of crippling self doubt. 

I think healing is creating/recreating the ego strength to say, what happened was okay,... where I am now is okay,... I am all right,... .and seeing her does nothing to my emotional state.

I have had moments of being that way.   I have also had moments of slipping back into the pit of telling myself things are not all right.   

I am thinking we both might be being a little harsh on ourselves.   Over there on the right --> it says Freedom is when thinking about your loss doesn't interfere with your normal feelings of well-being.   Well thinking I can do,... the actual seeing and talking is hit and miss.   

babyducks