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Author Topic: how to deal with the "silent treatment"  (Read 674 times)
2girls3canines

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« on: October 28, 2013, 01:08:22 PM »

my 17yo dd is known for the "silent treatment". if there is a problem, if she gets in trouble, if she just doesn't want to acknowledge us - she starts being silent... It begins with "give me a few minutes so I can calm down", but that isn't really what she wants... her intention seems to be to avoid communication of all types until she is ready to move on or thinks we have forgotten the topic.

she will drag it out for hours, even days, before she is ready to interact with us again. And then she doesn't want to go back to the topic - just move one as if it never happened…

she doesn't do homework, shower, eat with us, take care of her dog, often refuses to attend prescheduled events like therapy, practices, etc... she just sleeps or sits quietly in her room… doesn't even watch TV. We do usually take the phone, hoping that preventing her access to social media will eventually bore her out of being silent.

How do you guys deal with the silent treatment? Do we just continue to wait it out, is there a way we can help shorten these episodes?

Thanks so much!
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
brillo

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« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2013, 02:00:33 PM »

If someone has some advice for this, I'd sure like to hear it.

My BPD DIL hides under the covers for days on end.  She has mostly been giving us the silent treatment since the first week of July.  This has extended to our grandkids - they've had no ability to contact us since first week of September.

The part of it that is so crazy making in her case is that she does it without giving a reason.  She doesn't even show any indication she is upset with us.  She just goes dark all the sudden.  I still have no idea why she went silent in July.
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« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2013, 08:00:42 PM »

Hi, 2girls3canines... .

I know that your daughter has a diagnosis of Depression, right? And that she just got a RX for Zoloft or something for it? I think you might find that if the meds work, she just might stop this behavior. What she is doing sounds exactly like my adult (36) son's behavior when he was suffering from Depression. It really manifests itself in him as anti-social in a "taking myself out of the world" sort of way for him. Keep hanging on with her; the meds could really help her with this, and if I understand right she will getting DBT therapy soon, and that could help her with the BPD behaviors, too (not that the silent treatment and hiding out behavior isn't also symptomatic of BPD).

I'm not sure if you've been reading the links to the right-hand side of the margin here, but that might be something you can do while waiting for the DBT to begin; these communication tools and techniques in those links have made a world of difference with my dealing with my son. And, as a result of the changes I have made in myself while communicating with and understanding him, he has changed the way he interacts with me so much for the better! Please check those links out if you haven't yet... .It really will help!

We really can't change our kids; but we can change ourselves and how we deal with our kids... .And then things change   Hang in there with her... .

brillo: It sounds the same way for your Daughter-In-Law... .Has she been diagnosed with Depression and/or BPD? Like I said above, her behavior sounds exactly like my son's when he was untreated for his BPD and the meds for his Depression weren't "right" (he's on Pristiq now). Hang in there with her; her pain is unbearable to her and having an empathetic, caring, understanding Mother-In-Law can only make things better for her.

And for you in your relationship with your grandchildren... .Have you tried emailing or writing to her? Without judgment, but telling her you love her and understand she is in pain? Validation is what she needs to open up, quite possibly... .If you can think about what she is dealing with and get to the bottom of why she is so sad (or angry, or stressed out, etc.), maybe you can just commiserate and support her and tell her you understand. Sometimes that can break the silence... .Good luck!
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mary93
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« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2013, 08:46:46 PM »

Hi 2girls3canines,  I am relatively new to this, as my daughter was diagnosed about 6 weeks ago. But when I look back through the years, especially after reading the "eggshells" book, I can recognize the symptoms and she has had this for most of her life. After a recent suicide attempt I was on the receiving end of the silent treatment for 2 weeks (she has done this in the past but never lasted more than a few hours) No matter what I did she refused top communicate with me (she is 20, I have raised her as a single mom, and now she has gone to live with her dad since being diagnosed) My therapist told me to try something different, as my daughter knows me very well and knows what I will do and what I will say. She said to stop communicating with her and that would most certainly provoke a reaction be it a positive or negative one. After 2 days of me giving her the silent treatment she texted me like nothing had happened and said "hows it going" and she came over for diner etc. I did not address the silent treatment and made like nothing had happened, as she is waiting on DBT therapy (got the call today). I found the silent treatment to be very hurtful. I would suggest reading books etc, this forum, therapy etc, as there is not much we can do for them, but we can do many things for us, as one day they will really need us and we need to be strong for that day. BRILLO, you mention you dont know why she went silent, I dont think any of us ever do know why (I still dont know why I got the 2 week silent treatment). From what I have read they lash out the most at the ones they love, so I guess that could be why the silent treatment as they know it hurts us deeply? Today my daughter spoke to me, tomorrow who knows... .

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Ms Mac

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« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2013, 12:04:33 AM »

your lucky she gives you the silent treatment, mine does the complete opposite which puts a huge strain on the household, and I am always glad when she slams her bedroom door behind her, because then I know it will be the last I see of her for the night
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mary93
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« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2013, 01:03:58 AM »

@Ms Mac, been there done that with the non silent treatment, I have holes in the doors etc to prove it, that also was not fun, but made me very angry etc, but the silent treatment made me very very sad. The problem is we don't know what is going on behind those closed doors, as my DD was cutting herself
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Ms Mac

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« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2013, 01:14:19 AM »

mine has cut herself in the past (and probably will again), and tried committing suicide more than once. I never know what she does behind her closed door, and I am beyond worrying about it. I know that sounds cold, but I can't keep worrying, she is 17 nearly 18, and I am done... .
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mary93
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« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2013, 08:33:08 AM »

Ms Mac, I was just wondering has your daughter been to any therapy? Also have you tried it as for me it was the only thing that helped me out. I know its hard and you are allowed to be angry and fed up as this nasty disease takes a toll on us also, but we have to remember that this is a disease it is out of their hands (not trying to judge here by any means) and they need help. I see so many poor lost souls out there that have no one to turn to and end up homeless on the street. I understand where your coming from as I have been there also and I do believe that if you were really done with your daughter you would not have come on this board   Try doing stuff for yourself to make you feel happy and stronger. Is there not somewhere else your daughter can stay for some time to give you a break as that is what happened with me, my daughter is gone to stay with her dad and I can catch a breath and try and work on getting me stronger. 
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mary93
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« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2013, 01:52:38 PM »

well looks like I am back on the receiving end of the silent treatment again and it is literally eating me alive :'( :'( :'( not a good feeling to not know if your child is ok or not (she no longer lives with me). I really find this "torture" as yes it is torture and very often meant to be, exceptionally hard to deal with. I find myself in a position, do I keep on like this and allow myself to be destroyed or do I step back and temporarily removed my adult daughter (20) from my life (and i do stress "temporarily" as she will end up having to bury me if I allow this to continue. Not an easy decision to make as a mom. From what I see right now, I think (and my therapist also thinks the same thing) that my life at this present time is more in danger than my daughters  She seems to be doing ok (as ok as a BPD person can) while I am not doing so great.
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2girls3canines

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« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2013, 03:51:29 PM »

thanks for all the advice... I get the non-silent treatment as well - we have replaced 6 doors in our house in the last 3 months…I feel bit anguish and relief with the silent treatment… the absence of a meltdown is nice, but the non communication over even the tiniest things is just infuriating… I have read the "eggshells" book too and that is perhaps why I was disheartened with "just" a diagnosis of depression… Not that I would be thrilled if that is all it is - but it seems like a symptom of another problem at this point… Started Zoloft yesterday, so Im praying and crossing my fingers…

Im reading all the material and links as quickly as I can and trying to validate more ( I can see now that I was not good at this)...

The silent treatment ended this morning when she needed something badly enough that she had no choice but to speak to me... And she acted as though nothing ever happened… which also upsets me that she will just gloss over it like that. Should I even mention it or just let it go… I am afraid that by ignoring it, she will simply employ that tactic whenever is suits her to "get away" from us or if she doesn't feel like talking about something...

Advice?
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mary93
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« Reply #10 on: October 29, 2013, 05:00:18 PM »

 2girls3canines I am not an expert so can only give you my experience. I don't address the issue of silent treatment when she comes out of it as knowing her it will escalate go badly and eventually end in another silent treatment. My therapist is working on doing a meeting with myself, my therapist, my daughter and her therapist and then certain things can be addressed. Its not for nothing that the book is "how to stop walking on eggshells" as we literally are, afraid to say/do anything, and it seems that we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. I can so understand why so many mental health professionals cannot deal with BPD. I have been on antidepressants for about 2 1/2 months now, and I am not one to take this type of medication, but I am almost convinced that if it were not for the pills I would not be speaking to you now. There are no right or no wrong answers with BPD, the only thing you can do is work on yourself and change some of your "predictable" behavior, as they know exactly which buttons to press and when to do it. We as parents are having a hard time with this, I can only imagine what its like to be in their bodies, as after all these are not stupid people and they are aware of what is happening. Very very emotionally and physically draining for us as parents. I feel on most days like I have been run over by a mack truck and have problems functioning (I still do but it takes so much effort) on a daily basis. I would not wish this on my worst enemy  :'(
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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