Here comes the Border Lion

[Mara2]

I have been around the boards now for some time on and off, mostly for my BPD/PTSD husband.  It has been a long and difficult road these last few years since learning about his diagnosis.  Now I am seeing signs of it in my 12 yo daughter.  My heart breaks for her because I know she will not have an easy time of it.  I am hoping that since I can see it coming I can help ease some of it for her.  Hope springs eternal.

She goes from perfectly happy to raging to perfectly happy in a matter of minutes.  It is breathtaking how fast she can change.  The other day she began to rage at me when I put my foot down and actually hit me for the first time.  Unfortunately, I reacted and hit her back- on her backside.  I apologised, told her to sit in her bed until she can talk calmly, then she could talk to me.  I left.  Not long after she came out, apologised and gave me a list of why other people make her do the things she does.  She had punched the wall and needed an ice pack.  We had a long talk about taking responsibility for our own actions, but I know it is not sinking in. 

Last night I asked her to do the dishes and she drew herself up as if she was going to hit me again, but changed her body posture and anger so fast the other kids did not even see it.  She pleaded with me not to make her do dishes, but in the end she did them. 

I did make sure I told her over and over how much I loved her and want her around, hoping to ease some of the black going on inside.  I also know that what she deals with around her father contributes to much of how she feels, but I can't change how he treats the kids. 

So here we go again.  Wish me luck.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Mara2    &  welcome to the Parenting Board!

I am so sorry for the symptoms you are seeing in your daughter; it must be terrible to have been going through dealing with a BPD spouse, and then to realize you may have to go through it again with your daughter. I know what it feels like to have a BPD child, and so does everyone else on this Board. You will find lots of support, advice and insights here... .

I bet you already know about Validation, S.E.T., Radical Acceptance, etc. from being on other Boards and learning how to communicate with your husband. The good news is that you can use those same techniques with your daughter to help her learn how to regulate her emotions and fit in better socially. Actually, she is young enough where you can step right in tonight and apply great listening and empathy skills to help you soothe her and teach her how to soothe herself.

Although all the Workshops, Articles and Videos on this site are geared to pretty much anyone with BPD, if you check out the links to the right-hand margin on this page you will find everything (so far!) that has been selected for parents with their special situations involving their children. Even if your daughter wouldn't be actually diagnosed with BPD (she is quite young), since she is exhibiting the behaviors that you mentioned, what you will learn about here will help her--and your whole family. She sounds like she's hurting, and possibly having trouble fitting in with a life that could be confusing to her; you can help her find her way.

I'm so glad you came to our Board; we are all here for you and looking forward to hearing more of your story and questions... .We want to help you and your daughter 

[qcarolr]

There are some resources focused on dealing with our younger kids with BPD traits. One that helped me a lot with my gd8 has a review here:

"Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions" by Harvey/Penzo   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200554.0

I is so triggering for me when I experience my gd getting into a rage and acting like her mom, BPDDD27. I am so sad that I was not able to protect her from exposure to these actions. So I am trying to teach her better ways to self-sooth and cope with her emotions. She is a very sensitive person.

There are also some books that come out of attachment based child development that have been helpful for me. If you are interested in them, let me know. They have not yet been reviewed here at bpdfamily.

qcr

[Mara2]

I do have a question for you all.  This daughter has displayed intense emotions from birth- heck, in the womb even.  She refused to nurse unless I was walking around in circles, screamed at the top of her lungs if I ever put her down, and would get up frequently from bed to check and see if we were still there.  She continues to have problems sleeping. Have any of the rest of you noticed a very needy child from the very beginning?

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, again Mara2 

Yeah... .My son was easily agitated at a very early age; I noticed it almost as soon as we got home from the hospital. He was born with a little jaundice, had colic, and though he was a great nurser and had no problems in that department, I would see that any little outside stressor would aggravate him. Nothing I could do to soothe him would work most of the time (as he got older I saw the signs sooner, and was able to distract him a lot of the time and head it off a bit more easily). 

His agitation would escalate from wincing, grunting/fussing, writhing, and then full-blown screaming. I remember after he was just several weeks old pointing this out to my husband: "Look, watch him... .he's winding himself up, and there's nothing we can do about it!" He was our first child, I was 23 years old and my husband was 26. We thought at the time that this behavior was in the normal range. What did we know? Well... .we know better now 

[qcarolr]

Mara2

My BPDDD27 was also a very difficult, highly sensitive child from that first day when she came to us at 3 weeks old. She was placed with us a week before her parents relinquished her, which was unusual for this agency. We had waited for 4 years for this phone call, and were not prepared for how hard she was to soothe. I had lots of experience with babies and young children, so this was kind of a shock for me.

Now I see this with my gd8, that dh and I are raising. She has always lived with us. She is much different from her mom. And I am a different parent with her - older, wiser - more of the time. Have struggled trying to nuture the relationship between DD and gd. At this point the anxiety of DD's rages have been too much. I get it now how hard this has been for gd, also a very sensitive soul.

Some of the reading I have done in the past year about attachment issues and the physiological/neurological developmental processes has been really helpful in my r/s with gd. Doesn't work as well with DD - she is an adult and I have so much less influence on her. So wish I had known about validation and how tiny negative situations feel like big traumas to her. They build up and build up -- this is my understanding of the current research around the triggering of BPD. So yes, I needed to be more validating - making emotional space for DD's feelings and being less judgemental.

I have to keep my own emotional regulation intact, not take anything personally.  Even though I feel manipulated, targeted, blamed - it is not about me. It is about how badly my girls feel inside; about how they unconsously perceive their actions and their inability to stop them.  As I have gained more emotional regulation with validation (self and others) and awareness of my core values and setting values to protect these, my girls have been able to become more regulated. Well, DD is pushed beyond control by her bf relationships. I am the target when she is trying to convince herself they really love her still, even with so much domestic violence between them. She is on her 9th r/s since age 17, and is recyling the last 3 when she can.

With gd8, who has developed so much awareness of her needs, and the ability to talk to me about them, things are much better. Also having DD27 out of the house again, with minimal contact with me and zero contact with gd, has helped build safety in our home for gd. This is the first step. Also, gd did not have the intense behaviors that her mom did as a very young child. Her biggest issues have been around seperation anxiety. We are hopeful that BPD will not be a part of her future. For now we are dealing with the anxiety and ADHD.

There are a couple of other resources that have given me hope around being able to regulate myself so I can be a regulating influence for gd. One is ":)are to Love" by Heather Forbes. The other is "Brain Based Parenting" by Dan Hughes. His book is very technical in the beginning about how the neuro-systems work. The last half of book was very helpful in it's focus on training the parent to be  a therapuetic influence for their children.

Qcr

[Mara2]

I'll have to check those out- thank you. 

Things have settled down for now and she is not being triggered.  I'm trying to learn as much as I can while things are good so I can be of help to her when they are not so good. 

[qcarolr]

Mara2

A great place to start is with the videos under "Foundation Reading". The link is to the right under "Start Here".  These have a really big focus on adolescents with BPD or BPD traits.

So glad things are better in your home for now. Enjoy!

qcr