Close to giving up hope.

[MangoMadness]

I'm exhausted, I don't feel like re-explaining my situation again. But I just want to know, is there ever peace? It has been years since I left her, and I know it was the right choice. But now she has fame for her art, and ruined my love to draw. People eat up her lies, praise her for stolen ideas, and she gets to go to the college she wants.

And I've been confined to my home for three years, anxious, angry, and near the end of my rope. Sometimes I do go numb, and contemplate killing myself. It seems to be the only way to shut her up. The real her may be gone, but a part of her, a negative parasite is still here. "You're not good enough". "You're not improving". "You'll never get anywhere in life."

She's right. I'm nothing. I've nothing to live for at this point, and I just want her to shut up. I just want this whirlwind of hurt and anger to go away. I haven't felt peace for eight or so years now. My experience with her destroyed me, I feel like there's nothing I can do to get better. I've tried and tried but I'm grasping at fog and emptiness.

I don't know what to do anymore. Nobody in real life will help me, my therapist won't let me talk about her. Last time I tried, she threatened to cut up my ID card. I don't know who to turn to or what to do anymore. I just want peace.

[UmbrellaBoy]

The best revenge is living well. It will get better, you just need to cut her out.

[Lady31]

Mango,

I'm sorry you are feeling so hopeless and down.  I don't know the answers to all your questions, but rather, have some of my own:

Have you forgiven your ex?

What are you currently doing on a daily basis to encourage you?

Do you have a vision of what you would like your life to look like?

What are you currently doing on a daily basis to work toward your dreams?

It will get better.  Don't allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself.  I know this isn't easy, I struggle with that too.  In fact, been dealing with that one a lot lately - BUT only you can stop the defeating cycle and mindset.

Your ex is not the reason you are not doing what you want to with your life... .only you hold that power. 

Are you ready to move on and let your ex go?

Do you want to get better?

When I get that depressed and hopeless I take a look at what I am feeding my spirit.  The answer is VERY SIMPLE.  If I am sitting around letting all the thoughts of doom, gloom, failure, etc. just run through my mind then I feel like crap and have no hope. 

All things start with the mind.  Your thoughts control your life... .LITERALLY.  Your life will begin to change when you take control of your mind.  So, YES, you can get better and move on.  The only reason you are in this place emotionally is because of what you are feeding your mind and spirit.  That is actually a freeing revelation because you can stop being afraid it will never get better.  Of course it will get better when you start making some changes.

I personally am a Christian, so I start to listen to preaching on TV daily, listen to Christian music daily, pray daily and go to church regularly.  I usually find when I start getting a hopeless attitude it is because I have neglected these things.  When I go back to these healthier habits of feeding my mind and spirit LIFE, the results are immediate. 

If you are not a Christian, I don’t want to push that on you.  You can start looking for uplifting music to play constantly (music is VERY powerful to the spirit, DO NOT listen to anything that brings you down), look for life coaching seminars to watch online or to attend that are uplifting and encouraging.  Start a project or hobby. 

MAKE A VISION BOARD of the different areas of your life to hang up and look at daily.

You can turn this around.

[Surnia]

Hi MangoMadness

So sorry to hear all this. I hear so much despair. 

No need to rewrite the whole story, we can read it on the entryboard.

I agree with you, you need help. She has so much space in your live, in your brain. There is nothing left for yourself.

Are you no contact with her?

What about talking with your T about your situation, like feeling so down? This is what counts!

Hang in there, MangoMadness. 

[rags_and_feathers]

Mango, I am so sorry you are hurting so much!  I don't know your situation, but I hope you are getting therapy for yourself so you can work on some of those old wounds that are causing the pain and depression (that sounds like depression to me.)  Have you considered the possibility of antidepressants?  I know they aren't for everyone, but in my experience the right one can really help with shutting up those internalized voices and allowing enough peace to start doing the healing work.

Your ex does not define you, she does not dictate your worth.  I hope you can find the strength to replace those voice-echoes of her with affirming thoughts of your own.

[rags_and_feathers]

Mango -- I just read your intro post, and my heart really goes out to you!  Please, please put that person as far as you can from your thoughts, from your heart, and focus on you and your new love.  You deserve so much better!  She is responsible for her own destiny, and eventually, the lies will catch up to her ... .but that isn't yours to worry about.  You need to take care of healing YOU.

[MangoMadness]

Thank you all so much... .It was nice waking to such lovely comments. So far, venting on this board has helped me feel considerably better than before, being reassured by people who know this awful feeling is comforting. So thank you for your feedback, so much.

And yes--I do take antidepressants, they work rather well! But like most say, they only treat the symptoms, they do not cure the problem.