How do you explain

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How do you explain to the court why you stayed with someone so abusive?   I put up with it for 12 years.   If it was as bad as I say it was, why did I put up with it?   Why did I let my kids be abused like that?

I have custody hearing in December and currently have temp custody.   I think it has become very obvious to the GAL that BPD mom is not capable of taking care of the kids.   So now she is really focused on me and whether I can do it.   She is freaking out that I don't have a good enough support system.   She is also asking why I stayed in such an abusive relationship, especially when it was toward the kids... .

I really didn't know what would be worse for the kids.   Her abuse, or her leaving.   I am still not so sure.

[suffering_parent]

How do you explain to the court why you stayed with someone so abusive?   I put up with it for 12 years.   If it was as bad as I say it was, why did I put up with it?   Why did I let my kids be abused like that?

I have custody hearing in December and currently have temp custody.   I think it has become very obvious to the GAL that BPD mom is not capable of taking care of the kids.   So now she is really focused on me and whether I can do it.   She is freaking out that I don't have a good enough support system.   She is also asking why I stayed in such an abusive relationship, especially when it was toward the kids... .

I really didn't know what would be worse for the kids.   Her abuse, or her leaving.   I am still not so sure.

[momtara]

I don't think the court asks that question.  But you can always say you stayed to protect the kids, or because you had hope that through counseling (or in time) you thought it might get better, or you wanted to do everything you could to save the marriage and family.  All legit reasons.

[ForeverDad]

I don't think the court asks that question.  But you can always say you stayed to protect the kids, or because you had hope that through counseling (or in time) you thought it might get better, or you wanted to do everything you could to save the marriage and family.  All legit reasons.

All good.  And if you're asked why did you leave now and not before, you can say that (1) over time you saw she wasn't improving her behaviors, (2) you learned more about poor behavior patterns and discerned that you were unable to fix things by staying and (3) you accepted that the relationship was dysfunctional and unhealthy and acted accordingly for yourself and for the children.

[scraps66]

This is hopefully where the shortsighted and convenient use by the court of the "six month history only could be an advantage.  However, the decision to leave has been made, so the court will not and should not question that decision.  Stress the use of established patterns of behavior over that 12 year period.  There are MANy here on these boards that have stayed in relationships for varied reasons - feeling of protecting kids and the uncertainty of behavior when you leave and are not there to protect; financial - most here on these boards ahve sacrfiiced a great deal of financial solvency to get out of these relationships and the uncertainty of, just how much will this cost and will it ever end... .etc.  Many possible reasons and these are not waht the court is concerned with now.

[suffering_parent]

Thanks I think it is all good advice.   I think with 4 kids - 3 girls the GAL is worried I won't be able to do it alone.   She doesn't realize I was doing it alone for most of their life.    BPD mom was more work then the 4 kids combined.    So it is now much easier then ever to take care of them.

I just have to prove that.    She is watching me very carefully to see if I can do it!

[ForeverDad]

I really didn't know what would be worse for the kids.   Her abuse, or her leaving.   I am still not so sure.

This is one of the more expensive books, but if you read Christine Ann Lawson's Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship you will see that stability with you and distance from the chaos and abuse will help the children.  By showing that you stepped up to limit the abuse, you are setting a good example that you are setting appropriate boundaries for behavior.  Also you will be more effective when validating the children in age appropriate ways when they make observations about the contrast between good and poor behaviors.

[Waddams]

How do you explain to the court why you stayed with someone so abusive?

Here's another angle - you stayed because you became FOG':) by her manipulation and abuse. Just like the rest of us.

I think all the specifics - staying to protect the kids, fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough, fear of not finding someone else, afraid she can't make it on her own without you... .our BPD's actually manipulate us to heighten those emotions - through their abuse and manipulations combined with our own poor boundaries, we get mind___ed and FOG'd into a baseline of Fear, Obligation, and/or Guilt dominating our thinking.  Some people come out of the FOG quickly, others don't.  Everyone moves at their own schedule.

You're coming out of your own FOG now.  You didn't recognize how she was manipulating and FOG'ing you up until now.  That might mean you had some issues of your own in the past, maybe you were a bit slow on the uptake, immature, etc. and didn't have the skills to recognize things for what they were before now.  Maybe you still need some counseling and need to grow more.  However, you finally realize now how you've been FOG'd and manipulated and are now taking steps to stop it and get away from it because it's abusive and hurtful to you.  Regardless of how long you lived with the abuse and manipulation, it's not fair to blame you and say it's your fault for staying so long.  She did these things, not you.

[whirlpoollife]

Good question and glad for it.   I had just emailed my L today with info that he needed. L had mentioned in the past that we will go before a judge master in the settlement process. I added the question, is the settlement  black and white or do I need to prepare for why I left the marriage (27 yrs), will that have an impact on the settlement.  When I hear back on that question I will post it.   I'm saving  the replies you have here because I was wondering how to shorten things up to get the point across.

When I had my meeting with GAL, he could care less what I said of the abuse from H.  He was interested in H as a parent only. 

You will do a better job as a dad when pwBPD is out of there.

[scraps66]

washingmachine I think you will find, if you were to ask people in the courthouse, very little gets factored into a settlement - that includes even addressing all the criteria used to determine equitable distribution/settlement.  Taking this a step further, courts, judges, masters, attorneys, litigants, plaintiff's, defendants... .get it... .work hard to NOT consider behaviors in making settlements.  Amazing when considering financially abusive relationships, there is no consideration to behaviors in coming up with settlements.  If - in your/our cases, there was consideration for the behaviors over even 27yrs, I'm sure you could come up with bad behaviors that contributed to the demise of the marriage that are much more valid and understandable than your mentality of sticking with the marriage.  You made a commitment with vows to the marriage.  The other party abused that, and you kept the course.  So, if behaviors are to be discussed, I'm sure you can come up with many bad behaviors that affected the relationship that far TRUMP your sticking with the relationship.  You should be golden and I wouldn't worry at all.  I hope your L will assure you of this as well.   .