An update, and happiness

[Chosen]

I haven't been on here as much these days.  Actually I'm still around, just for a shorter time each day (sneaking a few moments to catch up on the board while at work).

Things have been going very well with uBPDh for the past 3 months, and that's the longest period of peace we've had ever since we got married early last year.  Granted, sometimes the things he says/ does still baffles me, and it still somehow reminds me that he doesn't necessarily think the same way as I do, but there have been so many improvements and I'm happy it's going that way. 

For example:

-   He would do more stuff around the house (he used to do stuff too, but not without pointing out how much more/ better he does than me), and he seems proud of it

-   He complains less about me abandoning him.  On the rare occasion that he does imagine these situations (“you will leave me for somebody rich one day”) and I assure them those are not true, he doesn’t continue

-   In the past, when I lose my temper/ get impatient, all hell will break loose.  I will deeply regret it because I will be lectured for hours or raged at.  During these few months, I lost my temper sometimes (I’m a hot-headed type of person), and he would teach me for a while (“I have told you many times before when you’re impatient you will do things wrong, see what you have done now”) without insulting me, and last week he was even able to laugh at it afterwards.  It’s like I’m allowed to be human again! 

-   We can have conversations about serious stuff.  Before, he would just joke around, get mad really quickly and we can’t talk about anything serious, now we can talk logically, even have some discussion, without him shoving his opinions down my throat.  We can both throw out ideas and he would consider them.  Like lately, we are thinking of moving homes at some point, and he is able to discuss that with me, where we should live, what may work better if we may have kids… etc.  We are able to discuss this as adults instead of like father/ teacher to a child.

I can’t say I have a clear idea of what happened.  I suppose both of us changed.  Perhaps I’m getting a bit more comfortable with the tools illustrated here after using them for a year.  But it can’t be just that, because to be honest, I’m not very good with the tools… I don’t think that alone can bring this much change.  Perhaps he also loosened up a bit.  I’m not sure.  But I’m glad with the way things are going.  At the same time, I am not completely secure yet.  I keep thinking one of these days something is going to go bad.  The bad things can’t have stopped just like that.  But I am determined to enjoy it while it lasts, and continue to practice the tools I have learnt on here.  I hope that one day, SET will become my norm, I will improve on my active listening and validation, and if I sense things going south I will be able to apply boundaries to protect both him and me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Sounds good, sometimes the fact that you are more settled rubs off on our partners. They are like cameleons.

Things probably will blow up from time to time with stress triggers, but you will not react the same way you once did, so hopefully escalation wont happen the same and you will be able to steer things back more readily.

When this change came upon me I noticed that I became less afraid of conflict, and as a result I was the one who was starting conflicted at times. Thats what regular folks do when they get upset. My partner is now afraid of conflict as I stay in control and she cant use it as a projection tool, so avoids it. Conflict now does not lead to escalation. I can vent without bottling things up, I understand the emotions so the venting is not completely knee jerk out of order and so doesn't trigger auto defense mode the same.

A lot of what you have learned you will be applying subconciously.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

What great news! I think that once you've reached a place where you're changed, there's no going back to the way it was before. Sure, there will be blow ups from time to time, but the results will probably be different.

[eyvindr]

I'm happy for both of you, Chosen. I admire your courage and patience.

To continued smooth sailing!

e.

[modafinilguy]

Excellent. Excellent.

Great news.

[Wanda]

 

You.d be surprised how the tools work, nothing changes without change... things started to change for me when i used the tools i listened more understood. didnt react to things remembering he has a disease, not trying to change  his ideas. and i set a lot of  boundaries for me... so yes changing helps it do for me and you the tools, and skills do work if you work them / good for you  

[Chosen]

Thank you all, and thanks for helping and pointing me in the right direction when I most needed.

I don't know if things are going to (generally) go uphill from here, I sure hope so, but I'm realisitic enough to know that things won't always be completely smooth; at least now I should be able to detect when things start going south, and that certainly helps a lot, even though they can't prevent his moods from happening.

I'm still around here though- the tools have yet to become so natural to me that I can do it without consciously practising them, so I do need to keep trying!