Lost, Emotionally broken, need help

[nicolette]

I've been with my partner for 4 years. I knew he had BPD as he told me in the first week. I thought I could handle it. I thought it wouldn't be as turbulent as it has.

But I feel like I've completely lost myself now.

I feel so emotionally broken and in so much emotional pain. I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm not allowed to put certain things in the house. I'm not allowed to express how I feel. I get NO validation of how I feel EVER.

I can barely talk to him about anything because i'm worried about him "blowing up". I don't have any friends or family and I needed to talk to someone, anyone... .

I want to leave. I think I do. I mean, if I step out of the situation i'm in and look at our "relationship"... .nothing is equal, it never has been, and I don't want this for my life, I don't want to be in this type of "relationship" for the rest of my life.

There's been lots of criticism against me, lots of negative words, pushing, things thrown around me.

I can't believe I lasted this long... .

There's been good times (obviously). Fun times, laughing etc... .

He's actually said to me I can go if he can't meet my emotional needs.

And he can't  Deep in my heart, I know he can't  

I get an "I love you" once every couple of months. I rarely get hugs or affection.

I don't know... .I just wanted to come on here and meet and talk to people who are in similar situations. I've never talked about my relationship as open as I have here.

If this isn't the right board, please move it.  Thank you

[momtara]

I'm sorry to hear it.  I know the pain.  I'm married (getting divorced) to someone with BPD.  It's a shame that your bf acknowledges it but can't really get help to fix it. 

I guess the obvious question is, do you think he'd be willing to get counseling to make things better?

I tried that with my husband, but he wouldn't acknowledge what was going on.  Occasionally he would, but then he'd 'forget' that he did. 

Now that I have left him, he is doing what he can to come back,  including finally acknowledging everything and getting LOTs of therapy.  But we have 2 kids so there's incentive for him to come back.  He needs me.

I only give this example to tell you that maybe you have to set your foot down and tell him you don't want to leave him, but you need more.  Maybe if you spell it out (even though none of us like doing that) he will have a roadmap.  Of course, you're saying he has already told you that you can go. 

If people with BPD fear abandonment, I don't want you to set him off, but you may at some point have to be honest.  Just figure out if you are strong enough to leave.  It is a hard thing, I know.  I know what's out there, and sometimes it feels better just to stay in the relationship... .

You will learn a lot on this board and hear many similar stories.  So hang in there.  Remember, you didn't cause it and you can't cure it.  I can tell you love your boyfriend and are doing your best. 

It is easy to forget what it's like to be treated normally and to be an equal.  Go easy on yourself.

[Surnia]

Hi Nicolette and



I am so sorry to hear your pain and despair! 

And I am glad you found us. Sounds like this board is the right one.

Its so important to reach out sharing the own story, the confusion, pain. Quite often we stay silent, we don't talk with friends and at the end we feel very lonely and lost.

Your story is reminding me my own, I had similar things about expressing feelings. And huge kitchen sink fights.

So, you are in the same household right now?

Please keep in touch, Nicolette

Surnia