I give up on my daughter

[caulene]

After almost two years of chaos, pain, abuse etc. I have made the decision to give up on my daughter.  I will be there for my grandchildren but my daughter has been cut loose.  The relief I feel is wonderful.  Its been a long time coming.  The last vestiges of respect I tried to hold onto has completely died - and once the respect is gone there really isn't much left.  I have been struggling with this for so long.  I have worked within the prison system for many years and I can no longer deny that my daughter is no different than the women that come into prison for allowing boyfriends and/or husbands to abuse their children in order to keep the man.  And I have no respect for those kind of people - mentally ill or not. 

I took all her pictures, anything that is connected to her and burned them out in a beautiful meadow close by.  My other daughter and I said prayers and put her symbolically in the ground.  The daughter I knew and loved died a long time ago and was replaced by a stranger - a monster.  I finally was able to get rid of the anger and, oh, what blessed relief.  I gave her every opportunity to make things right and she has chose not to.  She has bound herself to a narcissistic psychopath.  Anyone who chooses to make their own children second place is not worthy of love or respect.  And this thing that has replaced my daughter is one of those. 

And I feel sat peace.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, caulene... .

I'm so sorry for your pain. It's very sad when our children turn out to be people that we'd hoped they'd never turn out to be. In one way, it is best to radically accept that your daughter is who she is, not who you wanted her to be. Have you been doing any reading on this site yet? The links to the right-hand margin have a wealth of information that can help you with this turmoil... .

I'm very happy to hear that you will still be there for your grandchildren; they need you more than ever and I'm happy you will be supportive of them. That is a wonderful thing to do... .

Do they still live across from you in their apartment? Do you see them regularly? Does your daughter let you visit with them when they want to? If so, that, at least, is a blessing. I've read your other posts, and know that your daughters' father is most likely uBPD, and that he was a pretty rough father. Knowing that, I bet your daughters have some tales to tell... .I'm happy that your other daughter seems to be doing well, and that she is there for you.

I know that your dBPDdaughter was supposed to have started DBT at some point; has that ever happened? Is she in therapy now? I'm really sorry for your pain, and for the sadness of this situation... .

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am so sorry for your very difficult situation, but glad you are there to support your grandchildren and glad you are feeling at peace for now.    to you and lots of prayers being said for you and your family!

[somuchlove]

I am so sorry for you.  I understand how hard this is for you.  I have been at a point when I just didn't want to deal with it anymore, felt like it was never going to get better.  I to have wonderful grandchildren and my heart breaks for them as well.  sometimes I felt like I may even be putting my dd over them and I knew that was not the right thing to do. 

I hope that you can continue to read information here and if you haven't read some of the books.  If not as a way to help your dd but to understand your feelings and be able to know that you have and are doing what is needed.  I know that once I understood BPD I was able to let go which in the end has made my relationship with my dd better. 

 

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Caulene,

     I was reading something last night in Co-Dependent No More, by Melody Beattie that might help you see the deeper wisdom in what you have done.  It's a fairly famous book and I suggest you take a peek at it if you can, though much of it may not apply to you.  We really are not responsible for anyone else's life.  It sounds like you have been able to get back to yourself as the center of your life and, oddly enough, that's the only way you will be able to help her (albeit indirectly) or anyone else.  You closed a door that badly needed closing; it will be fun for you now to see the doors that will have a chance to be opened.  Congratulations on a really difficult transition.

LT

[crumblingdad]

So very sorry to hear your story.  I can relate to those feelings and that overwhelming thought of "who is this monster?" that my own DD16 has become.

It's good to see that you are setting your own boundaries and doing what you need to in order to focus on your health.

I do want to say though, I agree with Rapt Reader and considering the radical acceptance of your daughter for who she is.  It's certainly not easy.  At times I struggle with it myself but then tell myself that what the substance abuse and mental illness has done to my daughter is simply masking who she really is behind it.  I've tried to accept her as she is and love her unconditionally, albeit with whatever boundaries may become necessary to remain healthy myself, and remember that when you peel all the sickness away the DD I love is still the same DD wrapped inside all that hurt and pain that makes her act in ways I can't truly comprehend.

Hopefully you will continue taking care of yourself and those grandchildren as they will need all of the love and support you can give them.

Thoughts, prayers and love for you and your entire family in this difficult time.