Devastation and Destruction

[ConflictedxAMillion]

It's been a long while since I've been able to get on.  I've been completely wrapped up in my own dilemma at work with my co-worker embezzling.

The worst is beginning to ensue again with my daughter.  She lost yet another job and her boyfriend also lost his last week.  They are drug addicts and desperate.

Today she/they broke into my parents apartment (a house I own).  To refresh... .she also used to live in the same house in another apartment but I had to evict her because she wasn't paying me anything, not even trying to make an attempt.  We found out she was addicted to heroin and she went to rehab for all of 10 days.

My mother is devastated with today's events.  She can't believe my daughter would do this (again) to her of all people, and how she has done so much to help her.  My mother is also having an extremely difficult time right now because her brother (her best friend) is dying.  My mother says she under no circumstances wants to see my daughter again.  This is really something for my mother to say.  My mother knows that she and I are really the only ones left that my daughter has.  Through her actions, she has isolated herself.  She has betrayed most everyone she had.  Most of the family wants nothing to do with her. 

I too have my own reservations about contact.  My 14 year old has been impacted by her half-sister for years.  She is currently doing really well and the house is relatively calm without the every-day contact with my daughter.  My daughter steals constantly. 

This is the second time she has stolen from my mother.  However today, she actually broke into the house while they were not there, searched for my mother's pocketbook, stole $30 dollars - nothing else - including items that could be easily sold (but that's probably their next step).

She has constantly stolen from me and her little sister... .even taking an Easter card for her sister that came in the mail from her grandparents and took the lousy $2.  I'm used to it - it doesn't phase me like that anymore.

However, she is still my daughter.  I worry about her terribly.  Will she overdose  Will she wind up dead from pissing someone off too badly.

The thing that she fears most and goes to incredible lengths to avoid - being alone - being abandoned... .she's making it so it's pretty hard for everyone not to do just that.

It's so incredibly hard to witness, to watch as a mother.  I know the mental illness and the substance abuse has turned her into someone we don't recognize anymore.  It's the saddest thing.

But even so, I have been doing pretty well lately, but I'm beginning to feel like the storm is just sitting back and brewing.

Tomorrow I have to go and get a restraining order for my parents to keep her away from the house.  But that probably wouldn't have stopped what happened today.  I'm considering getting one - or at least a no-trespass warrant for our house.  I'm starting to become afraid because at times she can really go crazy - almost wild.

I feel so bad for her though.  My heart aches for her.  Will she ever be able to make a good choice.  Will she ever be able to see and understand that a lot of her suffering could be different if she would change her behavior.  I'm really losing hope on that one.  What kind of life is this to have?  It could be so different.

It's a matter of time before she's contacting me because she's been evicted and has no place to go.  Then what do I do?  Endure the chaos, make life a living hell for the rest of us?  What are the choices - I feel it's either that or "kick my kid to the curb".

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

ConflictedaMillion,

Wow!  You have a lot going on.  I can relate to much of what you have said.  My uBPDd, age 29, is an addict, too.  She is in methadone treatment now. She has stolen from several family members, mostly me.  She has difficulty hanging on to jobs, too.

I would like to share what I told my dh today.  We found out that my dd has been taking risks in driving a car on suspended license.  My dh let her borrow the use of his car that her friend could drive my dd to help her move.  We suspected that my dd drove the car while her friend was the only one given permission to drive it.  Today, I was upset with my dh for giving in to her and letting him borrow his car.  He worries about her getting caught.  First, he should not be enabling her.  But, I told him, that if she was caught driving then she would go to jail for 6 months.  Maybe, that is where she will finally get on the road to get treatment for her disorder.

In 2011, I had my dd move out, as I could no longer tolerate her behavior.  I was going to evict her if she did not move out.  Fortunately, she was accepted into a housing program for homeless women.  She was about to be homeless.  I was fortunate that I did not have to formally evict her.  My therapist at the time was coaching me.

My dd really carried on how she hates being alone, and did not think she could do it.  She really hates being alone.  However, she has my gs every other week, so she is not really alone.

I would really put more thought into allowing her back into your home.  You will not be shielding her from drugs. You will not be helping anyone in your home, or your dd.  I know that is tough to think of our children on the streets.  However, in my area there are homeless shelters that provide people with life skills and resources.  Can you find a list of resources in your area that you can give her?  I would start with the county.

Are you in therapy for support for yourself?  Al-Anon is a good support, too.

Please take care of yourself!

peaceplease

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, ConflictedxAMillion 

I'm truly sorry for this trauma you and your family is going through; peaceplease is right--maybe you can get some help from your County or some local jurisdiction to help your daughter find some sort of housing? Bringing her home might be very stressful for everyone... .

Is your daughter open to any type of therapy at all? My own adult son (36) was also a heroin addict, but after spending 21 days in an intensive Inpatient Dual Diagnosis Program (where he got the BPD diagnosis), he is now 8 months clean and sober and doing really well. Of course, he wanted to get better, and agreed to the therapy and mental health programs that were prescribed to him.

I truly hope that she decides to get the help she needs... .Please keep us updated, and let us know how we can help you 

[qcarolr]

ConflictedxAMillion

My heart goes out to you. Even when I have been pushed to the edge by my BPDDD27, I still desire for her to have a place to live. She has been homeless often the past 4 years, and to my amazement did not accept any of the many resources out there for her. She looked to what she needed from her homeless friends, who also shunned the programs. Too many rules and restrictions. Yet, she survived.

I have worked to learn the skills offered here over this period of time. How to take care of myself - Radical acceptance, core values and boundaries to protect those, and how to rebuild a healthier relationship with DD with skills of validation. It has also been so helpful to better understand BPD and how this impacts DD's lack of ability to choose treatment.

She has been in many domestic violence situations in her life with bf's. Starting when she was 15. We have done required family therapy when she was 15 and 17. She refused to attend! She refused all treatment and meds. until she had a baby at age 19 - for about 9 months. Then her bf situation shifted... .It has been a cycle for so long. Until she was dx BPD at age 23, I found this website, attended Al-Anon and in past 2 years have rediscovered my faith and have built a scaffold of support around me to stop getting in the way of DD's sprial down. She seems to have hit bottom over this past summer and ended up in jail for 2 months.

She was required to attend classes, treatment, and finally seems to 'get it' that people in the system do acutually care about her. She has been released to a dual-dx probation program, I have been instructed to stay out of her way in this program. It has only been 2 weeks, but so far things are seeming OK. I am making only weekly contact to have lunch with her, and am working with my listening/validating skills to NOT GIVE ADVICE. We are also paying for a month to month motel so she is not homeless while doing this program. She cannot be in our home. That is too traumatic -- we need to rest, gd8 needs to feels safe (we are raising her).

I stand behind you in choosing to take whatever actions are needed to protect your family right now. And encourage you to work you way through the list to the right. It is possible to re-connect with our kids while keeping our families safe.

Keep us posted.

qcr