I really want to leave but cant

[lonelyh1]

Hello

intro thread here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=212119.0

I have a uBPDW. 10 years married plus S6.

I only found out about BPD. The only thing that has gotten better is that my wife no longer shouts at me.

The invalidation continues.

I have no other family. All are dead

I really want some emotional support from my partner but she gives none and I do not think she will ever give me any support.

Recently I was handed a golden business opportunity and rushed to tell her first.  Big mistake.  She told me that I would never succeed.  Yet this business is in a  field that I have 20+ years experience.  I was crushed.  I should have found someone else to tell the good news.

I have no idea why she wants/needs to keep putting me down.  I have none of my boundaries respected.

[froggy]

It's not easy is it? They seem to be able to say the right thing to crush us.

I remember a few years ago when I joined a gym... .his response was... .why bother?... you'll always be fat.

After awhile you stop wanting to share anything. .most times the response is ... "what do I care"... .but if I don't tell him he says I never tell him anything.

It's a no win... .like most things with a pwBPD.


I say prove her wrong Stay excited for yourself

I think they get scared when we succeed. ... we might leave if we get too much self esteem. .keep us beaten down... we won't leave and no one else will want us either.

Congratulations. .go for it!

[Samuel S.]

Lonelyh, I empathize with you 100%, and I agree with Froggy 100%! BPDs are selfish and do not like or wish to acknowledge the joy and the excitement that others have due to their own insecurities. Yes, prove her wrong. You know your stuff. You can do whatever you wish. She does not know your potential, and she does not care. In fact, she is jealous. I have basically the same situation where my joy and my excitement have resulted in joy and excitement in others by teaching, tutoring, writing books, and giving workshops. She barely gives a "that's nice", but she expects me to continuously validate her with her own misery and with her frustrations. BPDs have major problems. Us nonBPDs try to share our joy and our excitement with them, but they do not really care. Take care, Lonelyh! You've got what it takes! Enjoy what you have to offer and full speed ahead!

[Surnia]

Yes, go for it, lonely1!

Next time you can tell us first. 

No seriously, its not fun when our loved ones are putting down our success.

For whatever reasons she was invalidating you. It could be fear of changes, or perhaps is she envious about your career? Or perhaps some fear you will have less time with her?

[GopherAgent]

lonely1... .

I know your discouragement. Sadly... .These things may never change and it may only be a temporary

thing that the shouting has stopped. I know how you must feel about being shouted at and treated so badly.

However... .Let's put that aside for a moment and consider your "Golden Opportunity". I detected a moment of sheer glee and happiness in you as you described this opportunity. May I suggest that it will "save" you in some sense and give you some positive feed back that you don't get from your wife. Don't pass this opportunity by. Go for it and embrace it. It can and will be a confidence builder for you and you alone. (She will most likely never understand the significance of your efforts but you do and you can rejoice in your skills and efforts. She can't take those things away from you.)

Don't be let down by her dour response. It is typical of BPD's because they are so focused on themselves and nothing else. Take the "I should have found someone else to tell the good news" line and turn it around and say the "GOOD NEWS" to yourself a hundred times or more. You've earned it.

You are a good person and will find confidence in yourself to forge ahead. This opportunity is your GOLDEN reward for your efforts.

Don't let the BPD steal this.

GopherAgent

[Dr.Me2]

Just today I was accused by my uBPDw of everything and anything.

Yes a pwBPD is totally focused on itself, the accusations, attacks and blame have become more intense and pervasive. It has taken quite a tow on my mental health.

I am trying not to let myself down by her response, not easy. she sets me up for failure and anything I do escalates the situation.

She things that the only problem she has in a bad temper!

[Dr.Me2]

Sorry, I think I posted on the wrong thread

[lonelyh1]

Thanks for the encouragement guys. 

I think I am just going to go for the business opportunity.  I have very little to loose.

Stay strong guys

[Waddams]

lonelyh1 - i understand about feeling isolated and alone.  i'm sorry your family isn't around anymore for you as well.  it's got to be tough.

i do think the first thing we need to do as non's that are w/ BPD's is to accept that the BPD is who they are and won't change.  accept that we won't get what we need from them as partners, at least right now and for the foreseeable future.  that doesn't mean we can't have our needs met in a healthy way. we just have to figure out a way to do it that doesn't rely on the BPD to be part of it.

i'd definitely say go for it w/ regards to the business opportunity.  i personally got so i wouldn't tell my BPDx too many things that were going on at work because it was just easier that way.  do your own thing.  both work wise, and try to start finding other means outside of work.  you need to find a way to take care of you. 

for me, initially, it was some outdoor clubs and martial arts.  i'd go to training classes a few times a week and on outdoor excursions with the clubs.  met a lot of great people, made lots of friends, etc.  and if your BPD is only going to belittle everything, at least right now, then i'd advise to not tell her a whole lot about it all.  it's a boundary of giving her less to attack for the purpose of self-preservation.

[lonelyh1]

My uBPDw is very controlling and does not let me do anything outside the house.  It always becomes a fight.  We only do things she wants to do.  Only see her family not mine. 

Yes I do need other friends.  But she has cut out most of my good friends.  I guess to keep me isolated.

[keith99]

I was married for 12 years and did everything possible to stay with my wife for my sons sake.  My wife over the years got much worse until the situtation at home was unbearable.  I had a ten year old son and the worst part is he started being abusive towards me as well.  It broke my heart.  In the end it was too much to bear and I left and moved back to the uk.  We are now 13000 miles apart and it kills me not to see my son.  For once I stood up to her and told her if she doesnt change Im leaving.

She replied by drawing up divorce papers.  A few months back in the UK and shes trying to get me back.  I actually want to for my sons sake but I cant. Im afraid of her and her rages.  I raised my son, she was a career woman and it feels like part of me is dead not seeing him.  I stayed to try and provide a stable home for him and protect him but it was for nothing. 

I feel so helpless at times.  I did everything and I mean everything.  I tried to appease her, I wore earphones to drown out her rages, I was like a nodding dog.

I had no family support and I knew shed make my life hell if I left and stayed in the same country as her thats why I moved overseas and even from this distance she is making my life hell on earth.

[GreenMango]

You got it Lonely... .go for it. 

That isolation is really hard.  It took awhile to get there its going to take awhile to get back.  Baby steps.

Are there some small thongs to start doing for yourself that you can weather her tantrums over?

Poker night

Softball league

Regular walk in the park

Etc

A regular weekly thing?

[lonelyh1]

It would be great to be able to get out and see other people.  I might even help our relationship, If I can release some of the tension.

But she wont let me do anything.  It is downright frustrating.  And it is making me short tempered.

[Pearl55]

Lonelyh1

What do you mean by that she won't let you to do anything?

[Pearl55]

Lonelyh1

Has your wife theathened you "if you don't shake up, I'll leave". You are worried if you do something that she doesn't like, she will leave you?

[candidcolorado]

Like those before have said, congratulations on the business opportunity, and you should absolutely pursue it! That is good news and you were rightly proud to share, I hope a positive response on here will do a little

[momtara]

My husband came up with reasons to dislike our friends and my family.  These folks are clever about it, though.  He'd never say I couldn't see them - only make me feel really bad about it.

I don't think you should live the rest of your life this way.  So what are some of the options, as you see it?  What are some things you are considering?

I kept giving in to my husband's demands, tiptoeing, following his 'rules,' etc.  Eventually you get into a box and then you can't go anywhere, even if you do all the right things. 

You have mentioned that you can't leave, so going with that theory... .what are some other things you have thought of doing?  You seem like  a good person and deserve at least to be supported and happy.  I don't want you to look back 10 years later and realize you could have done x y and z to improve the situation.  What's on your mind?  Therapy?  Threatening to leave?  Giving an ultimatim? 

As for Keith - I feel for you too.

[lonelyh1]

I tried requesting therapy.  She flat out said she was right, and no one (therapist) could tell her she was wrong.  

I tried to get into therapy when we first were married.  But she said she knows what they(therapist) will say.  This was 9 years ago.


My wife becomes irrationally abusive if I am not around her. I know she picks a fight with me.  And these can last days. I am on edge around her.  

[Pearl55]

When borderlines are alone, they feel like they are INVISIBLE and don't EXCIST. It's not about you, if you think that she craves for you. She would be the same with Mr x,y or z!

[momtara]

I know you want to make it work, and that's commendable.  So what do you think you can do?  Anything?  I remember the darkness that used to descend over me when I came home from work each day to see my husband.  After we had a big fight and the police came, we talked and things got slightly better.  Then downhill again.

I am wondering if things may come to a head with you and your wife, and then you won't have planned it and you will be in worse shape.  But you have held on this long.  Maybe you have figured out how to manage the situation.  Are there any other ideas you have, if therapy doesn't work?  Maybe a mutual friend or a sympathetic relative who can talk to her?

Are you considering any plan to leave if x, y, and z happens?

[lonelyh1]

She has finally pushed me to far.  I know this.  But I also know I might relapse into feeling sorry for her and give it one more chance.  I worry about my son.  Becuase she said she would make sure I never saw him again.  I believe she is capable of this.

I am trying hard to setup a plan to leave.  But I have limited resources and am very cut off from the world.  I feel alone.  I can deal with the loneliness.  

But I can not deal with the gas lighting and devaluation anymore.  

I stopped going to therapy.  It was not helping.  The therapist would not help me find ways to deal with the recurring issues in this relationship.  

[Pearl55]

Lonely1

If you give her one more chane, you will become emotionally weaker. Please accept that she is not able to change unless she acknowledges her issues and work very hard on them. If she is a queen borderline she suffers from NPD as well. She insists that black is white.

My mother in law is a queen as well, I know how hard is to deal with them.

I had these empty threats from my husband that I won't be able to see my son again. Don't even listen to these craps. I moved out 2 weeks ago and I've seen my son quite often. It's really hard for a mum to be away from my son but I had to choose between bad and worse. Think about yourself at the moment and then when you become stronger, you will make a right decision. You are not the only one in this situation so you are able to deal with it.

If you try to find a honest psychiatrist, he or she will make a huge difference in your life. Many therapist don't know what is BPD.

YOU CAN DO IT.

[momtara]

It's different for a man than a woman, though.  Men are discriminated against in family law, and sometimes assumed to be the abusive ones.  As hard as it is, you need to quietly tape it and gather evidence so that she can't someday say you did all the things she did.  Judges don't like when spouses withhold the children, but you have to prove it.  A tape might not be admissible to court, but a guardian ad litem could listen to it, and you could make a transcript.  (All depends if taping is legal in your state.)  I don't want you to end up only seeing your son every other weekend if you are a good and involved dad.  That's another thing - you'll need to show that sometimes you were the main caretaker of him.

If you post on the divorce/separation/legal area, Foreverdad and Matt can help you prepare or give you ideas; they're pretty helpful.  You don't want to fight a years-long custody battle over your son.

It is ok to give 'one more chance' as you've done it before.  Just make sure you are taping, keeping a journal, protecting yourself in case she is the type to make up false charges.  As for therapists, some are good, some are not.  Luck of the draw.

[momtara]

If you have legal questions you can ask lawyes anonymously on avvo.com.

Also, keep posting here - it will help.  Try the legal section to see what you are up against if you go.