How best to serve?

[Knowingishalf]

I finally really did it, papers are signed and filed as of this morning.  Now I have a real question about leaving.  I am leaving and taking my daughter with me including filing primary custody as of today.  I am trying to work out the best way to serve her papers.  I considered having them served directly by constable at her work at the end of the day.  Another option is by certified mail, which I know her the chances of her going to the mail and getting it is slim unless we time for the weekend.  The biggest concern is my daughter with the custody filing.  To have any standing it is my understanding she needs the papers served first.  The mail is the most cost effective but the constable is the fastest.  Anyone have any experience in this?

Thanks

[ForeverDad]

IMO it is best to have a neutral professional do it, one who knows how to handle reactions and overreactions.  Mail would make things far too iffy, too easy for something to not go right.  For example, she could later claim she didn't get served, that what she signed for was something different, that the envelope was empty, whatever.  And if that happened you'd have added lawyer fees to deal with it.  Better to pay the service fee and save yourself the risk of even higher legal fees to deal with arguments about service.  Believe me there will be enough troubles without a question regarding service.  Do try to see if the date/time of service can be done so you know when to be on guard and especially careful.

I recall my separation and divorce filing, she tried to make allegations to either sabotage my case or make me look worse than her.  They were basically ignored, as well as things in my favor too, but she still got temp custody based on one question, "What are the work schedules?"  So make sure your documentation is prepared and available and all your ducks in a row so success is more likely.

Whether there might be unspoken and unwritten gender bias or not, or whether it's the most emotional squeaky wheel that gets the grease, even with the most fair court around, you likely have a struggle ahead of you if not an uphill struggle.  Let's hope your case goes more smoothly than most reported here.

[livednlearned]

If fast is what you need, then use a constable.

At this point, let go of trying to figure out how to minimize the drama. It's going to be a lot of drama for a bit -- divorce does that to anyone, BPD or not.

But if timing is critical, then do what's fastest. I had my ex served by a constable at home.

Good luck. You're doing the right thing. 

Your daughter is going to have a fighting chance -- won't seem like that at first, but she'll get there.

[Knowingishalf]

Thanks for the replies both of you.

I was thinking the same thing I was going to have her served at work, but she works with children and I sort of worried about her reaction there as well.  This is such as crazy thing to juggle all this all at once.  I feel like a juggler with 10 balls in the air currently with work and all the steps for these actions going on behind the scenes. 

I will try to figure out her schedule and line up everything that I need to make sure I can get this done as smoothly and safely as possible.

Thanks

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, she's not a high priority any more.  You and your children are higher on the priority checklist now.  Yes, you can try to minimize the overreactions, you don't want to needlessly aggravate her, but don't avoid it to your detriment or your children's detriment.

Also, consider this... .if it were reversed and she was having you served, would she be concerned about how you reacted or where you were?  Sadly too, a disordered person is less likely to reciprocate nice gestures or concern.

[Knowingishalf]

Wow foreverdad, great points.  Really hit it on the head I believe.

[livednlearned]

The feelings you are experiencing right now are partly physiological reactions to danger. You've been cooking in this boiling water for a while, and now it's hot enough that it's exquisitely painful. But in a few weeks, when you're out of the pot, it will feel amazing to be out of that boiling water. Pretty soon, you'll be cooled down and thinking clearly. Hot water will still splash over onto you, but at least you aren't in it all the time anymore.

[Knowingishalf]

That is the entire goal, every time they are nice I doubt myself... .it is like everything that happened before every day should be forgotten because it never happened to them. I know I can start to see the forest for the trees but it is still hard from here to see it all... .

[livednlearned]

every time they are nice I doubt myself... .it is like everything that happened before every day should be forgotten because it never happened to them.

That is an extremely powerful insight -- hang onto that. It's the root of why you stayed in it for so long.

A healthy response to terrible behavior is to protect yourself. You're doing that. Keep listening to that voice -- that's the good angel 

[catnap]

I finally really did it, papers are signed and filed as of this morning.  Now I have a real question about leaving.  I am leaving and taking my daughter with me including filing primary custody as of today.  I am trying to work out the best way to serve her papers.  I considered having them served directly by constable at her work at the end of the day.  Another option is by certified mail, which I know her the chances of her going to the mail and getting it is slim unless we time for the weekend.  The biggest concern is my daughter with the custody filing.  To have any standing it is my understanding she needs the papers served first.  The mail is the most cost effective but the constable is the fastest.  Anyone have any experience in this?

Thanks

Same thing my son was told about until the papers are served, he was on shaky ground.  Our county allows service by a constable (actual service can take up to 7 business days), he could serve her the papers, or you can use a private process server that can be very swift and receive a phone call that service has been made.  This was very helpful because she didn't have a set schedule to work and could change from week to week.

I am sure your attorney has advised you to have the court papers with you at all times in the event you need to show them to the police. 

[Knowingishalf]

Wonderful details, I will get a copy tomorrow.  I really believe I need to have her served at work.  No matter the cost, I am still in the house this evening playing the depressed husband one more day.  Tomorrow is the day this stress is amazing.

[catnap]

Wonderful details, I will get a copy tomorrow.  I really believe I need to have her served at work.  No matter the cost, I am still in the house this evening playing the depressed husband one more day.  Tomorrow is the day this stress is amazing.

Make extra copies to keep in the car, and to give to anyone that has contact with your daughter--daycare, relatives that keep her, pediatrician, etc.  Son scanned his in and could print off extra copies as needed.  All this was to ensure if his ex tried to take his daughter from someplace they could call the police and show them the order. He did the same thing after he was given sole custody.   

[Knowingishalf]

I called the lawyers office 3 times with no return call.  Ugh so I stalled 1 day to make sure I could get everything so 1 more night in crazy town.

[ForeverDad]

One reaction - really, overreaction - from service is the spouse feels a desperate need to retaliate, to make you look worse than the spouse.  Spoken plainly: false allegations.  So be aware that if your spouse has ever in the past threatened or even contemplated calling the cops on you, then you're at especially high risk of an incident where the police get involved.  Men are carted off more often than women, sadly, surely some are innocent.  When an officer can't be sure who to believe or doesn't even try to decide who might be right or wrong, guess who's told to leave to resolve the immediate incident?  Yeah, you guessed it.

So if your spouse gets upset, even starts harming herself, don't touch her.  Members have written they just tried to brush past to get away or held the spouse to prevent injury and were later accused of slamming the person against the wall or beating the spouse.  At that point, in the extreme emotions of the moments, don't expect honestly, appreciation or reciprocated politeness.  Lies can spew out like water from a fire hydrant.

I called the police in the week before we separated, my ex had just threatened, "I will kill you!" in no uncertain words or voice.  Two officers arrived.  One officer, after they spoke with her, had asked me to hand over our son to her and step away.  I will never know for sure, maybe it was just so my son didn't hear, but it's possible I almost got arrested.  Our preschooler, until then quietly sobbing in my arms, started screaming and clung ever tighter to me.  Imagine a child terrified to go to his mother!  He just stared at me for a long thoughtful moment, said "work it out" and they left.  Seems I had the perfect protection that day, possibly my son Saved me.

Also, be aware of a risk of weekends.  If one of you does get carted off to jail, it'll most likely be overnight, the weekend or until you can get bail.  Can you reach your lawyer in an emergency?  If not, then a trusted friend?  Me?  I carried my voice recorder with me, batteries charged, all the time.  I knew it could help protect me against false allegations either then or later.  Another protection is to have trusted friends ("witnesses" come by and hang around to be sure things don't get out of hand.

[Knowingishalf]

Thanks ForeverDad, I have the neighbors who are police in the district already warned and ready.  I will only speak to her outside with witnesses, and will be recording.  I am worried as to her reaction and did't even want to be near her but someone has to tell her.  I have also gone over what I am doing with him and will alert the precinct tomorrow of my plans to leave and what I am doing.  My entire family is aware and standing by and I will be bringing hers in to the fold just prior.  Her father is actually a Phd on this subject, and is aware of her state of mind as well.  I also have emails from her parents demanding her to get her rage and depression and get in to counseling which she refused. I have so much lined up on this except my poor heart... .that guy is beating out of my chest. I am just worried that some how I missed something somewhere.  And or underestimated her rage and craziness.

[Knowingishalf]

Today is the day.  I spoke at length with my lawyer who advised me against being here in person in case of any rages.  I believe this is sound advice and will follow it.  I have everything packed that I need or want from this house.  Personally I am devastated I have never been this on edge or stressed before.  This is going to rank up there as one of the worst days of my life.  That being said this is something I believe I really need to do and thanks again for all the advice.  I'll hopefully see you on the other side.

[ForeverDad]

If there is tension or conflict afterward and you need something from the house and she's resistant to it or you want to be sure nothing bad happens to you, the police have an 'officer standby' arrangement where an officer will accompany you, usually with advance notice, to retrieve your belongings.  However, understand that if the occupant objects to the removal of any non-personal items, the officer might tell the remover to leave it behind and resolve it through the lawyers and the court.

So if you're thinking you can remove non-personal items after service (or if you lose 'possession', then a lot depends upon her state of mind, cooperative or obstructive.

[livednlearned]

If there is tension or conflict afterward and you need something from the house and she's resistant to it or you want to be sure nothing bad happens to you, the police have an 'officer standby' arrangement where an officer will accompany you, usually with advance notice, to retrieve your belongings.  However, understand that if the occupant objects to the removal of any non-personal items, the officer might tell the remover to leave it behind and resolve it through the lawyers and the court.

So if you're thinking you can remove non-personal items after service (or if you lose 'possession', then a lot depends upon her state of mind, cooperative or obstructive.

I did this. In my area, they call it "domestic assistance." I had the officers go to the house in advance to make sure it was safe. My ex had firearms, and they wanted to be sure he wasn't there with weapons. Then they called me (I was a block away). They instructed me to park on the street, not in the driveway, in case N/BPDx came home and blocked me in.

Then I had about 30 minutes to gather up my belongings, and anything S12 needed. I was not allowed to take "marital property," only belongings that were mine or S12's. Clothing, toiletries, books, etc.

I wasn't allowed to take my pets  :'(  because they were considered marital property. Broke my heart.

The officers stood look-out while I gathered up my stuff and crammed it into laundry baskets and duffel bags, and then they escorted me out of the neighborhood.

That was a pretty surreal day.

[scraps66]

I erroneously used certified mail.  It turns out I fetched the mail that day - she had seen the papers and opted to not empty the mailbox.  Fortunately, like many BP's, she couldn't wait to tell someone else, "blame" me, and told her deranged mother who then told her can't keep his mouth shut husband who then told me.  I held those letters for three weeks and made up numeroud reasons not to serve her.  Retrospectively inadvisably, I "served" her one evening when we were alone at night after the kids were in bed.  It was dicey, she was on the brink of getting violent, threw a phone at me - and then left.  Obviously, she left and went straight to the ATM and withdrew the maximum permitted.