So difficult to know what to do

[Butterfly13]

I am glad to find this site.  I just stumbled on to it!  Thanks for being out there.  We have a 29 year old adopted daughter who we adopted at age 14.  She came with baggage, but thought we could handle.  We knew from the beginning that she needed therapy and got her that but we saw right away that it was not about her and she would not do anything from the therapy to help herself.  This is the way it has been every since.  We have now completed years of trying new therapists, counselors, doctors, meds, and NOTHING!  She won't stay on meds, she won't go back to her appointments, yet she can work the system in her favor like no other I have ever seen.  She is mean, vindictive, abusive, physically and verbally.  She has hit her Dad numerous times, taunting him to hit her, which he did not.  She would not follow the house rules, moved from man to man, possibly woman if she chose, and now we have the baby!  When it got to the point that she was screaming at the infant, causing chaos in our home all the time, creating a very angry and dysfunctional atmosphere, threatening us to take baby and go away when she would not even take care of herself, eat, bathe, etc., and... .numerous threats of suicide, we finally had to go to court and get the baby.  We now have custody.  Our daughter then moved back to her biological mother, but is not satisfied anywhere or with anyone because no one can handle her.  She gets/got on dating sites, meets men/women she does not know, goes to live with them and moves all over.  She is now pregnant again.  At this moment, she has burned all bridges and is in a homeless or women's shelter or somewhere, several hours from us.  I beat myself up every day that we should have/could do something different and bring her back home.  I am worried sick about the 2nd baby.  She has lost or tried to loose others.  But... with the abuse, and the 20 month old baby, and my husband who is 65, retired, stays home and keeps baby... .there is no way we can have her in our home!  I know she is sick, but she is smart and knows how to manipulate, abuse, and get anything she wants.  It seems so hopeless!  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[popeye6031]

Hi Butterfly and welcone to the BPD family.

I am very sorry to hear of your dilemma.  It sounds really tough and although my experience with BPD is my relationship with my undiagnosed fiancee but I know you will find a lot of people here in the same situation.

Please have a look at the following link to see those who you will be able to relate to and will offer great advice.

Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board

How does your husband feel about the situation?

I think you are right in not having her in your home as you need to take care of yourselves and the baby.  I really wish you the best of luck with things and hope you will stay with this website. It will definitely help.

[peaceplease]

Butterfly13,

.  I would like to join popeye6031 in welcoming you.  This site is a great find!  I have been helped with this site for the last four years.   You will find much support here.

I am sorry that you daughter is pregnant again and moved back to her biomom.  I can imagine the hurt you feel after all you have been through.  I have a daughter, age 29, with suspected BPD.  She has a 6 year old son.

I am glad that you were able to get custody of your grandbaby.

When you are ready, I hoe you will join us on the parents board.

peaceplease

[breakfreerut]

I really feel with your situation.  I'm in a similar boat now with my wife and things seem hopeless too.  Like you situation, my wife's left and has been 6 days now and my insides feel like ice.  Worrying doesn't help and when she emails me I'm so tempted to rebut.  My psych says not to respond but I just did again with 2 works "thank you" for a sermon she posted me thinking it was just polite to do so.  Then I realized to my horror that through the sermon, my wife it actually trying to blame me for character flaws.

Made a mistake yet again!  I really a newbie with this.

... and I feel strongly with you about her being manipulative and abusive and get anything she wants!  My wife's the same and stupid enough, I would just give in to stop the nagging and tantrums.

[jellibeans]

what a kind heart you have to take in a 14 year old and one with so many problems. I just have a few questions.

Does she have any contact with you and her baby now? Is there any communication at all?

Your daughter is now an adult and by what you have written she capable of taking care of herself so I don't think you need to worry so much about her but I can see there is just cause to worry about the unborn baby. Is she capable of taking care of this new baby? Is the father in the picture? What is really your biggest fear going forward?

[BioAdoptMom3]

 , to a site we don't want to need, but one for which we are so grateful!  This board is filled with tons of support and encoruagement for those of us who deal day to day with the trials of raising a child with BPD.  Our DD is also adopted (we got her at birth as a foster child born to drug addicted bio parents) and is now 14.  She is diagnosed with the traits of BPD.  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I know you feel guilty, but it sounds like your plate is already full and I am sure that bringing her back to your home would not be wise as you have already said.  I am glad you have custody of your grandchild!  I wish I could offer advice to you, but have not yet been down the road you are on.  Just know that we are here for you!