need help on planning the split

[READY2LEAVE]

thanks for the welcome. To answer your question about her diagnosis-she has not been officially diagnosed. I stumbled on the eggshell book in a bookstore and my eyes were opened! Everything in the book and video matched so well I was floored. I am a trained observer (medical-optometry) but had no experience in psychological disorders. I'm adult child of Alcoholic myself and always thought I was the abnormal one. My self esteem really improved once I realized she did have a severe and real disorder.

The real question is when am I going to get the guts to stop pretending we're going to work this out? My life has sucked with the exception of my kids. I have little hope that I have the ability/strength/knowledge to have any success handling her behavior in the next years. She verbally abuses. She never backs down on any feeling or opinion. She can't be convinced her opinion is not more important than anyone else's.

The other question is if I've been so unhappy- why can't I pull the trigger and leave? After learning about what BPD's are capable of I'm very concerned. She's already told me she can't stand me and wants me dead! I read where it's safer to get her to be the one to leave.

How do I get her to think a split is her idea? I'm thinking of telling her we need to move back to Ohio (I work in Ohio but live in Georgia). That would not be acceptable to her. What do you other members think?

[Clearmind]

Welcome Ready!

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

I'm not sure about whether its easier for her to leave or you - I would suggest if you are not happy then there is no reason why you cannot make the move.

Also so you are prepared legally can I strongly suggest you post on the Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody board what your intentions are. There are certain things that you should do to get things in order legally before leaving. Planning is key!

I'm sorry to hear you are having difficulties. Certainly take a look at the link and let us know how you are going.

[Aussie0zborn]

Organize yourself. Get legal advice first. Let your lawyer know you are dealing with a person who is likely to be high conflict and ensure your lawyer understands this and covers ALL bases. Once you have this information you will know what to do. 

[catnap]

Married since 1980. Just discovered wife is BPD. Always knew something was wrong but I was very inexperienced in relationships. Also just figured out a year ago wife had sex 1 time with mutual acquaintence 17 years ago when I told her I was unhappy and had set up an apartment. Also found out she considers that she did me a favor by staying with me as a way to keep the family together which is the same reason I ended up staying myself. My 2 children are adults now (30 yo son and 23 yo daughter). Complicated factor: wife has MS and cannot really do everything for herself-she can't drive, can't write, walks on her own but very slowly. No family for her to rely on- she's pissed them all off over the years. Fear: Can't economically afford to divorce- scared about court committing me for more financial support than I have. She's a compulsive spender although since she can't get out that has not been a big issue lately. Fear: what will my kids think. They know we're not happy-they know she's a pain-but what will happen to her?-They do love her-she was a good mother. Been dealing with this for a year now. Asked God to figure out a solution by Jan 2014. Maybe this support group is part of his plan. I have to do this myself or she will think I was manipulated by others. Currently spend 4 days apart (I work away from home) and 3 days together. She can accompany me on my travel but to save money she hasn't for about 2 months now-it's driving her crazy not knowing exactly what I'm doing-though I work 12 hours+ each of those work days.

I copied your introductory post so that our members here had a better picture of your situation. 

My advice would be to consult several attorneys (some offer free or low-cost consults) to see what your likely outcome will be. 

[ForeverDad]

Regarding changing states of residence, before forcing a move first find out from lawyers in each state (in confidential legal consultations) what the typical outcome is for support issues in divorces after a long marriage.  While there are still some states that issue lifetime alimony, more states are switching to "transition & training" alimony for a few years to give the disadvantaged spouse time and opportunity to adjust to post-marriage life and find a career or get training for one.

However, if your spouse has a chronic health problem that may be a situation where a court could grant longer alimony.

She verbally abuses. She never backs down on any feeling or opinion. She can't be convinced her opinion is not more important than anyone else's.

Hmm, sounds like my ex, and so many other ex-spouses.

Meanwhile, if she has been verbally abusing you, it would be a good idea to quietly document (=record) them because if you later report her verbal abuse and she naturally denies it or claims you're the actual abuser, you would need some support for your claims. That means don't shove a phone recorder or whatever in her face, quietly means "as though you were doing nothing out of the ordinary".  You don't want to needless trigger your spouse.

[GaGrl]

Purely from a financial standpoint, is your wife receiving any disability payments?  That could factor into ongoing support.

[livednlearned]

It takes a lot to recognize that the marriage is over and you're ready to live a healthy life. 

Having a disability may affect how much you are ordered to pay her in support. Like FD suggested, can you get free confidential consultations in both Georgia and Ohio? Family law is different from state to state so it might be more advantageous to divorce her in Ohio, or vice versa. You probably already know this, but it's important that you don't tip your hand to your spouse about filing for divorce. Things can escalate quickly. Ideally, you'll get enough consultations to feel prepared to create a good plan for yourself. Are you seeing a therapist? A lot of people here struggle with FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), which is why we end up staying in these relationships for too long. Those same traits tend to play out big time during divorce, and if your wife has MS, you may be prone to sabotaging yourself during the divorce process. If you have a good T, or can find one you feel good about working with, the T will be able to help you make assertive, healthy choices. 

I was married 10 years and N/BPDx was ordered to pay alimony for half the period of time we were married. That's a fairly generous alimony arrangement from what I've read here. I'm dating someone who was married for 20 years, and he will pay alimony for only 7.5 years of their marriage.

It's fortunate that your kids will not be involved in any custody disagreements -- that's a HUGE silver lining.

Hang in there. This is not an easy process, BPD or not. But friends here have a lot of helpful advice to share, and we're pulling for you.