Not Looking Forward to This, But I Can Do It

[Verbena]

Life has been more peaceful the past couple of months with my DD28 than I can ever remember, and there's a reason for that.  I hardly ever see her even though she lives ten minutes away.  I saw her September 1 when she asked her father and me over to eat and then two days later on my birthday.  I've run into her twice since then, once at the grocery store and once at the nail salon.  She did extend a last minute invitation to come over this past Sunday night, but I politely declined saying we were tired and would be in church until 7:30 which was true.  I just didn't want to go honestly. 

We are communicating through text and the occasional phone call, but I am so wary of physically being around her. This Saturday night she is giving a bridal shower in her home for a good friend, a girl I once taught, have known for years, and really like.  I've already gotten out of going to the first shower given for this friend and have declined to go to the wedding which has not made my daughter happy. 

At the end of March my DD found out that I had discussed her BPD behavior with her now former best friend.  It was the biggest drama of her life--and there have been many dramas.  I am well aware that she painted me black and told many lies about me to whoever would listen including every person who will be attending this shower.  I may not know exactly what she said to them, but if it was only 1/10 of the garbage she said to me it was an earful. 

I don't hide my feelings very well, and there won't be a young woman there who doesn't know every detail, or at the least the version told by my DD.  I just dread it.  One of DD's friends I especially am not looking forward to being around after she sent me an extremely long e-mail setting me straight about what my daughter is really like and chastising me for my horrible behavior.  I realize this friend is either clueless or has been manipulated to the point of being brainwashed, but still.  I never responded to the e-mail at all, and I highly doubt anything will be said about it.  But she will be there and I'm not looking forward to it. 

I guess what I dread the most is the show my DD will put on.  It's very important to her that she appear the loving, forgiving daughter and that I do and say the right things.  I can't believe I said I would even go.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

Hi Verbena,

You are right in your title- You CAN do this.

I very much understand your feeling that things go better when there is less contact. And I can certainly understand your worried thoughts about being at a party where most there have been told untrue things about you.

I am feeling that the rift that would be caused if you don't go to the shower will be harder to take than what you face if you do go. Is there a way you can just go, be yourself, not let any of it get under your skin? If you can then maybe you can have a good time with the celebration for the girl you used to teach that you like. Maybe you can simply focus on HER and her enjoyment of the party. Give her something really great!

I guess what I dread the most is the show my DD will put on. 

I get such an unsettled feeling to be around my BPDSD22 when she is around other people and putting on whatever "act" she needs in that moment. It is almost as if you can see a process underway as she runs through a few identities, searching for the one that fits best with the situation. She can go from brash and brassy to sweet and demure so quickly! The sweet and demure girl is the one that charms most people and it really puts me in a bad mood when she turns it on.

If the girl who sent you the email is at the party, just let her see you acting yourself. Do you think your daughter's friends are totally clueless about her issues and problems? I find that most people who are around my SD for any length of time begin to see some behaviors that don't feel in line with good mental health. I don't think she can keep herself from acting out when she is cycling down into her illness.

Maybe if the girl who sent the email can see how you interact with your DD in person she will begin to see that you aren't a monster- even if you have been portrayed in that manner.

Let us know what you decide and how it goes! And good luck!

thursday

[Verbena]

Thank you for your response, thursday.  I think you're right that not going at all would cause more problems.  That's why I said I would attend even though one of my boundaries is to not put myself in social situations where her friends are present.  I'm sure my daughter saw through my excuses for not attending the first shower or the wedding, but she didn't make too big of an issue of it other than trying to make me feel guilty by saying at least half a dozen times the friend thinks so highly of me and was so disappointed I wasn't there. 

Like your sd, my daughter can be very sweet and charming.  She has many people fooled with her pretense, something I'm not very good at.  My feelings always show on my face no matter what I actually say.  But yes, I can just be myself and put my focus on the friend who is being honored with this shower.  I am working all day at my church on Saturday re-doing some landscaping, so I may be too worn out from that to stress about the shower by the time I get there anyway.

The main reason the former best friend came to me with her concerns about my dd was because she witnessed the craziness for years and was often the target of rages, projections, etc.   According to her, dd keeps her behavior in check, for the most part, around most of her other friends.  But I would still think they have seen plenty. 

So I will go to this shower and pray that it goes smoothly.  I know that I can't avoid being around my daughter forever, and that's not what I really want anyway.  I miss seeing her like I used to; I just don't miss the problems seeing her causes. 

On another note, any advice on how to get out of a new situation that just came up?  DD's husband's aunt is hosting a 31 Party (it's a company that sells monogrammed totes and bags and such) in a couple of weeks, and I am invited.  Last January, I helped dd host a 31 Party and managed to get myself into a lot of trouble there. 

One of DD's prime enemies at the time, her SIL, was there and I was accused of being too friendly with her and betraying dd with my over-the-top behavior.  To bolster these accusations against me, dd claimed that her best friend, the one she now hates, agreed with her that I was way out of line.  The best friend actually came very late to the party, wasn't even there when I interacted with the SIL, and didn't even know that dd was upset with me.  I pointed out that fact, but dd stuck to her story.  I've already made up my mind that I am not attending, but I have no idea what to say as an excuse that won't cause a big stink. 

[qcarolr]

Sometimes less is better. Can you let the Aunt know you have all you need of 31 products, thank her for the invite?

qcr

[Verbena]

I guess I worry too much.  The shower went fine.  It was a little awkard and DD did put on the typical facade.  She even took a couple of jabs at me which I didn't even realize until later because she's so clever and charming.  But, it was not bad.   The girl who wrote me the letter was there, and she was especially friendly and acted completely normal.  Sometimes I think all that's happened, this year in particular, was really just a bad dream... .

QCR, I think I will respond to the aunt's 31 Party invite with something along those lines.  Maybe DD won't even bring it up.  I've decided I'm not going to worry another minute about it.  I need to learn that worrying does no good. 

[pessim-optimist]

  You DID it!

QCR, I think I will respond to the aunt's 31 Party invite with something along those lines.  Maybe DD won't even bring it up.  I've decided I'm not going to worry another minute about it.  I need to learn that worrying does no good.  

For a long time, I have lived under the impression that if I say NO, I have to give some kind of valid reason, until I read    

Boundaries - by Henry Cloud PhD, John Townsend PhD. It was a real eye-opener, and a great help!

It's perfectly fine to say "I won't be able to make it this year, but thank you for the invitation" or anything like that.

[Verbena]

While the shower last week went fine, I discovered yesterday that I did something while there that offended DD.  Apparently while I was holding the two-month old of one of her friends, another friend asked me if I was ready for grandchildren.  I do not even remember being asked that question by anyone, but it was reported to my daughter after I left the party that I said, "No!  They're not ready for children."  I didn't say that. 

Either DD made it up or the friend made it up or misunderstood me if she indeed did ask me.  Again, I don't remember anyone asking me anything about grandchildren.  The good news is DD didn't fly into a rage over the situation; she discussed it calmly with me yesterday.  However, she did briefly push me away all week by ignoring my texts.  Now she has pulled me back with an invitation to go to a movie this afternoon. 

DD let me know that if anyone asks me about grandchildren in the future, I need to show the proper excitement.  I can't tell her that the thought of her trying to deal with the stress of a child terrifies me. 

This is just more proof that I do not need to be around her friends, a boundary that I set for myself and broke by going to the shower.  At least it will just be us at the movies today, and I will have an excuse to keep my mouth shut.