What Is The Most Ridiculous Thing You Have Ever Been Accused Of?

[nomoremommyfood]

These are irresistibly fun to read (no offense). Does anyone else find these funny in retrospect?

1.) I liked one Nirvana bootleg more than a different Nirvana bootleg, while he liked them equally. Because of this, we are "incompatible and should break up".

2.) I'm a "status quo-seeking yuppie" because I enjoyed The Sopranos. Because of this, we are "incompatible and should break up." Note: dBPDbf has never seen The Sopranos.

3.) I called a bank in his presence. Because of this, I am "subconsciously trying to destroy him and we should break up."

[PuzzledMate]

She said I made her feel temporary in my life because I:

1.  Won't listen to her, even if she wants to vent her frustrations with me at a funeral

2.  Won't scold my kids for not thanking her if she provides dinner (fast food or otherwise)

3.  Won't defend her crazy antics or lie to cover up her lack of reality

4.  Use her towel and I make sure I use most of the hot water taking a shower (completely absurd)

5.  Make her pump her own gas in her car (this one was my favorite)

[MammaMia]

itgirl

Yes, sometimes it is hard not to just laugh out loud at the absurdity of their accusations.

We are not crazy, we are tolerant.  Sometimes waaaay too much, but as we all know, there is little point in arguing with someone wBPD.  It is a no win situation.

[Hope26]

I want to thank SweetCharlotte for answering my question about what 'JADEing' means.  And to answer Phoebe123's question, I guess I would/will try to stop doing that, and try to remain calm.  We can't always get away from the pwBPD, for example if we are in a vehicle when the 'raging' happens.  But I suppose that we can always control our reactions.  Something I read on one of these boards yesterday talked about how we can't verbalize our way out of these situations.  The BPD isn't in any mood to listen to rational talk when they're irrationally angry.

[Clearmind]

After reading this thread I'm beginning to think WE ARE THE CRAZY ONES! 

Why do we put up with this stuff?  For me, dealing with this type of crazy is not worth it.  But then again... .we are also clearly crazy 

Maybe not crazy however it girl you are onto something here. To detach it helped me more to realise why I stayed rather than the "my BPD did this and did that".

Why did we put up with it? The answer lies within not our ex's.

[Changingman]

You should go and see a doctor! There's something wrong with you!

[123Phoebe]

I want to thank SweetCharlotte for answering my question about what 'JADEing' means.  And to answer Phoebe123's question, I guess I would/will try to stop doing that, and try to remain calm.  We can't always get away from the pwBPD, for example if we are in a vehicle when the 'raging' happens.  But I suppose that we can always control our reactions.  Something I read on one of these boards yesterday talked about how we can't verbalize our way out of these situations.  The BPD isn't in any mood to listen to rational talk when they're irrationally angry.

Hi Hope!  

Nope, and it's invalidating to try and get them to listen to reason during those times.

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner (or the BPD person in your life)

[SuzyQ33]

I have been laughing so much now... .wasting toilet paper... .10/10!  But yes I know it is not funny when you are actually in the situation... .

Way back when, my husband was dis-regulating for a couple of days, spiraling way out of control, and me trying to calm him and getting him off the roller-coaster he put his mind on... .him getting more and more accusatory, more frantic and eventually raging about everything.  Then in the evening he said he had a solution to the problem... .I am emotionally unstable and he will make an appointment with a psychologist for me the next day!  And there... .problem solved... .he got out of the spiral and was calmer again.

And he did not make the appointment the next day... .wow what a surprise ... .

I have always tried calming, reassuring, validating him when I see an "episode" coming, him building himself up into a frenzy... .but only recently have I decided to stay out of it, take everyone else out of it, not try to calm him (trying to calm him makes it worse actually) or let him rage all he likes at a completely non-responsive person... .I just think of other things, or try to imagine a song I like... .and then I am not baited to respond, and his dis-regulation subsides... .eventually.

I must say that SET works great with the kids, but sad to say I have not used it in its full form for the  husband... .I don't think I WANT to validate anything he says... .shame on me... .

[Hope26]

Yes, these responses are hilarious, and I for one think that the laughter is very healing... .at least for me it is.  If we can laugh at these things we've all been through, we can hopefully deal with the next rage or crisis more easily and calmly.  What a great topic!  I am pretty new here still, but it seems like the responses to this one go on and on.  I hope they keep coming.  Laughter is the best medicine!  Has anyone else been accused of 'repeating themselves too much', even when they are asking the pwBPD if they can do something for them, like fix them a meal (I only asked twice within a couple hours).  The 'repeating myself' seems to be a recurring rage trigger in our house, even though I'm not asking HIM to do anything, and it's never about the same subject twice.  It seems to happen frequently when I get enthusiastic about something, as though I seem to be getting too potentially happy.

[maxsterling]

An ex girlfriend, whom I highly suspect was either NPD or BPD had some weird ones:

Once she accused her 11 year old son of conspiring in his own kidnapping, the "kidnapper" being his best friend's mother.  My ex was suspicious because her son had stayed the night at the friend's house.  She actually cussed him out and shoved him around the room to punish him for this.

If I wore deodorant, she would sniff at my armpits and claim it was the scent of anther woman, my "other girlfriend".  She claimed to know exactly who this other woman was and what she looked like, because it came to her in a "vision".  She then would tell me to use a condom when I was with my other girlfriend, and if I told her there was no other girlfriend, she would then say that a young man like me should be cheating on her and that I was a loser if I wasn't.

I should add that she was a binge-drinker and a pothead, and her weird accusations were always after she got stoned.

With my current dBPDgf, I have gotten questions if there is another girlfriend, but I can't tell if she is accusing me or even being serious.  She also does the sniff my armpits thing - but so far it is not related to her thinking I have someone else.  She does assume the whole world is conspiring against her - especially employers - but nothing too outlandish.

 

[GreenMango]

BPD received the label borderline because

it was thought to occur on the border between psychotic and neurotic behavior.

Its important not to personalize these things.  It is a serious mental illness that affects cognition (thinking), emotions, and behavior.  These things work in concert like a cascade effect.

It's also important if you are in a relationship and dealing with these paranoid delusions or dissociative episodes to know when to decipher where the line is and how to handle them appropriately.  When to validate, what to validate, what not to validate, and what to let go.

Toilet paper - let it go, laugh (to yourself)

Accusations of unfounded persecution or paranoid ideation of abandonment spiralling into destructive behavior - these things can escalate to a melt down with the fears feeding on eachother.

How do you handle them so you don't make it worse is a good question to ask yourself?

I know I made these episodes much worse.  My experience was outside of the "I plan on dying young" statements and the self destructive behaviors (self medicating) - the vortex that these paranoid episodes caused long term mood issues that took months to rebound from becuase they would linger in the background for quite some time.

[Dr.Me2]

I think all in all the most ridiculous thing I have been accused of by my uBPDw is the behaviour and consequences of her emotional dysregulation.

That sums it all and make things incredibly challenge for the none.

[maxen]

that i took her for granted by leaving her upstairs, when i was downstairs - doing our laundry.

that by leaving me for someone else, she was saving herself "this time" - though she's done this to three other men before.

oh, there are so many more.

[maryy16]

Hope26... .I also get accused of "repeating myself".  Once I said "goodbye" to my H before leaving for work.  I got outside and remembered that I had left something inside, so I came back into the house to get it.  When I left again I said "Bye, I'm leaving for real this time. Haha". 

Well, that set him off on a tirade of how I don't need to say things "over and over" and why do I always have to repeat myself. He was dysregulated for two days over that one!

Oh, the joys of BPD.

[momtara]

To someone who has a disease involving fear of abandonment, "I'm leaving for real this time" ... .well... .

(Not that it's your fault!  Just saying there's a reason it might have set him off... .)

[Hope26]

Maryy16, I'll bet it has happened at other times too (being accused of repeating yourself). Besides when leaving for work. I had never heard of BPD prior to marrying my uBPDH.  Two things made me suspect mental illness, and got me researching to try to figure it out.  One was that the accusations causing the rages are not consistently caused by the same behavior on our part.  Lord knows we'd probably all try to change our behavior if we could predict what would cause a rage.  The other is that the things that anger them are so ridiculously petty that they make others laugh.  That's why this thread is so entertaining!  And therapeutic.

[Dr.Me2]

I am accused by my uBPDw for they way she feels and that I left when she pushed me away and that her anger and rage. All it is my fault because she thinks I own and are responsible for her feelings.

I mentioned to her that everybody is entitled to her feelings and emotions but the way we react to them is something we can all learn how to regulate for the better. She raged and burst calling me a selfish person!

[doubleAries]

I have 2 "favorites". I'm not actually undecided either; we've been divorced for several months now. But this subject title caught my eye.

first one: (ex) "you are obviously making it too warm in the room in order to dominate me".

second one: On the way to the hospital for my hysterectomy, ex turned around to go back to the house for his fire dept pager (we were both volunteer fire dept members--I still am, he isn't). I asked why. He said ":)uh! In case there's a page!" I said "so what--if there's a page, you're going to leave me on the side of the road to hitch hike to the hospital while you respond to someone elses emergency?" He glared at me. Some time later we had an argument about this incident. I tried to tell him how much this had hurt my feelings and he interrupted me to say "you know what I think the problem is? You just aren't happy unless you are the center of attention."

Holy hangovers, Batman... .

[HoldingAHurricane]

Once I worked late so he came by the office to see me. I was working at a different site so my usual office was closed. He decided I was a secret government agent and my regular job was a cover story.

He regularly believes that I have spy software installed on his phone and computer. When he disappears from home he takes the battery out of his phone so I can track him with satellites.

I bought him clothes once as a gift once and he raged about me making financial decisions by myself and how disrespectful it was.


Laughter is such a cleanser. As much as I understand the desire not to let this forum become a venting place with no forward movement , there is value is knowing we are not alone. For me, as hurtful as these accusations can be I get more and more able to not participate in conversations where his transient paranoia can be put on me.

[Diana82]

My ex lover turned friend once made a joke about herself being "bipolar and eating bricks". Strange joke I know!

And a month later I referred to that joke. And last week in a lash out session she accused me of calling her a "bipolar junkie"!

I tried to defend myself by clarifying I never called her that and she made this joke about herself. But it seemed to make her crazy! She accused me of "constantly rehashing" it!

She still won't admit I never called her that.

[necchi]

BPD received the label borderline because

it was thought to occur on the border between psychotic and neurotic behavior.

Its important not to personalize these things.  It is a serious mental illness that affects cognition (thinking), emotions, and behavior.  These things work in concert like a cascade effect.

" i plan on dying Young" this is something i heard many time, i don't see myself being old" is this something you guys experience? Is it common?

It's also important if you are in a relationship and dealing with these paranoid delusions or dissociative episodes to know when to decipher where the line is and how to handle them appropriately.  When to validate, what to validate, what not to validate, and what to let go.

Toilet paper - let it go, laugh (to yourself)

Accusations of unfounded persecution or paranoid ideation of abandonment spiralling into destructive behavior - these things can escalate to a melt down with the fears feeding on eachother.

How do you handle them so you don't make it worse is a good question to ask yourself?

I know I made these episodes much worse.  My experience was outside of the "I plan on dying young" statements and the self destructive behaviors (self medicating) - the vortex that these paranoid episodes caused long term mood issues that took months to rebound from becuase they would linger in the background for quite some time.

[necchi]

" i plan on dying Young" this is something i heard many time, i don't see myself being old" is this something you guys experience? Is it common?

[ThisWayUp]

I was accused today of asking if she wanted a drink with her dinner. I was supposed to just give her a drink without having to ask. I only asked because I saw her drinking some apple juice a few minutes earlier and didn't know if she still had a drink "on the go" at the time.

Really... .I'm such an abusive bullying piece of crap aren't I?

[MammaMia]

marinro7

Yes.  I hear... ."I am almost 40 and I have done everything I wanted to do in life". "I hope the world blows up because people are so evil and it is getting worse. I wish it would happen now... .let's get it on". "God can call me home anytime."

It is a common thread.  :)BPDs says he is not suicidal... .God is going to take care of everything and the end is very near for all of us.

Food for thought to be sure.

[GreenMango]

Jealousy, hostility, and accusations all have roots in insecurity which can snowball.

Here's a bit on the Jealousy workshop it may help.  It addresses how to handle accusations:

How to handle a jealous partner who is also BPD?

Jealousy creates a very hostile and uncomfortable environment, for both people. Each one suffers, though in different ways. Trying to stop it before it gets out of control is very important, since once it becomes an ingrained part of the relationship, it is very difficult and slow to change. Research shows much of the jealousy amongst couples stems from a lack of security in the relationship. With a fear of abandonment at the core of many who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, this can become a real issue for their partners to deal with. The BPD doesn’t feel confident about their partners love, so they constantly look for clues to reassure themselves. They ask too many questions. They call too often to check up on their significant other. They often even make outrageous accusations from the most innocent encounters. This puts the loved one in a real bind. How do they handle these pleas and demands for reassurance, when they feel they are doing nothing wrong?

The BPD is saying, in essence, that they aren’t comfortable with something the partner is doing. Yet many times the accusation is based on scanty knowledge, incorrect interpretations, and make-believe beliefs. The BP wants reassurance and changes to make them feel better NOW, but to do that, the partner ends up changing so much that they lose a part of themselves in the process.

This is how the cycle works: the BPD feels anxious or insecure about the partner and they express it as jealousy and ask for change. The partner, wanting to be accommodating and helpful, makes the adjustment. Now the BP feels better, but soon enough, the green monster rears its head, and the BP again looks for relief by asking for more change. It becomes like an addiction. Something the BP needs to feel better about themselves. The more the partner adjusts and changes, the better the BP feels. Meanwhile, the poor partner is left feeling controlled and attacked for doing nothing wrong.  But the problem isn’t really stemming from the partners behavior (in most cases), it is coming from the BP’s own insecurities, so eventually, no amount of change will ever fully satisfy the demands of the BP and quickly the BP feels like the partner isn’t doing enough to make them feel better.  Round and round it goes, getting worse and worse and worse, and making each person feel miserable with each other.

One of the things that many partners do when they feel pressured and harassed by frequent phone calls and questions from the BP, is to start to avoid answering the phone and dodging questions as much as possible. The partner starts to conceal and withhold thoughts, feelings, and other info also. It is natural to react this way, since you are trying to establish some areas of freedom and independence. Unfortunately, this secrecy and avoidance can backfire, in actually making the BP even more suspicious of your intentions, thus making things worse instead of better. A fear of abandonment is at the core of the BP’s problems, so withholding and avoidance triggers them into defense mode.

First, as hard as this may seem, you need to ask yourself “is there any justification for the jealousy?” Are you dressing in ways to attract attention? Do you frequently talk to strangers of the opposite sex? Are you evasive and secretive about some of your activities (even if you feel justified)? Did you maybe stand a little too close to an opposite sex friend? Did you flirt and laugh too much, while ignoring your partner? Are you acting like you are still single, instead of part of a couple? If any of these apply, then fix those problems first.

If you answered no, then the problem most likely isn’t you, it’s your partners. So how do you handle a problem that isn’t yours? Why should it be your responsibility to fix it? Because if you really care about the relationship, then getting it into a healthier state is crucial for the long term success you are seeking. If you don’t think you can, or you don’t think you should have to, then do nothing, and the relationship is doomed to die from anger, distrust, and jealousy.

~~ If you want to make an effort towards change, then here’s some things that can help change the dynamics over time. Remember, this didn’t get to this point quickly, so it will take time to see any results.  ~

1.   Experts suggest choosing a quiet peaceful time to discuss this openly and calmly. You need to ask directly what is driving the jealousy and really try and listen to your loved ones fears. Don’t make the mistake of dismissing them as groundless and baseless, even if you feel they are. Being told that they shouldn’t have the feelings they are feeling only makes them more upset and insecure (this is a form of Invalidation . Read the workshop on how to avoid this pitfall). Just listen and ask questions to deepen your understanding of how and why they feel as they do.

2.    Validate them as much as you can, without owning the problem and assuming all responsibility for it. Validation means that we understand and accept our partners feelings, desires, pain, and thoughts. It does not mean we have to agree with them. “I can see how you would feel that way.” “I know you are really upset over this.” BP’s are very sensitive to being Invalidated , so the more you can accept what they are saying, feeling, and expressing, the more secure and trusting they will feel.

3.   Reassure your partner that you truly care about them with your actions, not your words.  Constantly telling them "but I love you dear" isn't helping, since your partner is reacting to what they believe you are doing, not anything real. You can help reassure them with actions by not avoiding them (if you are) when they call and being more open with them about your activities. This will help soothe and reassure the BP that you are being open and honest with them. It won’t happen quickly, but they will begin to become less anxious over time. The hardest part is for the partner not to revert back to old habits of withholding and avoiding to maintain some autonomy and independence.

4.   Negotiate some agreements about reasonable BOUNDARIES around certain issues, such as agreeing to a limited number of phone calls at work (ex. no more than 3 a day), or agreeing to come home at prearranged time frames. Set reasonable time intervals (5:15 to 5:45) for arriving home from work in case of traffic or errands. These limits are to give you - the partner - a sense of control over your life, while also reassuring the BP that this isn’t a sign of trouble. If something major comes up, then you need to call to inform and reassure the BP so they don’t get triggered and go into a jealous frame of mind. Be proactive instead of reactive. Going out with friends and coworkers to maintain some outside friends is also something that needs to be discussed and agreed upon, by both people in a fair fashion. The BP may wish to have veto power, but there needs to be a certain amount of trust on their part, or it becomes too one sided and not really a fair negotiation. Both people need to have some outside influences, or the relationship is too emeshed and controlling.

5.   The BP also needs to practice asking for the support and attention they crave, instead of attacking and accusing. The two of you can come up with a prearranged signal or phrase that will be easy to say and remember, that will alert the partner that the BP needs some attention and time. This too, can’t be abused though, and needs to be within reasonable limits, or it will become too much of a burden and the partner will begin to resent the demands.

~~  Important... .If your partner becomes hostile or abusive - at any point in how they speak to you, then it is time for a TIME OUT . There is never any justification for our partners to become abusive towards us, and we never want to try to validate abuse.

None of these are any guarantee that things will get better. It will take work for both people to break the habit of jealousy and distrust. The more open both people can be, the more trust that will be built. Trying to see things from a position of love and acceptance goes a long way in meeting each partners needs. If the BP isn’t willing to accept certain boundaries, or, if they aren’t making progress towards more trust, then things may have to be rethought, because a relationship with jealousy and mistrust as a central part of it, can’t survive.



Refernces:

* www.lovenemotions.com/dating/jealous-girlfriend-what-to-%20do.php

* The Truth About Deception.com

www.truthaboutdeception.com/question/quick_answer/how_to_deal_with_a_jealous_partner.html

* From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

www.savingmymarriagenow.com/articles/dealing-with-a.html

* www.drphil.com/articles/article/315

*depression guide.com

www.depression-guide.com/relationship/jealous-husband.htm

*What to Do When Your Partner's Jealousy Threatens to Destroy Your Relationship

by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.

www.behavioralconsultants.com/partner's_jealousy.htm

* Adapted from Overcoming Relationship Impasses by Barry L. Duncan, Psy.D., and Joseph W. Rock Psy.D. Copyright (C) 1991 by Plenum Press. Reprinted by arrangement with Insight Books, a division of Plenum Press. www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=34702&page=5

[Changingman]

" i plan on dying Young" this is something i heard many time, i don't see myself being old" is this something you guys experience? Is it common?

Yes Marinro7,

She was 18 years younger than me, I know stupid right. We looked about the same age, she used to say 'with my lifestyle we'll probably die at the same time.

[Samuel S.]

The most ridiculous thing I have ever been acused of is having a negative attitude, thereby causing an accident which even the insurance companies determine to be the other person's fault. I was really having a great day. I was feeling good. I had a positive attitude. My BPDw was at work. I did some errands. I exited a freeway where there was a stoplight that was red, and other cars in front of me had stopped. Naturally, I stopped to wait for us to get the green light. Suddenly, in the back mirror, I see this car not stopping, and she hit me at about 30 MPH. I got a whiplash condition, and I got treatment for it. Now, I am fine. When it came to taking care of the expenses, my BPDw said that my attitude was negative, thereby causing an accident. She continued to rationalize the whole incident, and she eventually came up with the reason why she was so adamant about this situation. She has a 17 year old daughter, and my BPDw thought I should be flexible, because if it were her daughter who had created such an accident, then, she would hope that the other person having been hit would show some flexibility. Afterwards, I got angry and said that I was in a very positive mood, that I was at a legal stop, that the insurance companies said it was the other person's fault (she was late to work!), that I was being inconvenienced due to her tardiness, that it was not her daughter, that this other person who hit me needs to learn a lesson about responsibility, and that I was suffering from a whiplash. . . She quickly stopped her stupid talking. Oh yes, when the final pain and suffering check came in, she said that should help with our bills. UGH!

By the way, shortly thereafter, my BPDw got a traffic ticket for speeding, and she also hit a deer. Luckily, she wasn't injured at all. Guess who had to take care of the paperwork and waiting around for the car to be fixed while she was at work? You guessed it - me! I should have played the negative attitude card that she did on me, but I don't seek revenge. I just want peace in this family, but it certainly is very difficult to do with her rationalizations, such as this one. 

[SweetCharlotte]

The most ridiculous thing I have ever been acused of is having a negative attitude, thereby causing an accident which even the insurance companies determine to be the other person's fault. I was really having a great day. I was feeling good. I had a positive attitude. My BPDw was at work. I did some errands. I exited a freeway where there was a stoplight that was red, and other cars in front of me had stopped. Naturally, I stopped to wait for us to get the green light. Suddenly, in the back mirror, I see this car not stopping, and she hit me at about 30 MPH. I got a whiplash condition, and I got treatment for it. Now, I am fine. When it came to taking care of the expenses, my BPDw said that my attitude was negative, thereby causing an accident. 

Oh yes, when the final pain and suffering check came in, she said that should help with our bills. UGH!

You did the right thing, Sam. I was involved in a nearly exact scenario years ago, only it was on the Washington DC beltway and the person who plowed into me (not stopping for a traffic tie-up ahead) was obviously drunk. My car wasn't damaged, so instead of sticking around to get his info and file the report, I drove onward and convinced myself it was just a blip on an otherwise great day. I've had intermittent neck pain ever since.

[nodoover]

Too many too count, but today's was I ruined his breakfast because I talked to him while he was cooking which caused him to put milk instead of buttermilk in his fav pancake recipe, god forbid!

We weren't arguing just talking, but when i came upstairs to my computer I heard explosion of cussing, him throwing out buttermilk, leaving bowl of eggs, milk and mix on counter while he stormed off to office room saying I can't eat now!  Still in there sulking... .

[Samuel S.]

SweetCharlotte, thank you for your support and understanding of my situation. As for your situation, I don't know when you had your accident; however, I do suggest that you get a checkup. Whiplashes are no fun at all. You deserve to get treatment. After all, you did not have your neck pains prior to this, and, even if you had something similar, it is time for you to take care of yourself. So, please see your doctor. More than likely, you will be referred to a physical therapist who can help you.