How Do you handle people who don't get it

[Parents! Get help here!]

Family members, friends, etc.  Some of my family just thinks she's a bad kid.  They have no understanding, nor do they want to, about BPD.

It's driving me crazy!

[ConflictedxAMillion]

Family members, friends, etc.  Some of my family just thinks she's a bad kid.  They have no understanding, nor do they want to, about BPD.

It's driving me crazy!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

I will be watching this thread carefully because the same thing drives me crazy!  I love my DH to death, he is a great dad and is very supportive and loving with all of us, but sometimes even he thinks she is just trying to get attention, or is intentionally manipulating us, etc.!  I am really not sure though if anyone who doesn't live with it and experience it, will truly be able to get it, ever.  Some seem to comprehend more than others and are validating, but most... .not so much. 

[ConflictedxAMillion]

My mother didn't get it either for the past 20 years either.

She always made comments that made me feel like we were making it hard for my D... .and kind of favoring our younger nonBPDd.

Then BPDd moved into the apartment beneath my parents and of course mom was exposed to the true happenings.  I gave mom one of the leading books on BPD and she only read a little - she said she couldn't go on because it sounded just like my BPDd and it made her very sad.

My dad doesn't get it all either - he just wants her gone - and he's gotten his wish as she suddenly moved to Texas on Saturday.  (She broke into their apartment last week and stole mom's money while they weren't home).

My own husband didn't get it either... .we needed to be more strict and enforce heavier consequences... .until he agreed to participate in the McLean family-to-family support group.  Then it was like he could really relate to what all the other families were saying.  So now he does seem like he gets it.

I have a sister (who is a registered nurse) who will say, "maybe she does have a mental illness, but still she knows right from wrong".  She offers little to no support for me and it really bothers me.

Some people are like "she needs a hard lesson to learn" and that will somehow straighten her out.  Maybe that would help, but I'm guessing in our situation not.  I feel in addition to having BPD, she has many other ailments such as depression, severe anxiety, and I really feel that her  I.Q. is quite dimished and that even though she's 21, she probably has the brain maturity of a 13-14 year old.

Then I wonder if it's just me making excuses for her... .even though she has been diagnosed in the past as having GAD, PTSD, and depression.

[qcarolr]

I have trained myself to be more limiting about who I share my frustrations about my DD27 with. I realized that it was my need to vent that led me to share way too much information with family and friends. The best I can do for family is offer a link or book if they are interested in better understanding my D, then step back from conversations. When they ask about her, I can give the facts of where she is living and that she is doing the best she can for now. Then change the subject - ask them how they are doing. Getting others to talk about themselves is fastest way to deflect the conversation.

My own husband didn't get it either... .we needed to be more strict and enforce heavier consequences... .until he agreed to participate in the McLean family-to-family support group.  Then it was like he could really relate to what all the other families were saying.  So now he does seem like he gets it.

That is awesome that he did this group. My dh will read a one page summary, and he does seem to notice when I am doing something in a different way get a new response. He does not want to change how he does things -- very very resistant. I ask him "is that working for you? are you getting the reaction you want?"  He usually says no. If I stop and ponder though, there are some tiny little changes with him in past few months. Hmmmm.

I have a sister (who is a registered nurse) who will say, "maybe she does have a mental illness, but still she knows right from wrong".  She offers little to no support for me and it really bothers me.

I agree my DD27 knows right from wrong. And her inability to do what she knows is right compounds the guilt and shame that reinforces her emotional dysregulation and resistance to doing therapy.  Mental illness so often limits access to the thinking part of the neurological systems -- pwBPD especially are stuck in the emotional areas. Ask your sis what she has read of the current neuroscience related to mental illness. She can search for interpersonal neuroscience if she is interested.

Some people are like "she needs a hard lesson to learn" and that will somehow straighten her out.  Maybe that would help, but I'm guessing in our situation not.  I feel in addition to having BPD, she has many other ailments such as depression, severe anxiety, and I really feel that her  I.Q. is quite dimished and that even though she's 21, she probably has the brain maturity of a 13-14 year old.

I often have to remind myself that the issues that limit my DD27's functioning in her life have little to do with her IQ. It has to do with the connections between her emotional regulation functioning and the executive functioning. When dysregulated emotionally the science clearly shows limits on access to clear thinking. It is out of our kids control to make good choices when melting down. The best thing is for us to be very regulated, and stop blaming them for their lack of good decisions. When things are better, then we can attempt to teach and guide with validation.

Shari Manning's book "Lovig Someone with BPD" has really helped bring together in a very clear, pracatical way so much of what I have been trying to learn and practice. This is a great book to suggest to your sister and others.


Hang in there. Keep loving your D. Keep learning and practicing the tools. I have to refresh myself daily - reading again, practicing with dh, friends, family, co-workers. Then I have better success with DD.

qcr






[/quote]

[Bonus mom]

I understand as well - though my family members don't see our BPDd17 as "bad" but as an angel/waif - that's the face she shows them.  Just as frustrating as the "bad kid" label - she's a "misunderstood kid" in their eyes.

I no longer discuss her with any of them, not my feelings or concerns, nor anything about her.  They never ask me about her, so I don't bring it up.  The judging is too difficult for me to handle.  They are so quick to tell us what we are doing wrong, but none will read the materials I freely share so they can better understand.

And I just acknowledge that she may be giving them a version of her story that she wants them to have, and I accept that.  Radical Acceptance.  It works!

[crumblingdad]

The fact others don't get it is just a part of life for me at this point.

When we did our intervention with our DD16 a few weeks ago her grandfather flew out for it and he's been very close with her.  Despite fact he's known it's been a struggle for us he admitted that her mom had told her many stories and he always thought it might be exaggerated and really had NO IDEA how troubling things were till he saw it first hand as she was destroying anything in sight and assaulting her family members.

I also am somewhat open with most despite this.  In fact, it's not the issue others don't get it that I don't discuss it - more has to do with repeating and updating to multiple people on a daily basis the struggles we go through is an exhausting exercise that I just can't stand doing.  Hard to stray from that as they are showing concern and interest and don't want to say nothing.  So as a result of that I've kept to limited info in updates.

Outside of that I'm a firm believer that the only way the "stigma" and truth of BPD will be understood is through being open and honest.  Hiding BPD or any mental illness only adds to the stigma in my opinion.  As long as we, as parents, hide from the fear that so many associate it with the need for tough love or that it's caused by bad parenting the more that stigma continues.  I made mistakes, her mom made many too - but we didn't create a mental illness in our DD and I won't live behind the curtains out of fear of others judgment.  I have no doubt and have seen many pass judgment along the way and I'm ok with it and have accepted it as mere ignorance and understand their is no intent to be hurtful in those judgments.

I refuse to feel embarrassed of my daughter's illness and I refuse to paint her as a victim either.  I do want people to understand the basics of the illness and see that it can be treated.  It's been helpful as in the last year or so I've had at least 2 calls from friends with children going through some tough situations who have looked to me for advice and support when I'd have never known the degree they were dealing with their own struggles with their children.  Maybe a soap box that I'm on with it and I'm sure those who whisper and judge will continue to whisper - but if a few people get a greater understanding and a bit more sensitivity to the issue along the way then I'll live with the whispers.

[raytamtay3]

It is probably one of the hardest things I personally deal with.  It gets very frusterating when you try and explain to people who don't get it, that it's a mental illness and not a result of "bad parenting" or that the kid is a "bad kid".  I stopped talking to a lot of people about it. Or give limited answers to their questions. Or I say read up on it than you will have a better understanding of what we are dealing with and why we have to do things the way we do.  And why "traditional" parenting does not work for kids like ours.

What's even more difficult is having a spouse who doesn't get it either. As mentioned before, my DH (SD to DD14) constantly says how he wishes we had a child together so he could prove to me that we wouldn't have a child like DD. He still doesn't believe it's a mental illness we are dealing with. And that is such a hard thing for me. And he is right, chances are we would't because chances are, that child may not have a mental illness!

I'm waiting on our caseworker to set us up with a therapist who can speak with DH and I. I want someone who knows what BPD is and to maybe better explain what the deal is. And no DH wouldn't be inclined to read up on it.

[Reality]

The fact others don't get it is just a part of life for me at this point.

Outside of that I'm a firm believer that the only way the "stigma" and truth of BPD will be understood is through being open and honest.  Hiding BPD or any mental illness only adds to the stigma in my opinion.  As long as we, as parents, hide from the fear that so many associate it with the need for tough love or that it's caused by bad parenting the more that stigma continues.  I made mistakes, her mom made many too - but we didn't create a mental illness in our DD and I won't live behind the curtains out of fear of others judgment.  I have no doubt and have seen many pass judgment along the way and I'm ok with it and have accepted it as mere ignorance and understand their is no intent to be hurtful in those judgments.

I refuse to feel embarrassed of my daughter's illness and I refuse to paint her as a victim either.  I do want people to understand the basics of the illness and see that it can be treated.  It's been helpful as in the last year or so I've had at least 2 calls from friends with children going through some tough situations who have looked to me for advice and support when I'd have never known the degree they were dealing with their own struggles with their children.  Maybe a soap box that I'm on with it and I'm sure those who whisper and judge will continue to whisper - but if a few people get a greater understanding and a bit more sensitivity to the issue along the way then I'll live with the whispers.

crumblingdad:

Your perspective is so right.  I am greatly encouraged by your strong anti-stigma, anti-discrimination stance.  We lost our son with BPD here in Toronto, Canada due to ignorance, discrimination and lack of support.  No diagnosis for years. 

Thank you.

Reality

[six]

I can so relate to this post.  I had a close relationship with my parents until the point that my BPDs26 was a teenager.  when I would share with them what I was going thru, they always said  that they don't understand why we are having such problems with BPDS26.  He always behaves fine with them.  they have always been clear that they believe that the problem is me and my dh. 

I stopped sharing with them a long time ago. the fact that we seem to be parenting other children who are healthy does not mitigate my parents perspective that we are the problem.

I have also experienced family members who come to my house and take it upon themselves to lecture my son about his behavior, even tho I have requested that they mind their own business.  my policy is to stay underground where it is safe, and to speak only to my therapist and the few close friends I have who understand.

[griz]

 I refuse to feel embarrassed of my daughter's illness and I refuse to paint her as a victim either[/color

Sorry crumblingdad:  I still can't figure out the little box quote thing.

I love this line because it was so freeing for me.  I used to be embarrassed and once I stopped that it was quite freeing.  If someone questions me about DD I simply speak about it no different than I do when I tell people that my older daughter has a chronic physical condition.  Some people want to understand and are compassionate and then some just run for the hills and that's okay with me.  Any light that I can shed and any amount of people I can touch is just one more person that understands mental illnesses.


Griz

[psychik]

I just don't talk about it anymore.  When people in our Town ask about my daughter with that crappy "I know full well she is a train wreck" look on their face, I just say, "great" and get away.  Which makes me reclusive, so I don't have to deal with that face. 

She is so great at hiding behind lies, most of my family thinks she hung the moon and I'm making up anything less than perfect about her.

I just let time tell the story.  Given enough time she usually outs herself, ruins the relationship and then moves on to someone else to tell her she's wonderful.  Because she refuses to admit there is anything amiss with her behavior, and she refuses to talk about any counseling or diagnoses she might have had, it's all just a big mystery.  She loves to tell me I am the one with issues I need to work thru. 

I try to stay away from situations that result in me questioning my own sanity.  Which means a lot of "She's great."  Not exactly words to live by, but it gets me thru.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders