Siblings

[Parents! Get help here!]

I'm having a little difficulty trying to explain to my DS6 why I act the way I do with DD14. He has witnessed a lot. He has been there when she curses at me, gets in my face, doesn't come home all night, etc. I did say that his sister has an illness and because of this certain kind of illness, she can't help some of the things she does. But when he looks at me during an altercation, I cringe. I don't want him thinking that what she does is acceptable and that it is than ok for him to act that way.

Also, I've been getting reports from his school that he is being "inattentive" and is exhibiting poor behavior in the class. I'm terrified that he now is going to develop something. He has always been a really good boy, but lately his has been hyper and just not listening as well to me.

[raytamtay3]

I'm having a little difficulty trying to explain to my DS6 why I act the way I do with DD14. He has witnessed a lot. He has been there when she curses at me, gets in my face, doesn't come home all night, etc. I did say that his sister has an illness and because of this certain kind of illness, she can't help some of the things she does. But when he looks at me during an altercation, I cringe. I don't want him thinking that what she does is acceptable and that it is than ok for him to act that way.

Also, I've been getting reports from his school that he is being "inattentive" and is exhibiting poor behavior in the class. I'm terrified that he now is going to develop something. He has always been a really good boy, but lately his has been hyper and just not listening as well to me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

My family is a little different, and yet the same issues have come up. My DD27 is more like a sister to gd8 than a mom. It is so hard to try and manage protecting gd when her mom is in a meltdown - raging and threatening me most often.  Since DD is an adult, I do have some alternate choices - like not having DD live in our home.

Your sharing with him about his sis's mental illness is OK and maybe the wording could be a little different -- she has trouble making good choices when she is so angry and upset. I try to keep in mind the concrete developmental stage my gd is in, and see a big shift in her ability to verbalize her feelings and thoughts since she turned 8 this year. She is more involved in figuring out what is 'real' and what is 'imagination'.

There are some books written for children to understand mental illness in the family. I will search out some of these, maybe later today and come back to share them.

I try to keep my own cool (very hard) and take gd out of the house if possible while DD cools down. Or ask DD to leave to cool down, or go to her room.

I have been reading some new books by Heather Forbes (Beyond Consequences Institute) that has helped me gain a new perspective in coping with gd's emotional reactions. ":)aing to Love" and "Help for Billy in the classroom" are great choices. There are great ideas for helping with what you are describing. Both books have same underlying Regulation Based concepts (vs. behavior based concepts). The concrete, specific situation based discussions focus on home situtations in Daring to Love, and classroom challenges for teachers (and homework for parents) in Help for Billy.

I have also worked with a family based T for gd and I. She has helped both of us so much in coping with the impacts of DD's behaviors in our home.

qcr