New to this forum

[Mish66]

Hi I have posted under the new to forum board, but then found this board. Our 15 yr old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD (unofficially - we have been told they don't like to diagnose under 18). She has 5 year history of depression, 3 year history of anxiety, 3 attempts suicide, cutting, taking drugs, risk taking. She was raped at 13 which of course has escalated her depression and anxiety. She was seeing a counsellor for a year who was great but then the counsellor had to tell us she was using drugs (we had no idea - feel so stupid now for not knowing). So now she refuses to see another counsellor again, refuses to take medication and self medicates with weed. She has also developed psoriasis, which has made her depression so much worse. She abuses us every day and I feel so exhausted and depressed from it all. She has no friends (I guess she has treated them like she treats us). I really don't know what to do. She says smoking weed stops her from killing herself - I hate it. Its so unfair on our other kids too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Mish66  

I'm very glad you found your way to the Parenting Board, and I want to tell you that I'm very sorry for all the trauma you, your daughter and family are dealing with regarding her BPD. You are among friends, here... .we all know what you are feeling, and how difficult it is to watch our child seem to self-destruct.

But, there is hope, and it starts when you click on the links to the right-hand margin and read about the Tools, The Lessons, and how to communicate better with your daughter. When you read the threads by the parents here you will get a better idea of how it all works, and we will be here to answer your questions and give you support.

Your daughter's history sounds really sad... .Depression, Anxiety, Self-harming and Suicidal Ideations, Drug Abuse, and having been raped at 13; I feel very bad for her, and truly hope she will be able to get the help she needs to begin the recovery process that can help her be well. Many of us have found that when we learned the communication tools of Validation, S.E.T. and DEARMAN, we were able to de-escalate our child's rages and defiant behaviors and help them realize that they needed help, and then they got it. It can be done... .I only wish you and your family the best  

[BioAdoptMom3]

Our DD14 is similar to yours in many ways - suicide ideation and attempts, cutting, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, unstable relationships and eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia).  I second looking at the tools.  I don't know about the other two mentioned yet, but I have just begun reading about and trying to practice validation and I have to say, even in the short period of time we have been trying to consciously validate, it has already begun to help.  Its almost like she is already starting to understand we are on her side.  Our DD does take her medications and that does help, but its possible with a little validation yours may begin to be more cooperative.  You and you family are in my prayers!

[crazedncrazymom]

   Hi Mish:  Your dd has a history similar to my dd16 (aside from the drug abuse.  She got high once and spent the night on the bathroom floor).  I am so sorry your family is going through this, but very happy you found your way here.  We have lots of skills that we learn in order to keep a situation from getting out of control.

The links to the right are extremely helpful for getting started with a new life view.  I have found them immensely helpful.  I've been practicing these skills for about a year now. At this point even at my angriest I am able to keep things from escalating completely out of control.

How old are your other kids?  How are they handling her rages and outbursts?  Are you married? 

I hope you are taking care of yourself.  You can't help anyone if you don't help yourself first.  Do you have any coping skills for you?

Keep learning and keep posting.  It can save your sanity.  I know this place saved me.

-crazed