My possible cancer and my BPDw

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Here's the situation. For the past couple of months, I have had light purple skin on my lower lip. I was finally able to get a dermatologist appointment for today. After he looked at it, he took a biopsy and now is at a lab for testing to see if it is cancerous. He said it might be just skin cancer, but I have to wait a week for the results. Having had a scare of a tumor on the left side of my neck some 14 years ago and finding out that it was a benign tumor was a relief, but that episode only has surged again, thus making me afraid this time and rather depressed. I told my BPDw about my appointment, and she wanted to know if I experienced any pain. I told her no, but for me to share with her that I am scared is like sharing a major weakness to her. She has a "great" way of rationalizing any illness, blaming the people for causing their own illness and not having any empathy. So, I have told my closest relatives and friends, but it is a worthless cause to share with my BPDw. Well, thank you for letting me vent. You see, like any BPD, my BPDw is only interested in having attention on herself, instead. Thus, this health episode only makes me feel that much more alone. Luckily, I have different things to keep me occupied and gives me joy, but they are only really distractions until I find out what's going on. Also, BTW, my first wife passed away from cancer, and the thought of going through what she went through, well, I wouldn't want to at all!

[Samuel S.]

Here's the situation. For the past couple of months, I have had light purple skin on my lower lip. I was finally able to get a dermatologist appointment for today. After he looked at it, he took a biopsy and now is at a lab for testing to see if it is cancerous. He said it might be just skin cancer, but I have to wait a week for the results. Having had a scare of a tumor on the left side of my neck some 14 years ago and finding out that it was a benign tumor was a relief, but that episode only has surged again, thus making me afraid this time and rather depressed. I told my BPDw about my appointment, and she wanted to know if I experienced any pain. I told her no, but for me to share with her that I am scared is like sharing a major weakness to her. She has a "great" way of rationalizing any illness, blaming the people for causing their own illness and not having any empathy. So, I have told my closest relatives and friends, but it is a worthless cause to share with my BPDw. Well, thank you for letting me vent. You see, like any BPD, my BPDw is only interested in having attention on herself, instead. Thus, this health episode only makes me feel that much more alone. Luckily, I have different things to keep me occupied and gives me joy, but they are only really distractions until I find out what's going on. Also, BTW, my first wife passed away from cancer, and the thought of going through what she went through, well, I wouldn't want to at all!

[connect]

Hey Samuel 

Sending you good vibes and thoughts. When I was younger I also had a similar experience - I know the wait is difficult. I really hope that you get some support from her - big big hugs coming your way   

[Dr.Me2]

like any BPD, my BPDw is only interested in having attention on herself, instead. Thus, this health episode only makes me feel that much more alone.

Samuel S.

This is a key point, a pwBPD cares only to play the victim in order to attract all the attention. The moment they feel someone is stealing this attention, all of a sudden their hypersensitivity of feeling what others do to them shifts 180 degrees and they block themselves from any feelings toward others if that is going to detract from the attention they think they would received.

[Samuel S.]

I don't think my BPDw knows what she wants. I was having bleeding problems due to my biopsy of my lower lip the last couple of days. She wanted me to use an anti-infection ointment which I did, but it really didn't help much. In fact, there's blood on my bed sheet now. So, this morning, after respecting her need to help me, I ate breakfast, got ready, and told her I was going to my primary doctor. All she said was okay, but resumed her studying. Later while I was waiting for my primary doctor, I got a text wanting to know if there's any improvement in my health. Then, I found out that I indeed have an infection on my lower lip and even gland problems in my neck because of it. So, I got the antibiotics, came back here, but only to be told by her that this is what happens when a doctor cuts you open. Uh, hello? I would rather be cut up and even have these additional problems than not doing anything at all and worsen. She is so much into acupuncture that for her it is a panacea; however, she was that way about non-traditional methods for health. Under those circumstances, she told me that I was not trying hard enough, because she thought she was doing better than I. Thus, she kept on pressuring me. It got to me many a time, until I finally gave up trying to convince her that I was doing my best. UGH!

I am sorry for rambling here, but I am still concerned about the results of the biopsy which I should have by the end of this coming week. I just wonder what she is going to say then. Frankly, I don't care. She owns her own body, and I own mine. Now that I have this physical battle and concern, it would be great to have emotional support from her, but I guess you and I would be living in a fantasy world, right?

[connect]

Hi Samuel,

It sounds like yu are doing all you can for yourself and are managing a difficult situation well.

I wish it wasnt so common on these boards reading about people not getting the support they need. Would your wife ever come to any of your appointments with you? Do you think that would help her to see what you are dealing with? Sometimes pwBPD seem to respond better to information coming from a third party rather than their SO. 

[Samuel S.]

Hi, connect. As far as my BPDw going with me to any doctor appointment, although she is a pharmacist, she does not believe in medicine. Thus, although I believe western medicine and eastern medicine both are important, she objects almost all the time to what any doctor says, although she will get her mamograms, etc. Go figure! The only thing she seems to be interested in right now is the infection in my mouth is still there due to the biopsy. Also, just last night, she asked me for the first time how many books I have published. Oh, yes, she has not read any of my published books. So, while she is semi-interested in my health, I am focused and validating of what she does and feels, but it is not mutual unfortunately. I guess all of us nonBPDs can attest to that.

[connect]

I am focused and validating of what she does and feels, but it is not mutual unfortunately. I guess all of us nonBPDs can attest to that.

Sadly yes - lots of us can. Really hoping that she does step up soon for you