Hypersensitivity - it is all your fault?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We have read and learn a lot about the negative projection that takes place when a pwBPD cast off the deep seated shame and emotional dysregulation that drives their reaction and behaviour.

After being NC with my uBPDw, she firmly believes that all her anger and disproportionate behaviour is due to being hurt by me. I can honestly tell you there has been never any abuse from my end. Perhaps the odd escalating argument when I did not know much about this disorder but certainly the driver behind the unjustified and disproportionate rage has been the source of my entire frustration.

The hypersensitivity to negative cues is what makes her feel invalidate her even if this cues are so unintentional and are processed by my uBPDw several days after they take place.

The popular 'it is all your fault' phrase to shield the real issue is a defense mechanism that is common with a pwBPD. She blames me for everything including her feelings.

A child trapped in an adult body that is incapable of owning her own feelings and being accountable for her disproportionate behaviour and the consequences that come with it.

In order to exist a pwBPD needs a target of blame, otherwise they will become a predator until they find one.

As a non-BPD every time I am waiting for the next explosion, any trigger will do. An explosion due to her own hypersensitivity and the inability to own their feelings and be accountable for their own disproportionate behaviour.

What does it take to stop their and our pain and suffering?

[Dr.Me2]

We have read and learn a lot about the negative projection that takes place when a pwBPD cast off the deep seated shame and emotional dysregulation that drives their reaction and behaviour.

After being NC with my uBPDw, she firmly believes that all her anger and disproportionate behaviour is due to being hurt by me. I can honestly tell you there has been never any abuse from my end. Perhaps the odd escalating argument when I did not know much about this disorder but certainly the driver behind the unjustified and disproportionate rage has been the source of my entire frustration.

The hypersensitivity to negative cues is what makes her feel invalidate her even if this cues are so unintentional and are processed by my uBPDw several days after they take place.

The popular 'it is all your fault' phrase to shield the real issue is a defense mechanism that is common with a pwBPD. She blames me for everything including her feelings.

A child trapped in an adult body that is incapable of owning her own feelings and being accountable for her disproportionate behaviour and the consequences that come with it.

In order to exist a pwBPD needs a target of blame, otherwise they will become a predator until they find one.

As a non-BPD every time I am waiting for the next explosion, any trigger will do. An explosion due to her own hypersensitivity and the inability to own their feelings and be accountable for their own disproportionate behaviour.

What does it take to stop their and our pain and suffering?

[ThisWayUp]

I think in many cases (such as mine, and presumably yours too) nothing can stop the pain. I'd like to say that leaving them, to deal with their own emotions would stop this, but in my experience, after leaving for almost 6 months last year, my abandoning of her and the kids, became the source of all her problems. So even when I wasn't in the RS, I was still to blame.

I'm still faintly hopeful that using the tools on this site can help. Deep down though, I feel her behaviour is too well established to change. You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

[Maro12]

I so much know this feeling. For my BPDgf all her bad feeling are always because of me! After her "anger attacks" which can be triggered by simple misunderstanding she can for few hours release her anger on me by telling what I done to her in really hatefull and disrespectfull way! Next day she behives like nothing happened, and is suprized why I am upset... .and I am distroyed after listening of all terrible things she can say. When I dont want to talk, I am to blame, when I defend myself I hear it is all my fault... .In every case I am the bad one.

And reasons can be really silly! Once she came for me after my training on the gym, She done big big drama with crying, with blaming with all bad words just because I kissed her in the chick for hello not in the lips! I was accused I want to hide her cause on the gym so nice girls! "how I could do it to her"! All evening was distroyed, I did not know how to react!

How we non BPD can protect ourselves, defend ourselves in this situations? Me myself I am loosing my patience I am going crazy, loosing sense of reality thinking what is maybe wrong with me... .This is hell... .

How to deal with those "anger attacks" when they are triggered? When I just walk away, I hear I left her giving another reason to blame me even more! I always hear: "I feel so sh... t, why you done it to me?"... .

[maxen]

thanks for posting that, Dr Me, it describes my experience almost to the letter.

The hypersensitivity to negative cues is what makes her feel invalidate her even if this cues are so unintentional and are processed by my uBPDw several days after they take place.

in my case, it was in some cases they were processed weeks or months after they took place.

[Dr.Me2]

It is just amazing his our experience with pwBPD are so similar. Anger attacks that are triggered by the simplest things, walking away causing another excuse to escalate and engage, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't, etc.

Protecting yourself and your mental health is the top priority since I truly believe that their emotional dysregulation can inflict the same pain as the one they are suffering by making you feel guilty of everything and anything.

In my case she lashes out with range and anger for little incidents and took place long long time ago even after we settled them.

It is he abandon child that is crying inside them desperately pushing you away with DV and pulling you in with guilt, making you losing patience, going crazy and loosing sense of reality.

Emotional dysregulation in a pwBPD can either ground you or make you feel something is wrong with you. Either way this can trigger a journey of positive cycles of introspection while the pwBPD is ruminating in negative cycles like a broken record as it can't let go.

At the end of it all, they are afraid of owning their own feelings and taking responsability for the disproportionate behavior.

I wish I knew all these several years ago.

[an0ught]

thanks for posting that, Dr Me, it describes my experience almost to the letter.

The hypersensitivity to negative cues is what makes her feel invalidate her even if this cues are so unintentional and are processed by my uBPDw several days after they take place.

in my case, it was in some cases they were processed weeks or months after they took place.

While one certainly can see some causality and draw conclusions it is important to keep the basics of BPD in the back of our mind. Otherwise us worrying about their hypersensitivity is causing us to walk on eggshells. As most of us are no featherweights these are crushed eggshells.

Yes pwBPD are highly sensitive. But then

 - pwBPD live in the moment and emotions can turn on a dime (splitting).

 - pwBPD are driven by emotions, often their facts follow their feelings and not the other way round (as we believe it is the case with rational people, which is only partly right  ).

We need to keep these basics in mind. Yes, we will get confronted with words we said a few days ago and actions we took a few years back. However they are not causes but they are symptoms of the momentary emotions. Emotions caused by something totally different. Feeling bad - let's look into the bad database for some record to be pulled that is pitch black. And who has not done anything ever that hurt their partner? We can do nothing which would avoid us being confronted with the angry words out of our mouth three days back. Our past words are just a prop and if we had not spoken them another pitch black prop would be summoned. There is always at least one record in that database.

We can however choose not delude ourselves that the words three days back caused the upset today. We can choose not to be fooled by our partners animated explanations that our words three days back caused todays explosion. We can choose to be cool enough to take a step back and realize that maybe it is the fear of leaving the home soon, being tired or simply hunger that is at the root of the momentary commotions.

We can choose not to react and not to JADE. We can choose our behavior from a healthy set of options.

[maxsterling]

This is for sure a tough situation to handle.  For 10 months now I have listened to her tell me her triggers.  If I wrote them all down, they would fill chapters and often contradict one another.  I've paid close attention to her behavior and reactions, and I have noticed it is somehow okay in her mind for her to do things to others that is not okay for others to do to her.  That's confusing.  It all comes down to complete confusion and a sober realization that there's not much I can do to avoid the triggers. 

For awhile, I thought I was in part to blame for triggering her.  In her mind, that is certainly the case.  But now I see it as more of a damned if you do, damned if you don't.  He last serious rage came because I took too long in responding to a negative comment from her.  Why did it take me too long to respond?  Because it takes that long to think through her list of triggers and ways to respond without invalidating.  15 seconds of silence, and that itself was invalidating, and she raged.  There's really nothing I can do about that. 

I, too, fear the next rage because when they happen - I still hurt, even though I know it's all projection and there is nothing I can do.  And leaving the argument just makes her feel more abandoned and invalidated, even if I explicitly tell her that I will come back.  She hears it differently, and will come at me with more rage, and at least one time violent rage.

I certainly don't blame anyone for giving up on a relationship with a pwBPD.  It takes an enormous amount of patience, and I think all of us have had occasional thoughts that we deserve better.

[Dr.Me2]

Maxsterling:

"... .somehow is okay in her mind for her to do things to others that is not okay for others to do"

This is precisely what I am going through. Demanding full attention for her feelings caused by simple things and imposing them as the absolute reality while disregarding any of my feelings when she violently attacks and rages, sets me for failure and negatively projects anything and everything unto me as my fault.

I wonder what would a r/s would look if both are pwBPD?

[Dr.Me2]

I found this from the book "Beyond Boundaries" by Bon Dobbs which I highly recommend reading:

"With BPD, the attachment system is hyper-sensitive and can be triggered too often and with little provocation. This can lead to the symptoms of BPD like fear of abandonment, a pattern of attaching and then leaving and a tendency to fall 'in love' quickly.

Internally this unstable self can contribute to shame and self-hatred ... .

When a person is unable to find themselves internally, they may seek to define themselves through others, moving from one attachment figure to another, searching for a 'home' in which they can find their true self."

Exactly what I have been and going through.

[MammaMia]

DrMe2

That is a very good question. I wonder if the staff has an answer for how two people with dBPD would get along in a relationship? 

Would they be more understanding of the disorder in their partner or are they so self-absorbed that they could not deal with another needy person?

Interesting.  Does anyone have an answer?

[an0ught]

This is for sure a tough situation to handle.  For 10 months now I have listened to her tell me her triggers.  If I wrote them all down, they would fill chapters and often contradict one another.  I've paid close attention to her behavior and reactions, and I have noticed it is somehow okay in her mind for her to do things to others that is not okay for others to do to her.  That's confusing.  It all comes down to complete confusion and a sober realization that there's not much I can do to avoid the triggers.  

By far the most common trigger is invalidation. That makes creating a static list of triggers almost impossible. It is not something that triggers a pwBPD but it is something that is out of sync with their momentary emotions.

[Dr.Me2]

MamaMia,

I really like to know what people think about a r/s between 2 pwBPD's. I am thinking may be to start a new thread on this topic.

Would they both pwBPD validate each other or invalidate each other?

[Maro12]

DrMe, exactly the same what I am going through... .And that is so frustrating... .It ALL sounds so familiar You could get impression we talking about the same person... . 

I try to be aware of anything now which could trigger her anger, but this way I am constantly stressed... .and when she will find another reason to make me the worse man in the planet, even if it is her imagination, she creates all this twisted ways to make me feel guilty of all! And she does it so manipulative, she twists words, situations around, so at the end I feel as a terrible person which I know I am not... .This makes me brainwashed. 

And all my energy, all my focus has to be on her like carrying glass overfilled with water and paying all your attention nothing will drop to the floor... .When she feels I start to do something mine, like going to gym, plan my own time, she gets nervous... .But on the other way, she just do what she wants. Like when she does something, which would cause furious behaviour in her, does not apply for herself, only for me.

Plus she takes things which are not true and using them to blame me. She creates herown reality, where I do to her all those bad things, I am leaving her... .But for long long time I did not go for a beer with guys cause she becoming fourious just hearing of it, but when se goes for a drink with friend it is all so normal... . 

What they ofen use is emotional blackmail, and create around us "FOG" (fear-obligation-guilt) so we can not clearly, we are loosing sense of reality. I took it from book of S.Forward - "Emotional Blackmail" - it is worth to read if someone deals with BPD partner.

And I agree with you, they are dragging us to this world of fear, of manipuation, guilt, that at the end they destroy us... .I seriously start to think I am not able to carry this weight on my shoulders anymore, I have my plans, my hobbies, my career, and all of that went aside cause of this relationship.

Regards,

Maro12

[Dr.Me2]

Maro12,

Even if it is her imagination, she creates all this twisted ways to make me feel guilty of all! And she does it so manipulative, she twists words, situations around, so at the end I feel as a terrible person which I know I am not... .This makes me brainwashed. 

I think we are really talking about the same person. I share everything you wrote and frustrated as I am with my uBPDw, I think their greatest fear is to lose the control they already lost on themselves and yet they don't realize it.

The FOG is just a distraction to deter the target of blame (us) focusing on the real issue (their disorder), it is a defense mechanism to avoid being seen as the ones that originates the FOG.

Fear, obligation and guilt are just a way to try to justify what they can't justify from their own disproportionate behavior deeply seated in shame.

Do not dispair, they don't know what they are doing and they can't stop their impulsive behavior, you do! As long as you keep sane, grounded and centered and you don't fall in their FOG trap which is making you feel you are responsible for everything and anything while they take no responsibility for their impulsive rage and angry outburst attacks.

FOG is an impulsive reaction to feelings and emotions with no capacity of any thought processing to cope with the incredible pain they are undergoing. Pain that you and I will never come to truly comprehend.

The main differen between humans and animals is that animals can not be hold accountable for not questioning or reflecting on their reaction impulsive reaction to their feelings and emotions.

[letmeout]

It never ceases to amaze me how all of these disordered people act like the same exact person. Out of all the dysfunctional behaviors my ex exhibited, the one that always blew me away was how he could go from acting really bad, to having total amnesia about his negative behavior.  My ex blocked out many years of his life with this so-called amnesia.

He doesn't remember our children growing up, or anything truthful about our marriage. His reality was so distorted and his condition only got worse as he aged. He eventually became too dangerous to live with.

Why did I stay so long? I was brainwashed into thinking that he was my responsibility; that I was his emotional caretaker. When he was good, he was good, when he was bad, he was very bad. Nonetheless, I feel truly blessed that I no longer live with someone crazy.

[Maro12]

DrMe, I know it sound silly that it might be the same person... .I live in Switzerland, still possible? 

[Dr.Me2]

Maro12,

Yes they are the same person as long as we/them stay away from the healing path and into the destructive path.

We need more awareness that this is an worldwide mental disorder regardless time and place

Keep on posting.

[MammaMia]

Dr.me2

A separate thread on the relationship between two pwBPD would be awesome.  Can you please start one, if you have not already?

I have wondered about this for some time and would love to see what other members and the staff have to say.

Thank you for bringing it up.

[Dr.Me2]

Here is it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=213761.0