What's behind the behavior

[Verbena]

So many times in the past, I struggled with understanding what motivated DD28's behavior.  Now it's so clear. 

My S23, who is teaching English in China for two years, has met someone over there that he really cares about.  My son is well aware that his sister (28)  is not really interested in his life, but I asked him to e-mail her and tell her his news.  I anticipated that if I told DD myself, she would then claim that her brother didn't think enough of her to share with her what's going on with him.  On Sunday, DD texted me that she received an e-mail from her brother.  I responded by asking her what he had to say, and she completely ignored me. 

The next day, Monday, DD texted her daddy that she was sick with an elaborate explanation of her doctor visit that morning. In all the years DD lived with us (she moved out at 26), she pretended to be sick  almost weekly and hardly ever went to school or work on Mondays.  She often lied to classmates and co-workers/bosses that she had been to the doctor when she hadn't.  We both doubted she was really ill (especially since we saw FB posts that a sick person wouldn't make), but we both texted her that we hoped she was feeling better soon. DD thanked my husband for his response.   Mine she ignored. 

On Wednesday, DD texted her daddy that she wanted to meet him for coffee.  He said they had a normal conversation (meaning she talked only about herself) and that she never once mentioned her brother or his e-mailing her so he didn't bring it up.

Today DD texted me that she wants to have a mother-daughter day on Sunday. I said that sounded good and we have plans to see each other.

The point to all this is that I no longer wonder what is behind my DD's behavior/reactions.  I now "get" what motivates her.  She is threatened by any attention her brother might get because she is so insecure and must be the center of everyone's world. She fakes sick to put the focus back on her and purposely ignores me while communicating freely with her father.  Then, she is over it and pulls me back in with a invitation to get together without acknowledging she rudely ignored me.  While I may understand her better now, it still frustrates me.  I just don't take it as personally because I know why she does it. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

It's great that you recognize her behaviors and have learned to not take it personally.  It must be somewhat a relief to just say You do what you gotta do and I'm going to use this time to focus on myself!  I'm really happy for you that you've learned that it's really not about you.  That I think is one of the hardest lessons to learn.

-crazed

[jdtm]

she is so insecure and must be the center of everyone's world.

Totally agree - felt for some time that the core of BPD is "self-centeredness" with no empathy and only some sympathy.  As a friend said to me "it simply is the nature of the beast".  It is what it is.  But it is easier for the rest of us when we realize as crazedncrazy mom said that it is a hard lesson to learn.  It's not about us.

[griz]

jdm:  Is the core self-centeredness or fear, I wonder.  When I think of self-centered people I think more of people that are only concerned with themselves because they need the applause.  Do BPD's seem self-centered because it appears the same but the root of the need for attention is different.  The self-centered only want the applause... .the BPD are afraid of losing people. 

Just a thought

Griz

[six]

I have experienced something like this with my kids.  I feel that any accomplishment by one of my other children is extremely threatening to my BPDs26.  He is so scared and anxious that he will not "make it" in the adult world, that when one of his sibs gets into college or gets a job he goes into a tailspin (even though he went to college and has a job).  He judges himself against them and always finds himself to be "less than" them.  It is really sad. 

A key change in my relationship with BPDS26 happened when i stopped trying to build a relationship between him and his sisters.  For years, i was the mediator between him and them.  Now, I just listen and validate his feeling of anger toward them.  I dont try to explain to him why what his sister did was OK.  (also there is always a kernel of truth in his perspective and i am trying to listen for it).   

I am wondering Verbena, whether it was necessary for your son to email his sister about his  new relationship.  it must be so hard for her to hear aabout how well he is doing, knowing that she might not have these kinds of successes.    It sounds like she does not want to hear about his accomplishments.    I am curious about what she would say if someone asked her whether she would prefer not to be in the loop about what he is doing

[griz]

Here is just another thought I had.  Is it possible for your son to include her in his life rather than tell her about it.  My older daughter is studying to be a yoga teacher.  She is doing really well and loves to come home and show us what she is doing.  I noticed that when she would do this DD would often disappear.  My older daughter noticed this also and felt bad that DD wasn't interested so I gave her a suggestion.  I asked her to try when she comes home to ask DD to help her work on some of her poses. Ask her her opinnion.  See how that goes.  It went really well.  I think DD felt included in her life not a spectator in her life.  She did this a number of times and then asked DD is she could practice teaching on her.  She was gentle in her approach and complimented her on well she was doing.  DD now goes to yoga with her 1-2 times a week.  It is something THEY do.  Maybe your son could ask your daughters opinnion in some way.  Allow her to share in the relationship not just watch it.

Griz

[Verbena]

I am wondering Verbena, whether it was necessary for your son to email his sister about his  new relationship.  it must be so hard for her to hear aabout how well he is doing, knowing that she might not have these kinds of successes.

DD had a fabulous wedding last year, has a beautiful home, many friends, and a good job where she is successful. So it's not like her life has gone nowhere.  It's just hard for her to allow anyone else any attention.  I did suggest that my son e-mail her, but only because I know how upset she gets if she feels she has not been included or "in the loop."  He has e-mailed her several times since he arrived in China in early August but has not once heard back from her.  She claims she responded with several long e-mails that she "spent a lot of effort writing", but my son says he's never heard back from her.  It's possible that DD's replies didn't go through, but since he always gets our e-mails it's more more likely that she never responded. 

Here is just another thought I had.  Is it possible for your son to include her in his life rather than tell her about it.



This is a good idea.  I'm just not sure how he can do that with him on the other side of the world other than ask her opinion of something as you suggested.  I'll mention that to him next time we Skype. 


A key change in my relationship with BPDS26 happened when i stopped trying to build a relationship between him and his sisters.

This is something I can honestly say I've never tried to do.  My children have never been close and I've just accepted it.

griz and jdtm-- I think it's self-centeredness and fear both.  It just presents itself as selfishness only. 

crazedncrazymom--It is a relief to finally know it's not about me. 

[six]

Wow, Verbena, I am sorry I responded without really having a full understanding of the dynamics between your two kids.  It seems as if your daughter's stance  is different than my son's. 

He also hates not being in the loop and feels like we all keep secrets from him.  in the past, this has been true because any info he would get, he would use to torment someone.  so we kind of have an unwritten policy to tell him only what he needs to know and nothing more.  this, understandably, enrages him.   

Good for you for your realization that none of this is really about you.  I need to integrate that idea also.

[Verbena]

Wow, Verbena, I am sorry I responded without really having a full understanding of the dynamics between your two kids.  It seems as if your daughter's stance  is different than my son's. 

He also hates not being in the loop and feels like we all keep secrets from him.  in the past, this has been true because any info he would get, he would use to torment someone.  so we kind of have an unwritten policy to tell him only what he needs to know and nothing more.  this, understandably, enrages him.   

Good for you for your realization that none of this is really about you.  I need to integrate that idea also.

Hey, there's nothing to be sorry about!  DD has always been the center of attention--often negative attention because of her behavior--and her brother has just melted into the background.  He has never given us any trouble, and I think this is a source of contention for DD.  She has told me many times, "He's not perfect like you think he is!"  I've never said or thought he was (because he isn't), but that's her insecurity coming out again. 

When he took this job in China, DD said it wasn't "realistic" and that he probably would not be here for her  when she has her first child.  Again, she makes it about her.  (I am secretly hoping children for her is a very long way off because the idea of her handling the stress of that scares me to death.  But that's another story.)

It's not like my son has announced his engagement or anything.  He met the girl he is seeing in August and just recently told us about her.  He's never been in a serious relationship, and I know next to nothing about anyone he dated in college.  I can tell, though, that this is a big deal to him.  He's in a Communist country and dating a Chinese girl who shares his Christian faith.  It's a little scary for me and I'd love to talk to DD about that, but I can't because it would open up the door for her to start drama. 

I'm thinking when I see DD on Sunday that I won't even mention her brother unless she does.