Do you feel like you have mourned your still living child?

[Parents! Get help here!]

I look back at pics of my Daughter, unofficially diagnosed with BPD, when she was a little kid and I really feel like she died.  She was an average kid, until her junior year in high school when things started going wonky.  Started dating a bad kid, turns out he was dealing drugs.  She was really active in school activities and we were right there with her for all of it.  By her Senior year, the gig was up with the bf and we had to tell her no more.  Of course, she continued to see him.  Lies, lies, lies... .Went to College, paid for by ignorant Mom and Dad and grants.   Moved into dorm - right next to dorm that bf was living in... ." I have no idea where he is going to college" was her story then.  Both ended up getting kicked out of school for non performance.  She later told me with a smirk on her face, she never even went to class and dropped out early enough to get a refund.

 

I don't even know the person who took her place.  Our relationship has been so badly damaged by lies, compounded over and over, stealing, etc.  any communication we have either is shallow to pointless or ends up hurtful.  I took down all of her pics as an adult.  I don't know her, and feel like they were pics of a stranger psychopath up on my walls. My T once told me she gets off on hurting me.  Words every mother dreams of hearing.

I know the natural cycle of mother/daughter is that they grow up/mature into adults and that part of their lives with you comes to a natural closure, but for most people that loss is replaced with a friendship type of relationship.  I feel like all I have left is loss. 

I know I am not all alone in my feelings.  I have read books that say it's common to feel like you have experienced a death... .it really sucks. And of course, if I try to mention it to anyone, they just roll their eyes like I'm such a drama queen. 

I have been avidly reading everyone's posts here for the past couple of days, and I feel so disconnected.  You all are so involved in your family members lives even though it's still hell.  I have detached from it.  Maybe I have just come to a point where I've given up the fight.  Aside from the hurt feelings still lingering I feel pretty indifferent about my daughter.  Is that good?  Is that bad?  Does it even matter?  Not sure about any of it.  What can you do when they are an adult? 

[psychik]

I look back at pics of my Daughter, unofficially diagnosed with BPD, when she was a little kid and I really feel like she died.  She was an average kid, until her junior year in high school when things started going wonky.  Started dating a bad kid, turns out he was dealing drugs.  She was really active in school activities and we were right there with her for all of it.  By her Senior year, the gig was up with the bf and we had to tell her no more.  Of course, she continued to see him.  Lies, lies, lies... .Went to College, paid for by ignorant Mom and Dad and grants.   Moved into dorm - right next to dorm that bf was living in... ." I have no idea where he is going to college" was her story then.  Both ended up getting kicked out of school for non performance.  She later told me with a smirk on her face, she never even went to class and dropped out early enough to get a refund.

 

I don't even know the person who took her place.  Our relationship has been so badly damaged by lies, compounded over and over, stealing, etc.  any communication we have either is shallow to pointless or ends up hurtful.  I took down all of her pics as an adult.  I don't know her, and feel like they were pics of a stranger psychopath up on my walls. My T once told me she gets off on hurting me.  Words every mother dreams of hearing.

I know the natural cycle of mother/daughter is that they grow up/mature into adults and that part of their lives with you comes to a natural closure, but for most people that loss is replaced with a friendship type of relationship.  I feel like all I have left is loss. 

I know I am not all alone in my feelings.  I have read books that say it's common to feel like you have experienced a death... .it really sucks. And of course, if I try to mention it to anyone, they just roll their eyes like I'm such a drama queen. 

I have been avidly reading everyone's posts here for the past couple of days, and I feel so disconnected.  You all are so involved in your family members lives even though it's still hell.  I have detached from it.  Maybe I have just come to a point where I've given up the fight.  Aside from the hurt feelings still lingering I feel pretty indifferent about my daughter.  Is that good?  Is that bad?  Does it even matter?  Not sure about any of it.  What can you do when they are an adult? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bonus mom]

Hi psychic,

First, a hug!

I have been avidly reading everyone's posts here for the past couple of days, and I feel so disconnected.  You all are so involved in your family members lives even though it's still hell.  I have detached from it.  Maybe I have just come to a point where I've given up the fight.  Aside from the hurt feelings still lingering I feel pretty indifferent about my daughter.  Is that good?  Is that bad?  Does it even matter?  Not sure about any of it.  What can you do when they are an adult?

Next, not all of us are involved so deeply.  And please do not judge yourself based on anyone else's choices - that is not fair to you at all!  Despite the disorder connecting us, there are layers and layers of other issues that don't apply equally to all.

I have detached as well, though with a consciousness about my detachment.  By that I mean, I am not pretending it never happened, but am fully aware of what is happening and consciously accepting it for what it is (see radical acceptance) and just moving on.  It is NOT easy to do at first, but then suddenly is remarkably easy once in practice.  That's how I cope.

I too mourn what was and what will never be.  I mourn the daughter that is lost to me.  I mourn the future I envisioned.  I mourn the life I see her throwing away.  It's a waste, in my view.  But then I must acknowledge that all I mourn is tied to ME, not her.  It's MY mourning, not hers.  So I own that, and accept it.

You are not a "bad" parent if you choose the path of disconnecting.  If you are choosing to build yourself a new life based on the reality of your situation, that's a pretty healthy choice, in my humble opinion. 

Here's one more hug, in case you need it!

Bonus mom

[StarDust]

Hugs to you.

I haven't been on here in ages, partly because I feel a twinge of guilt when I read about how involved so many parents are, God bless them. I decided to take a look here today because my daughter took a bottle of pills last night and is in the hospital (again). She is now 23 and not really better than when I first logged in here when she was 15. I just don't have it in me anymore.

She has used and abused people who love her.  We have nothing left to give her. It hurts to acknowledge it, but it's the truth. Her sisters are involved in there own lives and starting their own families and don't have it in them to deal with the drama.

I do what I can - from a distance. I occasionally have to fight the urge to try to swoop in and rescue her again. Been there, done that, and got nothing but tears and heartbreak for my effort.

I believe that it goes against our instinct as parents to keep that kind of distance between us and our children. It hurts to have to do it, but I can see no other way.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

[Kate4queen]

It's weird, with my son we had to deal with him being born with cerebral palsy and mourn that child and then as he grew older we've had to come to terms with his mental issues as well, so I feel like after giving everything I had to accept him, love him and advocate for him and having that all shoved  back in my face that I can now mourn this second incarnation as well.

I won't stop loving him, but I can stand back a little and for me, that's a healthy thing.

Everyone has to find their own path in this.

[psychik]

I don't know how to quote with the blue highlights... .In response to everyone who replied.  Thank you for the hugs.  This site has been therapeutic in at least not feeling so alone. Thank you for telling me I'm not alone.  I hope for everyone that finds themselves at this message board a blessed moment one day when life is calmer, easier and happier. 

I wonder if you just finally get to a place of simple acceptance, just like in any other situation.  I can wish a tomato to be a pear as long as I choose to.  In the end, I have only wasted my own time and the pear and tomato are unchanged. 

If I had a magic wand, I would go back in time, back when she was still a minor and take more aggressive action when the warning signs started popping up.  I would not discount her behavior as "teenage craziness" and, and, and.  I don't have a magic wand.  We can't go back in time.  And here I go again wishing the tomato into something else.  Nobody wants to admit this.  No parent wants to even think about not being there 400%.  I don't. It screams failure. 

I grew up in a household with a mom that was either BPD or NPD or just plain evil.  She took her rages out on us with anything she could get her hands on.  Told us over and over she wished she had never had us.  Held a knife to my sisters throat with the rest of us screaming and begging her not to hurt her... .the list goes on and on.  She absolutely refuses to acknowledge any of that happened.  Won't even discuss it.  Once I grew up, it was on again off again,  in my life for short stretches and then out for long stretches.

Unfortunately for my Daughter, that on/off well is dry.  I don't have the energy to do the push pull with her after 40 years of it with mommy dearest.  That of course, goes against everything in my soul - she's my daughter.  It's unnatural to even think about turning away from our children. The truth is, at least in my situation, those of my family members with BPD/NPD or just evilness have to choose to change,  my wishing it won't do it for them. 

Today, my daughter is hosting a wedding reception for my sister.  The WHOLE family was invited, except me. It's so far and beyond triangulation, I don't know what it is.  Birds of a feather?  I have to say the little girl in me is hurt.  The adult in me says,  consider the source. 

God bless you mom's and dad's in here that are still strong enough for the good fight.

As long as we are still breathing things can change, and we can hope. 

 

[pessim-optimist]

Hello psychik  

I am so sorry things are so very painful for you right now... .Having a mentally ill child that's in pain, and that brings us pain, is just heart-wrenching... .The short answer to your question is: yes. We did mourn. And still do from time to time. It comes and goes. It gets better with time... .

I know I am not all alone in my feelings.  I have read books that say it's common to feel like you have experienced a death... .it really sucks. And of course, if I try to mention it to anyone, they just roll their eyes like I'm such a drama queen.

Unfortunately, our society does not recognize the grief that mental illness brings into our lives, and/or is not able to empathize, so it's often a very lonely road. The good news is - this community knows all about that kind of pain and grief. You are in a safe place here, a place that understands.

 

I have been avidly reading everyone's posts here for the past couple of days, and I feel so disconnected.  You all are so involved in your family members lives even though it's still hell.  I have detached from it.  Maybe I have just come to a point where I've given up the fight.  Aside from the hurt feelings still lingering I feel pretty indifferent about my daughter.  Is that good?  Is that bad?  :)oes it even matter?  Not sure about any of it.  What can you do when they are an adult?  

Please be gentle with yourself... .It may be a stage, where you have gone through so much, you just can't take any more and have gone numb (my husband has experienced this in the past). Not all of us are so involved at all times, either. Many members here have gone through periods of n/c (no communication) - either being cut off, or just disconnecting when things got too painful.

For right now, you can do two things - embark on the healing process (healing of yourself from all that has happened), and when you feel up to it, learn as much as you can about BPD. It will give you a better perspective on your r/s (relationship) with your daughter.

Do you have a therapist? Healing the hurts of your childhood might do you good and may give you a better chance of feeling stronger in your r/s with your daughter if/when it comes to that... .

P.S. quoting: you can click on "quote" when you read a post, or when you are replying, scroll down, and hit 'quote' on the posts you want to reference (you need to delete the parts you don't want to include though)

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi psychik,

There is a quote button at the top right of each post.  If you click on that it will quote the entire post and then you can cut out what you don't need.

It does seem that we are all very involved with helping our child.  That's because we are.  Some parents are in a position to help more than others.  For instance my dd is a minor.  I am working feverishly to ensure that we are very connected and that she views me as "good" for the majority of time. 

We all have our stories.  Some come to an end where you are now.  Some are just taking a break and learning new skills so that when they return to the relationship they are better equipped.  This isn't easy because there doesn't seem to be an end.  This is an ongoing process.

We are here for you no matter where you are in your relationship.

Take care!

-crazed

[mom59]

WOW! Yes and I walk around with such heaviness in my heart and soul. I feel like I have given up and abandoned her. I go to bed every night praying for a miracle. We have had such problems with our 33 year old beautiful daughter including stealing, being assaulted and threatened. But there have been calm times where we thought she was improving only to see the rage re-emerge over and over. She tries to split us up (her dad and I-her parents). She is jealous of our marriage. she will say stuff to me like "You have no time for me, you have your work, your friends, your school, your union work and your dog" I spend a lot of time with her but it is never enough. Heartbreaking  She will suck the life out of you if you let her. Now she decided to again not talk to me and her father. The only positive in this is we are safe from being physically beaten etc...

[suchsadness]

Hi psychik. 

There are many (me included) that are not involved on a regular basis with our children and do need to disconnect for everyone's sake.  I made a conscious decision to to "help" my dd36 by having no contact because at the time I was/am her trigger for rage.  It was very much like mourning not only my dd but also my 2 beautiful and innocent grandsons!  We have only recently communicated and I am taking a slow, cautious approach to getting back into any relationship... .and loving her from a distance for both our emotional well being.  Hugs to you 

[MammaMia]

There is a lot to be said for the absence of pain created by distancing one's self

from a BPD loved-one.  However, as we all know this may lead to other forms of sadness ... .like guilt. 

Disconnecting or minimal contact with a pwBPD is all about self-protection.  This disorder forces us to adapt to whatever makes life tolerable, and it is probably the healthiest option for everyone.  If they go NC, we need to accept that.  If we choose to go NC (for whatever reason) we also need to accept that.

Look at the positives of the situation... .not the negatives.  There is nothing "normal" about life with BPD.   A "normal" relationship is rarely possible.

There is no right or wrong... .

[Winifred]

Yes, I have mourned my still-living daughter for at least the last ten years. There were times when my husband and I considered telling her that we hoped to see her at Christmas and Thanksgiving and that's it. When she told me that she never wanted to see me again, I believed her. When she took up with yet another psychopathic boyfriend, we cut off all contact with her that involved him and lived for a couple of years as if she were already dead, except for the occasional call from the grave, so to speak. Yes, I look at pictures of my sweet, beautiful daughter and cannot believe what has happened. Many days, such as today, I live with a sick feeling in my stomach and dread in my heart. She and our eight-month old  grand-daughter are now under a protection order from the psycho boyfriend who has threatened to kill both of them. He showed up at her door last night, she called the police, but they couldn't find him. This is how it is, day in and day out. BPD is a kind of contagious disease, in that its effects are transmitted onto the people around the sufferer. I think that mourning the child that is lost to us, along with our hopes and dreams for him or her, is one of the tertiary symptoms. It just is, and my heart goes out to you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Yes, there are lots and lots of loss involved; so, understandably there's lots of sadness, fear and anger, too.

Sometimes we wish/hope that we can wake up and things will be different, or will get better. And when that is not miraculously happening, we can start another cycle of very sad. Or angry, or afraid, for that matter... .

Feel your feelings, be gentle with yourself. These feelings will come and go, like the waves of an ocean. The goal over time, is to see those waves be tamed a bit, and also for us to work with them, rather than against them. To be gently rocked within the waves, rather than being crushed by the oncoming force... .

This forum, and people who know what you are going through, the support and also advice on 'how-to' in different situations is part of that picture.