Ugh

[raytamtay3]

I've finally gotten to the point of radical acceptance. I've let go of the idea of what "I" wanted my daughter to be, to act, etc. I realize that I really don't have any control over the way she is. And I set the boundaries for myself of those that I will not tolerate.  But I'm getting increasingly aggitated with my DH. Every word that comes out of his mouth about DD14 is negative. Even when she does something good, he feels there's a reason why; that she's out for something. While that may be true, I refuse to live my life thinking this way. I choose to take the good with the bad.

We have cameras in the house because she has brought people in when we weren't home. But I get calls all day at work about what DH has observed. He watches her like a hawk just waiting for her to screw up. And I get it. I realize that more often than not, she IS up to no good. But now not only do I feel like I walk on eggshells around DD, but my DH husband as well! Like if I say something good about her or anything, I feel like he is judging me. That he is thinking I'm dumb for letting my guard down. It is such an awful way to live and I honestly don't know how much longer I can take it. My guard is always up with DD. But she is still my DD. I am going to be affectionate with her when she is stable. I'm going to laugh and joke with her when she is stable. And I'm going to treat her as a "normal" child when she is stable.  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, ramtamtay3   

I'm really sorry that this is happening to you--being in the middle between your daughter and husband is a really tough place to be. I used to be in that place with my own dBPDson36 and my husband (who is his father). I tried very hard to always understand and be compassionate to my son with all his many problems (ADD, Depression, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Ideations, Substance Addictions, Hyperactive Thyroid, and now newly diagnosed with BPD), and my husband mostly thought that "tough love" was the answer. Even without knowing about the BPD, and learning all I've learned on this site and in the many books I've read since my son's diagnosis in March/April of 2013, I always sensed that "tough love" wasn't the answer for my son's problems. It caused many arguments between my husband and me over the years.

This past summer my husband was very frustrated that my son wasn't "better" yet (he's been being treated for the BPD since March), and started venting to me about all the changes he wanted to see being made with him. After letting him get it out of his system, I spent the next hour or so explaining to him everything I've been learning... .the neurobiological reasons for my son's brain being "different than yours or mine" and then explaining how it affects his behavior and emotions, and how his treatments are working to "fix" that.

I taught my husband Radical Acceptance, explained Validation and S.E.T. and why I was acting the way I was with my son. My husband was truly interested in all of this, and after that Sunday morning conversation over coffee in our screened-in porch on a beautiful summer day, he said: "Thank you. I think I get it, now. If I'd known all of this sooner, I wouldn't have been so upset with him... ."  And since then, things have been much easier between him and me, and between him and my son.

I'll admit... .I hadn't taken the time to explain all of it to my husband before, because I didn't think he had it in him to care, or understand, or even want to find the deep empathy for our son that he would need in order to have the compassion to treat him better. I didn't realize that with the proper information my husband would rise to the occasion and want to understand our son better, and help with the recovery process. We have been a team since that day; the hardest thing for me to do after our morning conversation, was to apologize to him for not telling him all of this stuff sooner!

I'm not saying this will work for your and your husband; maybe my husband was in the right spot in his head to hear what I had to say, and to be open minded enough to believe me and learn from it that morning. But, I had done my husband a disservice in not having had this conversation sooner, and in just assuming that he wouldn't want to be as compassionate and empathetic as he needed to be in this situation with our son. I've never underestimated his abilities to deal with my son in the correct way again; when I notice at times that he isn't "getting it" in some situation or another with our son, I take the time to explain what my son is going through and show my husband how we need to deal with it. So far, so good 

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Raytay,

I have a lot of problems with my dh accepting dd also.  I don't think it's a stepdad thing.  I have to agree with Rapt as I've seen the same thing with my dh.  The more he learns about what dd is going through, the more willing he is to accept she's not just a bad kid.  I can't tell you how many times I've called dh with a problem dd is having and he'll say something really crappy like... .UGH!  Again?  WOW why doesn't she just stop? or my personal favorite... .we really just have to get her out of the house  I can't take this.

However, the more he has learned about what she is going through and how much his attitude and words effect me and my ability to support dd, the more supportive he has become with both me and dd.  I think we moms are usually much more proactive when it comes to our kids.  Sometimes (not with all dads so any dads out here reading this THANK YOU for being such a huge part of your childs healing process) dads/men just want to fix something and be done with it.  Men can do it.  It is sometimes harder for them to understand why it takes so much effort.

-crazed

[2girls3canines]

Currently having problems with my DH as well... He is the opposite though... he doesn't want to hear about anything she does that is not ok... If I tell him how great she did on her ACT - he is all about it... But if I tell him she hasn't turned in an assignment for 3 weeks in a single class but blamed every singly teacher for losing every assignment (uh prob not) he doesn't want to hear about it... I want to say "welcome to my world" where I deal with these and all the other issues on an hourly basis...

I drew a line in the sand today and told him that for right now, he was "in charge" of her. I want him to know what it is like to deal with this alone with no support... Not sure it was the right thing or not, but I need a break and I need it right now or I will implode...