New to Forum--intro post

[Selkie2727]

Hello.

I read about your forum after reading The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder.  I got a lot from that book and decided to try out the forum.  My son who has BPD is 36 years old.  He was a difficult child growing up, not acting out, but very fearful and shy but for a time from about 20-34 it seemed as though he had gotten a handle on his emotions.  He got married six years ago and for awhile things seemed ok.  His wife was very, very different.  Outgoing, unpredictable, and as we now see narcissistic.  He lost his job in 2008, was on unemployment and things started to deteriorate then.

Two years ago he showed up at my front door completely devastated and said his wife didn't love him anymore and was leaving him.  I thought at first he would be able to work through it.  I offered to let him stay with me for what I thought would be a couple of weeks.  I had recently gone through a divorce (second one because of alcoholism) and during the divorce lost my home in a wildfire.  I was just getting back on my feet and was actually happy in a nice, but small condo.  The short stay I envisioned kept going.  There was a lot of turmoil with his wife--first she's say she wanted to get back with him, then she wouldn't.  In January 2012 he attempted suicide in my house.  He was hospitalized and was put on a large amount of medications for anxiety and depression.  Things didn't improve much.  He had to file for bankruptcy and also had surgery for a tumor which fortunately turned out to be benign.  Things got a little better but there was still a lot of going back and forth with his wife.  He  moved out for two months but in September he was hospitalized again and this past January moved back in with me after she told him one day she wanted to get back together and the next that she wanted a divorce.  He also lost a part time job he had gotten.  He was put on more medications and was very disabled.

We have been going to therapy--he has his, I have mine.  We tried to work with his father but that deteriorated to the point where his father and stepmother have cut him off.  So I feel the responsibility is mine and it feels overwhelming at times.  I have been working hard on not enabling him.  Today, after taking a week off from work and working with my therapist I presented him with a plan with the goal of me having my place back in April of 2014.  I am financially depleted.  I've been paying for most of his treatment costs.  I'm 65 and fortunately still working at a job I love but I am getting very exhausted.  I have another son and a granddaughter.  His partner also tried to commit suicide when he said he was leaving her (before the baby was born).  They seem ok now but I worry about them as well.

When I told him of the plan today, he fell apart--shaking and crying.  I  made the plan carefully with small steps toward that goal, reassuring him I won't abandon him, hoping that would help.  He slept most of the afternoon but tonight seems better.  I am trying to hold my boundaries but I can see this is going to be a difficult journey.  I feel  I have been enabling him not to take responsibility for his life by letting him live with me, stay in bed most of the day, and not doing anything except go to his therapist.  I need to have my life, too.  And I want a better life for him.

Sorry to have gone on so long... .what I hope to accomplish is getting him to be interdependent with his family, not dependent.  He is working with a therapist and a psychiatrist and has reduced his medications greatly.  I guess I'm looking for hope that I'm doing the right thing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

Selkie,

Wow, you have a lot going on.  Your son coming home for a short stay and turning out to be long term.  All of his problems, illness, and your other son's wife. That is a lot!

You are on the right track in working out a plan for him to move out.  I had something similar a few years ago, my therapist worked with me on a plan for my daughter to move out.   I was worried that I would not be able to evict her, as I was being coached to do.  Fortunately, she was accepted into a transitional housing program.   She was not receptive to living on her own, as she hates to be alone.  But, she turned out to be okay.  And, actually, says that at times,she enjoys being alone.

I am glad that you are in therapy for yourself.  It really does help. 

You seem to have insight on BPD.  When was your son diagnosed?

Please come back and post.  We really have a supportive site here.  It does get better!

peaceplease